@Fibinachi: don’t be hard on yourself over this. It’s really easy to be an outsider and give advice because I’m not having to deal with all the emotional crap as well. I have missed “obvious” decision options I “should have” taken when it’s been me in the middle of emotional crap. If you want, you can frame it as: when one is in the middle of a fight-or-flight situation (which this is), higher level cognitive functioning tends to go out the window.
So none of this is “on you”. This is what happens when people deal with enormous amounts of emotional crap.
I hope you’re feeling better about yourself. Stuff your sister, it’s *you* I’m concerned about.
Fibs: Even if she was the awesomest sister in the world and your absolute favorite person ever, it would still be your ethical responsibility not to do her academic work for her. You’re doing the right thing.
I recently told my trans-friendly aunt about medical transitioning, and she did react with some concern because she’s not very familiar with such medical treatments in general. But at the end of the email she said she trusts that I’m being careful enough because she thinks I’m already careful with my younger siblings and cousins. I know it’s just a small thing, but it really made me happy to hear that from her. So many people I know think that transitioning is self-destructive.
Hey all. Sorry for this, but I think it’s worthwhile.
One of my favourite movie critics, Maryann Johanson, at http://www.flickfilosopher.com, currently has a subscription drive at her website, looking for more readers.
I’ve found her clever and insightful, and she has good taste in geeky movies. She brings a good feminist critique of Hollywood films that tends to be lacking in a lot of mainstream reviews. She’s trying to run the website solo and ad-free on a subscription model and could really use some additional support.
Please take a peek, and consider subscribing.
Thanks!
(PS: Very glad to hear about reunited kitties and good aunts. 🙂 )
Well done, Fibinachi. I agree, she didn’t deserve your help. Our brother was less of a dick, and I STILL refused to do his damn homework for him as a matter of principle. If I had to go through the damn busywork, so did he, because that’s not something that goes away as an adult.
I cheated on an essay once, something for fourth-form maths. Wouldn’t have made any difference to my scores, I was failing anyway, and mercifully I could drop it at the end of the year. It just saved me some headaches when a friend gave me hers from the previous year.
maggiesausage
10 years ago
Back in my day, the going rate was a bottle of wine for copy-editing, and a fake ID for a stint as research assistant. Full-on ghostwriting wasn’t even on the agenda!
Speaking of movie reviews, does anyone listen to the We Hate Movies podcast? They basically talk about a movie for 2 hours and talk about all the terrible things about it (and sometimes how that terribleness makes it awesome). It’s 4 dudes who swear a lot, make a lot of jokes and do impressions. It’s often really funny. They often skewer the problematic tropes you see in movies and probably didn’t even notice when you watched the movie as a kid.
Their latest one is about Mrs Doubtfire. Obviously Mrs Doubtfire isn’t about being trans* but there is some transphobia in it anyway, and they call that out. They call out the rascist impressions, the stereotyping of gay people, and the main characters creeptastic behaviour, which is totally condoned by the movie. But they do it all in such a matter-of-fact way, like of course these things are terrible. It doesn’t even need to be explained.
So yeah, it’s nice to see the sort of things we talk about here discussed in a place that is outside the feminist/social justice circle.
Bina
10 years ago
Gawd, just read about Lana. So sad. She made me laugh a lot. I miss her.
Wow, my condolences to Lana’s family, she was a real pistol on the board.
Nova
10 years ago
Hi everyone. It seems like forever since I’ve been here or been able to reach out to anyone, due to my internet usage being tightly controlled and monitored. However, I am still very much alive and, for the first time in a long time, I am in a safe, comfortable, happy environment.
The story is horribly sad and I don’t want to share it in public, but suffice it to say that things were so awful that I loaded up the mess makers and moved far away, with only what would fit into my car. It’s a 100% total start over situation, but I do have a lot of help and support in doing it, which is incredible.
Physically, I’m in bad shape. It’s going to take a couple of surgeries and I’ll probably have problems for the rest of my life anyway. The scars are pretty bad, especially the ones on my face. Emotionally, it depends on the day. Usually, I can just ignore everything, but every once in a while, I’ll think about something that happened and it takes a lot for me to stay calm about it. Occasionally, I wake up incredibly grouchy and can’t really be around anyone for about an hour or two after I get up, probably from nightmares. Most of the time, I have no real feelings about it and, as the mental health professionals that I had to talk to about the abuse were shocked speechless, I’m not sure that this is healthy. I switched off emotionally a long time ago, but I have a feeling that I’m repressing an awful lot.
But, I’m alive. The mess makers (including the PUF, who is still obsessed with climbing into my sweatpants) are alive. I have a chance to start over. I have loving, supportive people in my life who care about what’s best for me. Given the hell that I’ve been through for the past year or so, I honestly can’t believe it’s real.
Hi Nova, Sorry for what you’ve gone through, and glad you are now in a much better environment. Do you think it would be worth finding other/better mental health professionals?
