Well, right now I feel… upset. A combination of very sad and angry. You see, I have a kind of long story to explain it. You see, for a Criminal Procedure class assignment (I’m a digital forensics major), I had to visit a courtroom and watch criminal proceedings. Me, just going to any courtroom that was having a proceeding, not knowing what, happened to go to a case of a sexual assault of a minor. I thought that the trial would be really boring, but I found it really interesting. The DA, especially, was really engaging. Now, I could give you the specific details of what happened, since I’m legally allowed to talk about anything I saw except the victim’s name but I won’t, because, while it’s really unlikely, someone involved in the case MIGHT happen to read this, and I’d rather not deal with all the complications of that happening. Well, basically, I wasn’t there for the victim or her family’s testimonies (except for one, a continuation of her mother’s testimony, and it had very little to do with the sexual assault itself), but I did get to hear the defendant’s testimony, and, long story short, it was full of bullshit. It was obvious he was lying. The story was so full of holes, and the bits I heard of the victim’s family’s story made so much more sense. From what I heard there, I had no doubt in my mind he was guilty. Due to certain factors, there was no physical evidence. I was fairly sure that he would be found guilty, but the jury wouldn’t give their verdict until the next day. I was just too emotionally into the case for a few reasons; the victim and her family were allowed to sit in and watch the closing statements, and from their very visible (and in one case, audible) distress, I could see the victim crying and the others tearing up and trying to comfort her. I was so stressed out from this that I had to take a walk before I went back to college. Writing the paper, even though it’s due in two weeks, I was really stressed writing it. I did things like pace around the room. I was sure that he would be found guilty, but no, he was found not guilty of rape or sexual assault (he was, however, guilty of some other offenses, but lesser: a third-degree felony and two first-degree misdemeanors. I was so upset from this verdict. It made me cry.
This is probably the first time I actually witnessed real injustice. I’ve read about it, and aware it existed, but I never personally witnessed it until now. I was aware of the dismal conviction rates of rape, especially when there’s no physical evidence, but I still thought he would be guilty. I was just too emotionally invested into the trial, which also has me worried about the future. I plan on being a computer forensic scientist, so I need to learn to distance myself from this kind of thing. Even worse, since I plan on digital forensics, the chances of me seeing child pornography are almost certain, I don’t know how I’m going to feel about it. There’s just so many things on my mind right now.
@kittehserf: I don’t want to sound like a squealing fanboy, but updated or no, I always feel somehow at peace after visiting your blog. It’s something about the formatting, the colors, or maybe it’s what the blog is about. Maybe it’s all of it. The relationship stuff rings so true for me and beloved, but with an added twist of ethereal belonging. We sometimes have candlelight Tarot readings together that give me similar feels. It’s serene and it’s beautiful. I do hope you guys share more, if you ever get the time and feel like it.
::blushes hugely::
Hey, I don’t mind a squealing fanboy. I think. Never had one before! 😀
Seriously, the peacful bit is what people used to say when I posted this stuff on Fanstory. It’s always good to know someone’s feeling happy reading it, and I’m very glad it speaks to you.
Believe it or not, the template with the fleur-de-lys is one of WordPress’s! I just put the background pic in.
Recette
10 years ago
I have a co-worker who has since day 1 given me some seriously sketchy vibes, which I always chalked up to him being lonely or socially awkward. He clearly took a shine to me, and since being promoted to a supervisory position a few months ago, began to offer me rides home almost every day, ask me to stay later at work, and tries to give me strange presents (old men’s sweaters, strange junk he has lying around at home, etc.??) I am very firm in my no thank yous and refusals but he does. not stop. asking. Icky gut feelings.
Then, by accident, I found out he was a registered sex offender. Nonviolent, but apparently was busted for possessing child porn.
I am a married but very young looking female type person and I’m seriously thinking about finding a new job just so I won’t have to deal with him anymore. I’m getting some weird psychological fallout from this and since he hasn’t really DONE anything, no one I’ve attempted to speak with about this has taken me seriously. I’m pretty conflict averse, and I don’t wan’t to cause a huge scene at work, attempt to get him fired, etc., and I sure as hell don’t want to create the possibility of being alone with him for a private chat. He is very large but isn’t threatening — at least not overtly so — and hasn’t really done anything other than attempt to flirt with me, but I’ve observed he is VERY, very good at toeing the line so he never says anything that could be reportedly offensive. Yarrgh! I feel like I’m insane, but why should I be made to feel like I need to be on guard all the time? And what if something does end up happening?
