I’m assuming the awkward phase Argenti was referring to is the in-between length when you’re growing your hair out where it’s long enough to be in your face but not long enough to do anything with. You know, this stage.
Ally – yeah, it’s just about growing hair out. Mine went all odd when I went from a 1920s-type bob to having it long again. Your hair looks super thick, so it’ll be awesome when it’s long enough to frame your face, and interesting to see how much natural wave it has. I bet if you get it layered once it’s long enough you’ll have big hair without even trying!
Yay for trying foundation, too! I can’t advise, mostly ‘cos I have never figured foudation out properly. 😛 I’ll say this much: you have a lovely, feminine face anyway, going from your photos, even though I know you don’t see it that way.
Had my first doctor’s appointment in years today. Between moving and the paperwork that generates, I’ve never had my own GP before. So we, or rather the medical student conducting the survey, went over my medical history, family history, all that sort of stuff. I was expecting to hear more about my weight or diet, but we barely touched upon that.
I forgot about the sexual history part. I was honest about being buy, but that lead to a lot of awkward questions about my sexual relationships (or rather, my lack of them), and eventually a lot of oversharing and self-analysis on my part.
It was so weird hearing her then tell the doctor that I was attracted to both men and women. I’ve never actually identified myself as Bi outside this pseudonym. The only three people who know that about me in real life were part of the Great FurryMuck Relationship Catastraphuck 18 years ago.
So while I’m really glad they were non-judgemental and supportive and were happy to refer me to a therapist, I’ve been feeling empty and jittery all afternoon. It’s like this big wave of long-repressed loneliness has all just hit me at once.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve split myself into so many personality fragments online that I’ve neglected the part that is _me_.
Anyway, sorry for the glurge, and thanks in advance for letting me get that off my chest.
Good luck, leftwingfox. And yeah, that shattering can be rough. If you’re into anime, might I recommend Persona 4? You might find it relevant to your feelings, and it’s only a couple seasons long.
LBT: Oh cool. I never got to play the game, but it sounded right up my alley. Didn’t realize there was an anime based on it.
Robert
10 years ago
Ally – looking good! I wish you continued luck with the timeline.
Had an interesting conversation with my husband earlier, regarding my recent spate of severe anxiety. He pointed out that I’ve recently received a stern letter.from the IRS, which does not bother me in the least. I enjoy public speaking, and find dentist visits relaxing. What has me worked up into a lather?
I’m about to get back to drawing. According to him, some people find it fun. Go figure.
She thinks he may be Corgi-Pomeranian cross. He’s a year old and is at the RSPCA where she works.
She never heard back about the dog at the Victorian rescue place. Either they’re really slack about contacting, or don’t call people who’ve been rejected.
chimisaur
10 years ago
Super-cute puppy kitteh!
Ally – the foundation looks good!
About awkward hair phase, am I the only one here that dislikes the feel of bangs, but can’t stand barrettes? Hair bands and ribbons FTW (or bandannas when I super don’t give-a-crap)!!
Also, those ribbons are necessary. The last time I had my hair go through awkwardtime was after an unfortunate “my friend’s in beauty school, you’ll be fine” haircut of terror that was so bad I had to fix it with a pixi cut. Which was fine for maybe a month, until people started calling me “sir” (which was fine too, just part of the progression) and then, horrifyingly, “Harry Potter”. Because coloration and glasses are apparently enough if the haircut is bangs-y and ratty enough >_<;;; However, nobody calls you Harry Potter when you're wearing a big green ribbon in a bow.
I can’t get hair clips of any sort, even the ones with springs and spikes like a mantrap, to stay put. My hair just slithers out of the things.
emilygoddess
10 years ago
As for vets…my pets are fish, I don’t even have the option.
You’re in MA, right? Angell’s exotics department does fish now, . Of course, it being Angell, we’ll charge you an arm and a leg (or a pelvic fin and a caudal fin) – but in an emergency you might decide it’s worth it. I’m on friendly terms with some of the people in that department, so in a pinch I can always ask them a question or two for you.
@leftwingfox, yeah, the early stages of therapy involve having to actually look at the stuff that’s dragging you down, and it can be pretty traumatic. But if you get a good therapist, it’s so worth it. Good luck!
