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off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff: April 2014 Edition

It's either a hug, or attempted murder. With cats, it's hard to tell.
It’s either a hug, or attempted murder. With cats, it’s hard to tell.

An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.

As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.

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Cthulhu's Intern
7 years ago

Well, right now I feel… upset. A combination of very sad and angry. You see, I have a kind of long story to explain it. You see, for a Criminal Procedure class assignment (I’m a digital forensics major), I had to visit a courtroom and watch criminal proceedings. Me, just going to any courtroom that was having a proceeding, not knowing what, happened to go to a case of a sexual assault of a minor. I thought that the trial would be really boring, but I found it really interesting. The DA, especially, was really engaging. Now, I could give you the specific details of what happened, since I’m legally allowed to talk about anything I saw except the victim’s name but I won’t, because, while it’s really unlikely, someone involved in the case MIGHT happen to read this, and I’d rather not deal with all the complications of that happening. Well, basically, I wasn’t there for the victim or her family’s testimonies (except for one, a continuation of her mother’s testimony, and it had very little to do with the sexual assault itself), but I did get to hear the defendant’s testimony, and, long story short, it was full of bullshit. It was obvious he was lying. The story was so full of holes, and the bits I heard of the victim’s family’s story made so much more sense. From what I heard there, I had no doubt in my mind he was guilty. Due to certain factors, there was no physical evidence. I was fairly sure that he would be found guilty, but the jury wouldn’t give their verdict until the next day. I was just too emotionally into the case for a few reasons; the victim and her family were allowed to sit in and watch the closing statements, and from their very visible (and in one case, audible) distress, I could see the victim crying and the others tearing up and trying to comfort her. I was so stressed out from this that I had to take a walk before I went back to college. Writing the paper, even though it’s due in two weeks, I was really stressed writing it. I did things like pace around the room. I was sure that he would be found guilty, but no, he was found not guilty of rape or sexual assault (he was, however, guilty of some other offenses, but lesser: a third-degree felony and two first-degree misdemeanors. I was so upset from this verdict. It made me cry.

This is probably the first time I actually witnessed real injustice. I’ve read about it, and aware it existed, but I never personally witnessed it until now. I was aware of the dismal conviction rates of rape, especially when there’s no physical evidence, but I still thought he would be guilty. I was just too emotionally invested into the trial, which also has me worried about the future. I plan on being a computer forensic scientist, so I need to learn to distance myself from this kind of thing. Even worse, since I plan on digital forensics, the chances of me seeing child pornography are almost certain, I don’t know how I’m going to feel about it. There’s just so many things on my mind right now.

kittehserf
7 years ago

From the previous thread, Anarchonist:

@kittehserf: I don’t want to sound like a squealing fanboy, but updated or no, I always feel somehow at peace after visiting your blog. It’s something about the formatting, the colors, or maybe it’s what the blog is about. Maybe it’s all of it. The relationship stuff rings so true for me and beloved, but with an added twist of ethereal belonging. We sometimes have candlelight Tarot readings together that give me similar feels. It’s serene and it’s beautiful. I do hope you guys share more, if you ever get the time and feel like it.

::blushes hugely::

Hey, I don’t mind a squealing fanboy. I think. Never had one before! 😀

Seriously, the peacful bit is what people used to say when I posted this stuff on Fanstory. It’s always good to know someone’s feeling happy reading it, and I’m very glad it speaks to you.

Believe it or not, the template with the fleur-de-lys is one of WordPress’s! I just put the background pic in.

Recette
Recette
7 years ago

I have a co-worker who has since day 1 given me some seriously sketchy vibes, which I always chalked up to him being lonely or socially awkward. He clearly took a shine to me, and since being promoted to a supervisory position a few months ago, began to offer me rides home almost every day, ask me to stay later at work, and tries to give me strange presents (old men’s sweaters, strange junk he has lying around at home, etc.??) I am very firm in my no thank yous and refusals but he does. not stop. asking. Icky gut feelings.

Then, by accident, I found out he was a registered sex offender. Nonviolent, but apparently was busted for possessing child porn.

I am a married but very young looking female type person and I’m seriously thinking about finding a new job just so I won’t have to deal with him anymore. I’m getting some weird psychological fallout from this and since he hasn’t really DONE anything, no one I’ve attempted to speak with about this has taken me seriously. I’m pretty conflict averse, and I don’t wan’t to cause a huge scene at work, attempt to get him fired, etc., and I sure as hell don’t want to create the possibility of being alone with him for a private chat. He is very large but isn’t threatening — at least not overtly so — and hasn’t really done anything other than attempt to flirt with me, but I’ve observed he is VERY, very good at toeing the line so he never says anything that could be reportedly offensive. Yarrgh! I feel like I’m insane, but why should I be made to feel like I need to be on guard all the time? And what if something does end up happening?

