Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.
I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY “Christian McQueen,” who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and “coaching” and whatnot.
But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.
And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.
Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:
“Excuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?”
BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!
Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?
Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:
The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that I’ll break down right now:
EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word ‘Starbucks’, they get happy.
I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.
I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.
There’s Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and you’re reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. It’s a Global Friendly Line.
Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!
‘Starbucks’ equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word ‘Starbucks’ come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.
Other “comfort” words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: “pillows,” “puppies,” “mashed potatoes,” and “some place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.”
When you mention ‘Starbucks’, you’re mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, you’re a part of the ‘club’, the fan club of Starbucks that it.
Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.
When you ask a girl where one is, she’ll automatically put you in the ‘normal human being’ category, because ‘normal’ people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.
Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.
You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like “right fucking here, you asshole,” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”
Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.
In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic “I have a kitty,” to more advanced versions like “I have two kitties” to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.
You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase “in my pants” to the end of them. Thus “I have kitties” becomes “I have kitties – in my pants.”
You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant “that looks infected” indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.
You: “That looks infected.”
Her: “What the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?”
You: Um, your nose.”
Her: “My nose is fine, you fucking creep.”
You: “Well, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.”
Her: “I only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.”
Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!
I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the “that looks infected” opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.
In Budapest… or possibly Romania.
There’s also an entitlement factor here… They think that women are obliged to give them directions/their time. It doesn’t even cross their minds that the women might just say “I don’t know–” (even if they did) to get away and go about their business.
“Where’s the nearest Starbucks?”
“Wherever I’m not.”
Wow, Mr McQueen, how USA city-centric are you?
Welcome to rural England. Nearest Starbucks is 15 miles away in the city. No small towns/villages contain a Starbucks.
And when you get to that city with the Starbucks – people will direct you via landmarks. Because as an obvious stranger (else why would you be asking directions), you aren’t going to know the street names. And because it’s a medieval city with strangely winding streets and alleyways that change name randomly as they meander around the buildings.
Also, pro-tip: the USA chains aren’t quite as popular in other countries as you seem to think. Google “UK, tax, Starbucks”.
Stop trying to pretend to be a normal human and try, you know, actually being one.
Oh, goodie. I hope someone tries this in Finland. Because the nearest Starbucks is in the airport, so directions would be ‘Go to the airport.’ Finns love their coffee, but they don’t like paying lots of money to make that coffee all fancy when they can get their fix at McDonald’s. It would have worked even better 5 years ago when the nearest Starbucks was in Russia. Just get on the train in the centre and do svidaniya! Have fun trying that game on the border customs officials!
Lasagna is comfort food. Congee is comfort food. Fried noodles are comfort food. Oddly bland little pastries and cold refrigerated sandwiches are not comfort food.
At this point I’m pretty much convinced that these dudes are evil robots who’ve had their memories wiped. Somewhere there’s a really freaked out child pointing at them and saying “I see fake people. They don’t know they’re fake.” Unfortunately for them, everyone else does.
I know where Starbucks is, but its doubtful I’ll give directions. I just point. You’ll find it.
Him: I don’t know where Starbucks is.
Her: Oh, I can direct–
Him: No! Men never ask for directions! Would you make liars of all those standup comedians?
Her: Then how can I…
Him: Men read maps!
Her: Well I have this street directory but Starbucks won’t be marked.
Him: Here. Use my pen. Yeah, just mark it with a circle, that’s fine.
Her: Give that back! I paid good money for that directory!
Him: Well I paid good money for that pen.
Her: Fine then!
Him: Fine!
Her: FINE!
(She stalks off)
Him: I’m going to get SO much sex!
David your post made me very happy! Thank you!
And then – reflection.
I’m in the UK and am one of the many people here who will never buy anything from Starbucks ever again because a) they evaded taxes on an industrial scale and b) when called on it, agreed to pay *some* of the taxes they should have, but cut sick leave for their employees as a nasty little quid pro quo.
Oh, plus their coffee has always been overpriced tasteless rubbish… but that’s just a BTW.
So dude looking for a Starbucks obviously doesn’t care about the tax evasion and has no problem imbibing quasi-coffee and sugary snacks prepared by someone with flu symptoms. Meaning the inspired line “that looks infected” could be said by the target to the PUA rather than the other way round.
Plus, does this guy not have a smart phone?
It’s not difficult: go to Google Earth and put in whatever you’re looking for!
I’m surprized McQueen is still maintaining a public profile after he was doxxed a few weeks ago. That whole Vegas playboy lifestyle he claims to lead is a load of rubbish dreamed up to fool gullible men into thinking he knows what he’s talking about, so he can con them out of their money.
