So our dear friend Heartiste, the white-supremacist woman-botherer, has assembled a little “Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game,” a compilation of some of his best pickup advice, boiled down to a few handy tips and clever one-liners that wannabe alpha males can use on the ladies during conversation in order to get their ginas tingling. (Sorry, that’s the way these guys talk.)
Looking at Heartiste’s list of “lines” I was struck by how generic and, well, frankly unoriginal most of them were, from standard issue negs like “nice shoes. Those are really popular now” and “is she always like this?” to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery, the guy with the fuzzy hat and the long-ago-cancelled VH1 show.
Indeed, a lot of Heartiste’s “lines” are as old and stale as he is:
Don’t get clingy
Miss me already?
Hey, hands off the merchandise
If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up
So I thought I’d do Heartiste a little favor and write up some new lines for him and his fans that are both more original and a bit more honest. Next time you’re in “da club,” Heartiste, why don’t you try some of these out? Some of these I made up myself; some are taken, or adapted, from things you yourself wrote.
Hi, I spend most of my life on the internet trying to figure out how to manipulate drunk women half my age into bed.
People on the internet know me as Heartiste. No, not Fartiste. With an H. No, it’s not a joke. I thought it up myself.
I like to call black people “darkies.” No, not to their face. Anonymously, on the internet.
I’m an alluringly savvy man self-assuredly parrying the clit-hardened jousts of intrigued women.
Too much outbreeding decreases charitable kin-feeling and incentivizes a decadent ennui that severs the citizen’s sense of obligation to his nation and co-ethnics.
A gentlemanly selectiveness honed by years of experience and psychological nimbleness has proved adequate at filtering out women likely to lay like dead fish in my roiling sea of sperm.
If anyone can usurp the lawyercunt in cuntishness, it’s the Twittercunt.
The walls are closing in on the lords of lies and their feels army of emotabots.
Whether our ruling class knows it or they bumble along like drug addicts seeking the next pleasurable injection of power at any cost, their sex-swapping project will turn the West into matricentric, female forager Africa.
Every time we had sex over the following weeks, it ended with her tucking her knees under her chin naked on the bed to quietly cry into the wrapped bubble of her body.
The only bond that matters in a woman’s heart is the one you caulk in her cock vault.
The ruling elites despise whites, despise the concept of whiteness, and despise especially the idea that the territory and nation and culture from which they parasitically suck the lifeblood was created and sustained primarily by white men.
The id of the Like Me Generation is a furry suit wrapping a toddler.
Women should avoid trying to be funny altogether and stick to maximizing the return on their authentically valuable assets. That would be your tits, ass, face and pussy, in case you were wondering.
That last bit was pure Heartiste. (As were the previous ten.) Like the women of the world, I can’t hope to attain such pinnacles of wit.
If I said you have a beautiful body, that remark might add to your self esteem, so I won’t
Is your father a thief? Because if you come from a family of meth addicts that might explain your teeth.
You know, if you sleep with me I’ll blog about it to desperate halfwits. True story.
Now it may look as if I unsuccessfully hit on every other woman in here before I tried talking to you, but isn’t that a compliment? In a way? You know, if you think about it?
Is heaven missing an angel? Other than Lucifer, obviously. Um, not that I’m suggesting that women are all in his service and sacrifice babies at his Satanic orgies. Um, not that it matters if you do, though. It’s a free country, right? I mean, we all have our faults. You serve the Dark Lord and his hellish minions and I cry into a can of chilli beef while I masturbate to tentacle hentai… Well if you don’t want me to buy you a drink you could have just said.
Well when you say it like that, my cock vault sure could use a caulking (seriously who says these things).
@maggiesausage
omg amazing thanks for making me laugh i needed that
Sir Bodsworth, you really should have your own PUA blog. 😀
These guys hold the fact that we have beautiful bodies against us. They also hold the fact that we don’t have beautiful bodies against us. Logical conclusion: They live in an ugly world.
And yet, he fondly imagines that his outer and inner grottiness will somehow magically make women bend to his will, and their clothes suddenly disappear. Now THAT’s funny!
@ Lady Mondegreen – Is that a neg? 🙂
All of these win so hard.
Here are some linear algebra ones:
“You’re the eigenvalue to my eigenspace.”
“My heart transposed as soon as I saw your face.”
You halve the Mahalanobis distance from me to hot chicks.
“Indeed, because it seems to have made you think I’m interested in you.”
