Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.
I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY “Christian McQueen,” who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and “coaching” and whatnot.
But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.
And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.
Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:
“Excuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?”
BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!
Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?
Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:
The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that I’ll break down right now:
EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word ‘Starbucks’, they get happy.
I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.
I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.
There’s Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and you’re reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. It’s a Global Friendly Line.
Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!
‘Starbucks’ equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word ‘Starbucks’ come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.
Other “comfort” words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: “pillows,” “puppies,” “mashed potatoes,” and “some place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.”
When you mention ‘Starbucks’, you’re mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, you’re a part of the ‘club’, the fan club of Starbucks that it.
Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.
When you ask a girl where one is, she’ll automatically put you in the ‘normal human being’ category, because ‘normal’ people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.
Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.
You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like “right fucking here, you asshole,” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”
Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.
In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic “I have a kitty,” to more advanced versions like “I have two kitties” to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.
You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase “in my pants” to the end of them. Thus “I have kitties” becomes “I have kitties – in my pants.”
You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant “that looks infected” indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.
You: “That looks infected.”
Her: “What the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?”
You: Um, your nose.”
Her: “My nose is fine, you fucking creep.”
You: “Well, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.”
Her: “I only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.”
Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!
I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the “that looks infected” opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.
I’m actually pretty impressed that there is PUA advice that doesn’t sound like it’s either encouraging date rape or helping date rapists develop advice. Asking someone where the nearest Starbucks is kind of silly, but at least it doesn’t involve intrusively stepping over someone else’s boundaries or forcing them to feel uncomfortable or afraid.
(As you can tell, my standards for these people are pretty low).
I thought women only liked Bad Boys and being “safe” was a total turn-off. It’s almost like their worldview is completely asinine and inconsistent or something.
I can guarantee that the percentage of Australians who love starbucks is even lower. Though it might trigger a “What a hapless American. He really needs to be introduced to a real cafe” response.
I was trying to apply this approach to puppies.
“Have you seen a puppy?”
“You mean, like, ever?”
“No, I mean, I’ve lost one, it’s, um, you know, little, like a puppy. Colorful. A puppy!”
(backing away slowly, looking for a van in the immediate vicinity)
“Seriously, dude, you lost your puppy? And you’re approaching random women to see if we’ve seen it?”
“No, it’s not like that, I really have lost a puppy!”
“Uh-huh. Imma go now.”
“You just think all men are Schrondinger’s Rapist!”
“Could be.”
“Hey, come back here! Wanna go to Starbucks?”
(I mace him.)
Looking the way they expect women to look requires money, and wealth and coffee snobbery are pretty strongly correlated ime. Ask a hot girl around here where the nearest Starbucks is and she’s more likely to sneer at your lack of taste than offer to give you a blowjob.
Funniest article Evah!
I wouldn’t even recognize if I was being hit on. As a librarian, it’s part of my job to give people information, including the location of the nearest Starbucks.
Lili Fugit – I am laughing evilly at that script.
Also I love the typo (?) Schrondinger’s Rapist. It just makes him look even more a prat.
You: “Apparently. My name’s XYZ.” (Turn your back for a second then turn back around to her) “Okay, what’s my name?”
And then she gives you directions to the nearest hospital instead, because memory loss may be a sign of a more serious medical condition.
(Or, raises her eyebrows, says “really?”, and walks away.)
Do you find that people just ask you stuff even when you’re not at work? I’m not a librarian but I’ve been in customer service since forever, and even when I was in full Goth gear (ie. Not At Work) I used to get people in the street asking me stuff like I was an information officer.
Being in customer service, it’s like flamin’ herpes, never goes away!
QFT!
I like Starbucks coffee. Well, some of them. I don’t like Tim Horton’s coffee, which I often suspect has had opium added to it, based on the long lineups at the drive through at all hours of the night or day.
I went to a Dunkin Donuts when I was stranded in Florida a couple of years ago, and I guess their coffee was tolerable, but they had no cream, only that powdered crap. So I walked across the street to a gas station, which actually had really good coffee (Cumberland Farms or something?), and they had liquid creamers, but only the sickeningly sweet flavoured ones.
I was JUBILANT to finally get to a Starbucks after a few days to get a decent, strong coffee with actual cream.
These guys never realise their scripts leave them open to answers that would neg them right back.
“Wow, your parents must have hated you.”
“Why the fuck should I care what your name is?”
Of course if he turns his back for a second, he’s going to find she’s already walking away.
Plus the whole “I’m really bad at street names” thing from someone who’s familiar enough with the place to give directions is just them wanking about some giggly girly type who only lives in their imaginations. If I’d said the Starbucks was next to whatever building it was, and he then made some crack about street names, it would give him away instantly as a creep. The obvious answer there would be, “If you can’t see a whole big building, you’re not going to be able to see a street sign, are you?”
You: “Apparently. My name’s XYZ.” (Turn your back for a second then turn back around to her) “Okay, what’s my name?”
Oh, gag. My husband used some cornball lines back in the day, but those are just AWFUL. Condescending as hell too; whatever happened to, “Hi, I see you’re wearing a Star Wars shirt. I too enjoy Star Wars. What’s your favorite?”