To make things worse, I work with 4 girls who are high school age, under 18, and they often work the evening shift alone with him, which I don’t think should be permitted given his status, but I’m not aware if anyone knows about this (I’m unclear on whether or not you’re required to report registered sex offender status to your employer in my state if you’re non-violent)

kittehserf
7 years ago

Recette, urgh, that’s horrible.

Can you find out about having to report sex-offender status in your state? You’d think when it comes to offences involving children, the rules would be a lot stricter. Is there any way to find out if HR know about this guy? He sounds like he shouldn’t be allowed to be alone with underage people at all – not in the sense he might attack them, but because of his record.

I wish I could think of something helpful to suggest!

Valerian
7 years ago

Recette, you definitely need a new job. Unfortunately, I’ll bet your employer already knows about his status. It’s worth attempting to ‘inform’ them, in case it’ll cause plausible deniability to fail, but more importantly, you should talk to the young ladies you work with. If they won’t listen (as they are still minors), to their parents. They are in a lot of danger, and no job is worth that.

I had a bad gut feeling about every bad situation in my life, but I was socially conditioned to ignore that feeling and placate the individuals causing it. I cannot express how much suffering that’s caused me.

canuck_with_pluck
canuck_with_pluck
7 years ago

@Recette: I would definitely check it out! I’m an adult woman who looks very young as well, I know the feeling. And it is possible HR doesn’t know…unless it’s the type of job where your whole job is working with children (ECE, teaching etc) I’d bet most employers don’t check.

I’m having a situation with a customer at work. He comes in all the time and says, about anyone who’s working “There’re my friends!” or “There’s my favourite people” and about me “Aww, you’re so nice. You’re so nice.” or “you’re so pretty”. And when he noticed my tongue ring “That’s hot”. This man is about 45, and I’m 28. It’s gotten worse since his fiancee left him. After she left him, he comes in and started complaining about her, about how he paid for her to go to New York, and he paid for this, and he paid for that…”and she just leaves me?”. I’m standing there, and it’s really making me uncomfortable. I don’t really want to hear it, especially since it smacks so much of MRA straw-women, and because I obviously don’t have her side of the story.

Basically, he hasn’t done anything that could *technically* be considered inappropriate, I just get a vibe. And I’m not the only one who notices it. My co-worker does too, and is understanding when I’m short with him or if I go hide in the back.

One day I was chatting to another customer about my commute, and how it takes me an hour to get to the store, and it’s tiring when I work the late shift. He says “Oh, well, if you ever need a place to sleep over, just come on over to my place!” My co-worker and I are just looking at each other in disbelief and it really made me uncomfortable. About a month after that, I was waiting for the bus and pacing because it was cold and I wanted to warm him. He walks by and offers me money (for the bus, I assume.). I’m just thinking to myself “What the fuck dude???”.

Basically, he seems to think that we are friends. We are not. It’s business, as he is a customer. That’s it. It makes me really uncomfortable, because I have to be very careful how I deal with him, because he could get me in trouble if he wanted to. It’s really bugging me and I don’t know how to deal with it.

kittehserf
7 years ago

canuck_with_pluck – eww, that’s gross too. Is your supervisor someone who’d listen, and are they in a position to tell this guy to piss off or at least button it? He sounds creepy at best and potential stalker material at worst. Offering you money or joking about sleeping at his place are way over the “inappropriate” line.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

Recette: I’m so sorry you’re being creeped on and no one is taking you seriously. I’d start documenting everything he’s done and any further instances. I generally don’t have much faith in hr, but I’d talk to them or someone higher in the org than creeper if you trust them. The fact that he’s a sex offender (non-violent or not) and is working around young women is scary.

Hugs to anyone that needs one.