To make things worse, I work with 4 girls who are high school age, under 18, and they often work the evening shift alone with him, which I don’t think should be permitted given his status, but I’m not aware if anyone knows about this (I’m unclear on whether or not you’re required to report registered sex offender status to your employer in my state if you’re non-violent)
Can you find out about having to report sex-offender status in your state? You’d think when it comes to offences involving children, the rules would be a lot stricter. Is there any way to find out if HR know about this guy? He sounds like he shouldn’t be allowed to be alone with underage people at all – not in the sense he might attack them, but because of his record.
I wish I could think of something helpful to suggest!
Recette, you definitely need a new job. Unfortunately, I’ll bet your employer already knows about his status. It’s worth attempting to ‘inform’ them, in case it’ll cause plausible deniability to fail, but more importantly, you should talk to the young ladies you work with. If they won’t listen (as they are still minors), to their parents. They are in a lot of danger, and no job is worth that.
I had a bad gut feeling about every bad situation in my life, but I was socially conditioned to ignore that feeling and placate the individuals causing it. I cannot express how much suffering that’s caused me.
canuck_with_pluck
10 years ago
@Recette: I would definitely check it out! I’m an adult woman who looks very young as well, I know the feeling. And it is possible HR doesn’t know…unless it’s the type of job where your whole job is working with children (ECE, teaching etc) I’d bet most employers don’t check.
I’m having a situation with a customer at work. He comes in all the time and says, about anyone who’s working “There’re my friends!” or “There’s my favourite people” and about me “Aww, you’re so nice. You’re so nice.” or “you’re so pretty”. And when he noticed my tongue ring “That’s hot”. This man is about 45, and I’m 28. It’s gotten worse since his fiancee left him. After she left him, he comes in and started complaining about her, about how he paid for her to go to New York, and he paid for this, and he paid for that…”and she just leaves me?”. I’m standing there, and it’s really making me uncomfortable. I don’t really want to hear it, especially since it smacks so much of MRA straw-women, and because I obviously don’t have her side of the story.
Basically, he hasn’t done anything that could *technically* be considered inappropriate, I just get a vibe. And I’m not the only one who notices it. My co-worker does too, and is understanding when I’m short with him or if I go hide in the back.
One day I was chatting to another customer about my commute, and how it takes me an hour to get to the store, and it’s tiring when I work the late shift. He says “Oh, well, if you ever need a place to sleep over, just come on over to my place!” My co-worker and I are just looking at each other in disbelief and it really made me uncomfortable. About a month after that, I was waiting for the bus and pacing because it was cold and I wanted to warm him. He walks by and offers me money (for the bus, I assume.). I’m just thinking to myself “What the fuck dude???”.
Basically, he seems to think that we are friends. We are not. It’s business, as he is a customer. That’s it. It makes me really uncomfortable, because I have to be very careful how I deal with him, because he could get me in trouble if he wanted to. It’s really bugging me and I don’t know how to deal with it.
canuck_with_pluck – eww, that’s gross too. Is your supervisor someone who’d listen, and are they in a position to tell this guy to piss off or at least button it? He sounds creepy at best and potential stalker material at worst. Offering you money or joking about sleeping at his place are way over the “inappropriate” line.
hellkell
10 years ago
Recette: I’m so sorry you’re being creeped on and no one is taking you seriously. I’d start documenting everything he’s done and any further instances. I generally don’t have much faith in hr, but I’d talk to them or someone higher in the org than creeper if you trust them. The fact that he’s a sex offender (non-violent or not) and is working around young women is scary.
Hugs to anyone that needs one.
The orange cat in the pic looks just like the Biscuit, who’s becoming quite the cat burglar. Not only did he abscond with my wedding ring, yesterday I found the thermometer and a battery stashed in the blanket at the foot of the bed, I busted him trying to put one of Mr. HK’s rings in there.
canuck_with_pluck
10 years ago
@kittehsef: We just got a new manager, and she seems pretty cool. We’re about the same age. But if it ever had to escalate, I don’t know if upper management would understand, as they’re all about the customers…and are also mostly white males who don’t get the concept of being creeped on. We have a lot of creepers who come in, and they have never actually DONE anything, you just…know. (The couple of times where we’ve had drunk men {I work in a wine store} act in an inappropriate way with our female customers I’ve kicked them out and it felt GREAT). No matter who talks with him, it’s going to be awkward afterwards, and it makes me angry that he’s created that situation. (Thanks for listening. I could fill the open thread with stories about the inappropriate people I’ve encountered in the last year alone. Argh!)
@Cthulu’s Intern – I’ve worked and volunteered for rape crisis centres, and my wife’s mom used to work for the police in their child-porn investigation department. I cannot emphasize enough how important self-care and therapy are when working in those kinds of fields. Even when you’re not the one being victimized, the pain and stress rub off and, the only way I can think to describe it is that the people I know who’ve worked in these jobs get second-hand PTSD. I strongly recommend you take this time when you’re still in school developing the kinds of habits that will help you when you come across a seriously traumatizing case.
