Another open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments, supportive comments only!
Categories
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The Mammoth
Neurotic beagle, thank you! You always have the best pics for any occasion.
Kittehserf:
I’d think that honor belongs to mosquitoes.
I’m having the weirdest roundabout serendipity lately.
I just watched this video on apples: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXBA3ovBjfk
Which reminded me of a funny passage from this book: http://www.amazon.com/Cooking-Cooks-Dictionary-Henry-Beard/dp/0894808435
So I did a search for the passage in question online. And found the passage in an internet comment.
http://majikthise.typepad.com/majikthise_/2005/08/elegy_for_the_r.html?cid=8459561#comment-6a00d8341c61e653ef00d8345b1d5953ef
“Yay! That’s the exact quote I was looking for. My thanks anonymous internet comment… Wait. That’s MY comment, made 8 and a half years ago.”
It’s kinda like past you gave present you a little nod and a wave.
LOL true, very true!
My dysphoria has really been hurting me lately, and I’m more desperate than ever to transition. But the only affordable way to transition at this time is to go back to the Bay Area, where (legal) hormones can be found for very cheap. Originally I was completely opposed to following my dad’s plan (he wants my brother to move to Santa Cruz and have me stay in the same space while he helps me and my brother pay the rent). But I have realized that my dad isn’t going to help very much (he just wants to pitch in a little bit), so that means he won’t have complete control over the financial situation of me and my brother while we live in SC. On the one hand, I’m starting to reconsider dad’s offer because it might help me gain affordable access to hormones. On the other hand, I’m very afraid of being emotionally abusive towards me again. I don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry you are feeling so awful. Is it hard to get hormones in Colorado? That sucks. But DON’T GO BACK TO YOUR DAD. Seriously.
Seconding Katz.
The emotionally abusive father absolutely doesn’t need ANY way to get even tiny bits of control over any aspect of your life.
Be safe. Please, please stay safe. You’re a wonderful person and absolutely incredible.
Is there any other way to get access to hormones easily?
Ally, you will be able to transition eventually, but seriously, STAY AWAY FROM YOUR FATHER.
You’re only nineteen – barely an adult, yet you’ve just escaped a dreadful situation. It’s not now-or-never. Of course it’s going to take a while. But you’ve already made the first steps: you’ve got away from him, and found a great therapist. Talk to her about it! Tell her your fears and ask about finding hormones. She’s there to help you and has the professional resources to do so. It isn’t a matter of going back to your father or not being able to transition – and what makes you think that arsehole would really let you do so? Fuck, it’d be handing him more ammunition to abuse you, to control and demean you.
On the money side – you aren’t limited to working in the tech industry. It’s been said before, but apply for every job you can. It’s all experience, it’s all stuff to distract you, and it’s all work to bring in some money to pay your way at your mum’s (or at least help, since I know “living wage” Isn’t A Thing in unskilled labour).
This isn’t some failed experiment or something that has a deadline. It’s a slow and painful process because you’ve the abuse to deal with as well as dysphoria. But you will get there.
Huh, so somewhere inbetween my watercoloring / sketching / coding / drawing / reading session, I ended up building a 27.7 cm tall tower of PEZ.
To my nigh infinite surprise, upon closer expection of the package of PEZ (Having run out of building materials I found myself needing to open another one) it turns out they are, in my country, described as “bonbons”.
I have literally never, ever seen any other kind of candy with that description, but from now on, whenever I see “bonbon”, I’ll finally have a bit of sugarcoated delicacy to think about, and it’s even better because then all the imaginary feminists in my head can laze around nobly using pez dispensers of no doubt misandric design, like hello kitty or a burning penis.
Incidentally, the nice thing about
wastingproductively using 4 hours to build candy towers is that when they inevitably fall down, you can always scoop up the pieces and try a different design, so long as you keep at it.… what I mean to imply there by way of my usual verbose meandering narry-a-point-having, Ally Trans-Commie S, is that you don’t fail at life by having a week off. Or a month off. Or a year off. I spent 9 months staring at the ceiling from my bed and becoming intimately connected with the cracks in that same ceiling because everything just seemed to be wrong and bad and strange and awful and I was a colossal failure and how was I ever going to achieve anything, dear god, I’m XX years old and I don’t have YY accomplishment! And I’m broke! And I have debt! And I treated my first girlfriend like shit, or did, or how do I know, and do other people really exist or am I the only sentient creature in a universe devoid of meaning wait that’s kind of narcissist bollocks! I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to CC.