I suppose asking for directions does make a nice change from wearing silly hats and insulting people.
What sort of lifestyle does he really lead?
@Bluecat
Eww, I did not know that Starbucks took away sick pay from their UK staff. Now I have two extra reasons never to go in there. I’ve had a couple of jobs where there was no sick leave, which was bad enough, but at least those jobs didn’t involve food preparation.
@Kim.
Well, assuming the info I saw about him is correct, he works in HR and lives in New York. And he’s not bad looking in the photos. Not the sort of person those wannabe PUAs would readily identify with, unlike Roosh who wears his embittered hairy outsider credentials like a badge of honour.
(No offence to embittered or hairy people, or outsiders intended)
David:
Hey, an exactly similar incident happened to me. Only, I was coming home from work (yeah, scientist) and the guy asked me directions to the local Grocery store. Mind you, no grocery store in this country would be open at that hour, so obviously he wanted to purchase some illegal substances (or possibly a tiger) at the parking lot. We were exactly where the store should have been by street address, but the store entrance (and parking lot) face to the other way, to a much more crowded street. You can see how a first-time shopper could be confused.
Reading “advice” like this reminds me of getting random calls from salespeople who are so obviously reading from a script that it’s like talking to a machine.
In fact, if I’m bored, I sometimes try to get them to deviate from it just to see what happens, and in quite a few cases I get distinct “does not compute” vibes emanating down the phone.
And I’m very happy to endorse all the negative UK reactions to Starbucks above – I haven’t set foot in one in years, and have no intention of revisiting it any time soon. You’d honestly be far better off with an opening line like “is there anywhere round here that serves decent coffee?”.
Zippydoo:
Or more likely “I dunno” or “There’s Starbucks in Finland?” or “What’s Starbucks?”.
I get the impression McQueen has done a brilliant marketing deal with Starbucks. He told them he can make thousands of smooth-talking men go around, pretending to be Starbucks fans at random women. Then they would more often than not take some woman to coffee at Starbucks. The women would become permanently more brand-conscious about Starbucks.
And they believed him.
Either that or he’s done a brilliant deal with Costa – enuring that thousands of women will associate Starbucks with men creeping on them and will never willing go there again …
They’ve definitely got a malware problem.
The pernicious thing about scripts, and what makes them such a staple for grifters, is that they’re tightly controlled and predictable. It’s pure fantasy, so every interaction goes down a pre-ordained path where the man is always in control and every encounter is successful. If it doesn’t work in the real world, it’s because you weren’t confident enough, or didn’t have your fedora tilted at a rakish enough angle.
This means PUA “gurus” are free to write reams of horrible Gary Stu street-harassment drivel and pass it off as PURE GOLD.
He: Excuse me, where can I engage in the normative and popular activity known as “coffee drinking”?
She: Your knowledge of global brand identities gives me a feeling of warmth and safety. Access granted.
Escalate to the Sex Location, pursued by a bear
It’s insulting as heck to both men and women.
titianblue:
No no no. You don’t understand because you don’t have MAD GAME. EVERY girl in the WORLD (or like 99.9% of them, just so we’re not overstating anything) LOVES Starbucks. Girls also rarely have ambitions, interests or general day-to-day responsibilities that don’t involve standing around in the street (don’t ask me which one, I’m just a girl!) twirling their hair and waiting to have a ditzy giggle with a totally normal dude who makes them feel safe and comfortable by dropping global brand names.
I imagine most of the PUAs who would actually take this advice have some version of smart phone or another. Now I kinda wish someone would try this on me so I could point to the iPhone on their belt clip and say “Siri: Navigate to the nearest Starbucks!” and walk away.
Alas, I am insufficiently feminine and therefore do not stand around on sidewalks waiting for men to talk to me. 🙁
David, you were really killing it when you wrote this! You must be feeling better. “That looks infected” is probably the best pickup line ever.
HR, you say? By the sounds of his bullshit, I’d have sworn he was in advertising. They just looooove them some stupid generalizations and canned catchphrases. And they seriously do believe that people can be programmed into brand-loyal robots, like the hypothetical Everygirl in his silly scenario. (Little does he realize that many of us don’t even LIKE coffee, and couldn’t be arsed to pay $5 for a movie-theatre-popcorn-sized tub of road-rage fuel.)
But about this doxxing…where did it happen? I wanna know all the poopy. Because I looooves me some Schadenfreude.
I’m not sure my big furry gay friends would appreciate this game.
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/3050660352/h7EF57A11/
@Buttercup Skullpants: That’s a great name by the way!
I know I’m a little late to reply, but that answer is highlarious. I was going to make the same joke.The whole thing seems like instructions for extraterrestrial beings.