@Recette – Imo, he’s revoked his right to privacy by engaging in child sexual abuse (make no mistake, accessing child porn is absolutely violent and abusive). I’d tell HR, in case they don’t know. Maybe start documenting all of his creepiness beforehand, but I wouldn’t wait too long. I’d also talk with the younger staff and see if they’re ok and make sure he hasn’t been grooming or harming them.
@Canuck – Imo, I’d do the same as the situation above – document & talk to management. The business has a responsibility to the safety of their staff.
I hate this cultural expectation that women ALWAYS have to give creepy men the benefit of the doubt. It goes to absolutely ridiculous degrees! It’s like, unless they have actually kidnapped you and are telling you to put the lotion in the basket, then you’re just overreacting and, gosh, how are Nice GuysTM supposed to ever find their life partner if they’re just so gosh-darned misunderstood by evil wimmins? L;KASDFJKHASDFJKHASDFHJK!!!!!!!
I hate this cultural expectation that women ALWAYS have to give creepy men the benefit of the doubt. It goes to absolutely ridiculous degrees!
ALWAYS. It’s really compounded by being in service positions, which women are more likely to work already. The customer isn’t always fucking right; the customer is frequently a creeper taking advantage of the fact that the person he’s creeping on probably needs that job. Unless you have very good managers (rare), there’s rarely a great solution. Usually it’s up to co-workers to stick up for each other.
Recette,
It might be illegal for this creeper to work with minors, especially since the offense was child porn. I’d definitely talk to HR or whoever is available that is above this guy’s head. They might not have done a criminal background check and might not know this man’s history. If your employer won’t do anything, you might even want to check what the laws regarding sex offenders are in your area. You might be able to find out if he’s supposed to be forbidden from contact with minors.
It really doesn’t sound like the workplace is safe for you or the high school girls. There’s no need to be nice or accommodating when it comes to this. Trust your instincts. They’re usually right.
On a lighter note, one of my favorite bands, Failure is reuniting and touring! They’ll be in my city next month the day before my b-day. My friend’s got tickets. So excited!
leatapp
10 years ago
Forget chocolate! Hubby brought me sushi rolls!
I officially suggest that replace chocolate as the food associated with Valentines Day.
This is much better. Nothing says “love” like tempora wrapped in rice and made deliciously spicy.
I just got sexually harassed by a stranger over the phone. He left a message that sounded like he was having sex. I don’t know why these things happen to me…
I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking of myself as a stupid idiot.
I know I’m not. People have told me in the past that I’m intelligent and that I can do good work. But I can’t seem to be able to convince myself otherwise.
I just got sexually harassed by a stranger over the phone. He left a message that sounded like he was having sex. I don’t know why these things happen to me…
Gah! Seriously, it really does seem like this kind of stuff happens to you way too often. You are the Cardiff Rift of random harrassment.
Lady Ballsnip
10 years ago
I just had to think about this site. I’m in a situation right now where I just can’t do it ”right”.
I was in a fresh relationship with a guy I knew for some time, but as it progressed I started to doubt whether I’d want to spend a lot of time with him. To make it worse I fell in love (without hope, I think…) with another dude and I just found myself thinking about him all week. Is there hope, is there no hope, bad sleep and many dreams where he played some role.
Continuing with my (then) bf felt dishonest to him, to me, to everything basically. So, I treated him with what I saw as dignity and respect and just opened up about the situation.
I then talked 2 hours with him about him, his feelings, his hurt ego. In the mean time I got accusations, he talked himself and his situation down and made it seem like I was the happiest and luckiest person on earth. He then progressed to tell me that I’m not allowed to feel bad about the situation. He went too far with that.
But now I’m being accused of ”dumping him/tossing him aside” (such wording, I’m not a native speaker) while I was NOT treating him like an object, while I wanted to be respectful and honest, while I didn’t want to treat someone like an ‘alternative I’ll just put up with’. If I’d continue with him it’d be ”leading him on”, ”using him”, ”using him for his wallet while cheating in the mind”, ”using him for the meantime until I could get the other dude”.
And these things happen all the time. Like when you’re not interested in some guy. Being vague or unresponsive is ”bad”, when you’re upfront and say ”I’m not interested” he can just shout out ”I didn’t want you in the first place!” or I’m cold, heartless, mean, rude for saying it to him in such a manner.
Immature people, and I guess MRA’s have this horrible tendency to *entirely* dismiss the situation, feelings, motivations, relationships, basically everything, to judge the shallow appearance of behaviour (”dumping him for someone else, tossing him aside just like that”) and judge you. Then they go into misogynist mode and complain about how horrible, cold and heartless women are.
