Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.
I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY “Christian McQueen,” who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and “coaching” and whatnot.
But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.
And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.
Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:
“Excuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?”
BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!
Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?
Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:
The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that I’ll break down right now:
EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word ‘Starbucks’, they get happy.
I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.
I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.
There’s Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and you’re reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. It’s a Global Friendly Line.
Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!
‘Starbucks’ equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word ‘Starbucks’ come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.
Other “comfort” words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: “pillows,” “puppies,” “mashed potatoes,” and “some place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.”
When you mention ‘Starbucks’, you’re mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, you’re a part of the ‘club’, the fan club of Starbucks that it.
Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.
When you ask a girl where one is, she’ll automatically put you in the ‘normal human being’ category, because ‘normal’ people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.
Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.
You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like “right fucking here, you asshole,” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”
Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.
In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic “I have a kitty,” to more advanced versions like “I have two kitties” to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.
You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase “in my pants” to the end of them. Thus “I have kitties” becomes “I have kitties – in my pants.”
You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant “that looks infected” indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.
You: “That looks infected.”
Her: “What the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?”
You: Um, your nose.”
Her: “My nose is fine, you fucking creep.”
You: “Well, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.”
Her: “I only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.”
Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!
I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the “that looks infected” opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.
Re: The semi-colon campaign. If it helps someone cope, I’m all for it.
Perfect. They’re not interested in honest engagement, so forcing them to quit babbling and listen is the closest thing to a foolproof can of PUA-Away Spray that there could possibly be!
Elevatorgate + the time I attended an atheist meetup in my city and it was awkward with people who weren’t particularly friendly have scared me away from the skeptic community before I could even enter it.
It’s too bad. The only thing I feel I miss out on by not being involved with religion is the sense of community people get from going to their places of worship. I’m not interested in a “community” that’s as hostile to women as a fundamentalist evangelical church though.
HAHA! OK, I’m actually putting this under the right comments section now! Wuhu!!! 😀
99% of women love starbucks… hmmmmm. It seems to me like I’m always meeting men who love starbucks and women who can’t stand it for a variety of reasons (yes, that is anecdotal, I know, but my experience is worth something to me at least). I think their coffee tastes burned, and generally would prefer gas station coffee over it (but hey – I grew up with geologists and traveling and camping in areas with few services outside of the local gas station is a big part of that profession!) If they want to get me a real treat, they can watch me go to one of our tasty local coffee shops and get myself a cup of tea (BY MYSELF, hehehe!)
And gives Dawkins and his fanboys a whack with a clue-by-four while they’re at it.
Sometimes the whole “sceptic movement” comes across like it’s just about dudebros who think laughing at “woo” and reinforcing the status quo = True Rational Scepticism.
::hurl::
And that’s why my goddess-worshippin’, pagan, witchcraftin’, herbal-medicine-using, occasionally homeopathic ass wants nothing to do with them. They seem to have me confused for one of those tinfoil hatters who believe that chemtrails and illuminati are real, and that vaccines don’t work. Uh-uh…I know what works and what doesn’t. Just because these guys have no talent for tarot reading doesn’t make me “woo”. Assholism can kiss mine.
::high fives Bina::
Preach it, sister!
(Of course the Illuminati don’t real. We know it’s the Furrinati we have to worry about, and the only chemtrails hitting me are the ones Fribbie leaves after she’s visited the kitty litter.)
First off, in various parts of Australia-particularly Australia asking for Starbucks will get you attention, but not necessarily the type you want:
PUA: “Excuse me, could you point me to the nearest starbucks?”
Woman: “Starbucks? Starbucks? How about I just point out a muddy puddle for you, and drink that? Save you money in the long run. Or, instead, I could take you to Tiamo 2, or Brunetti’s, something with an Italian name and make you stay there until you realise what coffee is meant to taste like!”
Seriously, in Melbourne Starbucks doesn’t have the “Aspiring artist” reputation it has overseas. It’s there for tourists, students, and international students.
