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Caulking in Her C*ck Vault: A New and Improved Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game

Don't let anyone see you checking your notes!
Don’t let anyone see you checking your notes!

So our dear friend Heartiste, the white-supremacist woman-botherer, has assembled a little “Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game,” a compilation of some of his best pickup advice, boiled down to a few handy tips and clever one-liners that wannabe alpha males can use on the ladies during conversation in order to get their ginas tingling. (Sorry, that’s the way these guys talk.)

Looking at Heartiste’s list of “lines” I was struck by how generic and, well, frankly unoriginal most of them were, from standard issue negs like “nice shoes. Those are really popular now” and “is she always like this?” to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and  “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery, the guy with the fuzzy hat and the long-ago-cancelled VH1 show.

Indeed, a lot of Heartiste’s “lines” are as old and stale as he is:

Don’t get clingy

Miss me already?

Hey, hands off the merchandise

If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up

So I thought I’d do Heartiste a little favor and write up some new lines for him and his fans that are both more original and a bit more honest. Next time you’re in “da club,” Heartiste, why don’t you try some of these out? Some of these I made up myself; some are taken, or adapted, from things you yourself wrote.

Hi, I spend most of my life on the internet trying to figure out how to manipulate drunk women half my age into bed.

People on the internet know me as Heartiste. No, not Fartiste. With an H. No, it’s not a joke. I thought it up myself.

I like to call black people “darkies.” No, not to their face. Anonymously, on the internet.

I’m an alluringly savvy man self-assuredly parrying the clit-hardened jousts of intrigued women.

Too much outbreeding decreases charitable kin-feeling and incentivizes a decadent ennui that severs the citizen’s sense of obligation to his nation and co-ethnics.

A gentlemanly selectiveness honed by years of experience and psychological nimbleness has proved adequate at filtering out women likely to lay like dead fish in my roiling sea of sperm.

If anyone can usurp the lawyercunt in cuntishness, it’s the Twittercunt.

The walls are closing in on the lords of lies and their feels army of emotabots.

Whether our ruling class knows it or they bumble along like drug addicts seeking the next pleasurable injection of power at any cost, their sex-swapping project will turn the West into matricentric, female forager Africa.

Every time we had sex over the following weeks, it ended with her tucking her knees under her chin naked on the bed to quietly cry into the wrapped bubble of her body.

The only bond that matters in a woman’s heart is the one you caulk in her cock vault.

The ruling elites despise whites, despise the concept of whiteness, and despise especially the idea that the territory and nation and culture from which they parasitically suck the lifeblood was created and sustained primarily by white men.

The id of the Like Me Generation is a furry suit wrapping a toddler.

Women should avoid trying to be funny altogether and stick to maximizing the return on their authentically valuable assets. That would be your tits, ass, face and pussy, in case you were wondering.

That last bit was pure Heartiste. (As were the previous ten.) Like the women of the world, I can’t hope to attain such pinnacles of wit.

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grumpycatisagirl
6 years ago

David’s (presumably David’s) inflatable dates also turned plural in the second draft. For whatever reason.

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
6 years ago

These idiots fail to realize that “mangina” isn’t even insulting to people outside their pathetic little subculture. Protip: people who don’t hate women don’t tend to mind being compared to women.

(Also, men can have vaginas).

vaiyt
6 years ago

I will confess that my first thought is, “DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD.”

I tuned this up as soon as I knew it.

“Some say we should only say good things of the dead. He’s dead – good!” – someone smarter than me

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

They may as well just go ahead and say “poopyhead”. Just as juvenile, but at least people outside their weird little subculture would have some idea what they were going on about.

Shadow
Shadow
6 years ago

David’s (presumably David’s) inflatable dates also turned plural in the second draft. For whatever reason.

David got a little more alpha. Either that or it’s his feminism, since we all know what male feminists are in it for

kittehserf
6 years ago

Poor MRAs. How sad to be afraid your inflatable girlfriend would desert you for a feminist guy given half a chance.

cloudiah
6 years ago

Even their imaginary girlfriends are rejecting them. That IS sad.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

No the inflatable dolls just know that David is a beta. They’re planning on cuckolding him. How could you people not see that!?

