Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.
I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY āChristian McQueen,ā who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and ācoachingā and whatnot.
But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.
And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.
Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:
āExcuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?ā
BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!
Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?
Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:
The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that Iāll break down right now:
EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word āStarbucksā, they get happy.
I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.
I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.
Thereās Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and youāre reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. Itās a Global Friendly Line.
Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!
āStarbucksā equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word āStarbucksā come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.
Other ācomfortā words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: āpillows,ā āpuppies,ā āmashed potatoes,ā and āsome place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.ā
When you mention āStarbucksā, youāre mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, youāre a part of the āclubā, the fan club of Starbucks that it.
Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.
When you ask a girl where one is, sheāll automatically put you in the ānormal human beingā category, because ānormalā people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.
Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.
You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like āright fucking here, you asshole,ā and āwhat the hell is wrong with you?ā
Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.
In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic āI have a kitty,ā to more advanced versions like āI have two kittiesā to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.
You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase āin my pantsā to the end of them. Thus āI have kittiesā becomes āI have kitties ā in my pants.ā
You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant āthat looks infectedā indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.
You: āThat looks infected.ā
Her: āWhat the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?ā
You: Um, your nose.ā
Her: āMy nose is fine, you fucking creep.ā
You: āWell, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.ā
Her: āI only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.ā
Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!
I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the āthat looks infectedā opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.
@ Sn0rkmaiden – oddly the sick pay policy was not nearly so well publicised as Starbucks’ decision to do a tiny fraction of the right thing, though they clearly coincided.
http://www.theguardian.com/business/2012/dec/03/starbucks-slash-lunch-breaks
Yes, cos nothing says sophisticated coffee-imbibing and flirting time like some poor zero-hours contract serf sneezing into your latte.
This strategy wouldn’t work for me because I try to avoid Starbucks. The coffee is burnt-tasting and over-priced, and the employees used to be cool but now they’re all corporate stooge sell-outs. And all of the tables are monopolized by people who sit down and plug in their laptops the minute the store opens and stay planted there until closing time.
If I bring up Google Maps on my smartphone I can usually get directions to an independent coffee shop that’s not terribly far away.
What I’m getting from this is that (if I weren’t already married) I’d have to spend the rest of my life alone just because I want to support local businesses. It’s misandry is what it is.
Titianblue:
Worse then that, he’s ‘big city USA centric’. In my state, only a few towns’d maybe, possibly, have a Starbucks.
I’d love to see him try this line in Savoonga or Barrow.
These chat up lines will not work here in Israel. There is no Starbucks here since it is a hot country and people want to drink sodas not coffee. Also, doctors are paid very little here so its not a good approach.
And that might actually be a good opening line, because then she can tell you what her favorite coffee joint is and what she likes about it, you know, an Actual Conversation, rather than having to awkwardly draw out asking for directions as long as you can.
Why does there have to be a ‘pick up’ line at all? Why aren’t normal people meeting other people normally….this is so scary. I once sat down with heavy bags (not in my own country) to catch my breath and some guy from a nearby apartment calls out “what’s in your bags?” I wanted to smack his silly face but for once in my life, for once, I got some sharp retort out without thinking about it retrospectively for weeks, and said “None of your business”. Frankly it is scary to be a foreign woman in Europe or America more than in Asia.
But David, you make me laugh a lot and you also make me terrified of some of the fellows out there. I just can’t understand people who hate so much. What sense would it make to hate men, if the roles were reversed, for wanting equality, freedom and fair chances.
I feel like I could give better PUA advice than this.
Hey, you! Yeah, you, you stud. Want to interact with women? It’s simple! Just say words at them(tm)!
Women love words, especially arranged into sentences. In fact, I guarantee that once you have perfected my patented “Say Words at Women” technique, women will start saying words back at you! “But wait, ViscariALPHA,” I hear you thinking, “I don’t care what women have to say, I just want to do sex in their general direction.” Haha, of course you do. The trick is to listen to the words they say back just carefully enough that you can say new words at them that seem related to the words they say in some way. Women find this irresistible. If you keep up this pattern long enough, and try some of my other patented techniques, that woman will let you have sex at her!
To learn more about this and other patented secrets of the ViscariALPHA method, such as “Make Facial Expressions at Women” and “Be in the Same Room as Women at Women,” sign up for one of my seminars.
