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Caulking in Her C*ck Vault: A New and Improved Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game

Don't let anyone see you checking your notes!
Don’t let anyone see you checking your notes!

So our dear friend Heartiste, the white-supremacist woman-botherer, has assembled a little “Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game,” a compilation of some of his best pickup advice, boiled down to a few handy tips and clever one-liners that wannabe alpha males can use on the ladies during conversation in order to get their ginas tingling. (Sorry, that’s the way these guys talk.)

Looking at Heartiste’s list of “lines” I was struck by how generic and, well, frankly unoriginal most of them were, from standard issue negs like “nice shoes. Those are really popular now” and “is she always like this?” to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and  “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery, the guy with the fuzzy hat and the long-ago-cancelled VH1 show.

Indeed, a lot of Heartiste’s “lines” are as old and stale as he is:

Don’t get clingy

Miss me already?

Hey, hands off the merchandise

If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up

So I thought I’d do Heartiste a little favor and write up some new lines for him and his fans that are both more original and a bit more honest. Next time you’re in “da club,” Heartiste, why don’t you try some of these out? Some of these I made up myself; some are taken, or adapted, from things you yourself wrote.

Hi, I spend most of my life on the internet trying to figure out how to manipulate drunk women half my age into bed.

People on the internet know me as Heartiste. No, not Fartiste. With an H. No, it’s not a joke. I thought it up myself.

I like to call black people “darkies.” No, not to their face. Anonymously, on the internet.

I’m an alluringly savvy man self-assuredly parrying the clit-hardened jousts of intrigued women.

Too much outbreeding decreases charitable kin-feeling and incentivizes a decadent ennui that severs the citizen’s sense of obligation to his nation and co-ethnics.

A gentlemanly selectiveness honed by years of experience and psychological nimbleness has proved adequate at filtering out women likely to lay like dead fish in my roiling sea of sperm.

If anyone can usurp the lawyercunt in cuntishness, it’s the Twittercunt.

The walls are closing in on the lords of lies and their feels army of emotabots.

Whether our ruling class knows it or they bumble along like drug addicts seeking the next pleasurable injection of power at any cost, their sex-swapping project will turn the West into matricentric, female forager Africa.

Every time we had sex over the following weeks, it ended with her tucking her knees under her chin naked on the bed to quietly cry into the wrapped bubble of her body.

The only bond that matters in a woman’s heart is the one you caulk in her cock vault.

The ruling elites despise whites, despise the concept of whiteness, and despise especially the idea that the territory and nation and culture from which they parasitically suck the lifeblood was created and sustained primarily by white men.

The id of the Like Me Generation is a furry suit wrapping a toddler.

Women should avoid trying to be funny altogether and stick to maximizing the return on their authentically valuable assets. That would be your tits, ass, face and pussy, in case you were wondering.

That last bit was pure Heartiste. (As were the previous ten.) Like the women of the world, I can’t hope to attain such pinnacles of wit.

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Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Hey, hands off the merchandise

Relax, dude, no one’s buying your shopworn shit.

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

The crying into the bubble of her body one, what the ever loving hell.

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

don’t get clingy

No worries there, Chief.

Bonelady
Bonelady
6 years ago

Um, there are people out there who actually think that these are good lines and really asked him to compile them? Amazing…

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

The only bond that matters in a woman’s heart is the one you caulk in her cock vault.

Fartiste wished his sperm was as useful as caulk.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Every time we had sex over the following weeks, it ended with her tucking her knees under her chin naked on the bed to quietly cry into the wrapped bubble of her body.

Just how badly does a dude have to perform to reduce his partner to this? Jesus.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

If someone followed him around with a camera it would probably make a great show. Watch as the sad middle-aged man tries desperately to grab the interest of girls just out of high school! Observe as he trots out his pathetic little lines and the expressions of disgust and contempt cross their faces, only to be smoothed over by the very socialization to “be nice” that he intends to try to take advantage of.

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

Just how badly does a dude have to perform to reduce his partner to this? Jesus.

I don’t know what the context is, but “he’s unbelievably bad in bed” is a much rosier interpretation than any that came to my mind :-/. I hope that’s all it was.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

Yeah, it takes a lot more than sexual incompetence to make your partner end up crying in the fetal position. What’s funny/horrifying is that he presumably meant that as some sort of illustration of how great his “game” is.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I came up with a pretty clever pick-up line during the lead up to the Iraq war but I never used it.

Here’s how it would go if I had.

Me: Are you for the Iraq war or opposed?

Him: Opposed.

Me: Oh good! I’m glad you’re willing to give peace a chance, because I would definitely give your piece a chance!

I wonder if it would have worked. I really should have tried it.

