So our dear friend Heartiste, the white-supremacist woman-botherer, has assembled a little “Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game,” a compilation of some of his best pickup advice, boiled down to a few handy tips and clever one-liners that wannabe alpha males can use on the ladies during conversation in order to get their ginas tingling. (Sorry, that’s the way these guys talk.)
Looking at Heartiste’s list of “lines” I was struck by how generic and, well, frankly unoriginal most of them were, from standard issue negs like “nice shoes. Those are really popular now” and “is she always like this?” to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery, the guy with the fuzzy hat and the long-ago-cancelled VH1 show.
Indeed, a lot of Heartiste’s “lines” are as old and stale as he is:
Don’t get clingy
Miss me already?
Hey, hands off the merchandise
If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up
So I thought I’d do Heartiste a little favor and write up some new lines for him and his fans that are both more original and a bit more honest. Next time you’re in “da club,” Heartiste, why don’t you try some of these out? Some of these I made up myself; some are taken, or adapted, from things you yourself wrote.
Hi, I spend most of my life on the internet trying to figure out how to manipulate drunk women half my age into bed.
People on the internet know me as Heartiste. No, not Fartiste. With an H. No, it’s not a joke. I thought it up myself.
I like to call black people “darkies.” No, not to their face. Anonymously, on the internet.
I’m an alluringly savvy man self-assuredly parrying the clit-hardened jousts of intrigued women.
Too much outbreeding decreases charitable kin-feeling and incentivizes a decadent ennui that severs the citizen’s sense of obligation to his nation and co-ethnics.
A gentlemanly selectiveness honed by years of experience and psychological nimbleness has proved adequate at filtering out women likely to lay like dead fish in my roiling sea of sperm.
If anyone can usurp the lawyercunt in cuntishness, it’s the Twittercunt.
The walls are closing in on the lords of lies and their feels army of emotabots.
Whether our ruling class knows it or they bumble along like drug addicts seeking the next pleasurable injection of power at any cost, their sex-swapping project will turn the West into matricentric, female forager Africa.
Every time we had sex over the following weeks, it ended with her tucking her knees under her chin naked on the bed to quietly cry into the wrapped bubble of her body.
The only bond that matters in a woman’s heart is the one you caulk in her cock vault.
The ruling elites despise whites, despise the concept of whiteness, and despise especially the idea that the territory and nation and culture from which they parasitically suck the lifeblood was created and sustained primarily by white men.
The id of the Like Me Generation is a furry suit wrapping a toddler.
Women should avoid trying to be funny altogether and stick to maximizing the return on their authentically valuable assets. That would be your tits, ass, face and pussy, in case you were wondering.
That last bit was pure Heartiste. (As were the previous ten.) Like the women of the world, I can’t hope to attain such pinnacles of wit.
RE: takshak
logic has nothing to do with truth value… if your initial assumptions are bullshit, no amount of logic will help.
Yup. For instance, I’ve seen some really horrifying conclusions drawn from what the writer considers to be social justice basis. They’re all very logically consistent and carefully backed up… except for the whole part where the conclusions they come to is that telling people with a history of suicidality to kill themselves is activism, or that folks with eating disorders just need to let go of their thin privilege, or some other such bullshit.
At some point, you have to get a grip before your own symbology consumes you. *says the madman*
RE: Falconer
I admit, whenever I hear some white-bread smarm peddler bang on about God’s plan for peoples’ lives I wanna throw facts over the side and shout to the heavens.
Yup. That’s why I wrote DON’T PRAY FOR ME on my crutches in Sharpie. I swear to god, I went out ONCE with the things, and I had two different people try to pray for me, and one of them told me I should pray to Jesus to be healed.
This is also why I am an atheist. Any god that requires me to beg on my knees for them to cure my health problems is no god I ever want to have a relationship with. I’ll take my lumps with the rest of the great unwashed, thanks.
I’m getting an urge to decorate my walking stick now.
But it’d have to have “Property of Maddie” or something written on it. She’d be cross otherwise.
That’s a really good way to put it. I’m mumblemumblesortadeistbutgodsaretheleastofit because atheism really didn’t work or gel for me. Getting away from the idea that it’s atheism or Biblical literalism was a big step – if a bizarre one, since I was never any sort of practising Christian.