Such things happened several times and it’s a recurring thing. That there’s just no ”right” option because your side of the story, your motives and thoughts are completely dismissed so you’re a bad person either way. Then there’s the assumption right away that my intentions are shallow, mean, whatever.
So many people do this.
Rant over.
Lady Ballsnip
10 years ago
@Cthulhu’s Intern
I like your name.
We don’t have a jury here… good thing, I suppose. At least in cases like this. Wow.
@Lady Ballsnip – as a divorcee, I believe those kinds of cultural messages keep way too many people in relationships that aren’t working for way too long. If I hadn’t been so caught up in seeing my ex as “a catch” that I “should” have been happy with, I never would have married him and we both could have moved on with our lives much earlier on. Le sigh.
I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking of myself as a stupid idiot.
I know I’m not. People have told me in the past that I’m intelligent and that I can do good work. But I can’t seem to be able to convince myself otherwise.
Ah, jerkbrain stuff. That sucks. I have a hard time not thinking of myself as a worthless,talentless schuster whom no one could, would or should like, let alone spend time with.
And yet, somewhat mysteriously, I seem to meet all these people who like me and end up in these positions of having social power and or managing teams of people. I must be really good at faking it (my brain whispers) or possibly everyone else is doing it on a lark just to watch me fail
What helps me is to keep a journal ,and then, very simply, write down about 5 things each night before I fall asleep that I thought went wel today / was fun / that I did well and or very well.
Nothing else. I call it my Positive Handbook of Experiences Beneficial To A Malevolent State of Mind, but I’m a fan of long titles. Consciously forcing my brain to acknowledge moments of ability, capacity or awesomeness means I don’t get to do the thing my brain wants to do with “Ah, yeah, you say that, but I know I am a horrid manbeast of chtonic origin fit only for shame and slavery / yeah, but my hair looks bad today” because I am litterally recalling the experience and writing it down, and end up having a list of things.
I took that from research on emotional states, which indicated that writing down positive things helped cement them in the mind for later recollection. It seems to work.
I think LBT (?) has a computer list of Good Things which is also a great idea for combating self loathing. Inudate yourself with positive things! Like fluffy bunnies and puppies.
I also find that meditation helps – I got some use of Joseph Goldstein, The Experience of Insight (But it might be too zen for a lot of people, too… wishy washily “Look at the stone, and the stone will feel, and you will be an ocean“). In any case, just sitting around for a bit and taking a conscious moment to myself to just fucking relax and not be so stressed and shut up, brain, I’m relaxing now, so you can stow your shit till in five minutes is the positie take away.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has some good exercises for working with yourself, so look into that if you want.
I have self-love routines that I set up with the specific purpose of doing things that makes me feel happy, so maybe think about things that makes you feel happy and take specific time out to do this?
Also, what I said was just the gist of it. The message he left was “Ahh yeah baby, aahhhhh, get on top of it, ahhhh, just taste it, I want you to taste it, ahhh.” And then later on he texted me “Fuck you”. Here’s how the rest of the exchange went:
Me: “I have no idea who you are. You might have the wrong number.”
Him: “I know you ;)”
Me: “Can you tell me who you are please? I seriously don’t know who you are.”
Him: “No”
Me: “Okay whatever. Just don’t leave anymore voicemails like the one you just left me. Are you [someone I know]?”
Him: “He look I’m not trying to freak you out. I just have needs.”
Me: “No one has a ‘need’ to send random people voicemails that make them feel uncomfortable and creeped out. Please just leave me alone. I don’t even know you.”
Him: “today I put on my mommies wedding dress and played with my dongle have you ever tried that?”
This is a local Colorado number, too. I’m so scared. I hope it’s not some stalker. I haven’t replied and I don’t think I will since he just keeps frightening me.
Continuing with my (then) bf felt dishonest to him, to me, to everything basically. So, I treated him with what I saw as dignity and respect and just opened up about the situation.
I then talked 2 hours with him about him, his feelings, his hurt ego. In the mean time I got accusations, he talked himself and his situation down and made it seem like I was the happiest and luckiest person on earth. He then progressed to tell me that I’m not allowed to feel bad about the situation. He went too far with that.
But now I’m being accused of ”dumping him/tossing him aside” (such wording, I’m not a native speaker) while I was NOT treating him like an object, while I wanted to be respectful and honest, while I didn’t want to treat someone like an ‘alternative I’ll just put up with’. If I’d continue with him it’d be ”leading him on”, ”using him”, ”using him for his wallet while cheating in the mind”, ”using him for the meantime until I could get the other dude”.
And these things happen all the time. Like when you’re not interested in some guy. Being vague or unresponsive is ”bad”, when you’re upfront and say ”I’m not interested” he can just shout out ”I didn’t want you in the first place!” or I’m cold, heartless, mean, rude for saying it to him in such a manner.