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

The crying line is part of some elaborate story in which he tells her some story about a previous girlfriend he apparently still cared about, or she apparently cared about him, or something,and that made her cry when he told the story and apparenty every time they had sex after that. I don’t know, I just skimmed it, it’s all obvious bullshit, and he’s too terrible of a writer to actually read.

That is way better than what I was envisioning. Thanks for clarifying.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

The crying line is part of some elaborate story in which he tells her some story about a previous girlfriend he apparently still cared about, or she apparently cared about him, or something,and that made her cry when he told the story and apparently every time they had sex after that. I don’t know, I just skimmed it, it’s all obvious bullshit, and he’s too terrible of a writer to actually read.

Ugh, what a gross bit of emotional manipulation. Assuming that actually happened, that is. Even as a strictly imaginary scenario, it’s still pretty awful.

Okay, back to the stupid pickup lines:

Miss me already?

>singing< How can I miss you when you won’t go away?

If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up

Is your name Alexander Graham Bell? Because you sure ring like a phony to me.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Terrible pickup lines are just sad. They can be funny, though, in their sadness. My top favorites are still:

‘If I could be any function, I’d want to be your derivative, so I could lie tangent to your curves.’

‘Can I be the helicase to your chromosome? I’d like to unzip your genes.’

Both are terrible, high-schoolish lines. Still, way better than his!

kittehserf
6 years ago

Ironic, isn’t it: Fartiste thinks women have no wit or humour or anything else, only sexual characteristics to make us worthwhile.

He doesn’t have any of it. No wit, no humour, no basic human decency, no ability to write, no charm, no nothing, and to go by his criteria, nothing physical worth a second glance, let alone worth getting naked with.

kittehserf
6 years ago

‘If I could be any function, I’d want to be your derivative, so I could lie tangent to your curves.’

‘Can I be the helicase to your chromosome? I’d like to unzip your genes.’

They’d really want to stick to trying those lines on someone who’d done the same subjects. Even straight out of school I’d have been wondering what the fuck they were on about.

trans_commie
6 years ago

I’ve said this before, but PUAs continue to remind me of my sister’s ex-boyfriend who was a sex offender. And even these lines remind me of that horrible man. He also said many things that were stale and cliched.

katz
6 years ago

‘If I could be any function, I’d want to be your derivative, so I could lie tangent to your curves.’

I like “I want to be your integral so I can be the area under your curves.”

(Or “I want to be your double integral so I can be the volume under your curves.”)

trans_commie
6 years ago

*is trying to think of a linear algebra pickup line*

zippydoo
zippydoo
6 years ago

I have a vault of cocks? Why did no one tell me this? I very much appreciate whichever anonymous man has been faithfully caulking the cracks there, I would hate for the cocks to spoil or spill out before I had a chance to even know they were there, let alone enjoy them!

kittehserf
6 years ago

Corny lines sound better coming from doggies! 😀

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Much love to the furrinati!

sparky
sparky
6 years ago

The ruling elite despise whites….

The ruling elite despise themselves? That’s a new one on me.

shigekuni
shigekuni
6 years ago

You want some truly terrible stuff, check out these suggestions for “pickup line[s] [to be used] to cold approach college bishes” (TW/CW!) http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=148320043

I came across this bizarre forum via this Vice article http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/bodybuilding-forums-are-full-of-latent-homoeroticism

and I’ve been feeding it search terms all of yesterday, because…ok, I have no good reason, but it’s truly hilarious/upsetting

kittehserf
6 years ago

Gods, what contemptible pieces of shit those guys are. At least if they really use those lines and aren’t just fantasising, they’d out themselves as rapey filth immediately.

shigekuni
shigekuni
6 years ago

And if you search it for “men’s rights”, you’ll find both MRA threads, as well as a thread called “If you are a member of the Men’s Rights Movement you are spineless and undisciplined”.

I can’t be the only one obsessed with terrible forums.

Seranvali
Seranvali
6 years ago

David, those lines of yours were horribly funny. I was a bit down this morning and you made me laugh and I appreciate that very much!

serrana
serrana
6 years ago

what else do you have going for you besides your looks?

The ability to know when someone is tedious. Turns away.

Jezebella
Jezebella
6 years ago

Oooh! I didn’t know “sex-swapping” would turn us into a matricentric culture. Why do trans activists not advertise this fact more widely? Count me *on board*.

Cinzia La Strega
6 years ago

Funny stuff, I appreciate the laugh. Not sure whether to thank Heartiste or David.

kittehserf
6 years ago

“Sex swapping” makes me think it’s about swap cards.

