So our dear friend Heartiste, the white-supremacist woman-botherer, has assembled a little “Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game,” a compilation of some of his best pickup advice, boiled down to a few handy tips and clever one-liners that wannabe alpha males can use on the ladies during conversation in order to get their ginas tingling. (Sorry, that’s the way these guys talk.)
Looking at Heartiste’s list of “lines” I was struck by how generic and, well, frankly unoriginal most of them were, from standard issue negs like “nice shoes. Those are really popular now” and “is she always like this?” to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery, the guy with the fuzzy hat and the long-ago-cancelled VH1 show.
Indeed, a lot of Heartiste’s “lines” are as old and stale as he is:
Don’t get clingy
Miss me already?
Hey, hands off the merchandise
If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up
So I thought I’d do Heartiste a little favor and write up some new lines for him and his fans that are both more original and a bit more honest. Next time you’re in “da club,” Heartiste, why don’t you try some of these out? Some of these I made up myself; some are taken, or adapted, from things you yourself wrote.
Hi, I spend most of my life on the internet trying to figure out how to manipulate drunk women half my age into bed.
People on the internet know me as Heartiste. No, not Fartiste. With an H. No, it’s not a joke. I thought it up myself.
I like to call black people “darkies.” No, not to their face. Anonymously, on the internet.
I’m an alluringly savvy man self-assuredly parrying the clit-hardened jousts of intrigued women.
Too much outbreeding decreases charitable kin-feeling and incentivizes a decadent ennui that severs the citizen’s sense of obligation to his nation and co-ethnics.
A gentlemanly selectiveness honed by years of experience and psychological nimbleness has proved adequate at filtering out women likely to lay like dead fish in my roiling sea of sperm.
If anyone can usurp the lawyercunt in cuntishness, it’s the Twittercunt.
The walls are closing in on the lords of lies and their feels army of emotabots.
Whether our ruling class knows it or they bumble along like drug addicts seeking the next pleasurable injection of power at any cost, their sex-swapping project will turn the West into matricentric, female forager Africa.
Every time we had sex over the following weeks, it ended with her tucking her knees under her chin naked on the bed to quietly cry into the wrapped bubble of her body.
The only bond that matters in a woman’s heart is the one you caulk in her cock vault.
The ruling elites despise whites, despise the concept of whiteness, and despise especially the idea that the territory and nation and culture from which they parasitically suck the lifeblood was created and sustained primarily by white men.
The id of the Like Me Generation is a furry suit wrapping a toddler.
Women should avoid trying to be funny altogether and stick to maximizing the return on their authentically valuable assets. That would be your tits, ass, face and pussy, in case you were wondering.
That last bit was pure Heartiste. (As were the previous ten.) Like the women of the world, I can’t hope to attain such pinnacles of wit.
@Kitteh:
I had not, but it’s a good summation as to why I’m not fond of Hitchens either.
Honestly – his popularity, along with Sam Harris and Penn Jillette, made me question a lot of the online atheist movement. They seemed to equate lack of belief in a godhead alone for having a superior intellect, though it was largely a case of compartmentalization. Of course you can say Hitchens makes a good point about religion and how ridiculous it is…but it doesn’t make up for the fact he was otherwise incredibly ignorant. He supported the Iraq War, a multi-billion quagmire, simply ’cause Saddam was a bad man and he needed outing – nevermind the justification for invasion or how occupying another country would be handled! It’s as bad as Harris condemning all of Islam due to the brutality exhibited in Middle Eastern nations…only to then claim that torture is totally A-okay.
Jillette? I’ve never heard a more air-headed cheerleader than him. Almost everything on Bullshit!, save for a couple episodes, was pure Libertarian propaganda straight from the CATO Institute (which makes sense given he’s a Fellow there) – demonizing universities as hotbeds of radicalism (based on four people they interview), using outdated data to claim recycling doesn’t work, etc, Plus he pushed Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged whenever possible, regardless of the subject. Hearing him debate Seth MacFarlane over the nature of the Tea Party was painful; his only reason for supporting them was “they are against the government” and whenever MacFarlane suggested the group was far from grassroots and the product of various special interests, he just rolled his eyes and claimed that was just a conspiracy theory with little grounding in reality (though it totally is). He and Malcolm Gladwell may as well be buddies based on how they’re both utterly disingenuous and don’t seem to know about their subject as much as parrot it from elsewhere (likely, again, the Libertarian think tanks they’re associated with).
Also, as far as Hitchens comment (in the comic) about comedy “pushing boundaries” – the best response I can think of is this:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_J9C2XoGO0&w=560&h=315%5D
::applauds::
Even discounting that I’m not an atheist, I could never stand Hitchens, or Dawkins, or Harris. Sooooo up themselves with their whitedude privilege and ASSumption that they’re so much smarter than anyone else.
Had Hitchens done the “waterboarding isn’t torture” shit before he underwent it? I couldn’t fathom how anyone could be so lacking imagination as to be unable to see that yes, it is torture, you’re being drowned. Fuckwit.
Jillette I’ve only heard of in passing on the internet, and when I see his name I keep thinking he’s a 1950s shaver ad.