The orange cat in the pic looks just like the Biscuit, who’s becoming quite the cat burglar. Not only did he abscond with my wedding ring, yesterday I found the thermometer and a battery stashed in the blanket at the foot of the bed, I busted him trying to put one of Mr. HK’s rings in there.

canuck_with_pluck
canuck_with_pluck
7 years ago

@kittehsef: We just got a new manager, and she seems pretty cool. We’re about the same age. But if it ever had to escalate, I don’t know if upper management would understand, as they’re all about the customers…and are also mostly white males who don’t get the concept of being creeped on. We have a lot of creepers who come in, and they have never actually DONE anything, you just…know. (The couple of times where we’ve had drunk men {I work in a wine store} act in an inappropriate way with our female customers I’ve kicked them out and it felt GREAT). No matter who talks with him, it’s going to be awkward afterwards, and it makes me angry that he’s created that situation. (Thanks for listening. I could fill the open thread with stories about the inappropriate people I’ve encountered in the last year alone. Argh!)

damselindetech
7 years ago

@Cthulu’s Intern – I’ve worked and volunteered for rape crisis centres, and my wife’s mom used to work for the police in their child-porn investigation department. I cannot emphasize enough how important self-care and therapy are when working in those kinds of fields. Even when you’re not the one being victimized, the pain and stress rub off and, the only way I can think to describe it is that the people I know who’ve worked in these jobs get second-hand PTSD. I strongly recommend you take this time when you’re still in school developing the kinds of habits that will help you when you come across a seriously traumatizing case.

@Recette – Imo, he’s revoked his right to privacy by engaging in child sexual abuse (make no mistake, accessing child porn is absolutely violent and abusive). I’d tell HR, in case they don’t know. Maybe start documenting all of his creepiness beforehand, but I wouldn’t wait too long. I’d also talk with the younger staff and see if they’re ok and make sure he hasn’t been grooming or harming them.

@Canuck – Imo, I’d do the same as the situation above – document & talk to management. The business has a responsibility to the safety of their staff.

I hate this cultural expectation that women ALWAYS have to give creepy men the benefit of the doubt. It goes to absolutely ridiculous degrees! It’s like, unless they have actually kidnapped you and are telling you to put the lotion in the basket, then you’re just overreacting and, gosh, how are Nice GuysTM supposed to ever find their life partner if they’re just so gosh-darned misunderstood by evil wimmins? L;KASDFJKHASDFJKHASDFHJK!!!!!!!

cloudiah
7 years ago

I hate this cultural expectation that women ALWAYS have to give creepy men the benefit of the doubt. It goes to absolutely ridiculous degrees!

ALWAYS. It’s really compounded by being in service positions, which women are more likely to work already. The customer isn’t always fucking right; the customer is frequently a creeper taking advantage of the fact that the person he’s creeping on probably needs that job. Unless you have very good managers (rare), there’s rarely a great solution. Usually it’s up to co-workers to stick up for each other.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

Recette,
It might be illegal for this creeper to work with minors, especially since the offense was child porn. I’d definitely talk to HR or whoever is available that is above this guy’s head. They might not have done a criminal background check and might not know this man’s history. If your employer won’t do anything, you might even want to check what the laws regarding sex offenders are in your area. You might be able to find out if he’s supposed to be forbidden from contact with minors.
It really doesn’t sound like the workplace is safe for you or the high school girls. There’s no need to be nice or accommodating when it comes to this. Trust your instincts. They’re usually right.

On a lighter note, one of my favorite bands, Failure is reuniting and touring! They’ll be in my city next month the day before my b-day. My friend’s got tickets. So excited!

leatapp
leatapp
7 years ago

Forget chocolate! Hubby brought me sushi rolls!

I officially suggest that replace chocolate as the food associated with Valentines Day.

This is much better. Nothing says “love” like tempora wrapped in rice and made deliciously spicy.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

L;KASDFJKHASDFJKHASDFHJK!!!!!!!

Well said. No English words for how uncool it is that women have to put up with this *&(*&*(& as part of just showing up and doing their jobs.

trans_commie
7 years ago

I just got sexually harassed by a stranger over the phone. He left a message that sounded like he was having sex. I don’t know why these things happen to me…

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking of myself as a stupid idiot.

I know I’m not. People have told me in the past that I’m intelligent and that I can do good work. But I can’t seem to be able to convince myself otherwise.

katz
7 years ago

I just got sexually harassed by a stranger over the phone. He left a message that sounded like he was having sex. I don’t know why these things happen to me…

Gah! Seriously, it really does seem like this kind of stuff happens to you way too often. You are the Cardiff Rift of random harrassment.

Lady Ballsnip
Lady Ballsnip
7 years ago

I just had to think about this site. I’m in a situation right now where I just can’t do it ”right”.

I was in a fresh relationship with a guy I knew for some time, but as it progressed I started to doubt whether I’d want to spend a lot of time with him. To make it worse I fell in love (without hope, I think…) with another dude and I just found myself thinking about him all week. Is there hope, is there no hope, bad sleep and many dreams where he played some role.

Continuing with my (then) bf felt dishonest to him, to me, to everything basically. So, I treated him with what I saw as dignity and respect and just opened up about the situation.

