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Alpha Playboys always ask for directions to Starbucks

Alpha Playboy opening a two-set with the STarbucks Opener
Alpha Playboy opening a two-set with the Starbucks Opener

 

Ok, ladies. Go do some lady stuff, like vajazzling or banning bossy or having pillow fights or whatever it is you ladies like to do, because we have some MAN STUFF to talk about today. Oh, gay guys, you can leave too. We STRAIGHT MEN are going to be talking about how to develop MAD GAME with the ladies so we can become Master Pickup Artists.

I’d like to start by sharing some dope new information I found on the game blog of ALPHA PLAYBOY “Christian McQueen,” who despite the obviously fake name is an actual real game guru taken seriously by dudes who apparently spend considerable amounts of money on his ebooks and “coaching” and whatnot.

But sometimes, in little acts of mercy for the financially challenged, he shares some of his wisdom with the thirsty men of the world for free.

And that’s the case with his brilliant STARBUCKS OPENER which, again, I am not making up. It is an example of INDIRECT GAME, in that you don’t just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants to have sex with you. It’s a DAY GAME opener, which you use in the DAY and not at a night club.

Anyway, this is what you do. (You might want to write this down.) You walk up to a sexy lady on the street and you say:

“Excuse me. Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?”

BAM! And you’re IN LIKE FLYNN!

Ok, ok, I can sense that some of you may not appreciate the genius of the STARBUCKS OPENER. Some of you even think it sounds a little dopey and not really very sexy at all. Did Casanova go around asking ladies for directions?

Well, let’s let Mr. McQueen explain why his idea is so freaking brilliant:

The Starbucks Opener is absolute GOLD because of a few reasons that I’ll break down right now:

EVERY girl in the world, well 99.9% of girls, LOVE Starbucks. The moment they hear the word ‘Starbucks’, they get happy.

I went and looked for some polling data to support this statement of his and discovered a Rassmussen poll from 2011 showing that 34% of American coffee drinkers have an unfavorable opinion of Starbucks; an earlier Rassmussen poll found that 73% of Americans think that Starbucks is overpriced and 76% say they rarely if ever visit the stores.

I guess they forgot to ask the cute girls what they thought, huh? Probably a bunch of BETAS.

There’s Starbucks all over the world. If you live in Japan and you’re reading this, you can use this line. If you live in Texas or Canada you can use this line. It’s a Global Friendly Line.

Well, pretty much. I mean, Starbucks is in 64 different countries out of 196 in the world, which means that technically speaking most of the countries in the world don’t actually have any Starbucks in them. There are no Starbucks at all in sub-Saharan Africa, or most countries in South America, or much of Eastern Europe or Central Asia. But frankly, most of the countries that don’t have Starbucks aren’t countries that ALPHA PLAYBOYS want to be hanging out in anyway. Just make sure to check to check this map before you try using this line!

‘Starbucks’ equals comfort drinks/food for most people who go there. When a girl hears the word ‘Starbucks’ come from your mouth, she subconsciously goes to that place of feeling happy, safe, comfortable and content. By it coming out of YOUR mouth, she will automatically associate you with those feelings, albeit to a lesser degree. ANYTHING that you can say that gives you an edge from your opening line is good, because it builds comfort in her.

Other “comfort” words and phrases you might want to try to work into your openers: “pillows,” “puppies,” “mashed potatoes,” and “some place far, far away from Chrisian McQueen.”

When you mention ‘Starbucks’, you’re mentioning a globally recognized BRAND. By being a fan of Starbucks and seeking it out, you’re a part of the ‘club’, the fan club of Starbucks that it.

Chicks LOVE BRANDS! Here’s Forbes’ list of the World’s Most Valuable Brands. See how many you can work into your conversations with the babes! It should be easy to incorporate such well-known names as Microsoft, Oracle, General Electric, Samsung, and Frito-Lay. Extra points if you can manage to mention Siemens without giggling.

When you ask a girl where one is, she’ll automatically put you in the ‘normal human being’ category, because ‘normal’ people drink coffee and usually from Starbucks. Any association with something that is popular and normal helps you build comfort.

Asking where the nearest STARBUCKS is, because you want to drink COFFEE, like a NORMAL PERSON, is good. Asking where the nearest GROCERY STORE DUMPSTER is, because you want to EAT FOOD FROM THE GARBAGE like some DAMN HIPPIE DUMPSTER DIVER is not so good. Unless the babe you’re hitting on is a damn hippie dumpster diver.

