And that is just the beginning of a wondrous little exchange between a self-described “nice guy” trying out some bad boy charm on a not-very receptive woman on OkCupid who nonetheless deals with his ridiculous assholery with aplomb.
Note to “nice guy.” You might want to reconsider some of your assumptions. And work on your typing.
I found this on the endlessly fascinating, if often deeply disturbing, CreepyPMs subreddit, one of Reddit’s few redeeming features. You can read the rest of the conversation here, and the CreepyPM post here.
The puns… Stop this foliage at once. I mean, holly shit, what’s gotten into all of yew?
Why yew aspen?
My guess: we’re bushed, in kneed of sleep, and have too mulch thyme… It we’re just a bight knotty.
Have a gneiss knight, folks!
*or we’re…
Sleeping now. Whoops!
Well, this is a humor site, acacia haven’t noticed.
And if your sycamore puns, why’d you use so many yourself? Oh, the Hippocrates! 🙂
I can’t tell if y’all are serious orchid!
Don’t give me none of your sassafras or I might just make you walk the plank. 🙂
His personality will protect him against having a wandering willie….
@Cassandra
Wowza. People are defending a guy who is aware that he’s being creepy and in the past has stalked women so aggressively that they delete their Facebook account in order to avoid him.
This creep defender is pretty reality-proof.
Dead on analysis, dude, except she tried “not responding” and it didn’t work, she can’t make “a public spectacle” in private messages and there’s no mention of cops whatsoever.
Of course, a guy who stalks a stranger on Facebook, lies about how he found her, demands a conversation because he can’t take a hint and says that he “would worship” her is behaving normally and is beyond reproach.
Brooked, isn’t it lovely that are all so concerned about the humiliation this guy faced? It never crosses their minds that being harassed is humiliating and scary.
People also really need to wrap their heads around the concept that if someone who works at the mall is nice to you it’s not a sign that they might want to date you (so you should track them down on Facebook), it’s just a sign that they work in retail and don’t want to get fired.
Not at all, Ally!
Granted, I’m a sap for puns of all flavors, barking them out whenever I get the chance. I maple a few bad ones myself sometimes.
WHOA needed to refresh my browser. I thought it had caught up by now! Well, I think this is my cue to make like a tree.
What do you call a pirate who likes trees?
An ar borist.
Some of the comments are genuinely infuriated because this guy is so clearly a potential stalker. A women sells him two LotR action figures and by the time she’s handing him change, he already decided that she’s his geek dream girl. The fact he is already blending reality and fantasy by casting her as his Romana Flowers, Scott Pilgrim’s love interest, is a bad sign. The “I would worship you” at the end is a red flag bigger than any in a North Korean military parade.
The women only conversed with him to find out how he found her, she eloquently calls him on his shit and gets real aggressive in order to make it clear he has to stay fuck away from her.
He met her at the store on Wed (2/12), successfully hunted her down on FB by Sun (2/16), ‘the let me worship you manic pixie girl’ spiel is on Fri (2/21), he goes back to the store on Sat (2/22), and pesters her for a conversation while claiming he’s a nice guy on Sun (2/23).
I love how creep defenders downplay how outrageous his behavior is and condemn the women who forcefully told this stalker to fuck off and leave her alone. She didn’t focus on the man’s feeling, burn the witch!
The problem with “nice guys” is that they’re as phony as a tree dollar bill.
Best comment was the one that basically said “this needed to be posted here because this community’s most vocal members are just like this guy”. Funny story – my friend’s boyfriend has worked in what I guess you could call geek media for years (gaming magazine, Something Awful, and so on), and even he considers Kotaku to have the most weird, creepy, socially clueless and really aggressive about it commenters around. I’m not quite sure why, but that site has always been unusual even by gaming or anime fansite standards for how dedicated to not getting it the commenters there are. They make the guys who hang out on 4chan look like Ryan Gosling.
Cloudiah:
It’s the Apex Fallacy. If you only look at the last comments in a plant-related pun thread, they will be disproportionately heavy with obscure botanical terminology. In other words, pun threads tend to have basoapically increasing levels of complexity and frivolity, if not juvenility.
***applause*** just ****applause**** to all of you
Emilygoddess:
You feminists just laugh at the hapless Betula male in the OP.
Just for people who might not otherwise connect:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betula
Wattle you do next?
The problem with ‘nice guys’ is that they’re convinced they get to label themselves. They also weirdly seem to think that labelling themselves with some negative qualities means they get to automatically be granted good ones without question. Do you suffer from acne, near-sightedness, or an inability to form a six-pack? Well, you can get one of the following free: ‘nice’, ‘faithful’, or ‘supportive’. Use it as the ultimate bandaid to hide the fact that you’re really entitled, selfish, and manipulative! Buy two, get the third free! Money back guarantee, if you get put in the friend-zone!
Not to mention, I’m not sure why they would think women in particular should be impressed by it, seeing as many cultures socialise women to be nice or else. It’s like bragging about doggy-paddling across the pool to an Olympic swimmer who has had an abusive coach their entire life. The ability to be ‘nice’ is not impressive. ‘Nice’ is an outward manner affected to handle or de-escalate a situation in a way agreeable to the other person and/or onlookers. The person being nice could have entirely different internal feelings about the person they are acting nice towards. Goodness knows there have been situations where I’ve been nice towards people to pacify their ego and protect myself while mentally trying to set fire to them with my eyeballs.
Ngl, I’d rather go on a date with a straightforward asshole rather than one of these, “I’m just being mean so you’ll talk to me but I’m normally nice!” saddos. At least the former is honest. I can only imagine attempting a relationship with someone whose first words word blatant attempts at emotional manipulation. Yeah not gonna waste my sympathy on someone who is cool with being an asshole if it gets him further when the shitty plan doesn’t work.
Godwin’s Law: as the length of a tree pun thread increases, the likelihood that someone will invoke the knotsies approaches 1.
Another problem with Nice Guys is that they make the mistake of thinking life is a movie with a conventional narrative arc. Obviously they’re the protagonist, the One True Human who is inherently attractive without having to do any growth or self-reflection. The Nice Guy will spend hours and hours thinking about reasons he would reject somebody, and zero hours thinking about why someone might reject him. Other people are just two-dimensional CGI props who exist to support him, the hero, on his journey. Cardboard manic pixie cutouts aren’t allowed to have their own dreams and desires separate from the hero. Nice Guys literally can’t understand that. “But….but….it was in the script that we were supposed to meet cute at Hot Topic!”
In reality, life is an awkward chaotic mess with billions of overlapping storylines, and we’re all supporting characters to each other. That’s what true niceness is really about.