So Twitter is a bit depressing today. One of the trending hashtags at the moment is #LiesToldByFemales and, yes, it’s the misogynistic cesspool that you might expect, a vast assortment of not-very-original stereotypes about women — sorry, females — and their allegedly lying ways. The female-bashing tweeters — some of them female themselves — aren’t even terribly original in their complaints, and most of the tweets seem to be reworkings on a few very basic themes.
We have the good-old fashioned trope of the female-as-narcissist, forever obsessed with how she looks — and given to lying about how much work she puts into her appearance.
#LiesToldByFemales ill be ready in 5 mins -_-
— Ken Speaks (@SpeaksKen) March 5, 2014
https://twitter.com/xstepheezyx/status/441301976781815808
Then, of course, there are the cheating “females.”
https://twitter.com/j4keh4rris/status/441295523610255360
https://twitter.com/ATLREPPA/status/441302902964224000
And the evil, evil females who tell people they’re “fine” when they’re really not so fine at all:
https://twitter.com/steveo396/status/441327634375376896
But most of the Tweets — or at least the most virulent ones — seem to be devoted to not-so-good old-fashioned slut-shaming. A favorite target: the slut pretending not to be s slut:
https://twitter.com/jbdangles/status/441311430319804416
I'm a virgin. #LiesToldByFemales
— Chopstixx (@AsianKenDoll) March 5, 2014
https://twitter.com/jaleenelia/status/441304024969539584
https://twitter.com/Codehhhhh/status/441316300350947328
The strangest variation on this theme is the following:
#LiesToldByFemales I don't suck dick
— mahmood (@MahmoodHawa) March 5, 2014
This particular meme is, for some strange reason, quite popular; versions of it have been Tweeted dozens of times by dozens of different people since the hashtag started up yesterday.
It’s a strangely revealing complaint. There are only two scenarios in which I can imagine a man getting angry about this statement from a “female.” Either he’s angry at a woman who didn’t give him a blowjob (even though she’s allegedly given blowjobs to other men), 0r he’s angry at a woman who did give him a blowjob (even though she said she didn’t do that). Really?
In the first instance, he’s essentially announcing to the world that he’s an asshole who’s jealous that women are having sex with men other than him; in the second he’s basically showing himself to be an ungrateful asshole who never deserves to get a blowjob ever again. Either way, dude, you’re not the one who looks good here.
The one heartening sign in all this: a few intrepid souls have ventured into the swamp to subvert this noxious old meme.
"I love human mating practices, and also I am definitely not three big lizards in a trench coat" #LiesToldByFemales
— Meals (@Eatingmeals) March 5, 2014
#LiesToldByFemales "touch the humming sphere. go on. do not wear gloves. think of your worst fear while doing so. its perfectly safe"
— on bluesky at explod.es (@egg_dog) March 5, 2014
https://twitter.com/nymphofthewoods/status/441304073094983680
We read your last tweet and your father and I are so proud of you, son. #LiesToldByFemales
— i am carbs (@I_am_carbs) March 5, 2014
Give it a shot yourself — I have. At least if you can stand being in some pretty repulsive company.
NOTE TO LARGE CORPORATIONS: I wouldn’t recommend jumping into this particular hashtag if I were you. Might not look so good alongside some of the other Tweets. I’m looking at you, JC Penney.
#LiesToldByFemales I don't need another pair of shoes. http://t.co/TDppxkECQU
— JCPenney (@jcpenney) March 5, 2014
Ooh, that’s original.
“I have never eaten cereal for dinner.” #LiesToldByKids
“I wasn’t worried about you looking over my shoulder – I just happened to check my email inbox each time you passed by my computer.” #LiesToldByInternetUsers
#LiesToldByMeRecently
katz, you’ll get this one:
“I am not an attention-seeker at all and I always write excellent fiction.” #LiesToldByFictioneers.
OMGFICTIONEERS
Dictionary entry for fictioneer:
Oh my. I love it when a word means almost exactly as it sounds. At the same time, I’m bothered by the fact that it’s an actual word.
I just looked up the dictionary definition of fictioneer. LMAO!
Ninja’d! We even looked up the same definition!
“We are working to ensure your call is answered as quickly as possible.”
“Nobody was there to take the delivery.”
“Your parcel should arrive in the next fifteen minutes.”
“This call may be monitored to maintain our high customer service standards.”
#liestoldbycouriercompanies
“This train has been delayed due to operational requirements.”
“We apologise for any inconvenience.”
#liestoldbyrailwayoperators
It wasn’t kind of not a coincidence that we found the same definition because as I searched for the definition, I literally thought to myself “I’m sure the Merriam-Webster entry is reliable because that’s the dictionary [katz] used to beat me in a word game.”
I’m guessing you two didn’t have to chase each other round the house with the dictionary the way I have with Mr when we’re playing Scrabble! 😀
I just use it because it’s the first Google result. (And don’t feel bad about the definitions game. I’ve played it before.)
Nah, this is the game where you each name a word and whichever one has the most listed dictionary definitions wins.
“We really do intend to piss off and stop bothering you some day.”
#liestoldbymgtow
“Women think we’re hot. Falling all over themselves to get at us, they are.”
#liestoldbypuas
“All of our lines are currently busy. You will be transferred to a representative shortly.” #LiesToldByCustomerService
“Nothing could possibly go wrong if I drink coffee on an empty stomach.” #LiesToldByAlly
We were just bored momentarily and decided to play a game in which we tried to find the words with the greatest number of distinct meanings e.g. “light.” It was fun, but probably one of the quickest word games ever.
“Sphensisciformes can fly at altitudes of up to 10,000 feet” #LiesToldByBiologistTrolls
“There are polar bears in Antarctica” #LiesToldByCocaCola
“New long-lasting flavor!” #LiesToldByJuicyFruit
“We’ll get back to you within two weeks.” #LiesToldByEmploymentAgencies
“Pasties protect me from swords and bullets in ways that actual suits of armor never will.” #LiesToldByOverlySexualizedFemaleVideoGameCharacters
“I never have any problem with not eating chocolate.”
“I didn’t furtively take in 10 hits as I was listening your story.”
#LiesToldByStoners
That sounds fun!
Pasties? Okay this is a different definition game, ‘cos I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mean Cornish pasties.
“I’m really a female wasp” #LiesToldByOrchids
Aaaand I should probably stop before I add too much ridiculousness through made up hashtags.
It was really fun, though. The #liestoldbyfelines were kind of amazing, and I love them dearly. Geniuses, the lot of you!
That JC Penny tweet furthers confirms my suspicion that the secret goal of social media is to expose the most idiotic elements of your typical marketing department.
“What do you mean ‘what am I doing here’? This is my shed you’ve wandered into.”
#LiestoldbyForeignCats