Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.
I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY “Christian McQueen,” who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and “coaching” and whatnot.
But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.
And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.
Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:
“Excuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?”
BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!
Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?
Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:
The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that I’ll break down right now:
EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word ‘Starbucks’, they get happy.
I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.
I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.
There’s Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and you’re reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. It’s a Global Friendly Line.
Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!
‘Starbucks’ equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word ‘Starbucks’ come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.
Other “comfort” words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: “pillows,” “puppies,” “mashed potatoes,” and “some place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.”
When you mention ‘Starbucks’, you’re mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, you’re a part of the ‘club’, the fan club of Starbucks that it.
Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.
When you ask a girl where one is, she’ll automatically put you in the ‘normal human being’ category, because ‘normal’ people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.
Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.
You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like “right fucking here, you asshole,” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”
Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.
In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic “I have a kitty,” to more advanced versions like “I have two kitties” to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.
You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase “in my pants” to the end of them. Thus “I have kitties” becomes “I have kitties – in my pants.”
You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant “that looks infected” indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.
You: “That looks infected.”
Her: “What the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?”
You: Um, your nose.”
Her: “My nose is fine, you fucking creep.”
You: “Well, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.”
Her: “I only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.”
Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!
I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the “that looks infected” opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.
SEVEN KITTIES
::dies of envy::
@kittehs I have promised Busband that when we ‘retire’, we can open a Home For Wayward Pusses. It is his dream to care for every kitty in the world. I don’t mind one bit, of course.
Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off if I went to high school. I could have chosen to go to high school if I wanted to, but my dad made school (and really, any academic setting with teenagers) sound like a dangerous environment in which I would be bullied almost immediately. And of course he was afraid of me dating girls my age as well. Maybe if I went to high school I’d actually learn how to socialize better – my dad would never be ashamed of me whenever I awkwardly greeted his friends and relatives.
I really do regret choosing to just stay at home with my dad all the time and study by myself. I ruined so much of my social life, and it only took 3 years (ages 14-17). The tarot readings I’ve received have told me that I need to let go of past regrets, but that’s way easier said than done.
Has it ever occurred to the guys who’re genuinely awkward and not just assholes with weird ideas about dating to get a dog? Because I can’t think of a better way to open social interactions than walking around with a cute, friendly dog. Everyone (who isn’t scared of dogs) will talk to you then!
RE: Ally
If it helps at all, I have known many people from my high school who couldn’t have socialized their way out of a wet paper bag. And I did know people who were violently bullied. Like, sure, the time in high school might have helped… but it might not have. There’s really no way to know.
TRUTH!
On that note, though, high school isn’t the only place to learn socialization, and not even the most fun place. There are groups of people out there who are interested in and passionate about the same things you are. You can often treat them the same way you treat blogs: lurk, observe, suss them out, and see how comfortably you fit before you decide whether to interact with them.
I didn’t learn social skills until… well, partially in college, and partially during my backpacking year, because I had to come out over and over and over again.
Cassandra, I’ve actually seen that meme quite a lot in movies and TV shows and stuff, with men attracting women by walking around with a puppy and using it as an opening. Usually its not even their dog, they just borrow it. It seems like a silly ploy, actually, because the woman is going to ask where the dog is as soon as she enters your house. Is there any answer to that question that wouldn’t appear really creepy?
On the other hand, pets are supposed to help ease the symptoms of social anxiety, so maybe we’re reversing cause and effect. Maybe having a dog makes you more likely to approach people and look approachable, rather than the pet’s cuteness attracting people to you.
kittehserf, Will you remind me of the brunch date? I think I have it on my calendar but I WANT TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE I DON’T MISS MY CHANCE TO SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
@LBT
I guess you’re right that there’s really no way to know. I just feel that I grew up too fast. Instead of making friends at school I was forced to stay indoors and study constantly. Maybe I would just be bullied in high school and become even more withdrawn (I am a trans girl after all, and I highly doubt that I would be treated nicely by the cis boys and girls at high school). But I feel like somehow I would have benefited from going to high school because of the exposure to folks my age. Even now I find myself only befriending people much older than me (the one friend I had in community college was 36, and then I just got along with the teachers). I feel like I can relate to people 30 years older than me, but people my age just seem alien in a way even though I don’t think less of them.
The pick-up line my husband used with me was, “Hi. I like your jacket.”
LBT: I use tarot the same way your sibling does. It’s a very nice way to meditate and sort my thoughts out.
Some of the decks out there are really quite beautiful, too.
If some dudebro asked me for directions to Starbucks I’d think he had no taste. I hate Starbucks but then again, I’m a feminist. Starbucks is the worst most bitter swill I’ve ever had. The best I’ve ever had is obviously buying my own beans, grindin em and then using a espresso machine. There’s a coffee from Whitehorse, Yukon called ‘Midnight Sun’ that was really good.
@kitteh:
I went through extreme coffee culture shock when I went to AUS for 3 months. Nobody knew what I meant when I asked for cream. They gave me 2% milk. When I asked for real cream they gave me a little bowl of what looked like freshly whipped heavy cream that resembled butter.
When I got to TAS, after spending a week in Mel, I finally got cream at a corner butcher shop. It was very expensive but I just had to have it!
Tarot? Someone(s) mentioned Tarot? Ooohhhh…I have been a Tarot reader, professionally, since I was 24. What deck(s) do you use? Tarot is one of my very fave things to do…along with folksinging, needlework, watercolor, colored pencils and soooo much more!