I then talked 2 hours with him about him, his feelings, his hurt ego. In the mean time I got accusations, he talked himself and his situation down and made it seem like I was the happiest and luckiest person on earth. He then progressed to tell me that I’m not allowed to feel bad about the situation. He went too far with that.

But now I’m being accused of ”dumping him/tossing him aside” (such wording, I’m not a native speaker) while I was NOT treating him like an object, while I wanted to be respectful and honest, while I didn’t want to treat someone like an ‘alternative I’ll just put up with’. If I’d continue with him it’d be ”leading him on”, ”using him”, ”using him for his wallet while cheating in the mind”, ”using him for the meantime until I could get the other dude”.

And these things happen all the time. Like when you’re not interested in some guy. Being vague or unresponsive is ”bad”, when you’re upfront and say ”I’m not interested” he can just shout out ”I didn’t want you in the first place!” or I’m cold, heartless, mean, rude for saying it to him in such a manner.

Immature people, and I guess MRA’s have this horrible tendency to *entirely* dismiss the situation, feelings, motivations, relationships, basically everything, to judge the shallow appearance of behaviour (”dumping him for someone else, tossing him aside just like that”) and judge you. Then they go into misogynist mode and complain about how horrible, cold and heartless women are.

Such things happened several times and it’s a recurring thing. That there’s just no ”right” option because your side of the story, your motives and thoughts are completely dismissed so you’re a bad person either way. Then there’s the assumption right away that my intentions are shallow, mean, whatever.

So many people do this.

Rant over.

Lady Ballsnip
Lady Ballsnip
7 years ago

@Cthulhu’s Intern

I like your name.

We don’t have a jury here… good thing, I suppose. At least in cases like this. Wow.

damselindetech
7 years ago

@Lady Ballsnip – as a divorcee, I believe those kinds of cultural messages keep way too many people in relationships that aren’t working for way too long. If I hadn’t been so caught up in seeing my ex as “a catch” that I “should” have been happy with, I never would have married him and we both could have moved on with our lives much earlier on. Le sigh.

Fibinachi
7 years ago

I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking of myself as a stupid idiot.

I know I’m not. People have told me in the past that I’m intelligent and that I can do good work. But I can’t seem to be able to convince myself otherwise.

Ah, jerkbrain stuff. That sucks. I have a hard time not thinking of myself as a worthless,talentless schuster whom no one could, would or should like, let alone spend time with.

And yet, somewhat mysteriously, I seem to meet all these people who like me and end up in these positions of having social power and or managing teams of people. I must be really good at faking it (my brain whispers) or possibly everyone else is doing it on a lark just to watch me fail

What helps me is to keep a journal ,and then, very simply, write down about 5 things each night before I fall asleep that I thought went wel today / was fun / that I did well and or very well.

Nothing else. I call it my Positive Handbook of Experiences Beneficial To A Malevolent State of Mind, but I’m a fan of long titles. Consciously forcing my brain to acknowledge moments of ability, capacity or awesomeness means I don’t get to do the thing my brain wants to do with “Ah, yeah, you say that, but I know I am a horrid manbeast of chtonic origin fit only for shame and slavery / yeah, but my hair looks bad today” because I am litterally recalling the experience and writing it down, and end up having a list of things.

I took that from research on emotional states, which indicated that writing down positive things helped cement them in the mind for later recollection. It seems to work.

I think LBT (?) has a computer list of Good Things which is also a great idea for combating self loathing. Inudate yourself with positive things! Like fluffy bunnies and puppies.

I also find that meditation helps – I got some use of Joseph Goldstein, The Experience of Insight (But it might be too zen for a lot of people, too… wishy washily “Look at the stone, and the stone will feel, and you will be an ocean“). In any case, just sitting around for a bit and taking a conscious moment to myself to just fucking relax and not be so stressed and shut up, brain, I’m relaxing now, so you can stow your shit till in five minutes is the positie take away.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has some good exercises for working with yourself, so look into that if you want.

I have self-love routines that I set up with the specific purpose of doing things that makes me feel happy, so maybe think about things that makes you feel happy and take specific time out to do this?

trans_commie
7 years ago

@katz

I know, right?

[CN: sexual harassment in graphic detail]

Also, what I said was just the gist of it. The message he left was “Ahh yeah baby, aahhhhh, get on top of it, ahhhh, just taste it, I want you to taste it, ahhh.” And then later on he texted me “Fuck you”. Here’s how the rest of the exchange went:

Me: “I have no idea who you are. You might have the wrong number.”

Him: “I know you ;)”

Me: “Can you tell me who you are please? I seriously don’t know who you are.”

