Also, kind of a weird thing I figure I’ll use the open thread for.
As folks here generally know, 2012 and 2013 were really bad years for me, full of poverty, homelessness, and mental illness. I have now been stably housed for a month, have money for necessities of life, and though I’m still waiting on food stamps and health insurance, I am no longer operating on a base survival level.
This is a really good thing, obviously, but now I guess it’s just finally sinking in just how bad those years were, and the shit I had to do to keep myself alive. Like, obviously I’ve survived the ordeal, but I still have very little energy and I look pretty haggard, and my other system-mates have been trying to gently introduce me to the idea that I may have done myself permanent damage. I pretty much ran the front through those bad years, and I’m the damage sink of the system, but I might have finally wrecked myself for good.
Obviously, I’m hoping this isn’t true, but it’s also hard to deal with the idea that it is. I was always the worker of the system, the person who could survive any trauma or horror, and now… I don’t know. I guess I’m just dealing with the transition of my identity from “workaholic survivor of everything” to “mental geriatric who needs to be retired,” plus the residual D8 of those bad years I staggered through.
Thanks for letting me talk, anyway. I don’t really think there’s anything to be done about this stuff, just time and rest, I guess.
*hugs* yes, yes it is. As for nothing to be done about it…take Sneak houseplant shopping? Zie’d be thrilled and maybe that’d make you feel a bit better? Ignore me if that bit of advice is out of line!
Oh, though…Sneak? Would you like an African violet? I made some babies for Pecunium but ended up with too many…I intend to give them away once it’s warm enough to safely transport them, so if Rogan okay’s it, you can totally have one! 🙂
Yes it is. And… That’s perfectly okay. I find it commendable that your system managed to pull through a year that, when viewed in snippets through this comment section, must have been quite damned full of suck.
Rogan, lots of non-contact or Furrinati hugs. I hope you can rest, and the others can step up for fronting for a while – Miranda used to do some, didn’t she?
I had another out-of-body experience this morning – can’t really tell too much about it cos 1) TMI and 2) doing that in earthly bodies in public would have got us arrested. 😉 Funny thing was, last night I thought of this as in body rather than out of body, like everything’s more integrated, even though I’m seeing from two perspectives when it happens. (To clarify: seeing from a sitting-up position and seeing from a lyingj-down position, alternately.)
That strange little train of thought came from doing those pics of Mr Bathing K. last night, asking him if he liked them (yes) and then if he takes more pleasure in his body these days. He said no, but in the sense that it’s not body/mind/soul divide over There, it’s all the one thing, and the senses/physical world aren’t separated.
No I haven’t been smoking anything, before anyone asks! 😛
What I really hope is that I’ll hear him more clearly and consistently. It’s wonderful to have more physical contact, but what I really, really want on this side is uninterrupted, clear conversations – and they’re the hardest things to get, Of Bloody Course.
Still, I’m not knocking having an endorphin rush in the morning.
Quoth the Sneak: Eeee! Plant! @_@ What kind of care does an African violet need? I’ll happily take one! 😀
RE: Fibinachi, cloudiah, and Marie
Thanks. Just… bleh. I’ve had folks asking me when I’m going to return to the workforce, and I’m like, “Are you kidding? I’m still getting used to having a bed and heat, I just want to fucking SLEEP for a bajillion years.”
RE: auggziliary
…I am really confused, because pro-ana and anti-ana would be totally different things. One is against the narrative that anorexia is a lifestyle choice, and one is for it. I don’t see how one could be both, unless the person or people involved had different opinions or had changed over time. Can you give me some examples here?
But DO NOT LINK ME TO PRO-ANA STUFF, Auggz, unless you warn me first. In recovery myself, and the last time I accidentally hit one of those pages, there was not enough bleach for my brain.
Marie
10 years ago
@auggz
Can someone explain the overlap with pro-ana and anti ana stuff?
No clue, sorry :/
@kittehs
Marie, have some guinea pig and capybara hugs.
Daww, thanks :3 They’re so cute.
What I really hope is that I’ll hear him more clearly and consistently. It’s wonderful to have more physical contact, but what I really, really want on this side is uninterrupted, clear conversations – and they’re the hardest things to get, Of Bloody Course.
aww :3 I hope you get more clear conversations, too.