You can use STARBUCKS OPENER even if you already know where the nearest Starbucks is, because lying is ok if it helps you to get into a woman’s pants. Just don’t use it if you are literally standing in front of a Starbucks, as field-testing indicates that this approach tends to elicit responses like “right fucking here, you asshole,” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”

Now, Christian McQueen’s advice is good for beginners, but if you’d like to learn how to hit up the ladies Man Boobz style, I suggest that you send me $10,000 for my ebook, MAN BOOBZ GAME which I will start writing the moment someone sends me $10,000 for it.

In it you will learn about 100 different INDIRECT KITTY OPENERS from the basic “I have a kitty,” to more advanced versions like “I have two kitties” to others you’ll have to pay me $10,000 to learn and which I haven’t actually thought up yet, but trust me, they’ll be good.

You’ll learn about DIRECT MAN BOOBZ GAME, achieved by taking indirect openers and adding the phrase “in my pants” to the end of them. Thus “I have kitties” becomes “I have kitties – in my pants.”

You’ll learn the fine art of MAN BOOBZ NEGS and how to respond when the woman you’re talking to gets pissed off that you came up to her out of the blue and insulted her. Take this sample dialogue, using my brilliant “that looks infected” indirect opener which I just thought up thirty seconds ago have extensively field tested.

You: “That looks infected.”

Her: “What the fuck are you talking about? What looks infected?”

You: Um, your nose.”

Her: “My nose is fine, you fucking creep.”

You: “Well, I’ve JUST STARTED MEDICAL SCHOOL so I’m not too good at this diagnosis thing just yet. But in a few years, when I’m MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AS A DOCTOR I will be much better.”

Her: “I only just now noticed how charming and handsome you are.”

Just think, fellas, five or six pages more of this sort of wisdom can be yours for only $10,0000!

I really hope no ladies were reading this because I was really hoping to use the “that looks infected” opener the next time I actually leave my apartment.

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samantha
samantha
6 years ago

Since there has been talk of Tarot and wouldn’t it be nice if we had a place dedicated to this, I have been thinking about starting a blog, like man boobz, for Tarot and other, related topics. I do not really know how to do this. The only thing anywhere NEAR this kind of thing I ever did was run a local BBS called Lysistrata for about ten years, back before the internet got big.

Would anyone be interested? If so, could anyone help?

kittehserf
6 years ago

If you want to start a blog, WordPress has some reasonable templates to use for free. I have a blog set up that way.

How wide would you be thinking for the subject matter? What sort of things do you want to include? (Not that I’m doing any writing these days, I’m curious about the overlap though.)

cloudiah
6 years ago

Samantha, wordpress.com makes setting up a blog really easy. And if you’re graphically challenged, you could commission some wonderful blog banner art from LBT!

You can see an example here: http://artistryforfeminismandkittens.wordpress.com/

If you want non-graphic/aesthetic help, you can drop me a comment on the above blog and I’m happy to try to help.

cloudiah
6 years ago

Ninja’d by kittehs! Curses!

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

you could commission some wonderful blog banner art from LBT!

Yes, you totally could! *grin* Oh, and by the way, Kittehs, I’ll be getting to work on your commission once I clear out the writeathon and the con I’m doing next weekend, okay?

kittehserf
6 years ago

Ninja’d by kittehs! Curses!

Muahahahaha! ::twirls moustache evilly::

Oh, and by the way, Kittehs, I’ll be getting to work on your commission once I clear out the writeathon and the con I’m doing next weekend, okay?

Squeee!

Say, did I tell you I found about $90 in greenbacks left over from my last trip? I already have the cash to give you – how cool is that?

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

LBT, I’d love to, but all I can say is “Google it”. I haven’t looked it up in donkey’s, and couldn’t paste it here in any case. Sorries!

Kim
Kim
6 years ago

when I lived in Thailand it was mainly American-style coffee and coffee-ish drinks everywhere

See, I’m not sure what you mean by American-style coffee. The only coffee I had when I was there was the bottomless cup kind you get from a diner – the only kind (besides starbucks) you ever see in movies. Is that drip coffee? Because I hope that’s not the kind you mean. 🙁

I’m going to Phuket btw, so not as cosmopolitan as Bangkok (afaik).

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

RE: Kittehs

Say, did I tell you I found about $90 in greenbacks left over from my last trip? I already have the cash to give you – how cool is that?

Remember, you have an anonymous benefactor! No paying for you!

RE: Robert

LBT, I’d love to, but all I can say is “Google it”.

Will do! …but not tonight. *has been arting and writing all day*

kittehserf
6 years ago

Remember, you have an anonymous benefactor! No paying for you!

Whoa, I had forgotten!

::is embarrassed::

Thank you Anonymous Benefactor, again!

Boogerghost
Boogerghost
6 years ago

I read this at work and had to physically hold the laughter in with my hand during the grocery store dumpster part.

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