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Slit Ass Birch Ho: The sad tale of a nice guy thwarted

slitass2slitass3

And that is just the beginning of a wondrous little exchange between a self-described “nice guy” trying out some bad boy charm on a not-very receptive woman on OkCupid who nonetheless deals with his ridiculous assholery with aplomb.

Note to “nice guy.” You might want to reconsider some of your assumptions. And work on your typing.

I found this on the endlessly fascinating, if often deeply disturbing, CreepyPMs subreddit, one of Reddit’s few redeeming features. You can read the rest of the conversation here, and the CreepyPM post here.

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Amnesia
Amnesia
7 years ago

The puns… Stop this foliage at once. I mean, holly shit, what’s gotten into all of yew?

contrapangloss
7 years ago

Why yew aspen?

My guess: we’re bushed, in kneed of sleep, and have too mulch thyme… It we’re just a bight knotty.

Have a gneiss knight, folks!

contrapangloss
7 years ago

*or we’re…

Sleeping now. Whoops!

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

The puns… Stop this foliage at once. I mean, holly shit, what’s gotten into all of yew?

Well, this is a humor site, acacia haven’t noticed.

And if your sycamore puns, why’d you use so many yourself? Oh, the Hippocrates! 🙂

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

I can’t tell if y’all are serious orchid!

Amnesia
Amnesia
7 years ago

Don’t give me none of your sassafras or I might just make you walk the plank. 🙂

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
7 years ago

His personality will protect him against having a wandering willie….

Brooked
Brooked
7 years ago

@Cassandra

So here is what I have been thinking. You haven’t blocked me yet. And you haven’t deleted your account either. So you aren’t to creeped out by me tracking you down.”

Wowza. People are defending a guy who is aware that he’s being creepy and in the past has stalked women so aggressively that they delete their Facebook account in order to avoid him.

This creep defender is pretty reality-proof.

No one is under any obligation to respond to anyone else. However, deliberately going out of your way to make a public spectacle of the way you reject someone goes well beyond just not responding. And Jesus Christ, no, you don’t call the cops because someone messaged you on Facebook. The glorification of overreactions for the sake of clicks and likes and upvotes under the guise of personal empowerment is one of the most terrifying things about the internet.

Dead on analysis, dude, except she tried “not responding” and it didn’t work, she can’t make “a public spectacle” in private messages and there’s no mention of cops whatsoever.

Of course, a guy who stalks a stranger on Facebook, lies about how he found her, demands a conversation because he can’t take a hint and says that he “would worship” her is behaving normally and is beyond reproach.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

Brooked, isn’t it lovely that are all so concerned about the humiliation this guy faced? It never crosses their minds that being harassed is humiliating and scary.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
7 years ago

People also really need to wrap their heads around the concept that if someone who works at the mall is nice to you it’s not a sign that they might want to date you (so you should track them down on Facebook), it’s just a sign that they work in retail and don’t want to get fired.

AIT
AIT
7 years ago

Not at all, Ally!

Granted, I’m a sap for puns of all flavors, barking them out whenever I get the chance. I maple a few bad ones myself sometimes.

AIT
AIT
7 years ago

WHOA needed to refresh my browser. I thought it had caught up by now! Well, I think this is my cue to make like a tree.

kittehserf
7 years ago

What do you call a pirate who likes trees?

An ar borist.

Brooked
Brooked
7 years ago

Some of the comments are genuinely infuriated because this guy is so clearly a potential stalker. A women sells him two LotR action figures and by the time she’s handing him change, he already decided that she’s his geek dream girl. The fact he is already blending reality and fantasy by casting her as his Romana Flowers, Scott Pilgrim’s love interest, is a bad sign. The “I would worship you” at the end is a red flag bigger than any in a North Korean military parade.

The women only conversed with him to find out how he found her, she eloquently calls him on his shit and gets real aggressive in order to make it clear he has to stay fuck away from her.

He met her at the store on Wed (2/12), successfully hunted her down on FB by Sun (2/16), ‘the let me worship you manic pixie girl’ spiel is on Fri (2/21), he goes back to the store on Sat (2/22), and pesters her for a conversation while claiming he’s a nice guy on Sun (2/23).

I love how creep defenders downplay how outrageous his behavior is and condemn the women who forcefully told this stalker to fuck off and leave her alone. She didn’t focus on the man’s feeling, burn the witch!

volt
volt
7 years ago

The problem with “nice guys” is that they’re as phony as a tree dollar bill.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
7 years ago

Best comment was the one that basically said “this needed to be posted here because this community’s most vocal members are just like this guy”. Funny story – my friend’s boyfriend has worked in what I guess you could call geek media for years (gaming magazine, Something Awful, and so on), and even he considers Kotaku to have the most weird, creepy, socially clueless and really aggressive about it commenters around. I’m not quite sure why, but that site has always been unusual even by gaming or anime fansite standards for how dedicated to not getting it the commenters there are. They make the guys who hang out on 4chan look like Ryan Gosling.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
7 years ago

Cloudiah:

Probably it cambium me.