Ooooh hey! An entire conversation of: “So these are the reasons that my decision was completely the right decision to take, because this person is clearly not interested in my long term well being”.
That’s a little lucky, I guess. Sucks about the monstrous vortex of emotional suckage, though. Disregarding people’s opinions about other people is kind of a thing, where they get to dictate the terms of the story because “You are just so evil / mean / crude / rude / nasty”.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, but at least if you don’t you will be better off in the long run.
@trans_commie – that’s gross and scary, I’m sorry. :/
@Fibinachi – wise words, fer sher. I’m pretty sure Captain Awkward wrote a column on breaking up and the gist of it was “They don’t have to agree with your reasons for wanting to not be together. This isn’t a democracy. Your not wanting to be with them, regardless of if you have articulately verbalize why is 100% enough.” Which is so true. It doesn’t suck any less, because breakups will always suck, but it is what it is and what it is is a breakup.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Well, right now I feel… upset. A combination of very sad and angry. You see, I have a kind of long story to explain it. You see, for a Criminal Procedure class assignment (I’m a digital forensics major), I had to visit a courtroom and watch criminal proceedings. Me, just going to any courtroom that was having a proceeding, not knowing what, happened to go to a case of a sexual assault of a minor. I thought that the trial would be really boring, but I found it really interesting. The DA, especially, was really engaging. Now, I could give you the specific details of what happened, since I’m legally allowed to talk about anything I saw except the victim’s name but I won’t, because, while it’s really unlikely, someone involved in the case MIGHT happen to read this, and I’d rather not deal with all the complications of that happening. Well, basically, I wasn’t there for the victim or her family’s testimonies (except for one, a continuation of her mother’s testimony, and it had very little to do with the sexual assault itself), but I did get to hear the defendant’s testimony, and, long story short, it was full of bullshit. It was obvious he was lying. The story was so full of holes, and the bits I heard of the victim’s family’s story made so much more sense. From what I heard there, I had no doubt in my mind he was guilty. Due to certain factors, there was no physical evidence. I was fairly sure that he would be found guilty, but the jury wouldn’t give their verdict until the next day. I was just too emotionally into the case for a few reasons; the victim and her family were allowed to sit in and watch the closing statements, and from their very visible (and in one case, audible) distress, I could see the victim crying and the others tearing up and trying to comfort her. I was so stressed out from this that I had to take a walk before I went back to college. Writing the paper, even though it’s due in two weeks, I was really stressed writing it. I did things like pace around the room. I was sure that he would be found guilty, but no, he was found not guilty of rape or sexual assault (he was, however, guilty of some other offenses, but lesser: a third-degree felony and two first-degree misdemeanors. I was so upset from this verdict. It made me cry.
This is probably the first time I actually witnessed real injustice. I’ve read about it, and aware it existed, but I never personally witnessed it until now. I was aware of the dismal conviction rates of rape, especially when there’s no physical evidence, but I still thought he would be guilty. I was just too emotionally invested into the trial, which also has me worried about the future. I plan on being a computer forensic scientist, so I need to learn to distance myself from this kind of thing. Even worse, since I plan on digital forensics, the chances of me seeing child pornography are almost certain, I don’t know how I’m going to feel about it. There’s just so many things on my mind right now.
From the previous thread, Anarchonist:
::blushes hugely::
Hey, I don’t mind a squealing fanboy. I think. Never had one before! 😀
Seriously, the peacful bit is what people used to say when I posted this stuff on Fanstory. It’s always good to know someone’s feeling happy reading it, and I’m very glad it speaks to you.
Believe it or not, the template with the fleur-de-lys is one of WordPress’s! I just put the background pic in.
I have a co-worker who has since day 1 given me some seriously sketchy vibes, which I always chalked up to him being lonely or socially awkward. He clearly took a shine to me, and since being promoted to a supervisory position a few months ago, began to offer me rides home almost every day, ask me to stay later at work, and tries to give me strange presents (old men’s sweaters, strange junk he has lying around at home, etc.??) I am very firm in my no thank yous and refusals but he does. not stop. asking. Icky gut feelings.
Then, by accident, I found out he was a registered sex offender. Nonviolent, but apparently was busted for possessing child porn.
I am a married but very young looking female type person and I’m seriously thinking about finding a new job just so I won’t have to deal with him anymore. I’m getting some weird psychological fallout from this and since he hasn’t really DONE anything, no one I’ve attempted to speak with about this has taken me seriously. I’m pretty conflict averse, and I don’t wan’t to cause a huge scene at work, attempt to get him fired, etc., and I sure as hell don’t want to create the possibility of being alone with him for a private chat. He is very large but isn’t threatening — at least not overtly so — and hasn’t really done anything other than attempt to flirt with me, but I’ve observed he is VERY, very good at toeing the line so he never says anything that could be reportedly offensive. Yarrgh! I feel like I’m insane, but why should I be made to feel like I need to be on guard all the time? And what if something does end up happening?