Him: “No”

Me: “Okay whatever. Just don’t leave anymore voicemails like the one you just left me. Are you [someone I know]?”

Him: “He look I’m not trying to freak you out. I just have needs.”

Me: “No one has a ‘need’ to send random people voicemails that make them feel uncomfortable and creeped out. Please just leave me alone. I don’t even know you.”

Him: “today I put on my mommies wedding dress and played with my dongle have you ever tried that?”

This is a local Colorado number, too. I’m so scared. I hope it’s not some stalker. I haven’t replied and I don’t think I will since he just keeps frightening me.

Fibinachi
7 years ago

Continuing with my (then) bf felt dishonest to him, to me, to everything basically. So, I treated him with what I saw as dignity and respect and just opened up about the situation.

I then talked 2 hours with him about him, his feelings, his hurt ego. In the mean time I got accusations, he talked himself and his situation down and made it seem like I was the happiest and luckiest person on earth. He then progressed to tell me that I’m not allowed to feel bad about the situation. He went too far with that.

But now I’m being accused of ”dumping him/tossing him aside” (such wording, I’m not a native speaker) while I was NOT treating him like an object, while I wanted to be respectful and honest, while I didn’t want to treat someone like an ‘alternative I’ll just put up with’. If I’d continue with him it’d be ”leading him on”, ”using him”, ”using him for his wallet while cheating in the mind”, ”using him for the meantime until I could get the other dude”.

And these things happen all the time. Like when you’re not interested in some guy. Being vague or unresponsive is ”bad”, when you’re upfront and say ”I’m not interested” he can just shout out ”I didn’t want you in the first place!” or I’m cold, heartless, mean, rude for saying it to him in such a manner.

Ooooh hey! An entire conversation of: “So these are the reasons that my decision was completely the right decision to take, because this person is clearly not interested in my long term well being”.

That’s a little lucky, I guess. Sucks about the monstrous vortex of emotional suckage, though. Disregarding people’s opinions about other people is kind of a thing, where they get to dictate the terms of the story because “You are just so evil / mean / crude / rude / nasty”.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, but at least if you don’t you will be better off in the long run.

Sympathy from here.

damselindetech
7 years ago

@trans_commie – that’s gross and scary, I’m sorry. :/

@Fibinachi – wise words, fer sher. I’m pretty sure Captain Awkward wrote a column on breaking up and the gist of it was “They don’t have to agree with your reasons for wanting to not be together. This isn’t a democracy. Your not wanting to be with them, regardless of if you have articulately verbalize why is 100% enough.” Which is so true. It doesn’t suck any less, because breakups will always suck, but it is what it is and what it is is a breakup.

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

Fibinachi – Yep, jerkbrain. I hate my jerkbrain sometimes, it drives me up the wall.

Might go ahead and take your suggestion, presuming that I remember.

trans_commie
7 years ago

Oh, so apparently the person who did that is someone I know. He was trying to pull a prank on me. Ugh. At least I don’t feel unsafe anymore – while I hate his sense of humor, thankfully it means that he’s not actually a threat to me.

Angelica
7 years ago

Ugh. I had the most horrible of all horrible days EVER yesterday. Stuff could not have gone more wrong and normally I’m all “meh, whatever! Life is totally peachy!” after this kind of stuff, but it’s one of those moments, you know. Trigger warning for serious sexual harassment and domestic violence.

Half an hour after I woke up, I got a text from a friend (not a super close one, but still) asking if she could come over and talk. I had things planned, but I asked what was wrong. I got some vague story about her boyfriend dumping her last week when he was really drunk, and then when she went to his house the day after to get her stuff, he had this other girl in his bed and he locked himself in his bedroom where he just started throwing her stuff out the window. So she got angry and sort of threatened to throw his guitar out if he didn’t stop. So he comes flying out of the bedroom and hits her with a chair. Like…yeah.

Needless to say I was making arrangements to go over there as soon as possible, and I tried to call her a couple of times. I didn’t hear from her for hours, after which she texted me again saying she couldn’t make it, I couldn’t come over, she couldn’t call, because she was at her parents’ and her ex had called them, and her parents were taking his side. I mean.. what? No really. What??

So inbetween both texts I was going about my day pretty damn worried, naturally. I walked into a store where a woman instantly told me I’d better leave cause they probably didn’t carry my size anyway (I’m like.. size 16). Then I was called a fat whore by some guys on my walk back to the car, and for the first time in forever, I had no clue what to reply to that.