My husband flirted with me by stripping off his shirt in my presence. 😀 He’s the best.
Also, I don’t mind giving directions (Boston has NO FREAKIN STREET SIGNS so I was having to ask for directions a lot) but trying to use it to turn it into a real conversation… it’s just weird. Why don’t you ask about something we have in COMMON? I don’t even DRINK coffee; were I in Boston and asked for Starbucks, I’d just try to navigate them towards Diesel or something. (Don’t know the shops here enough to direct.)
Seriously, I’ve struck up conversations with people asking about my Green Lantern sweatshirt, or the slogan on Sneak’s T-shirt. Hell, my freakin’ SKETCHBOOK. It’s not that difficult to notice a thing someone has and ask them about it!
That’s what puts me off about USian coffee – creamers. I like my coffee made from milk, or if I’m drinking instant at work, it’s just water coffee with milk added. I’m never even sure what creamers are.
Protip to anyone visiting here: DO NOT buy Gloria Jean’s coffee. I’ve no idea what it tastes like, but they’re owned by that horrible Hillsong mob.
Whoa, subtle! XD
But yeah, it’s not that hard to talk to people. Of course, those are the stumbling blocks for PUAs: they don’t want to talk to women, they want to talk at us until they can get sex; and they don’t think of us as people anyway.
I’ve had lots of conversations with strangers over the years. Back in the day when I used to take Miss Dinah around with me, anyone who liked cats, dolls, historical fashion or all three would come up and ask about her.
LBT, that is awesome flirting by your husband.
Once I was asked if I wanted to get Chinese food and then get naked. My current boyfriend has never flirted with me in any sort of generally recognizable way other than being adorable and being so accommodating that for the first three months of our relationship I assumed that he actually had no preferences whatsoever. Then he gave me chocolate and asked if we could get Mexican food. How come these guys don’t just try to develop a personality? It’s probably a lot cheaper. And more fun.
Milk goes in coffee. Anything Americans call creamer is…white and fake and will possibly cause you to lose any ability to imbibe a beverage that isn’t 97% sugar.
So, he wants to intrude into the places in her mind where she feels safe? How nice.
If he tried to associate himself with something that feels like home to me, I’d probably be more worried (“great, now this place I assumed safe, is now appealing to guys like this, and is thus no longer quite so safe”) than attached to him.
RE: Kittehs
Whoa, subtle! XD
Yeah, he kinda had to be blatant, because I was so oblivious that even THAT didn’t cue me in. He had to resort to theatrical measures to make me realize he wanted in my pants. I’m surprised he didn’t just tear off his clothes and shriek, “I WANT YOUR ASSMEATS!”
RE: J.J
Once I was asked if I wanted to get Chinese food and then get naked.
Now THAT I’m positive hubby has laid on someone at one point. Just not me, because unlike him, I really don’t care for cheap greasy Chinese food.
Leave it to a PUA wannabe to think its a good idea to “tease” a woman and basically insinuate she’s stupid for not knowing the street names when he, someone that is a stranger to her, walks up to her cold on the street. Besides reeking of the playground behavior of kids, very few women these days are going to be receptive to a total stranger walking up to them on a street.
It’s very interesting to me how many “tips” given out by these guys are exactly the OPPOSITE of what the top security expert in the U.S., tells women NOT to respond to in his book, as they are behaviors frequently used by men that mean them harm.
Their imaginary scenarios are so funny because they always make it sound like they’ve never met an actual woman in their entire lives. Giggling and pretending not to know the names of streets? Dude watches too much anime.
tealily, and of course Ted Bundy’s patented method for luring women into his van was to pretend to be injured — and thus extra “safe” — and needing help.
I admittedly live with two people who NEVER use street names in their directions, it’s ALL landmarks, but they’re an exception. Also, their directions are still good, so I think it’s just that they navigate by landmarks.
Oh, my. I have been laughing ever since I opened this page!
Mr. McQueen must think women are all super stupid, on principal, and men merely idiotic for buying into this.
Also, pretending to be “normal” or anything that they aren’t is a good way of getting dumped when the jig is up. But by then, I’m sure the woman will be at fault for dumping them.
There is that stereotype about women liking to navigate with landmarks and men liking street names. I’ve got no idea if that’s actually rooted in fact. If so, I’m an exception because I like street names. Of course, in my part of town the east-west streets are in numeric order and the north-south avenues are named alphabetically so using names and numbers is the easiest.
It’s really annoying that creepers have ruined human interaction in public places for me. I just seem to attract them so much and I don’t why. About half the time, when someone approaches with an innocent question about the time or directions, it turns out to be a creeper like Christian McQueen or the guy in my anecdote from earlier just using that as an opening. It means I can’t trust people who really need help or just want to make friendly small talk. It sucks.
vaiyt – oh good, I hoped someone would post that clip! 😀
I guess it’d appall these creeps to think that some people are in those places by invitation, because they contribute to the safety, happiness and comfort. Men and women loving and caring about each other and feeling protective and protected? Such a concept would make these losers’ heads explode.
Are you new here, DreamingRainne, or am I behind the times? Just in case I’m not, hi, and have a Welcome Package!