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

RE: vaityt

*watches vid in silent, wide-eyed fascination, because it is WAAAAAAAY more interesting than the drive-by* Hallelujah, this means that stupid religion discussion is over!

Nova
Nova
6 years ago

I’m coming at this from a Christian perspective, so… I’m kind of curious about the experience that Phelps is having right about now.

I’m about to get up on a really big soapbox, so feel free to skip this one, if you’re not into the discussion about religion. Sorry but this is something that really gets to me.

I get really tired of religion, Christianity for decades and now Islam, being held up as the cause of hatred, homophobia, etc. in the world. It’s my faith and, while I understand, accept and… heck, I’ll say it, celebrate the fact that others have found their place in other belief systems, this is the one that I’ve chosen and it’s sacred to me. I’m not shitting on yours, please extend me the same courtesy. Sadly enough, those who proclaim that they share my faith are the ones shitting on it the most.

Hate is a choice. Should someone choose to hate, it’s purely because they want to and hiding behind religion or science or whatever is only a way to shield themselves. They know that it’s wrong and they know they should, rightly, face condemnation for their behavior. As the Bible is a very large text, which requires a lot of historical context and understanding, it’s very easy to cherry pick a verse here and there to justify anything. However, taken as a whole, with appropriate historic context applied, it’s a very wonderful book that encourages the very best in all of us. It saddens me to see it used to justify so many evils in the world.

Parents don’t beat their children because they read Debi Pearl’s ass backward book about how to do it right. They beat their children because they’re abusive assholes. People don’t bash homosexuals because of the verse in Leviticus, which is outdated Old Testament law. They bash homosexuals because they want to. On the flip side, people who volunteer in soup kitchens and homeless shelters don’t do it because Christ commanded it. They do it because they want to make the world a better place. People who rescue abused animals aren’t doing it because the Bible says to be good stewards of the earth. They’re doing it because they care for animals and want to help them. It goes both ways.

Most Christians are good people. Most Muslims are good people. Most people in general are good people. It’s just the very vocal minority of assholes who have co-opted these religions to shield themselves from contempt that are making headlines.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

RE: Nova

I’m kind of curious about the experience that Phelps is having right about now.

I think the experience of being stuck in a box under six feet of turf, unable to communicate or influence anyone, sounds perfectly appropriate.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

NOVA YOU FOOL YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THE DEAD HORSE RESURRECT ALL OVER AGAIN

Nova
Nova
6 years ago

Wow. Ok. I’ll keep my posts to myself from now on…

kittehserf
6 years ago

Nova – don’t worry, and a high five from me.

I’d bet Phelps is going to have a lot of self-examination to do. At least I hope so. A serious dose of self-awareness should keep him busy for a century or so.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

RE: Nova

Sorry, it’s not you, it’s just that I’m really sick of the “BUT RELIGION MAKES PEOPLE EVIL” dead horse constantly resurrecting. I’m worried that Octo will return for yet another iteration of, “BUT WAIT….” and I’ve had enough of her for now.

kittehserf
6 years ago

I think Octo’s a bloke.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

I’m sorry, Nova! Please come back, I didn’t mean to blast you! D:

And oh, oops. Sorry, Octo.

Nova
Nova
6 years ago

LBT: It’s all good. I have a very emotionally draining job, so I get a little sensitive. My apologies for overreacting. The religion bit irks the crap out of me too. It’s to the point that I refuse to self identify, when it comes to religion, because I don’t want to have to explain it to people over and over again.

I’m SO off to bed. Tonight was phenomenally awesome, but my legs and my brain feel like jelly. Being “on” for hours on end, cheerful, chipper and all of that saps every last ounce of social energy that I have.

alysonmiers
6 years ago

Reblogged this on The Monster's Ink and commented:
LOOK AT THIS: “to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery,”

“What else do you have going for you besides your looks?”

Oh, dear, that is basically punching yourself. My online dating profile includes a clause that specifically repels exactly this type of user, for exactly this reason. I can tell which guys haven’t actually read my profile based on how they respond to (or totally ignore) my “I don’t want to hear about my looks” line. It DOES help to filter out the doucherockets.

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