I went out with some friends in the evening and some super drunk guy stumbles up to me in the street, basically just throws his arms around me and just.. stands there “hugging” me. I seriously had to struggle not to fall down with all that weight, and my friends were just standing there till I finally managed to push him away, and then they were all like “it’s not a big deal”.
So when I got groped by a random stranger in the bar we went to, I didn’t say anything, cause I wasn’t about to be told that wasn’t a big deal either. Maybe I should have, because that dude had friends. Friends he called over when I sort of just ignored what he did instead of saying something or making a scene. I don’t know why I didn’t.. I normally do, but I was already feeling way messed up and insecure because of the rest of that day, I guess. So by the time they gathered around me and I just decided to silently leave with my tail between my legs, I lacked the common sense to tell anyone I was leaving. So some of them followed me and shouted after me, and I just walked faster, stupid cow I am, instead of sticking near a place that at least had other people around.

I hardly know how to write this down. I haven’t really processed any of it properly. Some of them caught up with me. They didn’t really.. do anything. They just sort of terrorized me for a bit, if that’s the right word. Blocked my way, called me names, described some pretty nasty things they were going to do to me. One occasionally touched my face or my arm. So nobody did anything, really.. But I cried, I cried, I cried, and I begged and I felt like such a fucking weakling… Which really causes somewhat of an identity crisis, cause I’ve been through a LOT worse and I’m normally the tough, fearless, loud, mildly insane cookie who doesn’t shut up for anything or anybody and who’s almost always there with witty comebacks and a nasty punch if necessary. I HATE feeling weak and helpless and afraid. Dammit.

There. Thanks. Now I can start moving on for a bit.

Cthulhu's Intern
7 years ago

@damselindetech: The good news is, according to my professor who has worked in the industry since the late 80s before she started teaching circa last year, many agencies have mandatory counselling for their investigators. The rest offer counselling, but don’t mandate it. It’s rare that one doesn’t have any therapy. And I’m currently trying to do what you said: I realized that I need to learn how to detach my emotions from cases after I saw how upset I was at the outcome of the aforementioned sexual assault case. I plan on going to my school’s counselling center sometime the coming week.

@Lady Ballsnip: I also like your name. I think I might actually understand how he was only found guilty on the lesser charges: There really was no physical evidence. For a few reasons, the victim had a hard time telling what happened until a few years later. In that time, she bathed, the blood in the bathroom got cleaned up (I wasn’t there to hear that story), her clothes got washed, many other things: Basically, at that point, it was impossible for modern-day forensic technology to pick up anything. As you may know, the point when you’re sure someone is guilty is far lower than “proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt,” the system used in the US. Of course, I wasn’t with the jury, so I don’t know if that’s the reason, but that’s what seems most likely to me.

Cthulhu's Intern
7 years ago

…It doesn’t make the decision suck any less, though.

damselindetech
7 years ago

@trans_commie – I am anger. I just… Wow. That is beyond fucked up and abusive. I’m mentally sending that person into a cornfield. Like… what a piece of shit.

@Angelica – I’m sorry, that sounds like an atrociously hard day. Holding on to all those mircoaggressions breaks down even the “strongest” of us. It’s not a sign of weakness to not be able to bear them all. It’s a valid, expected, and human response to so much bullshit. Sending lots of mental hugs if you’d like them.

kittehserf
7 years ago

@hellkell

The orange cat in the pic looks just like the Biscuit, who’s becoming quite the cat burglar. Not only did he abscond with my wedding ring, yesterday I found the thermometer and a battery stashed in the blanket at the foot of the bed, I busted him trying to put one of Mr. HK’s rings in there.

Sounds like he’s been reading about Koko and Yum Yum’s felonious activities in The Cat Who series!

If Mr HK grows a moustache, you might have a detective team on your hands.

@canuck_with_pluck

What damselindetech said!

@Alice

Jerkbrains are very hard to convince, and it doesn’t help when you’re getting the DO BETTER pressure at home (am I remembering that correctly?)

Anyways I’ll just add to the chorus: you’re intelligent and smart and funny and informed, and jerkbrain can go take a running jump. So there.

@Lady Ballsnip

I had the same reaction to your boyfriend’s behaviour as Fibi:

Ooooh hey! An entire conversation of: “So these are the reasons that my decision was completely the right decision to take, because this person is clearly not interested in my long term well being”.

He does sound like he doesn’t actually care about you much, all wrapped up in his wounded pride. Better off without him, and at least you’ve found out … not that that’s any consolation now.

@Ally

So, now you know yet another person to cut off from contact entirely, because he’s a shit. It’s like katz said, you’re a loser magnet. These fucking guys should be sent to an island somewhere with no phones and no internet and most particularly, no women.

@Angelica

Holy shit. I have no idea what to say just reading that. Internet hugs if you want them.