Also, though, the PUA advise guide usually starts with one sentence, which the eager adherents follow devotedly, before they realise they don’t have a second sentence. This is how the adherents want it to work:
PUA: “Do you know where the nearest starbucks is?”
Woman: “Yes yes yes! I know hwere the nearest Starbucks is! Take me there and ravish me now!”
But in reality:
PUA: “Do you know where the nearest starbucks is?”
Woman: “Yes, it’s three blocks down, on your left”
PUA: “Okay……..”
Woman: “………..”
PUA: “……..I like your boobs”
I remember the little mouse game that I saw a lot of PUA doing online (“Hello little mouse, let’s play a little game. I’ll say something, and you say like or not like”) because a PUA said it was guaranteed to work….but then became super annoyed when most people reacted with “Why the hell you calling me a mouse for?”
@cloudiah dibs on being Pip. I have appropriately hobbitish feet and goofy ears.
JM – TRUTH! I don’t know how many Starbucks are even left in Melbourne. There’s one in Fed Square, and what godawful overpriced shite they serve. (I tried it once when I was in a hurry to get a tram; never again.)
Come to think of it, Starbucks is appropriate to PUA morons. They didn’t just try to push their way into a completely different non-USian market – they tried their luck in Lygon Street. I mean, Lygon Street, ferfuckssake! That’s just like the idiocy of PUAs trying to push their shit at women and getting laughed at, or just ignored, or outright scorned.
(Note for non-Melburnians: Lygon St is in Carlton, a suburb where most of our Italian immigrants lived in past decades. There are more Italian restaurants and cafes in that short strip than you can poke a stick at.)
Oh my lack of god I hate that smug version of skepticism. At its heart skepticism says ‘anyone can get things wrong so be careful what you believe’ and somehow these idiots manage to get from there to ‘I am a member of Clan Skeptic, I can never be wrong.’
Speaking of s(c)eptic dudebros and PUAs, I could have wished for a clairvoyant PUA* wannabe to be passing in the park this morning. I was being such a slutty mcslutster with Mr K and it would have exploded his tiny little brain.
* I know, I know, even if you believe in clairvoyance, it’s hard to imagine one of these losers having it.
@Bina
Hey, I hesitate to bring up a potentially touchy subject, Bina, but what exactly do you mean when you say that tarot cards and homeopathy “work?” I mean, there really isn’t any evidence for homeopathy beyond the placebo effect, and as far as I’ve read tarot cards are more about cold reading than actual divination, the skeptics aren’t wrong about that even if they can be jerks about expressing it. What do you use homeopathy and tarot cards for?
Sir Bodsworth – very timely: look at this new piece on Pharyngula. The entry PZ Myers quotes says it all.
http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2014/03/31/when-will-this-situation-improve/
@ Kittehserf – Ugh yes. The whole Radford/Stolznow just gets to me in particular, because I loved the podcast they were both on. In fact I even took the topic for my honours thesis from one of the episodes. I was so glad when the main host of the show backed Stolznow up and dropped Radford; I don’t think I could still listen to it otherwise.
It makes me glad I’m not involved in these communities (or any others where this sort of crap is always happening). Bad enough being disgusted and scornful from the outside, not knowing who any of these people are; much worse if it was someone you’d admired or respected who turns out to be a predator, or one of the misogynists who supports him. As for being a woman involved with groups like this … what a horrible thought.
I remember the little mouse game that I saw a lot of PUA doing online (“Hello little mouse, let’s play a little game. I’ll say something, and you say like or not like”) because a PUA said it was guaranteed to work….but then became super annoyed when most people reacted with “Why the hell you calling me a mouse for?”
Little…mouse? Oh, vomit.
PUA sample scripts always involve women overcome with giggly, wiggly joy at being treated like unusually slow preschoolers, which says so very much about a) what these guys are looking for in a sex partner and b) why they can’t find one.
So the skeptics all say…it’s a standard argument of theirs. Without even really having researched it, though, what do they KNOW? They said it, they believe it, that settles it. Quick, easy dismissal, with no serious inquiry involved, because actual, serious inquiry is “woo” and requires taking the subject seriously. How is this line of argumentation any better than religious fundamentalism? I am a skeptic of the “skeptics”…or skepDICKS, rather. They’re not really researching these fields, only claiming to debunk whatever doesn’t fit their tidy, mechanistic view of the Universe. Bah, humbug.