To make things worse, I work with 4 girls who are high school age, under 18, and they often work the evening shift alone with him, which I don’t think should be permitted given his status, but I’m not aware if anyone knows about this (I’m unclear on whether or not you’re required to report registered sex offender status to your employer in my state if you’re non-violent)
Recette, urgh, that’s horrible.
Can you find out about having to report sex-offender status in your state? You’d think when it comes to offences involving children, the rules would be a lot stricter. Is there any way to find out if HR know about this guy? He sounds like he shouldn’t be allowed to be alone with underage people at all – not in the sense he might attack them, but because of his record.
I wish I could think of something helpful to suggest!
Recette, you definitely need a new job. Unfortunately, I’ll bet your employer already knows about his status. It’s worth attempting to ‘inform’ them, in case it’ll cause plausible deniability to fail, but more importantly, you should talk to the young ladies you work with. If they won’t listen (as they are still minors), to their parents. They are in a lot of danger, and no job is worth that.
I had a bad gut feeling about every bad situation in my life, but I was socially conditioned to ignore that feeling and placate the individuals causing it. I cannot express how much suffering that’s caused me.
@Recette: I would definitely check it out! I’m an adult woman who looks very young as well, I know the feeling. And it is possible HR doesn’t know…unless it’s the type of job where your whole job is working with children (ECE, teaching etc) I’d bet most employers don’t check.
I’m having a situation with a customer at work. He comes in all the time and says, about anyone who’s working “There’re my friends!” or “There’s my favourite people” and about me “Aww, you’re so nice. You’re so nice.” or “you’re so pretty”. And when he noticed my tongue ring “That’s hot”. This man is about 45, and I’m 28. It’s gotten worse since his fiancee left him. After she left him, he comes in and started complaining about her, about how he paid for her to go to New York, and he paid for this, and he paid for that…”and she just leaves me?”. I’m standing there, and it’s really making me uncomfortable. I don’t really want to hear it, especially since it smacks so much of MRA straw-women, and because I obviously don’t have her side of the story.
Basically, he hasn’t done anything that could *technically* be considered inappropriate, I just get a vibe. And I’m not the only one who notices it. My co-worker does too, and is understanding when I’m short with him or if I go hide in the back.
One day I was chatting to another customer about my commute, and how it takes me an hour to get to the store, and it’s tiring when I work the late shift. He says “Oh, well, if you ever need a place to sleep over, just come on over to my place!” My co-worker and I are just looking at each other in disbelief and it really made me uncomfortable. About a month after that, I was waiting for the bus and pacing because it was cold and I wanted to warm him. He walks by and offers me money (for the bus, I assume.). I’m just thinking to myself “What the fuck dude???”.
Basically, he seems to think that we are friends. We are not. It’s business, as he is a customer. That’s it. It makes me really uncomfortable, because I have to be very careful how I deal with him, because he could get me in trouble if he wanted to. It’s really bugging me and I don’t know how to deal with it.
canuck_with_pluck – eww, that’s gross too. Is your supervisor someone who’d listen, and are they in a position to tell this guy to piss off or at least button it? He sounds creepy at best and potential stalker material at worst. Offering you money or joking about sleeping at his place are way over the “inappropriate” line.
Recette: I’m so sorry you’re being creeped on and no one is taking you seriously. I’d start documenting everything he’s done and any further instances. I generally don’t have much faith in hr, but I’d talk to them or someone higher in the org than creeper if you trust them. The fact that he’s a sex offender (non-violent or not) and is working around young women is scary.
Hugs to anyone that needs one.
The orange cat in the pic looks just like the Biscuit, who’s becoming quite the cat burglar. Not only did he abscond with my wedding ring, yesterday I found the thermometer and a battery stashed in the blanket at the foot of the bed, I busted him trying to put one of Mr. HK’s rings in there.
@kittehsef: We just got a new manager, and she seems pretty cool. We’re about the same age. But if it ever had to escalate, I don’t know if upper management would understand, as they’re all about the customers…and are also mostly white males who don’t get the concept of being creeped on. We have a lot of creepers who come in, and they have never actually DONE anything, you just…know. (The couple of times where we’ve had drunk men {I work in a wine store} act in an inappropriate way with our female customers I’ve kicked them out and it felt GREAT). No matter who talks with him, it’s going to be awkward afterwards, and it makes me angry that he’s created that situation. (Thanks for listening. I could fill the open thread with stories about the inappropriate people I’ve encountered in the last year alone. Argh!)