@LBT-
Right? There is no apologetics argument more morally bankrupt than the “God gave your children cancer and got you fired so that other people would have a chance to be good by giving you charity!”
I guess they think Jesus has a lot of time on his hands.
@binjabreel: IDK. I just finished Moses Maimonides’ (really important Golden Age of Andalusia rabbi) Guide the the Perplexed where he argues that absolutely every bit of pain and suffering you experience, from stuff as bad as leprosy to as minor as pricking your finger on a needle, is a direct sent-by-God punishment for sin.
Shit. I hate the just world fallacy. It gets used to justify all sorts of status quo bull. They just didn’t try hard enough, weren’t smart enough, or pray hard enough. No need to work to fix things. Fuck their lack of empathy.
I like Hume’s thoughts on emotion and logic, though I have only read bits and pieces. The bits I have read largely agree with points here about logic being a tool but that emotion and passions provide a purpose to use those tools for.
So many people fail to see the difference between opinions and objective facts. I think of Bill O’Reilly and his no-spin zone. Only people who think they are the center of the universe think they don’t put their own spin on things.
(Writing this out makes me feel self-conscious and splainy. I am sure these thoughts aren’t original to me.)
I misread that as “I just hate the word fallacy” at first and thought (as I often do) it should be spelled phallusy, ‘cos that’s so often what the status quo is about.
Found some Furrinati approved walking sticks:
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/fd/39/28/fd39286a9d62ddc10a7fd20cfcb3719b.jpg
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/325666616775107087/
http://media-cache-cd0.pinimg.com/736x/ca/09/63/ca09633d8b5d64b0b4bbc26841624df0.jpg
neuroticbeagle, you always find the best stuff on the internets!
Re: movement atheism, etc.
I’ll shamefully admit that I once liked Dawkins – if only because of picking up and checking out The God Delusion. Living in a religious area at the time and being far more secular than most, lacking belief in the supernatural of any sort and finding myself more and more fond of science, and it was nice to know that – at least when it came to deities – there were others like me. But that was a long time ago and I was young, far before Dawkins showed his true colors and I finally came to dislike him.
I actually don’t mind if someone wishes to have some kind of faith, they have every right to as much as I to lack it, but – having a Jewish background – Christianity was always something I felt antagonized by. I’ve yet to meet a Muslim who pushed the Quran on me (in fact they are all congenial and respectful) despite all the scare tactics by the news and political conservatives, yet I’ve been constantly hounded by oh-so-proud Christians who can’t seem to take “no” for an answer and are easily offended when I outright told them I just wasn’t interested. They’re disingenuous and utterly close-minded. Whether it was the shithead kids at my school or some awful geriatrics incapable of controlling the volume of their voice – I was surrounded by them and hated it. There are atrocities done by religious individuals that I despise and do, to some degree, think such zealousness is used to justify such horrible actions regardless of what it is (female circumcision, honor killings, etc). That said: a lot of it is still deeper than just religion – it’s a matter of historical and political events that have shaped those regions, among other things.
Honestly, I’m just happy that the world is becoming more acceptable of atheism. I think that, as a “movement”, it’s actually now counterproductive. It’s encouraged the notion that a lack of belief in a god or gods was enough to prove one intellectually superior – yet ignores how, besides religion, one can still become an ideological evangelist. It’s why people like Penn Jillette can be considered a figurehead of the “movement” despite showing a distinct lack of knowledge on various subjects. He’s another too-cool-for-you Libertarian spokesman, like Nick Gillespie (I hate the fact he shares my namesake and has a surname I like), who’s pushed by CATO to appeal to the youths(!!!) who don’t know any better politically. It turns atheism into a monolith when it’s quite clear it can’t be – there are just too many differing points of view besides the disbelief in theism.
the furinati have taken over my pink cock vault …
http://instagram.com/p/lr7X_fF-w5/
I know what you mean, saintnick86.
I found out about organized skepticism (and shifted my beliefs towards atheism) through Pharyngula. While I found skepticism was a fantastic tool for self-reflection and a means for examining my own beliefs, I also saw how often it was abused.