(Hey, I came late to the party, so my puns HAVE to be obscure.)

It’s the Apex Fallacy. If you only look at the last comments in a plant-related pun thread, they will be disproportionately heavy with obscure botanical terminology. In other words, pun threads tend to have basoapically increasing levels of complexity and frivolity, if not juvenility.

BigMomma
7 years ago

***applause*** just ****applause**** to all of you

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
7 years ago

Emilygoddess:

Are we doing genus names now? That’s one of my quercus!

You feminists just laugh at the hapless Betula male in the OP.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
7 years ago

Just for people who might not otherwise connect:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betula

BigMomma
7 years ago

Wattle you do next?

zippydoo
zippydoo
7 years ago

The problem with ‘nice guys’ is that they’re convinced they get to label themselves. They also weirdly seem to think that labelling themselves with some negative qualities means they get to automatically be granted good ones without question. Do you suffer from acne, near-sightedness, or an inability to form a six-pack? Well, you can get one of the following free: ‘nice’, ‘faithful’, or ‘supportive’. Use it as the ultimate bandaid to hide the fact that you’re really entitled, selfish, and manipulative! Buy two, get the third free! Money back guarantee, if you get put in the friend-zone!

Not to mention, I’m not sure why they would think women in particular should be impressed by it, seeing as many cultures socialise women to be nice or else. It’s like bragging about doggy-paddling across the pool to an Olympic swimmer who has had an abusive coach their entire life. The ability to be ‘nice’ is not impressive. ‘Nice’ is an outward manner affected to handle or de-escalate a situation in a way agreeable to the other person and/or onlookers. The person being nice could have entirely different internal feelings about the person they are acting nice towards. Goodness knows there have been situations where I’ve been nice towards people to pacify their ego and protect myself while mentally trying to set fire to them with my eyeballs.

Jessay (@jessay)
7 years ago

Ngl, I’d rather go on a date with a straightforward asshole rather than one of these, “I’m just being mean so you’ll talk to me but I’m normally nice!” saddos. At least the former is honest. I can only imagine attempting a relationship with someone whose first words word blatant attempts at emotional manipulation. Yeah not gonna waste my sympathy on someone who is cool with being an asshole if it gets him further when the shitty plan doesn’t work.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

It’s the Apex Fallacy. If you only look at the last comments in a plant-related pun thread, they will be disproportionately heavy with obscure botanical terminology. In other words, pun threads tend to have basoapically increasing levels of complexity and frivolity

Godwin’s Law: as the length of a tree pun thread increases, the likelihood that someone will invoke the knotsies approaches 1.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

Another problem with Nice Guys is that they make the mistake of thinking life is a movie with a conventional narrative arc. Obviously they’re the protagonist, the One True Human who is inherently attractive without having to do any growth or self-reflection. The Nice Guy will spend hours and hours thinking about reasons he would reject somebody, and zero hours thinking about why someone might reject him. Other people are just two-dimensional CGI props who exist to support him, the hero, on his journey. Cardboard manic pixie cutouts aren’t allowed to have their own dreams and desires separate from the hero. Nice Guys literally can’t understand that. “But….but….it was in the script that we were supposed to meet cute at Hot Topic!”

In reality, life is an awkward chaotic mess with billions of overlapping storylines, and we’re all supporting characters to each other. That’s what true niceness is really about.

Kim
Kim
7 years ago

I think there needs to be a Nice Guy meme to go with the Good Guy Greg meme, that points up the differences. It’d be nice if the Good Girl Gina meme could be reclaimed from the sexist jerks as well.

Viscaria
Viscaria
7 years ago

Ugh, I just did a search for Good Girl Gina memes and now I want to crawl back into bed and never get out.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

But Viscaria, you’re the ultimate plant pun! (I just woke up, my funny isn’t working yet)

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
7 years ago

From what I recall, Good Guy Greg isn’t that consistent either. Sometimes he’s genuinely altruistic. Sometimes his act would be better described as just common decency. Sometimes he abuses his position by favoring *you* at someone/everyone else’s expense.

Plus there was a huge argument on whether he actually smokes pot or not.

cloudiah
7 years ago

:: waves at Big Momma ::

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

Oh, the Youmightbewrong asshole from Kotaku/Gawker/Jezebel. He’s a prize pig.

opium4themasses
opium4themasses
7 years ago

Being Nice is about more than common decency. These guys need to learn more about Hume-anity.

The hardest part about reading creepypms is realizing/remembering the asshole I have been in the past, but damn I feel like I was never THIS bad. The worst thing I can wish upon them is self-awareness and the pain of true growth.

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
7 years ago

What bugs about Kotaku is that I feel like I am often linked to really good articles on that site. And then the comments are just…. aopsudilfkjasd;f <- head slamming into keyboard.

takshak
takshak
7 years ago

Of course women are *never* socially awkward, their magical ability to intuit the feelings and motives of others springs fully formed from their menses. I hope these shitweasels get eaten last.

