Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.
I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY “Christian McQueen,” who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and “coaching” and whatnot.
But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.
And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.
Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:
“Excuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?”
BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!
Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?
Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:
The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that I’ll break down right now:
EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word ‘Starbucks’, they get happy.
I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.
I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.
There’s Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and you’re reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. It’s a Global Friendly Line.
Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!
‘Starbucks’ equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word ‘Starbucks’ come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.
Other “comfort” words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: “pillows,” “puppies,” “mashed potatoes,” and “some place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.”
When you mention ‘Starbucks’, you’re mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, you’re a part of the ‘club’, the fan club of Starbucks that it.
Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.
When you ask a girl where one is, she’ll automatically put you in the ‘normal human being’ category, because ‘normal’ people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.
Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.
You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like “right fucking here, you asshole,” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”
Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.
In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic “I have a kitty,” to more advanced versions like “I have two kitties” to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.
You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase “in my pants” to the end of them. Thus “I have kitties” becomes “I have kitties – in my pants.”
You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant “that looks infected” indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.
You: “That looks infected.”
Her: “What the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?”
You: Um, your nose.”
Her: “My nose is fine, you fucking creep.”
You: “Well, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.”
Her: “I only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.”
Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!
I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the “that looks infected” opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.
I am now craving pasta with a really nice, simple tomato sauce. Mm.
Anybody else eating lunch right now? I have a peanut soup that I wish I could share with any of you who would/could try it. It’s so good.
This sauce is super easy.
1 can of peeled Roma or San Marzano tomatoes (I like the Rienzi brand), I usually put them in a bowl and crush them further by hand.
1 entire head of garlic, peel ’em and slice thin vertically (you can use as much or as little garlic as you want).
Saute garlic in a couple tablespoons of olive oil until golden, add tomatoes and whatever spices you like, and cook down for one hour.
If you want, add some sugar and red wine or red wine vinegar (white’ll work in a pinch). All depends on what you think it needs to balance the flavor. It might not need a thing.
Ohm chili flakes if you have them and want to add them are a great addition.
I’d prefer Morrowind myself, and in fact only one line from it:
“I’m sorry about your hair–”
“Outlander.”
I’ve seen a good bumper sticker – “friends don’t let friends go to Starbucks”. Available at fine local coffee shops. Also, I’m in California, and Dunkin Donuts is not a thing out here. Must be like Joe Franklin (the weird TV host); if you’ve known it all your life, it’s hard to remember how foreign it is to someone else. My first visit to New York City, it baffled me that none of the French bread was sourdough.
More and more, these PUAs make me think of sovereign citizens – convinced that there are Sekrit Wizdums that will unlock reality and give them goodies. At least ceremonial magicians realize that it takes effort.
Omigod, I’ve never gotten that one. Ha!
“I used to go to Starbucks, like you. Then I took a arrow to the knee”
“I am Error of Ruto”
That elicited an audible “bffffff!” from over here.
@ Falconer
You have to do a Shout in a city near a guard a few times without hitting anyone. It’s hilarious. They run over like you stole something and deliver that line. I love it.
Falconer, if you shout in any of the Holds, the guards will approach you and ask you to stop. You might also get a letter from someone random telling you to cut it out. If I were in that situation, I’d be all like:
Yay, I’m figuring out block quotes!
FROST BREATH. The Ultimate FREEZEPEACH!!!!
http://www.theangryluddite.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/skyrim8.jpg
When did skeptics organize, and why wasn’t I invited?
Also, when did the Socratic method turn into some ridiculous meld of ‘I demand this information, now!’ and ‘Everyone lies but my anonymous friends who I don’t actually know?’
I’m skeptical of their skeptical-ness.
I’m skeptical too. Apparently, the behavior of feminists in this incident makes them “logically” doubtful of any and all rape claims, but the skeptics who sent death threats to Watson don’t reflect on anybody, not even the people who enable them.
They are STILL rage-wanking over Rebecca Watson?
Oh and this:
Reminds me so much of this classic bit of Manboobzer artistry (Not-entirely-SFW):
http://artistryforfeminismandkittens.wordpress.com/2013/02/23/standard-vaginal-access/
BTW, this comment thread is also being mined for artistry, though I admit that as someone who isn’t really a gamer I am probably missing out on some really hilarious jokes. XD
Sn0rkmaiden:
Love it! 😀
Wetherby:
We do this at work. The minute you get a “May I speak to the owner or manager” call you know they’re selling stuff. Favourite answer is “The owner is a non-executive member of the business.” Or if I’m in a stroppy mood I’ll just say “No” very sweetly and hang up.
ViscariALPHA wins the thread. Of course. How could a game gamester gamer alpha not win the thread?
NOVICE PUA; excuse me–can you tell me where is the nearest Starbucks?
ME: yes, but I should warn you I’m 50, wear glasses–as you can see-own a couple of kittens, and am 18.3 pounds over my ideal weight. On the other hand, I also own a dog, and 30 years ago I gave birth to a fine white son. So that makes my net Sexual Marketplace Value–let’s see–[scribbling on scrap paper]a negative 9.5. You sure you want to go on with this?
NOVICE PUA: I guess not. Um–can you tell me where the Sexual Marketplace is?
ME: sure, it’s down there at the end of the block. Right beside the Starbucks.
@cloudiah
Actually, this comment thread was about Karen Stallznow’s legal fund. She’s being sued for writing about a years-long pattern of sexual harassment she says she suffered at the hands of a male colleague. The immediate reaction from /r/skeptic was to lump her and Rebecca Watson together as liars trying to make money off of false harassment claims. With some “PZ Myers is a despicable animal” sprinkled on top because hey, we can’t have men criticizing other men for being sexist, can we? Now, I obviously don’t know with hard evidence if she is telling the truth, but nobody has any reason to label her a liar, either, and considering that the male colleague in question (who she did not name in the article she wrote) was recently fired for sexual harassment, I’m inclined to believe her.
@fromafar, tesformes: Oh. I tend not to go around causing havoc in cities. A friend of mine got angry playing Daggerfall because a bug was preventing him from turning in a quest, so he went outside and fireballed the plaza, and got a dozen city guards to the face. It was hilarious, but instructive.
It’s a wonder I even go into the cities, given that I was playing Daggerfall and I wanted to rob someplace in the city of Daggerfall, so I loitered until after dark. When the loitering screen vanished, the first thing that happened was my computer screamed VENGEANCE!! at me because I had attracted the attentions of the vengeful ghost that is the reason people don’t go outside after dark in Daggerfall City in the first place, because the ghost pops up behind them and screams VENGEANCE!! at them, then tries to kill them. Made me jump in my seat.
Basically, to understand Elevatorgate, you have to understand that it was the equivalent of Luther nailing his theses to the door. The event itself was minor, but the result was a schism in the religion/movement that everyone will be talking about forever. When someone writes a history of the atheist movement, Elevatorgate and its aftermath will take up several chapters.
TW for suicide/self-harm (though it’s actually a campaign against it):
Just curious if people had heard about this campaign, and what you all think? This is the tumblr version.
@cloudiah: People will continue to bang on about Elevatorgate until someone takes the Dear Muslima letter and throws it into the fires of Mt. YouTube.
@Falconer, Let that be our quest. I’ll be Sam.
Okay, but I don’t look pretty when I’m half-dead. I tend to get all snotty, and whine.