Gah! Lemme try that again…
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_J9C2XoGO0&w=560&h=315]
Oh man. Just reading that comic gives me flashbacks to people like Eric S. Raymond (most likely the king of verbose mansplaining, complete with plenty of references to Olde Materials to make him sound better-grounded in whatever he’s blathering about than he actually is).
And I’ve never been happy about the recycling episode of Bullshit!, especially because so many people I considered reasonable seem to have taken the whole “yeah, just throw your paper and glass away, it’s perfectly okay” thing at face value.
Also, hi. 😀 I’ve been lurking here for a while, but haven’t had the guts to speak up until now.
@emilygoddess, Ouch! Sorry. I suppose it’s an occupational hazard, but still ouch.
I’m an atheist, but many atheists make me want to embrace religion, just to differentiate myself from them. Dawkins in particular.
Similarly, as opposed as I am to circumcision, I find myself perversely wanting to support it because the majority of “intactivists” I’ve encountered online are such asshats. (Luckily, I come to my senses and respect my deeply held views on the importance of bodily autonomy. But seriously, why are so many “intactivists” such asshats?)
The aggressive cat incident is a really good example of why small children and animals should not be together unless closely supervised. Even the most docile domestic pet is still an animal, with animal instincts. Small children don’t have the neural pathways and understanding to know why they shouldn’t pull a cat’s tail. Personally, I do not let children around my pets without being closely supervised and I don’t let children around my female ferret at all, due to her play biting issue. I know their quirks, facial expressions and body language well enough to be able to step in before a bite or a swat happens.
This is really not the cat’s fault. Besides, if someone grabbed my hair, arm, etc and pulled on it violently, my first instinct would be to slap them too.
Same here. V_V
We really should start the Church of the Furrinati just to piss them off. We could be Inactivists, ‘cos how much can you do when being sat on by one of the furry overlords?
I saw an article about how the first pastafarian politician was sworn into office recently in full religious garb (a colander on his head).
You could seriously start a church of the furrinati and have it become widespread. I mean, cat worship is already the most common thing on the internet.
and hi lee4hmz, nice to meet you. 🙂
There has been a spat of accidents related to Akita dogs being left unsupervised with children. Akitas are fluffy and look friendly, but they’re extremely strong and can only take so much abuse/provocation before they snap.
Hi lee4hmz, have a welcome package! 🙂
kittehserf: Thanks!
Note – the original Japanese Akitas are really different to the American version in terms of temperament. Akitas used to be used by people up in the mountains to babysit their kids while they were out working in Japan. I’m not quite sure what it is about the way they’ve been bred here that’s produced such short-tempered dogs, but the ones in Japan tend to be aloof rather than aggressive.
We must have gotten the American product, then. Anyway, it still stands that people shouldn’t assume a dog is like a plush toy just because it looks adorable.
Yeah, fluffy=friendly isn’t a good assumption to be making.
Even my family’s super-tolerant, lazy-ass golden retriever mix would bite if you provoked her enough, as we found out when she bit one of my sister’s friends who tried to ride her like a pony.
Luckily for everyone involved, she was enough golden retriever that she had a soft mouth and didn’t even break the skin, so there were no hospital visits and the friend’s parents didn’t make a big deal out of it.
(She also caught a squirrel once, and when my mom told her to drop it, the squirrel scrambled up the tree, apparently uninjured.)
My auntie’s adorable miniature collie bit my cousin several times (never anyone else, just him). Which was pretty funny because every time he’d come running complaining that the dog bit him my aunt would just sigh and ask what he’d done to her this time.
A Pick up Artist peacocking with a fur hat is fluffy too, still dangerous.
I had to wonder if the cat had been kicked and hit before for him to act like that. Dracarys is a sweet cat most of the time, but she lashes out when she gets nervous and had quite the temper when I first adopted her. If she gets upset and starts hissing and swatting, I refrain from touching her, speak in soothing tones and keep Darrow away from her. Treating her with kindness has made her mellow out a lot and now after a year and a half with me she feels safe and doesn’t have many temper issues anymore. Yelling at, kicking and hitting cats that are on neurotic side is just a horrible idea.
I would also never leave her alone with a child because it’s when she is scared that she gets temperamental and I could see a grabby child being viewed as frightening by her.
I think a lot of cats find kids really stress-inducing. My old cat was super friendly in general, but hated kids – whenever there were kids around he’d climb up on top of the wardrobe and refuse to come down until they left.
My first instinct would be to pick the baby up away from the cat, not to kick the cat.
Being an atheist myself and spending some time around many other atheists, I give a big +1 to the complaints about some of the atheists. Every group has assholes, it is just too bad that being an asshole makes people louder as well.
The anti-woman and homophobic bullshit I ran into with a few meatspace atheists I know/knew still flabbergasts me. They all like to expound upon how rational and logical they are but can’t seem to see from other viewpoints. Understanding the weight others assign to facts is fundamental to rationality and debate.
I actually dared venturing on the heartiste website (I suppose if someone checks my browser history I’ll have to explain how I was visiting that website ‘ironically’), and in the post that David linked to he said this:
Can anyone explain it to me? These people are so oddly serious about something they call “game”.