On and on it goes.
The thing is, it’s okay to have a shitty period of time. You’ll get better. Things will get better.
You are not Just a so-so dysphoric person of ZZ age who will never accomplish anything. You are you, and you have value, and you can start today to work towards what you want, or you can start tomorrow, or when you feel ready, and it will most likely work out to your satisfaction.
Percolating and oscillating up and down periods of anything is fairly reasonable given your general situation. Think about what might make you happy, and then work towards achieving it.
For Ally:
For bad days:
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/da/5c/69/da5c69dd89b0916cae211b31a9ee703e.jpg
Be the cat:
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/14/15/d2/1415d2d90e799c979064d4cc9201f495.jpg
Good Pizza:
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/09/30/9e/09309e845af49b8e14f7505660558049.jpg
@Fibinachi
Feminist pez dispenser:
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/5b/cc/06/5bcc0616a3c732608980fd430ea9c5a3.jpg
Misandry:
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/6f/e8/50/6fe8502c00a2196cb8e97cec8c00c976.jpg
Have you ever tried these? They ok tasting and a lot of fun:
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/1e/b4/95/1eb49557aaa9d648c2323ffcd7ec17f7.jpg
What is that? I could build wonders with that thing!
@katz
I’ll try to ask my therapist about how to access cheap HRT here in Colorado (or ask if she knows any resource that could help me determine that), but so far I think the Bay Area is the best place for things like that. Plus, I have so many radical trans women friends in the Bay Area who have already helped me out with so much. It was through them that I learned about the clinic in San Francisco that serves trans youth and offers everything from HIV/STD testing to very affordable HRT (and it’s an informed consent clinic, so I won’t have to get a therapist’s recommendation in order to get the hormones).
@kittehserf, @contrapangloss
My tentative plan (should I decide to go there) is to get a job there to help pay for rent, and then eventually together if my brother and I do things right we can free ourselves from my dad’s contributions so that he has way less control over our lives. But I hear you; even if that plan does work out, I highly doubt that he would leave us alone. He has made it clear that he won’t allow me to transition unless he’s okay with it, and he hasn’t given me any indication (explicit or otherwise) that he will let me transition.
@Fibinachi
I agree. I’m trying to take things slowly – if possible, I want to make the next few years of my life all about self-care. For far too long I have felt responsible for making everyone unconditionally pleased with me, and sometimes I still feel that if I disappoint or upset even one person by wanting to take care of myself more then I’m horribly misguided and selfish.
Anyway, I’m sorry if I made any of you worried or upset with what I said earlier. I can’t accurately describe how desperate I am to start transitioning, but I hope I haven’t expressed that in a manipulative way to any of you. All of your advice is sound in that going back to an area where my dad can easily get to me (even if it’s at my brother’s place) is unsafe. Besides, if I have to wait until my dad is okay with me transitioning, there’s no chance in hell I’ll be able to transition. Or if I play nice and wait until he gives me permission, I’m afraid of what may happen to me.
Your dad has zero right to give you “permission” to be who you are.
I phrased that badly – of course he has no right to control my life. I’m just talking about a situation in which I only transition once he says he’s okay with it (which is the situation that will come about if I decide to transition in the Bay Area).
You didn’t phrase it badly, it’s just that he doesn’t get a vote. Please talk to your therapist about transition options in CO, your dad is way too toxic to be trusted.
Fun random fact: my great-grandfather had a bakery in Boulder in the 50s and 60s. My dad used to spend summers there and raid the whipped cream in the coolers.
Not only has my dad always been toxic, but my brother has also told me recently that my dad still thinks that gender identity is the same as sexual orientation. And without much detail my brother told me “Sometimes dad still gets really angry about you being trans and thinks that you’re being un-islamic.” Not very good signs so far.