@auggz
Oh god, I had a nightmare last night about a capybara chewing off my leg.
Dunno if my shit would apply to yours, but I can give you some guided visualization exercises that I used to use, if you like. A lot of multis are taught it to make communication easier, but I learned it because I was really sick of having such a flaky connection.
I… guess that could be like the thing I did once, with taking 170 grams of protein a day in addition to normal food, to try? Prefaced by the idea that your system will shrivel up and die if you continue that for long?
That’s… possibly the same sort of thing – “You can try this for a bit to see what happens, it’s cool! But I wouldn’t recommend it for long”. Other than that I find the idea of an overlap between pro and anti ana being utterly confusing.
I don’t! Send it on down to me. I’m loonybrain at healthymultiplicity.com
RE: auggziliary
Sounds like either a bot that just grabs everything with ED/pro-ana tags or someone who is reaaaaaally conflicted about who they are and what they’re doing. Perhaps they’re accustomed to pro-ana or have a lot of pro-ana friends and are trying to break away from it, or vice versa?
Well, it seems that my stomach-upset anxiety is back. :{ My dad is apparently “going crazy” according to my step-mom and my brother and he’s looking all over the place for me – including my school. He hasn’t even eaten in 2 days apparently
For fuck’s sake, you’ve escaped the house of a violent and abusive man. Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour! He’s the one to blame, he’s the manipulator and abuser, and you’re his victim, not the one doing anything to him! Would you blame your little sisters for escaping from him? No. Stop blaming yourself!
Seriously, I’m really worried about this. Don’t let abuser-induced guilt undermine you. I seriously think that man would injure or kill you if he got near you again now. Please DO NOT let this get to you!
Ally, YOU didn’t do anything to HIM! He’s the one who forced you into this situation. He’s the one who’s doing this to himself. If he were willing to accept you for who you are none of this would be an issue. He’s the abuser, not you!
No, no, no. YOU haven’t done anything. HE’S the one refusing food. HE’S the one looking for you. These are HIS behaviors, not yours. This is not your responsibility. He is the parent, you are the child. You are not responsible for his behavior. If he wanted to keep you around, he shouldn’t have threatened you and your family with physical violence.
I’m sorry guys; I had a self-loathing anxiety attack. I’m ok now. I talked to my dad via Skype and he seems to have calmed down as well, especially after hearing my voice. Unfortunately he is currently experiencing intense psychological delusions, telling me about how he found me under the bed and that I need to eat breakfast because I “look sick and weak.” And then he kept repeating over and over again “Remember to kiss your mother’s feet because it is through taking care of your mother that you will go to paradise.”
Kim
10 years ago
I just need to try new interesting things to do and think. I should try something creative or craft related.
Way behind on this thread, but I wanted to suggest doing zentangles. They are repetative in nature so they are quite relaxing, and you build them from small, easy elements, so they are easy to do, but when you combine lots of small elements together they can be very beautiful so you have something to share with people at the end.
http://tanglepatterns.com/ is a great resource for patterns. But if you google zentangles you will find soo many lovely finished ones.
Geez, I hope that attack’s over! Fucking scary things even without major real causes (ie. asshole parent) triggering them.
As to his problems – they’re still HIS problems. This isn’t the first time he’s had delusions like this, is it? Nothing short of self-awareness leading to therapy’s gonna help him, and we all know what the odds are of that happening.
he’s looking all over the place for me – including my school. He hasn’t even eaten in 2 days apparently
Ally, this is not normal behaviour. It is NOT your fault. You are taking care of yourself, HE is acting in non-standard and, more importantly, non-harmful ways. (I absolutely don’t mean this as a slight against our members with mental illness, who do not intentionally hurt the people around them. I mean, your dad is displaying malevolent behaviour. This behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT. HE is choosing to react this way to your taking care of yourself.
IF you go to Colorado, please make sure you have a way to send out a bat-signal if you need to be rescued and they take away your phone and internet. Like, if someone you trust hasn’t heard from you at X o’clock on DATE Y, they call the police and hand over documents outlining your dad’s abusive and threatening behaviour.
And if that documentation doesn’t exist, start writing now.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Also, kind of a weird thing I figure I’ll use the open thread for.