Viscaria
Viscaria
7 years ago

But Viscaria, you’re the ultimate plant pun! (I just woke up, my funny isn’t working yet)

XD you’re right! How could I have failed to use the fact that I AM a plant in the plant punning?!

deniseeliza
deniseeliza
7 years ago

Of course women are *never* socially awkward, their magical ability to intuit the feelings and motives of others springs fully formed from their menses. I hope these shitweasels get eaten last.

Just wanted to see it again. *applaud*

Arete
Arete
7 years ago

Jessay

Ngl, I’d rather go on a date with a straightforward asshole rather than one of these, “I’m just being mean so you’ll talk to me but I’m normally nice!” saddos. At least the former is honest. I can only imagine attempting a relationship with someone whose first words word blatant attempts at emotional manipulation. Yeah not gonna waste my sympathy on someone who is cool with being an asshole if it gets him further when the shitty plan doesn’t work.

Yeah, there is no such thing as a genuinely nice person who is ok with being mean for the sake of manipulation. If your outlook is “I’m going to act like an asshole, because then women will do what I want,” you are not a nice guy “acting” like an asshole. You have become the real thing.

kittehserf
7 years ago

::waves::

Hi, Big Momma!

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

Update: I replied to OP of that horrible thread on Kotaku. He accused me of trying to make it a gendered thing when it wasn’t.
I tried to explain to him again that women are constantly harassed and by necessity must develop defense mechanism against. I tried to explain that by ignoring the reality of the gendered harassment we constantly receive he is being sexist by empathizing with the harasser whether he means to be sexist or not.
We’ll see if it gets through to him. Probably not.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

Sorry to keep harping on about this, but I really want people to see this hilarious exchange. A familiar name will pop up.

Why is she obligated to be nice?

She’s not, of course. But imagine the kind of blow up if this were an article of an unattractive lady internet stalking and admiring a good looking guy, who then proceeded to tell her to seek her Twilight-idolations elsewhere.

Jezebel would blow up in righteous fury about how men are horrible and everyone would get in to defend the lady about how she just wanted someone to return those feelings.

It doesn’t make this case OK, nor the guy’s behavior any less creepster, but it does shed some light on what we’re willing to frown upon. Today 2:31am

weirwoodtreehuggerUCountCagliostro

Citation needed. I have never seen a post on Jezebel about it being OK for women to harass men. 50 minutes ago

CountCagliostroUweirwoodtreehugger

It’s cute that you are asking me for evidence on that, when I never said that they had stated or would state that. Read what I wrote again, and take your time.

Or, if you really want to defend Jezebel, you might want to read these first: http://judgybitch.com/tag/jezebel-ha

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kyria-abrahams

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

So the Count never said that Jezebel would have done what the Count says Jezebel would have done? My head hurts.

Chie Satonaka
Chie Satonaka
7 years ago

Gah, that Kotaku thread! Freaky. I know I’ve told this story here before, but I once had a guy use the address information on my check to follow me home after I’d picked up some takeout food. I was only around 20 or 21, and had no idea how to handle it, so I cowered behind my apartment door and waited for him to go away, then ignored the 20 phone calls he made (remember when we used to have our phone numbers on our checks? why did we DO that?!). It really scared the hell out of me.

Now with social media, the creeps can find you almost instantly.

Bina
Bina
7 years ago

If your outlook is “I’m going to act like an asshole, because then women will do what I want,” you are not a nice guy “acting” like an asshole. You have become the real thing.

…or have been all along, more likely, and just looking for an excuse.

And oh, how I love Can’t-Count Cagliostro for referencing Judgy Bozo and Pretentious Twit Catalog…yeah, THOSE are credible sources.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

I had to bail on the Kotaku thread before my head exploded from all the creeper defending going on.

vaiyt
7 years ago

Kotaku is a cesspit even by the usual low standards of gamers. I don’t know how things are now, but even the editors used to be juvenile idiots back in the day, so it’s no surprise to me that they built up a shitty community.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

You mean BALE, hellkell?

And yeah, I have a special grievance against the sad sack geek boys who desperately wanted me to be his Manic Pixie Dream Vagina. I ended up responsible for chasing them away, most of the time, because DAMN, were they intent on reading their crappy “pretty girls never look at me” poetry to us (when we specifically said we don’t like poetry) and hitting on us in D&D and talking about how we weren’t like those OTHER girls…

I have no patience for the “be nice to those guys!” either. I’m a guy. I should be called on when I’m being a creeper. This isn’t rocket surgery.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: auggziliary

Where the fuck are these feminists defending creepy, over imposing women?

Their ass. That’s where they pull everything else, after all.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

LBT: Good one.

I hit eject right when “but he’s on the spectrum” was trotted out to excuse dude’s lack of boundaries and shitty behavior.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: hellkell

I hit eject right when “but he’s on the spectrum”

Every time someone uses this excuse, one of my autistic friends cry. Please, think of the autistic people.

leftwingfox
7 years ago

Is there ANY tech/gaming site that has decent comments? I keep calling them the Pit of Despair (everything sucks, especially you, lol no u).