Trust me, you have more odds of getting hormones in CO than you do anywhere near your father.
You have my sympathies, though; had my insurance not covered my hormones, they would’ve cost me more than my month’s rent. (And that’s BOSTON rent, yo.)
Jumping on the “don’t move” bandwagon. Your dad is an abuser, and any help he offers you is going to have strings attached, in order to keep you under his control. It’s always, always going to be about controlling you.
I know it’s painful to feel like you’re letting down everyone you love. The thing is, when you get on an airplane, and they go through the safety drill, the make it clear that, if the oxygen mask drops, you need to put your own on before you help anyone else with theirs.
The reason for that is because, if you pass out from lack of oxygen while you’re helping someone else, and you’re helping them because they’re not able to do it themselves, the person your helping can’t save you. You’re both hooped.
Your dad is cutting off your oxygen supply. Whatever else he offers you in exchange, be it financial help, or offers of love and approval, with the other hand he’s taking control of your oxygen. No matter how much somebody loves you, you need to control your own oxygen.
It is candy version of legos.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0000DJT3C/?tag=059-20
RE: neuroticbeagle
…
8D!!!!
Ally, all the internet hugs I can offer are yours.
I can’t imagine how stressful and terrifying all of this must be, and the idea of being trapped in the wrong body is horrifying and has to be all sorts of scary, and obnoxious to no end when it isn’t horrendous.
I’m more scared for you, though, if you give him a chance to feel like he has any control. Form what I’ve read here, and seen elsewhere, it seems like he’s the type to give an inch, and demand an arm and a leg back for his trouble, while insisting that if you don’t want to give up a leg that means you are horrible and selfish.
It isn’t selfish to want body autonomy. It isn’t selfish to be your own person. You are not selfish.
Maybe he can change, but please don’t bet your safety on it.
As unimaginative says, you probably have a way better chance of starting hormones in Colorado, than anywhere near him.
Heck, you’d have a better shot in a rural village, reachable only by plane and boat, than anywhere near him.
Your therapist would be a good person to talk with, as would your brother IF he promises not to share anything in your conversations with your dad.
Whatever you do, all my hugs! Ultimately, it’s your choice. All my hugs, and all my crossed fingers for an expedited transition and your safety.
Extra hugs, and my pups would like to add a furrinati snuggle.
Also, Ally, even when people aren’t abusers, when they’re supporting you financially, there are strings attached.
When I was having financial difficulties, I moved in with my sister. She was very agreeable about not charging me for rent, because she wanted to give me a leg up, and was very happy to have me help around the house.
Except that she had all kinds of expectations of what that help would be, that she’d never told me about.
I was grateful for the financial assistance, and I didn’t mind helping out because you ALWAYS help with household stuff when you live in a household, but some of the things she expected were too much. It wasn’t anywhere near the scale of being required to live in the wrong body, but lines were crossed, feelings were hurt, and our relationship was strained for a long time after I moved out.
In short, DO NOT give your dad any opening to hook you back into his control.
Ally, my heart aches for you.
I have known three people who transitioned. Two of them were in circumstances similar to yours and, thankfully, after a lot of thought and heartache, they declined the “help” being offered.
After reading your posts and the posts of others responding to you, I have to say that you would be MUCH better off doing this on your own. While your dad may love you, he has too much control over you. You are young and, naturally, want to have the support and respect of your family. But if it comes with that high a price you would be wise to graciously decline. Turn to friends – people who know and love you as you are, not as what they hope you can be.
The advice to talk with your therapist is excellent. If this person is someone you can trust, you will be safe with him/her.
And you do have us. I am amazed at the amount of love and friendship shown on this blog. While most, if not all, of us live far away (I am in Oregon), you can talk with us.
Hold fast to who you are and what YOU want for your life. After all, you are the person you will be living with for the rest of what I hope will be a long and happy life.
If you are afraid that you owe your dad something, take it from someone who has raised four humans in this world. They owe me nothing. You owe your dad nothing. You do, however, owe yourself the very best you can give yourself. And with that, I am off to my granddaughters seventh birthday party. Yay!
Ally, I wish I had good advice, but all I can offer is more hugs.