@Cthulu’s Intern – I’ve worked and volunteered for rape crisis centres, and my wife’s mom used to work for the police in their child-porn investigation department. I cannot emphasize enough how important self-care and therapy are when working in those kinds of fields. Even when you’re not the one being victimized, the pain and stress rub off and, the only way I can think to describe it is that the people I know who’ve worked in these jobs get second-hand PTSD. I strongly recommend you take this time when you’re still in school developing the kinds of habits that will help you when you come across a seriously traumatizing case.
@Recette – Imo, he’s revoked his right to privacy by engaging in child sexual abuse (make no mistake, accessing child porn is absolutely violent and abusive). I’d tell HR, in case they don’t know. Maybe start documenting all of his creepiness beforehand, but I wouldn’t wait too long. I’d also talk with the younger staff and see if they’re ok and make sure he hasn’t been grooming or harming them.
@Canuck – Imo, I’d do the same as the situation above – document & talk to management. The business has a responsibility to the safety of their staff.
I hate this cultural expectation that women ALWAYS have to give creepy men the benefit of the doubt. It goes to absolutely ridiculous degrees! It’s like, unless they have actually kidnapped you and are telling you to put the lotion in the basket, then you’re just overreacting and, gosh, how are Nice GuysTM supposed to ever find their life partner if they’re just so gosh-darned misunderstood by evil wimmins? L;KASDFJKHASDFJKHASDFHJK!!!!!!!
ALWAYS. It’s really compounded by being in service positions, which women are more likely to work already. The customer isn’t always fucking right; the customer is frequently a creeper taking advantage of the fact that the person he’s creeping on probably needs that job. Unless you have very good managers (rare), there’s rarely a great solution. Usually it’s up to co-workers to stick up for each other.
Recette,
It might be illegal for this creeper to work with minors, especially since the offense was child porn. I’d definitely talk to HR or whoever is available that is above this guy’s head. They might not have done a criminal background check and might not know this man’s history. If your employer won’t do anything, you might even want to check what the laws regarding sex offenders are in your area. You might be able to find out if he’s supposed to be forbidden from contact with minors.
It really doesn’t sound like the workplace is safe for you or the high school girls. There’s no need to be nice or accommodating when it comes to this. Trust your instincts. They’re usually right.
On a lighter note, one of my favorite bands, Failure is reuniting and touring! They’ll be in my city next month the day before my b-day. My friend’s got tickets. So excited!
Forget chocolate! Hubby brought me sushi rolls!
I officially suggest that replace chocolate as the food associated with Valentines Day.
This is much better. Nothing says “love” like tempora wrapped in rice and made deliciously spicy.
Well said. No English words for how uncool it is that women have to put up with this *&(*&*(& as part of just showing up and doing their jobs.
I just got sexually harassed by a stranger over the phone. He left a message that sounded like he was having sex. I don’t know why these things happen to me…
I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking of myself as a stupid idiot.
I know I’m not. People have told me in the past that I’m intelligent and that I can do good work. But I can’t seem to be able to convince myself otherwise.
Gah! Seriously, it really does seem like this kind of stuff happens to you way too often. You are the Cardiff Rift of random harrassment.
I just had to think about this site. I’m in a situation right now where I just can’t do it ”right”.
I was in a fresh relationship with a guy I knew for some time, but as it progressed I started to doubt whether I’d want to spend a lot of time with him. To make it worse I fell in love (without hope, I think…) with another dude and I just found myself thinking about him all week. Is there hope, is there no hope, bad sleep and many dreams where he played some role.
Continuing with my (then) bf felt dishonest to him, to me, to everything basically. So, I treated him with what I saw as dignity and respect and just opened up about the situation.
I then talked 2 hours with him about him, his feelings, his hurt ego. In the mean time I got accusations, he talked himself and his situation down and made it seem like I was the happiest and luckiest person on earth. He then progressed to tell me that I’m not allowed to feel bad about the situation. He went too far with that.
But now I’m being accused of ”dumping him/tossing him aside” (such wording, I’m not a native speaker) while I was NOT treating him like an object, while I wanted to be respectful and honest, while I didn’t want to treat someone like an ‘alternative I’ll just put up with’. If I’d continue with him it’d be ”leading him on”, ”using him”, ”using him for his wallet while cheating in the mind”, ”using him for the meantime until I could get the other dude”.
And these things happen all the time. Like when you’re not interested in some guy. Being vague or unresponsive is ”bad”, when you’re upfront and say ”I’m not interested” he can just shout out ”I didn’t want you in the first place!” or I’m cold, heartless, mean, rude for saying it to him in such a manner.
Immature people, and I guess MRA’s have this horrible tendency to *entirely* dismiss the situation, feelings, motivations, relationships, basically everything, to judge the shallow appearance of behaviour (”dumping him for someone else, tossing him aside just like that”) and judge you. Then they go into misogynist mode and complain about how horrible, cold and heartless women are.