LBT: Oh cool. I never got to play the game, but it sounded right up my alley. Didn’t realize there was an anime based on it.
Yes! It’s less than twenty-five episodes long, and its on either Netflix or Hulu, which is how I saw it with my roommates. It’s all about finding friends, and dealing with yourself. Also it has monsters.
Er, warning though. Not the best dealing with trans issues ever.
Kiwi girl
10 years ago
@emilygoddess: 🙁 that is one of the things that I let myself get annoyed over: people in healing professions who don’t have empathy. It’s such a big factor in people/animals getting well. grrrr….
@Ally: you look great. I second the headband idea – when I had short hair and grew it long (one length, no fringe), it stayed for ages in the phase where it was too long to stay out of my eyes, and too short to stay tucked behind my ears or to be picked up in a band. The other thing is clips. If you like the more “girly girly” items like me, then there is such a huge range of really cool slide pins (is that what you call them, mm.. maybe bobby pins… not sure of the name) with decorations on them, and headbands with 3D stuff rather than just patterns. The only thing I found with headbands is that the ones that fitted hard just behind my ears – where the band ends – used to give me headaches from the pressure if they were too tight. So I tended to stick with the more 360 circular stretchy fabric headband equivalents rather than the rigid plastic (?) ones. The great news is that there are heaps of cheap and attractive options, so there’s every excuse to go out and buy loads so that they can be matched to outfits 😉
I never mastered the scarf tie around my head, apart from when I had long dreadlocks. I think scarves look cool too, but I am old and I am running the risk of giving you “older person” advice.
Of course, one could consider that all my advice is “older person” advice, by definition. Late 40s is young I tell you, young! Goes hunting for spectacles…
I’ve been hurting ever since that phone call with my dad. He keeps trying to call me but I’m too afraid of him emotionally manipulating me again. I feel very lonely, afraid, and sick to my stomach. And on top of that I still feel the urge to self-harm, although thankfully I have been able to refrain from doing so.
Ally – you’re doing the right thing not letting him call. Block his calls, don’t let him through. You’re absolutely right he’ll try to hurt and manipulate you. He’s an abuser. I know it hurts but keep reminding yourself of that. He’s lost a lot of control over you and wants it back, and damn right he’ll want to punish you for daring to escape.
Can you talk to your mum about this? I know you don’t want to scare her, but she’s been through all this (except being trans, obviously) – being abused and escaping it. Surely she’ll understand the fear? I know you see yourself as a burden to people when jerkbrain is shouting, but that’s what it is – jerkbrain. Poor thing’s been all too well trained by your shitstain parental unit. It’s trying to do his work for him.
Your father’s like a more intimate version of school bullies – all their cheap thrills come from hurting people. That makes their opinion of you worth shit, and it’s the same with him. Yes, can hurt to know family members are douches, but he is. He’s also playing on the fact that you are a kind and loving person.
One of the reasons my mom and I are very close is that she knows what it’s like to be emotionally and physically hurt by him. The bond between us is strengthened by commiserating on his past – and in my case, ongoing – abuse. We often talk about how awful he was with boundaries (like the times he has physically cornered us in small rooms). Sometimes those conversations become emotionally upsetting, but only because the pain is still with us, not because we don’t get along. So we have a really nice relationship.
I’m just worried about making her more worried about me. She reacted kindly when I told her about my self-harming thoughts, but she didn’t have much to say besides supporting me in trying to find a therapist. Maybe I’ll talk to her more tomorrow about these things since she seems to be one of the few people in my life who understand me, but it makes me feel nervous. These days I feel like I’m not worthy of anyone’s love and support, and when I try to get closer to her somehow I start feeling dysphoric because of my deep voice.
I also wish that I was in some kind of relationship. I wish I could find love and support in a partner, but I’m afraid of unloading my emotional baggage on them unintentionally or becoming a burden to them. And most people have told me that I have to take care of my own issues first or else any relationship I have is doomed to failure.
Look, Ally, the same thing applies here: your mum’s an adult. More than that, she’s your parent. You aren’t responsible for her feelings, and you’re the one needing support right now. Don’t hide what you’re feeling, don’t end up keeping her at arms’ length for fear of benig a burden or not wanting to upset her or whatever. You’re at her home, where I’m guessing from past conversations she’s very glad to have you. She loves you and offers what support she can: take it!