A lot of people seem to ignore the tool in favour of the label. They don’t actually use logic, reason, science or research to examine their beliefs; they belong to the Loyal Order of Skeptics, so of course they’re right.
Worse, a lot of people substitute ignorance for skepticism. “I’ve never experienced this, therefore, it must be bullshit. I don’t understand it, therefore it must be wrong.” That drives me into a frothy rage.
This is why I have such a problem with the benevolent god hypothesis, whether it’s Christians claiming that God will heal you if you just ask, or Pagans and New Agers claiming that ~the Universe~ will send you a lead on a new job if you just keep your eyes open for the signs. I mean, really? Apparently God isn’t doing shit about AIDS or climate change because he’s too busy helping middle-class first-worlders find partners and better paying jobs.
For a while I was really into classical Greek religion, because at least their theology made sense on that point: the gods don’t particularly care about humanity, and if they don’t answer your prayers, it’s because you either didn’t make it worth their while, or they just don’t feel like it.
@leftwingfox The word frothy is just done for me. I giggled for a good bit after I read it.
Definitely agree though. I see too many don’t the armor of atheism as if it means they are rational and skeptical in all matters. Then they go all in on Libertarianism, Objectivism, and MRA tripe, not to mention UFOlogy, trutherism, birtherism, climate change denial, and Charles Murray biotruths.
Though I do love to see how riled up they get talking about how they are rational and not emotional. Anger isn’t an emotion after all.
Also, I have been trying to work in a pun here but have seen the chance. I see cock vault and think chicken coop.
Ya know why chicken coops have 2 doors and not 4?
Because then they would be chicken sedans!
Apologies to all who read the above.
Thanks opium4themasses. My giggle-trigger phrase today is “Strewn Peas”.
http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/knudsen/14.html
opium4themasses – dunno what the combination of giggling and groaning is, but your joke achieved it. 😛
This could be the theology of the Church of the Furrinati in a nutshell.
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Fun:Manosphere_glossary
LOL!
RE: Binjabreel
There is no apologetics argument more morally bankrupt than the “God gave your children cancer and got you fired so that other people would have a chance to be good by giving you charity!”
Yeah, hell fuck no. I am not here to teach religious folks a valuable lesson.
RE: Leum
I just finished Moses Maimonides’ (really important Golden Age of Andalusia rabbi) Guide the the Perplexed where he argues that absolutely every bit of pain and suffering you experience, from stuff as bad as leprosy to as minor as pricking your finger on a needle, is a direct sent-by-God punishment for sin.
The book of Job shakes its head and trudges off, grumbling how nobody ever listens to it anymore. (Seriously, I don’t even like religion or gods, but I like the book of Job for being like, “No, seriously, sometimes bad shit just HAPPENS. It’s not necessarily related to your morals. Sometimes, God is just an asshole.”)
RE: emilygoddess
Pagans and New Agers claiming that ~the Universe~ will send you a lead on a new job if you just keep your eyes open for the signs.
I have a HUGE rant about the Law of Attraction. Seriously, I hate it so much. I wish it were a physical object, so I could burn it. I could never handle the Greek gods, though! I live with a Dionysian, but the Greco-Roman pantheon always seemed to be such petty assholes! (With the possible exception of that one goddess of the hearth; I never heard anything noxious about her.)
Honestly, “The Law of Attraction” is more likely to cause a religious rift between myself and my parents than anything.
RE: leftwingfox
It’s a very tempting thing to believe, because it’s an infantile way of viewing the world that promises utter security and justice based purely upon force of will. It’s just completely bogus.
I have an entire fuckin’ story universe with a religious group that believes reality is partly based on perception, and one of the reasons it’s not popular is because it tends to attract eager fluffy wingnuts who believe they can remake the universe in their mental image. The main character actually avoids his church and chose to travel around as an exorcist to get away from that bullshit.
I’m sorry, but feeble female brain can’t comprehend half of Heartiste’s advice. It’s polysyllabic vomit with racist and sexist themes thrown in for good measure. He’s trying to sound smart, but he comes off as incoherent. It’s pathetic really.
I agree with you completely.
