Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.
I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY “Christian McQueen,” who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and “coaching” and whatnot.
But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.
And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.
Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:
“Excuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?”
BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!
Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?
Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:
The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that I’ll break down right now:
EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word ‘Starbucks’, they get happy.
I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.
I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.
There’s Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and you’re reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. It’s a Global Friendly Line.
Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!
‘Starbucks’ equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word ‘Starbucks’ come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.
Other “comfort” words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: “pillows,” “puppies,” “mashed potatoes,” and “some place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.”
When you mention ‘Starbucks’, you’re mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, you’re a part of the ‘club’, the fan club of Starbucks that it.
Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.
When you ask a girl where one is, she’ll automatically put you in the ‘normal human being’ category, because ‘normal’ people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.
Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.
You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like “right fucking here, you asshole,” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”
Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.
In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic “I have a kitty,” to more advanced versions like “I have two kitties” to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.
You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase “in my pants” to the end of them. Thus “I have kitties” becomes “I have kitties – in my pants.”
You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant “that looks infected” indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.
You: “That looks infected.”
Her: “What the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?”
You: Um, your nose.”
Her: “My nose is fine, you fucking creep.”
You: “Well, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.”
Her: “I only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.”
Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!
I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the “that looks infected” opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.
@tesformes – your reply reads as condescending. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention but it read that way to me.
Yeah, I’m just not seeing the point of the “now let me tell you why your belief is wrong” part, especially in spaces where the goal isn’t to get up each other’s noses.
::nods::
I’m sorry, I spent a lot of time wording it because I knew that it might come across as unintentionally condescending. It was meant as respectful disagreement. We can drop the subject if you like.
Actually that just made me realize that the constant jockeying for position via condescending arguments about why someone is wrong and also a pathetic worthless person because they’re wrong is the thing that I dislike about a lot of “skeptic” spaces. It’s one thing to talk to trolls like that, but an atmosphere in which people talk to everyone like that just feels needlessly hostile and isn’t much fun to hang out in.
And I’m not trying to get up anybody’s nose. I was actually curious, because I figured that the way Bina was using homeopathy was probably in some different paradigm than the old “Have headache, take aspirin” routine I’m used to.
The funny thing being that most of the time my personal beliefs are mostly in line with what the skeptics who’re being really snotty and condescending are arguing, but I still don’t enjoy watching them treat decent people that way.
(I’m talking general now, not this specific conversation. Thinking of FTB, but there are tons of other spaces with a similar dynamic, and Feministe can get like that too.)
@tesformes, there’s a history here that you’re probably not privy to — but it means people will give comments like yours the side-eye. Anyway, I appreciate your willingness to drop the subject.
For the record, I actually take tarot card readings seriously. My brother did one for me before I left my home for katz’s place, and the confidence I got from the reading (which basically boiled down to “You’re making the right decision and spirits are watching over and protecting you”) actually helped me gain the courage to leave.
tesformes – no worries from me, at any rate. Isn’t it a pain when we try to get a comment right and it still goes all wrong? Been there, done that.
cassandra – argh, yes, FTB really has that atmosphere. Feministe, too, though at least they’re not harping on the True Atheists vs the World theme.
RE: katz
OT: What should I make for dinner that’s vegan and takes no more than an hour?
Too late, I know, but for future reference, one of my common recipes is couscous with veg! Edamame, tomatoes (especially sun-dried, yum!), and a leafy green thing, all cooked in a pot with basil and sage. Takes like fifteen minutes total, and it’s DELICIOUS.
RE: cloudiah
They are STILL rage-wanking over Rebecca Watson?
If this ends up being the next “women were saved on the Titanic,” I quit the Internet.
RE: tesformes
What do you use homeopathy and tarot cards for?
I don’t use either, but my younger sibling uses tarot cards because zie uses them just as a mirror to access things zie already knows on an unconscious level. Nothing magical about it; zie just uses them to sort out thoughts that might not be on a verbal level of awareness. Zie generally only uses them for zerself, though.
I’m curious how you gauge whether or not the particular remedy or prediction has turned out as intended.
My sibling also doesn’t use tarot to read the future. Zie uses them to understand the present. So there’s no prediction coming true, just zer trying to find answers within zerself to quandries like, “How do I deal with death?”