Such things happened several times and it’s a recurring thing. That there’s just no ”right” option because your side of the story, your motives and thoughts are completely dismissed so you’re a bad person either way. Then there’s the assumption right away that my intentions are shallow, mean, whatever.
So many people do this.
Rant over.
@Cthulhu’s Intern
I like your name.
We don’t have a jury here… good thing, I suppose. At least in cases like this. Wow.
@Lady Ballsnip – as a divorcee, I believe those kinds of cultural messages keep way too many people in relationships that aren’t working for way too long. If I hadn’t been so caught up in seeing my ex as “a catch” that I “should” have been happy with, I never would have married him and we both could have moved on with our lives much earlier on. Le sigh.
Ah, jerkbrain stuff. That sucks. I have a hard time not thinking of myself as a worthless,talentless schuster whom no one could, would or should like, let alone spend time with.
And yet, somewhat mysteriously, I seem to meet all these people who like me and end up in these positions of having social power and or managing teams of people. I must be really good at faking it (my brain whispers) or possibly everyone else is doing it on a lark just to watch me fail
What helps me is to keep a journal ,and then, very simply, write down about 5 things each night before I fall asleep that I thought went wel today / was fun / that I did well and or very well.
Nothing else. I call it my Positive Handbook of Experiences Beneficial To A Malevolent State of Mind, but I’m a fan of long titles. Consciously forcing my brain to acknowledge moments of ability, capacity or awesomeness means I don’t get to do the thing my brain wants to do with “Ah, yeah, you say that, but I know I am a horrid manbeast of chtonic origin fit only for shame and slavery / yeah, but my hair looks bad today” because I am litterally recalling the experience and writing it down, and end up having a list of things.
I took that from research on emotional states, which indicated that writing down positive things helped cement them in the mind for later recollection. It seems to work.
I think LBT (?) has a computer list of Good Things which is also a great idea for combating self loathing. Inudate yourself with positive things! Like fluffy bunnies and puppies.
I also find that meditation helps – I got some use of Joseph Goldstein, The Experience of Insight (But it might be too zen for a lot of people, too… wishy washily “Look at the stone, and the stone will feel, and you will be an ocean“). In any case, just sitting around for a bit and taking a conscious moment to myself to just fucking relax and not be so stressed and shut up, brain, I’m relaxing now, so you can stow your shit till in five minutes is the positie take away.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has some good exercises for working with yourself, so look into that if you want.
I have self-love routines that I set up with the specific purpose of doing things that makes me feel happy, so maybe think about things that makes you feel happy and take specific time out to do this?
@katz
I know, right?
[CN: sexual harassment in graphic detail]
Also, what I said was just the gist of it. The message he left was “Ahh yeah baby, aahhhhh, get on top of it, ahhhh, just taste it, I want you to taste it, ahhh.” And then later on he texted me “Fuck you”. Here’s how the rest of the exchange went:
Me: “I have no idea who you are. You might have the wrong number.”
Him: “I know you ;)”
Me: “Can you tell me who you are please? I seriously don’t know who you are.”
Him: “No”
Me: “Okay whatever. Just don’t leave anymore voicemails like the one you just left me. Are you [someone I know]?”
Him: “He look I’m not trying to freak you out. I just have needs.”
Me: “No one has a ‘need’ to send random people voicemails that make them feel uncomfortable and creeped out. Please just leave me alone. I don’t even know you.”
Him: “today I put on my mommies wedding dress and played with my dongle have you ever tried that?”
This is a local Colorado number, too. I’m so scared. I hope it’s not some stalker. I haven’t replied and I don’t think I will since he just keeps frightening me.
Ooooh hey! An entire conversation of: “So these are the reasons that my decision was completely the right decision to take, because this person is clearly not interested in my long term well being”.
That’s a little lucky, I guess. Sucks about the monstrous vortex of emotional suckage, though. Disregarding people’s opinions about other people is kind of a thing, where they get to dictate the terms of the story because “You are just so evil / mean / crude / rude / nasty”.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, but at least if you don’t you will be better off in the long run.
Sympathy from here.
@trans_commie – that’s gross and scary, I’m sorry. :/
@Fibinachi – wise words, fer sher. I’m pretty sure Captain Awkward wrote a column on breaking up and the gist of it was “They don’t have to agree with your reasons for wanting to not be together. This isn’t a democracy. Your not wanting to be with them, regardless of if you have articulately verbalize why is 100% enough.” Which is so true. It doesn’t suck any less, because breakups will always suck, but it is what it is and what it is is a breakup.
Fibinachi – Yep, jerkbrain. I hate my jerkbrain sometimes, it drives me up the wall.
Might go ahead and take your suggestion, presuming that I remember.