“I’ll change you two cis het males for one intersex. I need to complete my set!”

katz
6 years ago

“If I get three that match, I get four extra armies at the beginning of next turn!”

maggiesausage
maggiesausage
6 years ago

I had a cock vault once but the SPCA pointed out it was cruel and I should get a henhouse like everyone else.

katz
6 years ago

I had a cock vault once but the SPCA pointed out it was cruel and I should get a henhouse like everyone else.

That made me literally laugh out loud.

kittehserf
6 years ago

I had a cock vault once but the SPCA pointed out it was cruel and I should get a henhouse like everyone else.

That made me literally laugh out loud.

I did a sort of wheezing noise ‘cos I couldn’t get the breath to laugh aloud.

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
6 years ago

Pan is an expert in getting women to pick him up. He should be doing lecture circuits.

“Now, the trick is you need to run out the apartment door every time she opens it. Then she’ll have to go and get you, and viola! Pick-up time.”

Lili Fugit
Lili Fugit
6 years ago

Holy crap, I actually had a weasely little boy say to me once “I don’t buy girls drinks, but I’ll let you buy me one”! I had no idea that was a thing!

Apparently Los Angeles was like ground zero for the PUA scene, then, because seriously, it was fucking weird how many of these same things were being bandied around by guys in bars. “Miss me already?” Just EW.

(This was about ten years ago, btw. And no, no drinks were had, and I did not miss anyone.)

When I went to New York on business a few years ago I was there for two weeks, and the first evening I went into a restaurant with a bar attached, and while I was waiting for the hostess to seat me I heard a guy from the bar say “Hey, you!” And I looked, and it was a guy, and I said “Yeah?” And he said “Let me buy you a drink”, and I was like, “Oh, okay, sure”, and he did, and talked to me without being a jerk, and hey, fellas reading this, that’s how you pick up a girl! It’s shockingly uncomplicated! You can even start with something as awkward as “Hey You” (because looking back that was pretty funny), and if you’re not a jerk, it will still work! Weird, enit? And this is why MRAs strike out so consistently they have a shit ton of time to sit on the internet whining about striking out with “feminists” and passing along advice about how to get the opposite of laid.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

“Does this rag smell like chloroform?”

“On a scale of 1-10 how old are you?”

“Hey baby, do I stand a chance with you or should I just call you a frigid bitch now and move on to your fat friend?”

“Are you drunk enough to be taken advantage of?”

“Wanna go 50/50 on a rape charge?”

“Let’s go back to my place and do all the things I’ll be telling everyone on the internet we did anyway.”

“You remind me of my pinky toe. You’re small, cute, and I’ll be banging you on the coffee table later. Followed by 20 minutes of crying.”

“WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?” ( angrily)

kittehserf
6 years ago

Pan is an expert in getting women to pick him up. He should be doing lecture circuits.

“Now, the trick is you need to run out the apartment door every time she opens it. Then she’ll have to go and get you, and viola! Pick-up time.”

ROFL!

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
6 years ago

“You remind me of my pinky toe. You’re small, cute, and I’ll be banging you on the coffee table later. Followed by 20 minutes of crying.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
6 years ago

“I like to use the word cunt to indicate that women are being the worst kind of people in the world. Now why won’t you let me access yours?”

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
6 years ago

So, um, I was browsing Heartiste’s twitter, and found this. HUGE TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANIMAL ABUSE.

@praguestepchild Tell me about it. A man worth his brass wouldn't hide from an aggressive housecat. He'd grab a bat and tee up on its skull.— heartiste (@heartiste) March 11, 2014

I heard about this 911 call, and actually the cat was set off by being kicked.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

I had a cock vault once but the SPCA pointed out it was cruel and I should get a henhouse like everyone else.

Please, call it a poultry palace. And they’re not chickenhawks, they’re avian pickup artistes!

maggiesausage
maggiesausage
6 years ago

I guess I really should examine my mammalian privilege.

breadandrosesblogger
6 years ago

Is Heaven missing an angel? Because I say terrible things about women for a living. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Someone was looking for a linear algebra one earlier.

“I think you’re a vector in my space’s basis” is the only one that sort of springs to mind…

Although, I’m sure we could come up with something having to do with sheer transformations.

katz
6 years ago

I was thinking “Let’s find you me sine theta.” Or would that just be if you were making a baby?

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

Don’t get clingy

Sure, dude. Just hand me the can of Static Guard, and I’ll give you the slip.

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
6 years ago

“Let me show you my boobies.”

http://cdn1.arkive.org/media/6A/6AD2B57A-C3F3-420D-8447-1BE430FBC664/Presentation.Large/Blue-footed-booby-at-nest-with-eggs.jpg

“Hey, are you luteinizing hormone? Because I think you just made me ovulate/ triggered a testosterone surge (whatever is appropriate for your gonads).”

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