In any case, we’re glad to have you back around. I’m dragging out the big barrel of hugs, which also has kittens, ferrets, clown loaches, and wombats. Please take whatever you need.
Nova
10 years ago
Hey Cloudiah! Great to see you as well!
The mental health professionals that I had to talk to were treating someone else, but I was asked to help them with background information. It was a hospital setting, where I can imagine they’ve seen and heard almost everything, but I managed to bring them stuff that they’d never come across before. They were actually really good and probably could have helped me a lot, but they weren’t mine and my insurance wouldn’t pay for them anyway.
I do need my own mental health pros, if for nothing else than to make sure that I’m not going to have this all flooding in and giving me a nervous breakdown. My first priority is a job and to create stability for me and the mess makers. I do know that I have PTSD, but it’s not so bad that it’s interfering with my life that much.
Hugs are always appreciated. I will have to pass on the kittens, ferrets, clown loaches and wombats. If I bring one more animal into this house, I’ll be moving to Hotel Toyota!
Basically what happened is that my sister is pretending to live here in the house even though she is living at her boyfriend’s house, and she doesn’t want my dad to know that because he is super conservative and strongly opposed to pre-marital relationships with non-Muslims. So tonight she lied and said she was sleeping in my room tonight, but when my dad called me he asked me to give my phone to my sister so he could talk to her, and of course she wasn’t there so I had to tell him that she’s not currently at the house. (That’s the most I can tell him without letting him know that she’s not living here.)
The conversation is over but tomorrow’s conversation will be even worse if it happens. It’ll all be about how my sister is an indecent liar (even though she herself is lying in order to avoid the emotional abuse from him) and how he doesn’t trust any of us and how we all need to be ultra-religious and how great of a father he is even though everyone hates him.
I can’t ever cut him off. He’ll always get me no matter what. Like I don’t even know why I’m trying anymore. I feel trapped. I’m really sorry if this kind of venting is bothering anyone. Maybe it’s bothersome to see people giving me the same old suggestions and me just hurting myself more and more by not listening. I’m sorry.
We Hunted The Mammoth
@Fibinachi: don’t be hard on yourself over this. It’s really easy to be an outsider and give advice because I’m not having to deal with all the emotional crap as well. I have missed “obvious” decision options I “should have” taken when it’s been me in the middle of emotional crap. If you want, you can frame it as: when one is in the middle of a fight-or-flight situation (which this is), higher level cognitive functioning tends to go out the window.
So none of this is “on you”. This is what happens when people deal with enormous amounts of emotional crap.
I hope you’re feeling better about yourself. Stuff your sister, it’s *you* I’m concerned about.
Fibs: Even if she was the awesomest sister in the world and your absolute favorite person ever, it would still be your ethical responsibility not to do her academic work for her. You’re doing the right thing.
I agree with everyone else here, Fibi. I think you’re making the right decision.
I recently told my trans-friendly aunt about medical transitioning, and she did react with some concern because she’s not very familiar with such medical treatments in general. But at the end of the email she said she trusts that I’m being careful enough because she thinks I’m already careful with my younger siblings and cousins. I know it’s just a small thing, but it really made me happy to hear that from her. So many people I know think that transitioning is self-destructive.
And yay for Ally’s aunt, and yay for Fibi choosing ethics over familial pressure. Which can be hard.
I got my bills paid, and less than a week overdue! Maybe later I’ll actually send out my Xmas gifts.
Depression sucks, you guys. I’m so ready for winter to be over.
I’m handing out kitty hugs to anyone who’d like them. I have an excess to spare. 🙂
Hey all. Sorry for this, but I think it’s worthwhile.
One of my favourite movie critics, Maryann Johanson, at http://www.flickfilosopher.com, currently has a subscription drive at her website, looking for more readers.
I’ve found her clever and insightful, and she has good taste in geeky movies. She brings a good feminist critique of Hollywood films that tends to be lacking in a lot of mainstream reviews. She’s trying to run the website solo and ad-free on a subscription model and could really use some additional support.
Please take a peek, and consider subscribing.
Thanks!
(PS: Very glad to hear about reunited kitties and good aunts. 🙂 )
Well done, Fibinachi. I agree, she didn’t deserve your help. Our brother was less of a dick, and I STILL refused to do his damn homework for him as a matter of principle. If I had to go through the damn busywork, so did he, because that’s not something that goes away as an adult.
I think I’m in love
I cheated on an essay once, something for fourth-form maths. Wouldn’t have made any difference to my scores, I was failing anyway, and mercifully I could drop it at the end of the year. It just saved me some headaches when a friend gave me hers from the previous year.
Back in my day, the going rate was a bottle of wine for copy-editing, and a fake ID for a stint as research assistant. Full-on ghostwriting wasn’t even on the agenda!
LOL the black economy of academia!