Life is grand!
samantha: My favorite deck is called “The World Spirit Tarot.” The prettiest one I own is “The Gilded Botticelli Tarot.”
I only read for myself, and it’s more of a meditation than prediction. I read something once (and I really wish I could remember from where) that went something along the lines of: “If you’re not sure what to do about something, flip a coin. If it lands heads-up, and you think, ‘I really wished that had landed tails-up,’ then you know what decision you want to make.” That’s kinda how I use the tarot.
Oh my god this is fucking horrifying. These dudes are well aware that they are predators and they put forth a conscious effort to appear “normal” so that they try extra hard to make their potential victims feel all warm and “safe” by associating positive feelings during their first encounter with said predators. Ew.
I has a sad at the hate for Freethought Blogs I’ve seen expressed by a couple of people.
FTB are the ones who are fighting the good fight against sexists in the skeptic/atheist movement.
Fighting and winning, by the way. Karen Stollznow’s legal defense fund met its five figure goal in under 6 hours and is still growing. Compared to the plaintiff, who started his fund earlier and who’s yet to raise $500.
Yes, on Pharyngula they will hand you your ass on a platter* if you offer a dishonest or poorly reasoned argument, but they’ve chosen that plain-spoken, in-your-face, barroom brawl type culture for themselves. I respect the culture here when I come here; I respect theirs when I’m there.
And however mean they get, they never give sexism (or racism, or homophobia, or transphobia) a free pass.
* Different FTB blogs have different comment policies. Some are pretty polite spaces.
They have a right to choose whatever culture they like for themselves. Other people have a right not to like that culture. Trying to guilt people into not saying that they dislike that culture is unlikely to make them like it more.
Gods yes. I have had so many conversations in the park because I’ve been fangirling people’s dogs. 🙂
Sunday May 4th
Sunday May 4th
Sunday May 4th
Sunday May 4th
Do you do hugs, cloudiah? I tend to do hugs when meeting long-distance friends. Usually accompanied by squeees.
House Mouse Queen – I sympathise, I had the reverse coffee shock in LA! I asked for an iced coffee. Here that means a coffee made with cold milk, usually with vanilla ice cream in it. There it means … well, I think it could mean a few things, but in this case it was cold black coffee. Urrrgh!
Lady Mondegreen – there is a lot of good about FTB; it’s one particular aspect of the culture there I dislike, and I’d hardly call anything said here a hate-on. I dislike the outright hate-on many commenters on Pharyngula express for anything not strictly atheist. It’s their safe space, their feelings to express; it simply means I don’t feel safe there. It diminishes the pleasure in reading threads about the subjects (feminism, misogyny etc) that interest me.
I was rather amused by someone saying that the secular pro-life mob can’t really be secular; they must have some sort of religious agenda. They did get disagreement on that No True Scotsmanish claim.
@ Kittehs
When you got the iced coffee in LA wasn’t there milk available to add? Most people here do drink it with milk, it’s just usually an add it yourself kind of deal rather than arriving with the milk already added/
I can’t remember if it was milk or (shudder) creamer, but I had to ask for it to add, and it tasted vile anyway.
Best cold drink I can think of, which I’d hope would be available in some form in the US: iced Spanish drinking chocolate. San Churro’s (“chocolate will save your soul”) here make one of their usual hot chocolates, which are very thick and smooth, and shove it in the freezer for a couple of minutes.
GF and I were making mouth orgasm noises drinking the things.
In public.
It sounds like what you’re after is more what we’d call an iced vanilla latte. Possibly worth trying while you’re here?
The reason for the assemble it yourself thing here is probably people like me who’re really picky about exactly how much of what is added to our drinks. I love iced tea, but hate when it arrives pre-sweetened (especially when it’s green tea).
kittehs, there are two kinds of iced coffee. One is made with a shot or two of espresso, add icecream and milk in a large glass, the kind most of us have most of the time. (Though some weirdos put some of that ghastly cream-from-a-spraycan stuff on the top.) The other is a sort of traditional Italian thing. A shot of espresso topped off with chipped ice to mostly fill a latte glass. Depends on the quality of the coffee whether you choose to add sugar. Very refreshing when it’s 35C at 10am. You usually have it with a large glass of icewater on the side.
Your LA experience might have been a local version of that. I’ve never seen anyone add milk to it here, though.
Though here the popular drink is sold in a carton.
In 2008, Farmers Union Iced Coffee outsold Coca-Cola in South Australia at a rate of almost 3:1, with South Australians consuming 36 million litres, making it the only place in the world where a milk drink outsells a cola product, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farmers_Union_Iced_Coffee
Here what you get if you order iced coffee is brewed coffee rather than espresso poured over ice, so it’s really strong and often pretty bitter. If you want diluted espresso you’d order an americano.
What I’d really love to see is Vietnamese iced coffee being as available as Starbucks is, but that’s never going to happen.
Iced vanilla latte sounds pretty much like what I’d have at home. Not that “several spoons of instant decaf made up with milk” really fits any description of coffee from a coffee shop. 🙂
mildlymaginificent – interesting, I’ve never encountered the espresso with ice here; it could be that it’s described as espresso, rather than as iced coffee, and I wouldn’t be looking at espresso anything, so wouldn’t have noticed.
We have the Farmers’ Union Iced Coffee here, too! I can’t recall if I’ve ever tried it.
Goulburn Valley do iced chocolate and strawberry milk now, too.
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