We Hunted The Mammoth
My bangs are already going to my eyes. But for some reason, I kind of like low bangs.
I’m assuming the awkward phase Argenti was referring to is the in-between length when you’re growing your hair out where it’s long enough to be in your face but not long enough to do anything with. You know, this stage.
Oof, you’re tougher than me, Ally. Hair on my forehead drives me nuts, never mind having it in my eyes.
Ally – yeah, it’s just about growing hair out. Mine went all odd when I went from a 1920s-type bob to having it long again. Your hair looks super thick, so it’ll be awesome when it’s long enough to frame your face, and interesting to see how much natural wave it has. I bet if you get it layered once it’s long enough you’ll have big hair without even trying!
Yay for trying foundation, too! I can’t advise, mostly ‘cos I have never figured foudation out properly. 😛 I’ll say this much: you have a lovely, feminine face anyway, going from your photos, even though I know you don’t see it that way.
I like low bangs too. I can see mine hanging over my brows now and it’s only two weeks since they were cut.
Worst hair-thing for me now: the smeary awful mess on my glasses ‘cos they sit against my eyebrows. 😛
So… looks like I’m getting a therapist.
Had my first doctor’s appointment in years today. Between moving and the paperwork that generates, I’ve never had my own GP before. So we, or rather the medical student conducting the survey, went over my medical history, family history, all that sort of stuff. I was expecting to hear more about my weight or diet, but we barely touched upon that.
I forgot about the sexual history part. I was honest about being buy, but that lead to a lot of awkward questions about my sexual relationships (or rather, my lack of them), and eventually a lot of oversharing and self-analysis on my part.
It was so weird hearing her then tell the doctor that I was attracted to both men and women. I’ve never actually identified myself as Bi outside this pseudonym. The only three people who know that about me in real life were part of the Great FurryMuck Relationship Catastraphuck 18 years ago.
So while I’m really glad they were non-judgemental and supportive and were happy to refer me to a therapist, I’ve been feeling empty and jittery all afternoon. It’s like this big wave of long-repressed loneliness has all just hit me at once.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve split myself into so many personality fragments online that I’ve neglected the part that is _me_.
Anyway, sorry for the glurge, and thanks in advance for letting me get that off my chest.
being buy? Dammit autocorrect! Bi!
Virtual hugs if you want them, leftwingfox. I hope you get a really good therapist.
Good luck, leftwingfox. And yeah, that shattering can be rough. If you’re into anime, might I recommend Persona 4? You might find it relevant to your feelings, and it’s only a couple seasons long.
I hope therapy proves helpful to you, leftwingfox.
Good luck leftwingfox!
Ally — yep, I just meant it looks like you’ll be having a case of “argh wtf hair? Behave!” soon. Nothing to worry about, happens to the best of us!
Thanks everyone. Virtual hugs much appreciated.
LBT: Oh cool. I never got to play the game, but it sounded right up my alley. Didn’t realize there was an anime based on it.
Ally – looking good! I wish you continued luck with the timeline.
Had an interesting conversation with my husband earlier, regarding my recent spate of severe anxiety. He pointed out that I’ve recently received a stern letter.from the IRS, which does not bother me in the least. I enjoy public speaking, and find dentist visits relaxing. What has me worked up into a lather?
I’m about to get back to drawing. According to him, some people find it fun. Go figure.
My sister’s getting a new dog!
She thinks he may be Corgi-Pomeranian cross. He’s a year old and is at the RSPCA where she works.
She never heard back about the dog at the Victorian rescue place. Either they’re really slack about contacting, or don’t call people who’ve been rejected.
Super-cute puppy kitteh!
Ally – the foundation looks good!
About awkward hair phase, am I the only one here that dislikes the feel of bangs, but can’t stand barrettes? Hair bands and ribbons FTW (or bandannas when I super don’t give-a-crap)!!