I can’t remember the results of the few tarot card readings I’ve ever had, but I’ve been to one medium who said stuff she couldn’t have got from cold readings. How the heck would a cold reading produce the names of stepson and spouse and a physical description of them and what they were doing, descriptions that included character – people I hadn’t been thinking about and was astonished to hear were on the scene?
@cloudiah
Note taken, thanks for the heads up. Bina, I apologize for being condescending.
New subject, sorta related to the article, did anybody in here ever actually try pickup lines like this? I was a VERY awkward high schooler, and my few aborted attempts at asking girls to dance at parties usually involved a stupid line that I rehearsed in my head beforehand for HOURS. Something like, “Hey, I love this song, wanna go dance with me?” Nice and simple, right? No. When the time came, I would rush through it and it would come out weird, and I would lose nerve and walk away as fast as I could. College mellowed me out a whole lot, and I met my wife soon after I learned not to psych myself out over approaching someone,
Anybody else go through a pickup lines phase?
I’ve always thought that the results I get from tarot readings are interesting. They often have the pattern of telling me that I’m too hard on myself and that (when I’m using an archangel deck) Archangel Michael apparently is watching over me. I don’t believe this stuff too literally, but I like having a tiny amount of spiritual stuff in my life. Sometimes I feel it actually helps me on a personal level somehow.
Nah, not me. Not that pickup lines were being used by women/girls when I was a teenager, I would think – the 70s – but I’d sooner have gouged my eyes out than dated any boy I ever saw in my school days.
They’re spot-on in that respect!
@tesformes I empathize! I can come off as really condescending, and it’s usually when I’m trying really, really hard not to.
@LBT that’s basically what I decided tarot was good for too (and it can be really helpful for some people). The cards are kinda jumping off points for exploring your thoughts/feelings on a subject. I don’t use them anymore, but I enjoy the symbolism of them.
As for pickup lines, the very thought of approaching anyone – guy or girl – is absolutely dreadful and I have zero confidence in asking people out, so I have never dreamed of using them. If I ever dare to use a pickup line I’ll probably be kicking myself in the teeth right away.
It’s a phase? I still, at nearly 50, rehearse immanent social interactions, and subsequently blow them.
I’ve never used pickup lines per se, but back when I was an awkward teenager psyching myself up to call a guy (that I knew liked me, because I’d of course had friends ask his friends because I WAS FOURTEEN) and ask him to a dance, I wrote up a long list of possible conversation topics in case we exhausted the “ask him to the dance” portion of the call and then there was just silence.
He was a great date, but I found out recently that he re-embraced his Catholic roots and he and his wife have 8 kids so I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Glad to know I’m not the only one. LOL.
cloudiah – if we manage to do that brunch next month, we can just go SQUEEEEEEE when we meet and then giggle if we forget what to say afterwards. 😉
RE: tesformes
Anybody else go through a pickup lines phase?
I think my husband used them in a sort of cornball way during his barslut phase. Thing was, he KNEW they were corny, everyone knew they were corny, and it was more to laugh at the corniness of it all. Also, my husband has a remarkable gift of making even the sappiest line sound earnest. (He got me to date him by confessing his love for me.)
I, on the other hand, tend to be as awkward as possible and say shit like, “I WANT TO FUCKING MARRY YOU ASSHOLE.” (Yeah, that’s how I proposed. But it worked! He said yes!)
RE: trans_commie
I’ve always thought that the results I get from tarot readings are interesting.
I generally don’t do the stuff myself, but I always find it amusing that my sibling, who is an incredibly sweet, gentle, kind person, apparently gets really acerbic, strict shit out of zer card draws, to the point that zie has to try and soften it up when telling it to other people.
Every time zie’s done a drawing for me, the cards apparently are always like, “Sir, are you aware that terrible things have happened to you? Because they’ve totally happened to you. Why are you not dead yet?” This does not make me any bigger a fan.
RE: Tracy
The cards are kinda jumping off points for exploring your thoughts/feelings on a subject.
Exactly, and my younger sibling is kinda in a growing stage where zie’s starting to come to terms with a lot of heavy stuff. (Due to how our system works, zer development was stunted for a long time, because that was the only way zie could be kept psychologically safe.) I think the cards give zer a voice for that.
Of course, zie’s also studying protection magic and planning to set up an altar for dead system members, so you know. Zie’s turning into a tiny priesty.
@Ally
Really? Even “That looks infected”? Because that’s a good one. 🙂
“I have a kitty” would probably work on me, if I were single and was not already owned by 7 kitties.