Another open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments, supportive comments only!
Categories
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The Mammoth
@theladyzombie I won’t pretend there is no racism in Texas. I live in one of the most conservative pockets. However, having lived in the Midwest, I find it is not as big a difference as people imagine it to be.
Texas is a majority minority state and I find there is racism but also more intermingling between races. There are some strong institutions and traditions which harden privilege but people tend to be more in your face friendly at times. The sort of annoying and meddlesome stuff that caring people sometimes do. I remember a particular spot on the show “What would you do?” where Texans were more likely to come to the defense of a gay couple being verbally attacked by a waitress than in the same situation in New York City. Of course in Texas there was a more blatantly homophobic bystander too.
It is complicated and I am not doing justice in the description. This state is the home of Molly Ivins, LBJ, Ann Richards, Wendy Davis, George W Bush, Rick Perry, Louie Gohmert, and Ted Cruz. Having lived in conservative areas I have a strong love for the liberals who fight in “enemy” territory. I get tired of the red/blue state thing when I see it applied as a broad brush to 55/45 or 60/40 states.
I am sure you could carve out a full life with lots of lovely like-minded people in Texas, especially in Austin. Good luck in your interview! I have a few friends in Austin, but I am only somewhat in touch with them as the distance means we aren’t as connected as before.
@katz
Yeah, his motivations are pretty much exactly as you describe them. He wands me to be independent my for my sake as well. So I have nothing against him for that. He has been known to be pushy like this towards anyone who stays at his house temporarily (even his mom and his younger brother), but this time his motivations are reasonable. I just wish he didn’t expect me to do everything at once.
One thing that does make me worried, however, is his perspective on living independently. In his youth (mostly during the late 80s and early 90s) he lived homeless by his volition. He told me that I can do the same thing and there’s nothing to worry about, but I don’t think he understands the difference in privilege here. He’s a white cis man, and I’m a trans woman of color. Things have also changed over the past several decades, so it’s wrong to assume that everything will be as “easy” as it was for him, all things being equal. Anyway, because of this perspective he has, I’m afraid of the possibility that he’ll grow too impatient with me for whatever reason and instead tell me to leave. Despite the fact that I’ve been doing work for him that he’s asked for ever since I came to this place.
Ally, you are stressed out by what is going on in your life and you are depressed, and both are reasonable and natural and I am not trying to minimize either of those factors, but remember that depression lies. You are not hopeless and worthless, and I am certain that others don’t see you that way either. Keep reminding yourself, when the depression tells you that things are never going to get better, that depression lies and that you can’t ever trust it.
It sounds like your step dad is suffering from his own stress and, while he is normally good to you, he is not dealing as well right now. Try to keep in mind that your depression is coloring your view of him as well. Try to adapt to his expectations rather than questioning their motivations; perhaps you can externalize a bit of your effort to let him see that you are trying? Have him make a list of all the landscaping tasks he would like accomplished and see if there are a few you could break down into smaller tasks that you could get done? You might even find that some physical work allows you to put your mind on standby and gives you a little space to get away from depressive thinking (ask me how I know that this one works pretty well 😉 !)
Call your therapist. Not only for some comfort, which you deserve, but also to ask her about options. Does she know of resources for finding a job or some particularly trans-friendly workplaces? Are there any programs or sources of support available to help you?
Can you focus on mastering a smaller programming task instead of feeling that you have to take on all of it at once? The son of a friend of mine took his winter break last year to learn to code for iOS and made a little homework-scheduling app that he’s actually making a bit of money from. I’m not saying that it wasn’t a challenge, or that it happened right away, but he’s got a job lined up for the summer now that he has that demonstration of the skill he mastered.
Maybe if your step-dad saw you getting bits of the landscaping stuff done, and saw you actively looking for a job and trying to master a computer skill, he will feel a bit less anxious about pushing you to get more independent? And all of those things, while demonstrating your seriousness to him, will pay off in benefit to you as well.
Falconer, the babbies continue to provide my recommended daily allowance of adorable, thank you! Sorry to hear about the up-spitting, and I hope everyone starts to feel better very soon.
Is it me or are both of them giving that cake a bit of side-eye?
Ally: One thing I might recommend, since your step-dad seems to want to be reasonable about things–sit down with him (possibly with your mom as an arbitrator) and work out a written list of obligations. Functionally, it would be a ‘lease’, the rules you agree to abide by while living under their roof. It would include job-hunting, education/training goals and household activities (like the landscaping). This will accomplish two things, both helpful from your perspective:
1: It’ll make him fully aware of how much you are, in fact, doing and contributing. He’ll be reassured that you’re not just coasting or freeloading–that you’re trying to get to a better place in the long run, and working to contribute in the meantime. If he expresses a concern about something, you can point out specifically where your efforts are being directed.