I should note, that my spiritual path is a little different than most atheists in North America. I was never Christian. My parents are nominally so, but are much more into New Age mysticism; Seth Material, Deepak Chopra, Tarot readings, Freemasonry, The Secret, all that stuff.
I was a massive fantasy buff, and loved to read about mythology and cryptozoology and the supernatural. I got some background radiation of Christianity through life in Alberta. Our Scout troop attended one or two functions of the Anglican church we were associated with, but I was raised secular. I believed it all. Heavan, hell, AND reincarnation. There were multiple paths to understanding the mind of the Supreme, and all ways of knowing were good.
But I was also encouraged in logic and science. Dad might dowse for ley lines when building a spiritual cancer wellness centre, but he relied on physics and building codes to make sure it was a perfectly solid structure. I loved science, and the idea of learning more about the world.
Two big things finally shook me out of that, and surprisingly, college level biology was not one of them. The first was simple experience, no matter how much I believed in all things supernatural, I have never experienced anything of the sort. No visions, no answered prayer, no ESP, no magic spell, no haunting. Nothing that couldn’t be easily explained by natural means, always aware of the possibility that I might be fooling myself.
The second was the loss of someone I loved. It wasn’t a traditional relationship, and suddenly that vast mushy web of spiritualism failed spectacularly to answer any questions or provide any comfort. All the flowery bull-shit about soulmates, afterlife, fate, or a just world went up in a puff of incense. I also realized just how selfish it was to consider a life cut short as some sort of “lesson”, or that my thoughts shaped the conditions of the universe that resulted in her death across a continent.
Still, even then I considered myself agnostic. But I didn’t dump “god” I dumped everything supernatural in a big bin of “I’ll believe it if I ever finally see it”, and started rebuilding my moral system and political philosophy. PZ Myers, Greta Christina, Phil Plait and the like helped a lot, which is why I consider myself atheist rather than agnostic. It’s not a major shift, It’s just adding “I probably never will” to that previous statement.
But the big thing is that I’m no longer afraid of my own mind. I don’t worry that my thoughts might be sending me to hell, wrecking my karma, or shaping the universe to draw tragedy to me. The nasty parts of my brain aren’t being read by others, I’m not being judged on my thoughts, just my words and actions. That’s the liberation I feel, in the place of fear of damnation by a christian god. And that’s also why I simply can’t see eye to eye with my parents about an intentional universe.
Whoops. Where dd that teal deer come from?
I read something years ago about how if you actually study the core texts of both belief systems, YHVH as the ultimate reality of the universe is more terrifying a concept than Lovecraft’s Great Old Ones. For that matter, there’s the old wheeze “god never gives you more than you can handle” or some glurgy variation thereof. Everyone who utters that in an attempt at condolence should spend a day with locked-in syndrome.
Sorry, got a bit ranty there.
RE: leftwingfox
I should note, that my spiritual path is a little different than most atheists in North America. I was never Christian. My parents are nominally so, but are much more into New Age mysticism; Seth Material, Deepak Chopra, Tarot readings, Freemasonry, The Secret, all that stuff.
Eesh, did you and me have the same folks? Our father was a deist, Thomas Jefferson style, and our ma was a recovering Southern Baptist who gave up on putting us in church pretty quickly in. They never did get into New Age stuff, thank goodness.
And the SECRET. OH GOD I HATE THE FUCKING SECRET ARGHLEBARGHE KEYBOARDSMASH. Very little makes my husband angry, but that book is the first time I’ve ever seen him actually spiritually offended. On the plus side, I found this really awesome debunking book for it in the library that gave me a good 101 on a bunch of New Age/Law of Attraction shit and how it got started!
The first was simple experience, no matter how much I believed in all things supernatural, I have never experienced anything of the sort. No visions, no answered prayer, no ESP, no magic spell, no haunting.
Ditto. Pretty much all the weirdest of the Weird Shit I experienced… it was in my mind. And yes, that gives me a fair amount of confusion (I pretty much accept my husband’s existence but looking at it too hard gives me a killer headache). My kid sibling is shaping up to be a pretty sharp Tarot reader, but I credit that to zer being a very smart and perceptive person in general. The cards just give zer an unconscious, nonverbal way to access that information and put it together.