Because there is no way an alpha hangs around woman-y places where women are doing woman-y things. No alpha makes friends with women. Nope, it’s all about going in the shortest possible time from seeing the woman to getting the sex. /snark
Off topic, but I thought you guys might wanna facepalm with me at this conversation on Elevatorgate I recently was a part of. So much STEMlord bullshit, I thought it was a cliche but fuck, its real. Apparently, sexually propositioning someone in an elevator is perfectly appropriate, and in fact common.
http://www.reddit.com/r/skeptic/comments/21j44u/you_should_probably_know_about_this_whether_you/cgduzv1
What I find really gross about all this is how it treats women as just these weird Pavlovian robots who respond the exact same way to the exact same input every time. It’s like they don’t even realize there’s a human there, just a vat of chemicals and electrical signals that responds in certain ways.
Do they even realize how creepy that is?
RE: tesformes
Ugh, is that shit STILL going on? It was YEARS ago. It wasn’t that big a deal until the assholes got their boxers in a bunch. Jesus, why won’t they MOVE ON.
@viscaria-
“Say words at women”! I hooted with laughter so loud I woke up the baby.
Also, Jesus, do these people even have to be told that asking a woman where a decent independent coffee company is would be a vastly better opening line, because it means she’ll actually have a chance of participating in the ensuing conversation?
Also, this idiot must not hit on very interesting women- most of my friends and exes *despised* Starbucks.
Here’s a lovely line he sent me, pretty much convinced me to stop the debate as it is useelss trying to convince someone who thinks like this:
And yeah, LBT, its still fucking going on, Apparently, Rebecca Watson is a terrible person and PZ Myers is even worse. I’m so fucking done with the “skeptic” community, they literally do nothing but circlejerk over how dumb homeopathy and psychics are, but their opinions on gender issues are all perfectly logical. They literally do NOTHING that the actual scientific community isn’t doing better and is better equipped to accomplish. So. Fucking. Done.
I’m a man, by the way. Funny how anyone who calls him out on his bullshit is a woman.
As in one of the people who deals with sexual harassment claims? *shudder*
There was a thing on Tumblr a while ago, which I now sadly can’t find, but the basic idea was that women should all start responding to pick-up attempts with random NPC dialogue from their favourite videogames.
So with this situation and, say, Skyrim…
“Hey, where’s the nearest Starb…?”
“Let me guess, someone stole your sweet roll?”
“Huh?”
“Got to keep my eyes open, damned dragons could swoop down at any time…”
“I…”
“Favour the bow, eh? I’m a sword man myself.”
“I was wondering if…”
“NO LOLLYGAGGING!”
@Auggz
To be fair, its usually a factually incorrect interpretation of evolution that causes those things. Natural selection and genetic mutation are not inherently harmful ideas. Social Darwinism and scientific racism and stuff like that comes from the idea that evolution is a progressive force, constantly “improving” life, rather than an undirected one. But yeah, they seem to think that not being a creationist and not going to psychic readings means that you’re right about absolutely everything and that your opinions hold the weight of logic. I know that most skeptics are probably not like that, and I know that almost all of the major skeptic organizations condemned what happened to Rebecca Watson, both the harassment and the flood of more harassment, but these fuckers and their disgusting attitudes are tolerated by the rest of the community, I guess because when you’re more concerned about getting homeopathic Oscillococcinum off the shelves, sexual harassment of women no longer matters as much.
@Artic Ape:
Starbucks did some rather desperate advertising seeing as Finland is the highest coffee-consuming per capita country in the world. They even gave out free coffee occasionally by the city centre train station. They’re trying to get a leg in, but when you have people consuming an average of 5 cups of coffee a day they don’t want to pay Starbucks prices. But Finns sure like to take free stuff so Starbucks keeps hoping.
However, I believe as a Nordic country with those pesky high scores in equality and rights for women, most PUAs tend to skip it.
@ tinyorc
I’ve see that! I can’t remember where either! š
I love it!
“I’d be a lot warmer and a lot happier with a bellyful of mead…”
“Brigands I can handle, but this talk of dragons? World’s gone mad, I say.”
“I need to ask you to stop. That… shouting… is making people nervous.”
RE: tesformes
And yeah, LBT, its still fucking going on
How I wish I were surprised. Hell hath no fury like a manchild scorned, eesh.
And yeah, as someone who does mental health education and such, choosing my battles is really important to me. It’s like, I COULD waste a lot of air and sanity points arguing with this telephone pole… or I could use all that and make another comic for the folks who really really need it. Or write a story about bears, which is what I just did for my writeathon.
Oh my god, I’ve got it: Just say “Hey! Listen!” until he goes away.
Katz, that’s just CRUEL.
There’s also the old trick us and a friend used to play with each other. Upon greeting each other, we would smile and wave, and then continually up the intensity of both actions until we were windmilling our arms and grinning like axe-murderers at each other.
OT: What should I make for dinner that’s vegan and takes no more than an hour?
Penne pasta with homemade tomato sauce? My recipe for sauce only takes an hour, if you’re interested.
Sure, lay it on me. I have yet to master good tomato sauce.