2: It also keeps you from feeling so uncertain. You know what’s expected of you, and by extension, what you can set aside for the time being. You’ll know when you’ve done enough for that day or week or month–just like a renter who has dropped off this month’s check knows that they’re good for the next thirty days. It will give you the reassurance of having some control over your own life.
Put in some timetables and milestones. “Get a job” is one, while “get a job that pays for my share of the food bill” is another. Lay out a reasonable timeline for all of these.
The landscaping, while a reasonable request, is obviously intensive labor. It should have set hours per week, and ideally, those hours would be based in part on what other things you’re doing. So until you get a job/go back to school, a few hours every day is not unreasonable. Days working a real job would be days not spent on landscaping. A similar accommodation would apply to school. So if you end up doing both school and work, the only time spent working the house would be on your days off, and it would be reasonable to have those be shorter hours than you might put in daily initially. If you manage to earn enough to pay a reasonable ‘rent’ to the two of them, you can even include a clause that eliminates the landscaping entirely.
Babbies! Hope they’re both fully healthy soon!
Ally, you’ve gotten some good advice here. The only other idea I have is to build up your “rudimentary” (I’m not even sure they’re so rudimentary) programming skills by doing some volunteer or low-paid programming work for non-profits or other organizations. Those can be good stepping stones to paid positions, too.
Anyway, you’ve been through a lot, and you have a lot to balance right now. Good self-care is probably the most important thing. All the hugs you want are in the barrel!
That’s a really good plan.
Happy Pancake Day, everyone
http://instagram.com/p/lIjPeaF-wj/
Babbies! I hope they’re both well again soon.
Love Boy BelovedFalconer’s expression in the close-up. He reminds me of someone but I can’t place who.
RE: Bina
Anyhow, hang in there and feel better soon. I’ve had low iron too, and it IS exhausting. Mentally and physically.
No kidding. After all that, I’m still having trouble handling more than short walks. And tomorrow I’m getting tattooed again elsewhere in town, which is stressful enough on body and mind… hopefully I will make it through fine!
And yup, there will be more meat for me today.
RE: Kittehs
LBT – I sure hope so. The only reason not to would be if I’d got a job already (unlikely). It’s all paid for and I’d never get the money back, so there’s no other reason not to come.
Well, bummer about the money being gone, but I am excited to see you nevertheless!
RE: opium4themasses
Ann Richards
WOOO ANN RICHARDS! The best governor to get a movie theatre “shut the fuck up while the movie’s going” PSA done ever!
Goddammit. Apparently that short walk I took ruined everything; I’m hazy and weak and stupidly ravenous but don’t want to cook meat at freakin’ five-thirty without roomies’ help.
I am so frustrated right now. I have a story that needs to be done by March 31st, and I was doing so well and now my brain is full of fog and I have trouble standing up and goddammit I’ve been like this for over a week! I know it’s stupid, but I want to be BETTER now, or at least just mentally disabled and not physically too. Everything is taking ten times longer than it should and I love my work so much and I JUST CAN’T DO IT and if I have to spend one more day lying on the couch reading a book I swear to God I will burn a puppy. Also that stupid tattoo appointment which I made weeks ago looks like I might not be able to do it and I was LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.
Aaaaaaaargh I hate being disabled.
Agh, all the non-contact hugs, LBT! I’ve never been as sick as that but I know what it’s like to be sick of being sick. Everything takes twice as long at least and hurts and is exhausting.
Don’t burn a puppy, burn a PUA!
Well, just a bit. Splash a little hot coffee on Roosh’s vibrating crotch, or something.
That’s so frustrating, LBT. I hope things are better for you soon.
Okay. I at least made some progress today; I got more meat into my face, and finally got my hands on a consultation with a new therapist (who takes my insurance!) So thanks, serrana, I am now feeling better!
RE: Kittehs
Splash a little hot coffee on Roosh’s vibrating crotch, or something.
Are you TRYING to ensure I never let my hubby into my secret garden ever again? You terrible woman.
Oh my, that troll thread is long! I looked over to see what David was talking about right from the source and got stuck reading (still reading) a hundreds of posts long Odyssey. Popping in here to say how disappointed I am that I missed both pancake and firefly time (lemon and powdered sugar FTW!).
Now back to the slog- I’m committed now and need to see how trolltime ends.
Also, hugs for anyone who needs them! I will catch up here after my necrotroll adventure. 🙂
I just heard my mom and my step-dad argue with each other while yelling, and then a loud door slam. I wanted to come downstairs and see what was going on so I could try to cool down the situation, but instead I stayed in my room. Even though I’m 19, I still feel like I’m the same 9-year-old whenever I hear people yell and angrily argue with each other.