As folks here generally know, 2012 and 2013 were really bad years for me, full of poverty, homelessness, and mental illness. I have now been stably housed for a month, have money for necessities of life, and though I’m still waiting on food stamps and health insurance, I am no longer operating on a base survival level.
This is a really good thing, obviously, but now I guess it’s just finally sinking in just how bad those years were, and the shit I had to do to keep myself alive. Like, obviously I’ve survived the ordeal, but I still have very little energy and I look pretty haggard, and my other system-mates have been trying to gently introduce me to the idea that I may have done myself permanent damage. I pretty much ran the front through those bad years, and I’m the damage sink of the system, but I might have finally wrecked myself for good.
Obviously, I’m hoping this isn’t true, but it’s also hard to deal with the idea that it is. I was always the worker of the system, the person who could survive any trauma or horror, and now… I don’t know. I guess I’m just dealing with the transition of my identity from “workaholic survivor of everything” to “mental geriatric who needs to be retired,” plus the residual D8 of those bad years I staggered through.
Thanks for letting me talk, anyway. I don’t really think there’s anything to be done about this stuff, just time and rest, I guess.
@LBT
Hugs from me, if wanted. I hope you can recover.
LBT, you’ve definitely had a difficult stretch. More e-hugs if they’re wanted, and wishes for rest, recovery, and healing.
TL;DR: Being disabled is HARD, baww.
*hugs* yes, yes it is. As for nothing to be done about it…take Sneak houseplant shopping? Zie’d be thrilled and maybe that’d make you feel a bit better? Ignore me if that bit of advice is out of line!
Oh, though…Sneak? Would you like an African violet? I made some babies for Pecunium but ended up with too many…I intend to give them away once it’s warm enough to safely transport them, so if Rogan okay’s it, you can totally have one! 🙂
Yes it is. And… That’s perfectly okay. I find it commendable that your system managed to pull through a year that, when viewed in snippets through this comment section, must have been quite damned full of suck.
E-hugs from me, and all the best.
Rogan, lots of non-contact or Furrinati hugs. I hope you can rest, and the others can step up for fronting for a while – Miranda used to do some, didn’t she?
Marie, have some guinea
pig
and
capybara
hugs.
I had another out-of-body experience this morning – can’t really tell too much about it cos 1) TMI and 2) doing that in earthly bodies in public would have got us arrested. 😉 Funny thing was, last night I thought of this as in body rather than out of body, like everything’s more integrated, even though I’m seeing from two perspectives when it happens. (To clarify: seeing from a sitting-up position and seeing from a lyingj-down position, alternately.)
That strange little train of thought came from doing those pics of Mr Bathing K. last night, asking him if he liked them (yes) and then if he takes more pleasure in his body these days. He said no, but in the sense that it’s not body/mind/soul divide over There, it’s all the one thing, and the senses/physical world aren’t separated.
No I haven’t been smoking anything, before anyone asks! 😛
What I really hope is that I’ll hear him more clearly and consistently. It’s wonderful to have more physical contact, but what I really, really want on this side is uninterrupted, clear conversations – and they’re the hardest things to get, Of Bloody Course.
Still, I’m not knocking having an endorphin rush in the morning.
RE: Argenti
Quoth the Sneak: Eeee! Plant! @_@ What kind of care does an African violet need? I’ll happily take one! 😀
RE: Fibinachi, cloudiah, and Marie
Thanks. Just… bleh. I’ve had folks asking me when I’m going to return to the workforce, and I’m like, “Are you kidding? I’m still getting used to having a bed and heat, I just want to fucking SLEEP for a bajillion years.”
RE: auggziliary
…I am really confused, because pro-ana and anti-ana would be totally different things. One is against the narrative that anorexia is a lifestyle choice, and one is for it. I don’t see how one could be both, unless the person or people involved had different opinions or had changed over time. Can you give me some examples here?
But DO NOT LINK ME TO PRO-ANA STUFF, Auggz, unless you warn me first. In recovery myself, and the last time I accidentally hit one of those pages, there was not enough bleach for my brain.
@auggz
No clue, sorry :/
@kittehs
Marie, have some guinea pig and capybara hugs.
Daww, thanks :3 They’re so cute.
aww :3 I hope you get more clear conversations, too.
@auggz
O_o that sounds fairly scary.