As for what homeopathy and Tarot are for, well…read the labels if you really want to know. Or read something about them that wasn’t written by a “hurr hurr, I debunkz teh woo” dick. I don’t have the time/energy for a lengthy explanation, unfortunately, or I’d go into more detail here. (And, truthfully, I’m in no mood for an argument, either.)
I’ve been doing this for more than a quarter of a century. If it didn’t actually work, I’d stop doing it. But apparently my personal, experiential research in the field is “woo”, so what would I know?
skepdicks
::has childish giggle fit::
“What’s in your bags?”
“Industrial strength misandry and a can of Creep-Be-Gone, why do you ask?”
Sorry for bringing up a sore subject. The reason I asked why you personally used homeopathy and tarot cards is because I’m curious how you gauge whether or not the particular remedy or prediction has turned out as intended.
The research into homeopathy has been done and there is ample evidence that the massive dilutions used in homeopathic products are functionally identical to ordinary tap water. However, If it works for you, I’m happy you get relief from whatever is ailing you; I suppose life is too short to care whether your relief comes from a placebo or pharmacologically active ingredients. For most people, homeopathy doesn’t help at all, because water does not actually have a memory.
That being said, you certainly don’t deserve derision and scorn for believing in something like homeopathy, and the people who mock you aren’t really interested in trying to get you on their side. They’re trying to feel superior, which is the goal of a significant portion of the “skeptic” movement, to feel superior to silly people who don’t have the wonderful science educations they get from YouTube and Wikipedia. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I think homeopathy and tarot cards work, because I absolutely believe that they do not, but you’re not stupid for believing in them, I believe you are merely misguided. We’ve all got blind spots, me too.
Also, don’t be so down on materialism, the “materialistic” view of the universe is the only one we can really share as a species, and the only one we can derive knowledge from that applies to everyone. Every human lives in the solitude of their own cranium, and striving for objective, observable knowledge of things is the only way we can really confirm that we’re all in this same universe together. Your experience with homeopathy is your own, and I won’t tell you that 25 years of observations don’t apply to you. The stuff we learn using science, however, is far more profound than people give it credit for. It turns out that when some of the big questions get answered, the questions stop looking so big after a while, and we forget that we once didn’t know if arteries carried blood or air, or where lightning came from or why the sun rose in the morning. Being able to answer those questions in exquisite detail is pretty damn magical.
I didn’t know about Starbucks being scum to their employees — although, given the size of the corporation, it’s pretty much a given. I’ve weaned myself off of needing cream in my coffee, so I’ll be able to avoid them in future travel.
@Bina: I’m with you about the anti-woo brigade. For people who almost fetishize science, they have a very unscientific attitude.
You realize that “derision and scorn” is, in a very polite way, exactly what your first paragraph reads as? I feel like the best way to approach subjects like this where we already know we’re not going to agree may be to just avoid them.
(I’d take a different approach if the thing we don’t agree on was potentially harmful to the person who believes in it, but homeopathy isn’t going to kill anyone.)
@Bina – lol skepDICKS, and there are a lot of them. But without getting involved in this too deeply, I’ll just offer that I consider myself a skeptic, and I was a tarot reader for years (professionally for a few of those years, reading for paying clients). We aren’t all complete assholes, but the non-assy ones tend to be drowned out by the assy. 🙂
Yeah, what cassandra said. “Materialistic” has a whole lot of implications when referring to skepdicks; it’s not just the importance of physical discoveries, knowledge (sciency stuff in general!) it’s the obnoxious this-is-all-and-anyone-who-thinks-otherwise-is-a-fool attitude that goes with it. So, not cool.
But this is getting close to That Conversation (we should have a definition of That Conversation in the welcome package or the glossary) and since it drives quite a few manboobzers to tearing their hair out, I’m leaving it at that.