Whether it’s my dad yelling at my mom, my dad and my step-mom yelling at each other, or my mom and my step-dad yelling at each other – I just want to hide and hope that it stops. Folks call me strong for having dealt with these things in my family, but I’m really not much stronger than my younger siblings. I hope the conflict between my step-dad and my mom is easily resolved. I’m so scared, guys.
kitteh: I’m sorry about your job, that totally sucks! I hope you can find a new job soon.
LBT: I’m glad you started to feel a little better yesterday, and I hope you feel even better today. And yay for finding a therapist that takes your insurance!
Ally: I’m seconding cloudiah, you’ve gotten good advice from everyone here. Just wanted to add that someone who’s been able to do what you’ve done isn’t unrealistic or naive; the opposite, in fact.
Falconer: I hope your little boy gets better; baby diarrhea is…not fun.
For anyone who needs them:
Puppies in a shopping cart:
http://majorlycute.tumblr.com/image/69890149492
Kitties in the sink:
http://static.hometheaterforum.com/imgrepo/0/02/htf_imgcache_13067.jpeg
Pink dolphin:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_WW-H7Ee1OA/UYfhlwaOYgI/AAAAAAAAAPw/no5zMjYHENs/s1600/pink_dolphin.jpg
Ally: I don’t think your wrong for staying out of an argument between your mom and step-dad. You don’t know what it was about and might not have been able to cool things down. Was it frightening because they were loud?
They resolved the argument, so everything is okay now. And yes, they were pretty loud. That’s the main reason I hid in my room.
Still week, had to cancel tattoo appointment, but hey, at least I’m in good spirits. Thus, I come bearing tentacled brain bleach:
Greetings! I come from Planet Mrowr, bearing soft fuzzy torbie sweetness for anyone in need of some.
Kittehserf:
So, you’re coming to Chicago (trip all paid up), but you may need to be budgeting because of the job-loss.
First link first:
http://www.timeout.com/chicago/kids/activities/free-museum-days
Some of the museums only have free days for Illinois residents, but others are more friendly than that. I recommend the Botanical Gardens, the Lincoln Park Zoo and the Oriental Institute at the University of Chicago. I’ve also heard really good things about the Mitchell Museum of the American Indian–that’s free admission on Fridays only.
I know you mentioned you’re going to the Field Museum. Sadly, it’s one of the resident-exclusive ones, but that said, it’s also well worth the money if you plan right. One: It’s HUGE. Expect to burn a day there. Two: Even with that, I recommend going to their website and getting the map: http://fieldmuseum.org/sites/default/files/VisitorsMap%202012%20LR.Final_.pdf Listing your personal ‘gotta-sees’ is a good idea, just to make sure you don’t miss them. Personally, I like the Gem and Jade exhibits (2nd Floor), Sue and the Lions of Tsavo exhibit (Main Floor) and the Egypt exhibit (starts on main floor, then goes down to the basement).
Navy Pier has an awesome gallery of stained glass, if that’s to your taste, and is free. Just be warned–the Pier is pretty much a giant tourist-trap outside of that, so you may want to eat before going there, rather than paying the mark-up on what really isn’t all that great of food, and beware the kitschy souvenir shops.
Also downtown, Millennium Park is a gorgeous way to spend a sunny day. Lots of walking, so be prepped, and if it’s sunny, you’ll want sunblock.
Chicago’s Chinatown is, sadly, less fun on a budget–the shops and eateries aren’t hugely overpriced (some are downright cheap), but the district is pretty much meant to separate you from your cash. Still, you can get some gorgeous photos during decent weather. If you do go, hit the Golden Apple Bakery and Cafe at 2409 S. Wentworth (it’s not a bad spot to start a walking tour of the area, actually–go up Wentworth, check out the main sites, then go back down the other side of Wentworth, and you’re done). They do awesome fuzzy pork bun things that are sweet and delicious and ridiculously cheap.
If, and only if, you enjoy heights, I recommend the observation deck at the John Hancock building. It’s easily the best view of Chicago–there is an admission fee, though. The Willis Tower (formerly Sears Tower) also has a deck, but despite being higher up, it’s not as good of a view.
Let me know if there’s something specific you’re looking for by way of activities, and I’ll see if there’s a good place for that.
I want an octopus hickey!
Oh, also on the free list–the Garfield Park Conservatory on the west side (if whoever you’re with is getting around by train, it’s literally got its own stop on the Green Line). The fern room is amazing, and it’s where I proposed to my wife, so I’m a bit biased.
For those wondering about it:
A good source of non-critter based B12 is nutritional yeast. I used to use it in “cheese” sauces and Parmesan-like topping for spaghetti back when we were veggie. It’s pretty dern tasty. You’ve tasted it before if you’ve eaten Cheese Nips and has a sort of nutty, slightly funky flavor to it. Plus it’s yellow, so it made for good dairy free mac and cheese.