RE: Kittehs
Dunno if my shit would apply to yours, but I can give you some guided visualization exercises that I used to use, if you like. A lot of multis are taught it to make communication easier, but I learned it because I was really sick of having such a flaky connection.
Huh.
I… guess that could be like the thing I did once, with taking 170 grams of protein a day in addition to normal food, to try? Prefaced by the idea that your system will shrivel up and die if you continue that for long?
That’s… possibly the same sort of thing – “You can try this for a bit to see what happens, it’s cool! But I wouldn’t recommend it for long”. Other than that I find the idea of an overlap between pro and anti ana being utterly confusing.
LBT – YES PLZ! with sugar on top!
Have you got my email?
RE: Kittehs
I don’t! Send it on down to me. I’m loonybrain at healthymultiplicity.com
RE: auggziliary
Sounds like either a bot that just grabs everything with ED/pro-ana tags or someone who is reaaaaaally conflicted about who they are and what they’re doing. Perhaps they’re accustomed to pro-ana or have a lot of pro-ana friends and are trying to break away from it, or vice versa?
Actually I’d love those as well, LBT.
frenchqueen 13 at gmail is emailing now! 🙂
Well, it seems that my stomach-upset anxiety is back. :{ My dad is apparently “going crazy” according to my step-mom and my brother and he’s looking all over the place for me – including my school. He hasn’t even eaten in 2 days apparently
I feel so horrible and selfish. What have I done?
Ally, you are not horrible and selfish!
For fuck’s sake, you’ve escaped the house of a violent and abusive man. Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour! He’s the one to blame, he’s the manipulator and abuser, and you’re his victim, not the one doing anything to him! Would you blame your little sisters for escaping from him? No. Stop blaming yourself!
Seriously, I’m really worried about this. Don’t let abuser-induced guilt undermine you. I seriously think that man would injure or kill you if he got near you again now. Please DO NOT let this get to you!
Ally, YOU didn’t do anything to HIM! He’s the one who forced you into this situation. He’s the one who’s doing this to himself. If he were willing to accept you for who you are none of this would be an issue. He’s the abuser, not you!
RE: Fibinachi
Actually I’d love those as well, LBT
Sure. Where do I email ya?
RE: Ally
I feel so horrible and selfish. What have I done?
No, no, no. YOU haven’t done anything. HE’S the one refusing food. HE’S the one looking for you. These are HIS behaviors, not yours. This is not your responsibility. He is the parent, you are the child. You are not responsible for his behavior. If he wanted to keep you around, he shouldn’t have threatened you and your family with physical violence.
I’m sorry guys; I had a self-loathing anxiety attack. I’m ok now. I talked to my dad via Skype and he seems to have calmed down as well, especially after hearing my voice. Unfortunately he is currently experiencing intense psychological delusions, telling me about how he found me under the bed and that I need to eat breakfast because I “look sick and weak.” And then he kept repeating over and over again “Remember to kiss your mother’s feet because it is through taking care of your mother that you will go to paradise.”
Way behind on this thread, but I wanted to suggest doing zentangles. They are repetative in nature so they are quite relaxing, and you build them from small, easy elements, so they are easy to do, but when you combine lots of small elements together they can be very beautiful so you have something to share with people at the end.
http://tanglepatterns.com/ is a great resource for patterns. But if you google zentangles you will find soo many lovely finished ones.
RE: Ally
…back away slowly, that’s all I can say.
Geez, I hope that attack’s over! Fucking scary things even without major real causes (ie. asshole parent) triggering them.
As to his problems – they’re still HIS problems. This isn’t the first time he’s had delusions like this, is it? Nothing short of self-awareness leading to therapy’s gonna help him, and we all know what the odds are of that happening.
Ally, this is not normal behaviour. It is NOT your fault. You are taking care of yourself, HE is acting in non-standard and, more importantly, non-harmful ways. (I absolutely don’t mean this as a slight against our members with mental illness, who do not intentionally hurt the people around them. I mean, your dad is displaying malevolent behaviour. This behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT. HE is choosing to react this way to your taking care of yourself.
IF you go to Colorado, please make sure you have a way to send out a bat-signal if you need to be rescued and they take away your phone and internet. Like, if someone you trust hasn’t heard from you at X o’clock on DATE Y, they call the police and hand over documents outlining your dad’s abusive and threatening behaviour.
And if that documentation doesn’t exist, start writing now.