“Wait, you thought I was, and yet you approached me?”
“I’d rather you find me dull than make me dull.”
Really, they come up with pick-up lines for other men; they tell each other these lines in order to impress and bond with each other. They’re a type of joke, not tools for getting results. Kinda like Pick-Up Art in general.
No matter how clever the pick-up lines are – and some are very clever! – ultimately, they’re still just elaborate ways to say “I want to have sex with you”. At best, they’ll convince me that he’s funny, but not convince me that he’s sexually interesting; “that’s funny”, not “that’s hot”.
But that’s not the real purpose of them, is it? The kind guys tell each other, if they were used “in the wild”, are more for the purpose of sexualizing women; less about flirting and more about power. Seems to be a recurring theme with them.
Reblogged this on iheariseeilearn.
I had a guy try the “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” line on me once. And icy stare combined with the answer, “Self-respect,” shut him down pretty fast.
I would be so much more interested in someone who used one of the fake pickup lines from this comment thread.
Don’t get clingy –
I won’t, despite the fact you’re giving me static.
Miss me already? –
Are you “relaxing with my peace of mind? Then no.
Hey, hands off the merchandise –
The only merchandise my hands are on are my drink and my sketchbook (Ok, I was big on taking my sketchbook to bars. I guess swap sketchbook with whatever you like to carry on your person…)
If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up-
Then I guess you don’t know any better…
“Hey baby, wanna see something purple and turgid?”
“What? No, I was just talking about my prose.”
Is that a potato down your pants, or are you just glad to see me?
(feels it)
Yup…potato.
wordsp1nner:
The initial version I read were worded poorly and it was hard to tell whether the cat-kicking happened before or after the cat attacked the baby. Other versions made clear that it happened after the cat attacked the baby, e.g. here:
FWIW, 22 lbs is the size of a large raccoon. I recently discovered that a raccoon had been living in the upper floor of my garage/carriage house. The pest expert who came said that it was long gone. I said that I was glad that I hadn’t encountered it while it was there, and he said, “Me neither. Especially if it had pups!” I suppose according to the MRAs he’s probably just a mangina and not an expert who’s well-informed about the dangers of ~20 lb members of the order Carnivora. (I’m sure that either of us could have fought it off, but I don’t want to deal with stitches, bacterial infections, or rabies infections.)
Something doesn’t need to be big to eff you up if it’s really intent on hurting you. I’ve had my ass handed to me by a three-pound kitten.
Yeah, I understood that the cat attacked the baby first, but my understanding is the cat didn’t go wild until he was kicked. I understand why they did it, but still: baby hurts cat, cat hurts baby, dad hurts cat, cat tries to hurt everyone in range. The baby and the cat were just acting on instinct, so I think breaking the chain depends on the adult humans, and violence clearly doesn’t work.
Shigekuni – wow, that was some grade-A nightmare fuel. I brushed up against that kind of homophobic homoeroticism at uni – lovely to see it’s still au courant.
The whole “women are inherently unfunny” thing never made sense to me. You have female characters in Shakespeare’s plays matching wits with their male counterparts and we have fairly successful female comedians these days – so where the fuck does this “women can’t be funny” nonsense came from? Comes off like a recent invention, to me.
I mean, the only people I hear make that claim are either: 1) using evolutionary psychology and biological determinism, or 2) men who lack a sense of humor and deluded into thinking otherwise. I’ve noticed that guys who try really damn hard to be funny – but obviously aren’t – are incredibly sensitive about such and claims anyone who doesn’t like it must have no sense of humor themselves (project much?). It’s especially noticeable when they’re making rape jokes and people find offense in it, ’cause – particularly if a woman is involved – they are apparently unable to “lighten up.”
It reminds me of Calvin Candie in Django Unchained, who’d make these boorish quips that were neither humorous or clever. Yet he practically demands everyone – sister included – to laugh as if it was.
wordsp1nner, that makes sense. On the one hand, it’s hard for me to blame someone acting on instinct to try to protect a baby, but on the other hand, it doesn’t seem to have worked out too well for them…
saintnick – did you see this episode of A Voice for Pierre?
I got a great response for this line, “If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up”. It would be, “Nah, big enough to lift you.”
No, you don’t. I had to get a bunch of rabies immunoglobin earlier this week (got bit by a patient who wasn’t up to date on his vaccines), and it was NOT FUN. Multiples injections with big needles. I can’t recommend it.