Speaking of movie reviews, does anyone listen to the We Hate Movies podcast? They basically talk about a movie for 2 hours and talk about all the terrible things about it (and sometimes how that terribleness makes it awesome). It’s 4 dudes who swear a lot, make a lot of jokes and do impressions. It’s often really funny. They often skewer the problematic tropes you see in movies and probably didn’t even notice when you watched the movie as a kid.
Their latest one is about Mrs Doubtfire. Obviously Mrs Doubtfire isn’t about being trans* but there is some transphobia in it anyway, and they call that out. They call out the rascist impressions, the stereotyping of gay people, and the main characters creeptastic behaviour, which is totally condoned by the movie. But they do it all in such a matter-of-fact way, like of course these things are terrible. It doesn’t even need to be explained.
So yeah, it’s nice to see the sort of things we talk about here discussed in a place that is outside the feminist/social justice circle.
Gawd, just read about Lana. So sad. She made me laugh a lot. I miss her.
I couldn’t make it to the support group. It was canceled. I can just go next week, but this still sucks.
Bummer. 🙁
Wow, my condolences to Lana’s family, she was a real pistol on the board.
Hi everyone. It seems like forever since I’ve been here or been able to reach out to anyone, due to my internet usage being tightly controlled and monitored. However, I am still very much alive and, for the first time in a long time, I am in a safe, comfortable, happy environment.
The story is horribly sad and I don’t want to share it in public, but suffice it to say that things were so awful that I loaded up the mess makers and moved far away, with only what would fit into my car. It’s a 100% total start over situation, but I do have a lot of help and support in doing it, which is incredible.
Physically, I’m in bad shape. It’s going to take a couple of surgeries and I’ll probably have problems for the rest of my life anyway. The scars are pretty bad, especially the ones on my face. Emotionally, it depends on the day. Usually, I can just ignore everything, but every once in a while, I’ll think about something that happened and it takes a lot for me to stay calm about it. Occasionally, I wake up incredibly grouchy and can’t really be around anyone for about an hour or two after I get up, probably from nightmares. Most of the time, I have no real feelings about it and, as the mental health professionals that I had to talk to about the abuse were shocked speechless, I’m not sure that this is healthy. I switched off emotionally a long time ago, but I have a feeling that I’m repressing an awful lot.
But, I’m alive. The mess makers (including the PUF, who is still obsessed with climbing into my sweatpants) are alive. I have a chance to start over. I have loving, supportive people in my life who care about what’s best for me. Given the hell that I’ve been through for the past year or so, I honestly can’t believe it’s real.
I’ll probably be around more, here and there.
Hi Nova, Sorry for what you’ve gone through, and glad you are now in a much better environment. Do you think it would be worth finding other/better mental health professionals?
In any case, we’re glad to have you back around. I’m dragging out the big barrel of hugs, which also has kittens, ferrets, clown loaches, and wombats. Please take whatever you need.
Hey Cloudiah! Great to see you as well!
The mental health professionals that I had to talk to were treating someone else, but I was asked to help them with background information. It was a hospital setting, where I can imagine they’ve seen and heard almost everything, but I managed to bring them stuff that they’d never come across before. They were actually really good and probably could have helped me a lot, but they weren’t mine and my insurance wouldn’t pay for them anyway.
I do need my own mental health pros, if for nothing else than to make sure that I’m not going to have this all flooding in and giving me a nervous breakdown. My first priority is a job and to create stability for me and the mess makers. I do know that I have PTSD, but it’s not so bad that it’s interfering with my life that much.
Hugs are always appreciated. I will have to pass on the kittens, ferrets, clown loaches and wombats. If I bring one more animal into this house, I’ll be moving to Hotel Toyota!
I’m having another triggering conversation with my dad right now. God help me.
Then cut him off, Ally.
Basically what happened is that my sister is pretending to live here in the house even though she is living at her boyfriend’s house, and she doesn’t want my dad to know that because he is super conservative and strongly opposed to pre-marital relationships with non-Muslims. So tonight she lied and said she was sleeping in my room tonight, but when my dad called me he asked me to give my phone to my sister so he could talk to her, and of course she wasn’t there so I had to tell him that she’s not currently at the house. (That’s the most I can tell him without letting him know that she’s not living here.)
The conversation is over but tomorrow’s conversation will be even worse if it happens. It’ll all be about how my sister is an indecent liar (even though she herself is lying in order to avoid the emotional abuse from him) and how he doesn’t trust any of us and how we all need to be ultra-religious and how great of a father he is even though everyone hates him.
I can’t ever cut him off. He’ll always get me no matter what. Like I don’t even know why I’m trying anymore. I feel trapped. I’m really sorry if this kind of venting is bothering anyone. Maybe it’s bothersome to see people giving me the same old suggestions and me just hurting myself more and more by not listening. I’m sorry.
Ally, you don’t need to apologize. You’re the one dealing with what you have to deal with, with poise and fortitude.
And I do hope you get to a place where you don’t talk to your father at all, honestly.
These things are not counter-posed.