@thread

Have an Ultimate Halloween Cat (aka Shorty).

http://youtu.be/-apnyFd0zZg

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

If Mr HK grows a moustache, you might have a detective team on your hands.

He’s got one! Biscuit could use a job.

trans_commie
7 years ago

The guy has apologized for his behavior and said that he didn’t expect me to take the prank so seriously and be so frightened by it. I do forgive him, but only because I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t mean to hurt people with his sense of humor (although I have issues with it in the first place since he makes a lot of bigoted jokes). He also doesn’t really know about my anxiety issues and my history of being sexually harassed. None of this erases the fact that his jokes are wildly inappropriate, but it still matters to me.

My forgiveness, however, is only for my sake; I simply prefer to not harbor resentment against people. Thankfully, at his worst, he is just an insensitive jerk with a tasteless, bigoted sense of humor. Which isn’t to say that’s a good thing at all, but it means to me that he’s not unsafe to me. He has also promised to not prank me like this anymore. I mean, I’ve been pranked before and sometimes I actually find those pranks funny, but this one went out of control in ways that he never anticipated.

I was actually far more upset at my brother than I am at this guy (who happens to be my brother’s friend). I forgive my brother as well, but I was not happy with his initial response when I informed him of me finding out about the prank: “You really have to stop being so gullible!” He gets me now and has apologized, so I’m no longer upset at him.

J.J
J.J
7 years ago

First off, hugs to everyone who has been having a hard time. (Only if you want them. I also have some baguette and future strawberry lemonade cake and challah.)

Fibinachi, I might try the writing down positive things down idea. My therapist has me writing my negative thoughts down and trying to work through them, but I don’t think I focus enoug on the good stuff.

I’ve been struggling with my anxiety lately, in the ‘oh god I can’t go outside, don’t make me talk to people’ sort of way, and getting creeped on in the elevator last week made it hard to go out so I hid a lot.

And today I went to work out with a friend and we went run/walk/jogging. I’m feeling good about myself, feeling fit-and then there is a parade of creepy guys trying to talk to us. One guy slowed down and hissed and stared and then my brain went into ‘GO HOME’ mode and so I missed out on getting my nails done. *sigh*

Also, boyfriend is boyfriend and I am very attached to him. But then he thinks that there should be a disclaimer on pieces about Nice Guys that not all guys who creep you out deserve the label. I think he’s still hurting and knows guys who are actually awkward but are actually nice. Also apparently he said something to that effect on a feminist forum and got attacked, so he doesn’t like the feminist movement, even if he likes what it stands for, and calls himself a gender egalitarian instead. So I worry.

kittehserf
7 years ago

If Mr HK grows a moustache, you might have a detective team on your hands.

He’s got one! Biscuit could use a job.

Ooooh … does he get mysterious hunches that make his moustache tingle like whiskers? Do his random acquaintances get bumped off on a monthly basis? (Moose County in the Cat Who books is second only to Midsomer in its murder rate. Real estate agents must love the place.)

Just don’t tell Biscuit what sort of food he can expect as the next Koko. He won’t eat cat food; it has to be lobster bisque or roast turkey or caviar or …

Good thing his dad inherits millions. He needs ’em to support the kitties.

kittehserf
7 years ago

JJ – I can’t remember if I’ve asked this, but does he get that if you’re creeping someone out, and you find out you’re doing that, you STOP?

Does he get something else important: women cop this shit all the time, and it doesn’t really matter whether the Fifth Dude Doing This Today is a poor awkward maybe-on-the-spectrum type or not: you’re getting the same predatory shit, the same treatment as a thing to be hit on, whether he grasps that little fact or not? He’s still making it all about the poor guy’s feelings and taking no notice of how the women getting this shit feel. Is a man’s wounded NAMALT feeling so much more important than a woman’s right to feel safe, or is boyfriend not able to grasp how women feel about the matter? Does he not get that we’re the ones at risk of harassment, rape, or worse, and we’re constantly told to ignore our own feelings on the matter?

Practical suggestion: get him a copy of The Gift of Fear. The chapter on domestic abuse should be skipped (it gets victim-blamey) but it has a lot to say that men need to read.

J.J
J.J
7 years ago

@kittehserf

He gets that if someone says ‘you are scaring me, stop it’ then they need to stop. he just thinks that too many men get labelled as creepy who don’t have those intentions and then get socially shamed. I don’t agree with him.

He says he just wants to take everyone’s feelings into account, that he’s had friends who eventually committed suicide because they were vilified.. I think he’s talking about people who run in the same social circles, and purposefully ruining people’s social standing and self esteem because of one mistake. Which I don’t think is good either. I’m not talking about ‘this guy is persistent and won’t leave me alone and so I post on Facebook about it’, I mean really trying to ruin someone. I think he’s just sympathetic. He doesn’t think it’s fair that women should feel unsafe, but we shouldn’t ruin anyone. And that my experience isn’t everyone’s. I think he’s tired about talking about it, he says I’m interpreting everything he says in the worst way possible.

I don’t know what to do.

cloudiah
7 years ago

I’m lugging out the big barrel o’ hugs again, and leaving it in the middle of the room. Take a hug, leave a hug. If hugs aren’t your thing, there are penguins in sweaters, hilarious cheating bunnies, and a few clumsy kitties hanging around to give and receive affection or just look adorable.

maggiesausage
maggiesausage
7 years ago

I’ll take one of each. Need it after kissing my mother goodbye before she got taken away in a hearse.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Blimey, JJ, sounds like he’s known some people who’ve had really shit lives.

Thing is, does it sound to you like he’s conflating different issues? The vast majority of men who’re creeping on women are doing so knowingly; if it were mostly genuine mistakes or guys on the spectrum they’d be doing it full time, no meal breaks. And overall, society condones men hitting on / creeping on women vastly more than it condemns men, let alone doing anything as horrible as driving someone to suicide. It sounds almost like the claims misogynists make of an epidemic of false rape accusations.

Does he think about what women on the spectrum, or just socially awkward or isolated or naive, have to go through? It’s not just the possibility of approaching someone badly and giving them the creeps; they’re far more at risk of being targeted by predators.

I know your boyfriend brings up genuine problems (some) guys have, but he really does seem to be making it All About Teh Menz, at least as I’m reading it.

cloudiah
7 years ago

@maggiesausage, I lost my mother recently too. Hugs.

maggiesausage
maggiesausage
7 years ago

God it sucks, sorry about your mother. Hugs back!

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

People here are dealing with some seriously terrible stuff. Hugs to all. If it makes you feel any better I can feel your strength from here.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Hugs, maggiesausage!

kittehserf
7 years ago

Small but happy note: I’ve done my first pic of Mr K from scratch (new template and all) in months. Not the best ever – I don’t think it’ll be one of those I can sit and gaze at for ages – but I’m pretty pleased with it.

http://kittehpics.deviantart.com/art/Happy-Smile-Leather-447180399

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

I’m adding a bunch of hugs to the barrel.

Also, guilty dog:


http://www.simpledeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dog-training-for-dummies.jpg

And a baby orangutan:


http://www.simpledeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/baby-orangutan1.jpg

And heart kitties:


http://www.simpledeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/love_cats.jpg

Angelica: I’m sorry all that happened and it sounds like you had the absolute day from hell. Seconding everyone, that it doesn’t make you a weakling. Those guys were assholes and I think terrorizing is the right word for what they did. Hugs if wanted.

Ally: What your brother’s friend did was was way inappropriate and not funny in the slightest. I’m sorry. And, yeah, you’re brother was being an asshole, too.
It sounds like he understands that he was being an asshole and apologized, so that’s good. Is this the same guy who was making inappropriate comments before?

maggiesausage: Sorry about your mother. My condolences.

JJ: Seconding what kittehs said, especially about having boyfriend read The Gift of Fear. It might help drive home the point about how threatening it is for women to be creeped on.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Squeeeee heart kitties!

And silly puppeh, it makes sense to tear up the book (can’t have humans learning anything more about the Furrinati) but not to get caught with the remains!

AL3H
AL3H
7 years ago

It sounds like some of you have been having a rough time. 🙁

Also, here is a video of a budgie being cute. Hopefully it helps:

@trans_commie

Yeah … that guy was very out of line. I am adding my vote to the severely not funny verdict. I am glad that people understood and apologised, but it even so, it doesn’t sound like a nice experience. 🙁

mildlymagnificent
7 years ago

JJ, you could use the tried and true formula Intention is not magic, but you’d be left explaining what this means for everyday use.

Or you could give him the link to this legendary comment at John Scalzi’s blog.

“If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.

If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.

If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.

If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.

If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you’re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot. If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them. If you think that even with the rules, you won’t be able to avoid stepping on people’s feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.

If you’re a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you’re entitled to step on people’s feet because you’re just that awesome and they’re not really people anyway, you’re a bad person and you don’t get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.

See, that’s why I don’t get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way.”

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/07/31/readercon-harassment-etc/#comment-346433

I realise that this is in the context of events and harassment policies, but it applies just as well to workplaces and social spaces.

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