Also, those ribbons are necessary. The last time I had my hair go through awkwardtime was after an unfortunate “my friend’s in beauty school, you’ll be fine” haircut of terror that was so bad I had to fix it with a pixi cut. Which was fine for maybe a month, until people started calling me “sir” (which was fine too, just part of the progression) and then, horrifyingly, “Harry Potter”. Because coloration and glasses are apparently enough if the haircut is bangs-y and ratty enough >_<;;; However, nobody calls you Harry Potter when you're wearing a big green ribbon in a bow.
I can’t get hair clips of any sort, even the ones with springs and spikes like a mantrap, to stay put. My hair just slithers out of the things.
You’re in MA, right? Angell’s exotics department does fish now, . Of course, it being Angell, we’ll charge you an arm and a leg (or a pelvic fin and a caudal fin) – but in an emergency you might decide it’s worth it. I’m on friendly terms with some of the people in that department, so in a pinch I can always ask them a question or two for you.
@leftwingfox, yeah, the early stages of therapy involve having to actually look at the stuff that’s dragging you down, and it can be pretty traumatic. But if you get a good therapist, it’s so worth it. Good luck!
RE: leftwingfox
LBT: Oh cool. I never got to play the game, but it sounded right up my alley. Didn’t realize there was an anime based on it.
Yes! It’s less than twenty-five episodes long, and its on either Netflix or Hulu, which is how I saw it with my roommates. It’s all about finding friends, and dealing with yourself. Also it has monsters.
Er, warning though. Not the best dealing with trans issues ever.
@emilygoddess: 🙁 that is one of the things that I let myself get annoyed over: people in healing professions who don’t have empathy. It’s such a big factor in people/animals getting well. grrrr….
@Ally: you look great. I second the headband idea – when I had short hair and grew it long (one length, no fringe), it stayed for ages in the phase where it was too long to stay out of my eyes, and too short to stay tucked behind my ears or to be picked up in a band. The other thing is clips. If you like the more “girly girly” items like me, then there is such a huge range of really cool slide pins (is that what you call them, mm.. maybe bobby pins… not sure of the name) with decorations on them, and headbands with 3D stuff rather than just patterns. The only thing I found with headbands is that the ones that fitted hard just behind my ears – where the band ends – used to give me headaches from the pressure if they were too tight. So I tended to stick with the more 360 circular stretchy fabric headband equivalents rather than the rigid plastic (?) ones. The great news is that there are heaps of cheap and attractive options, so there’s every excuse to go out and buy loads so that they can be matched to outfits 😉
I never mastered the scarf tie around my head, apart from when I had long dreadlocks. I think scarves look cool too, but I am old and I am running the risk of giving you “older person” advice.
Of course, one could consider that all my advice is “older person” advice, by definition. Late 40s is young I tell you, young! Goes hunting for spectacles…
Hunting for spectacles is for the young – been doing it since I was fifteen.
Now hunting for umpteen different pairs of spectacles, that’s another matter …
[Content note: self-harm]
I’ve been hurting ever since that phone call with my dad. He keeps trying to call me but I’m too afraid of him emotionally manipulating me again. I feel very lonely, afraid, and sick to my stomach. And on top of that I still feel the urge to self-harm, although thankfully I have been able to refrain from doing so.
Ally – you’re doing the right thing not letting him call. Block his calls, don’t let him through. You’re absolutely right he’ll try to hurt and manipulate you. He’s an abuser. I know it hurts but keep reminding yourself of that. He’s lost a lot of control over you and wants it back, and damn right he’ll want to punish you for daring to escape.
Can you talk to your mum about this? I know you don’t want to scare her, but she’s been through all this (except being trans, obviously) – being abused and escaping it. Surely she’ll understand the fear? I know you see yourself as a burden to people when jerkbrain is shouting, but that’s what it is – jerkbrain. Poor thing’s been all too well trained by your shitstain parental unit. It’s trying to do his work for him.
Your father’s like a more intimate version of school bullies – all their cheap thrills come from hurting people. That makes their opinion of you worth shit, and it’s the same with him. Yes, can hurt to know family members are douches, but he is. He’s also playing on the fact that you are a kind and loving person.
May he walk on legos forever.
[Content note: abuse]
One of the reasons my mom and I are very close is that she knows what it’s like to be emotionally and physically hurt by him. The bond between us is strengthened by commiserating on his past – and in my case, ongoing – abuse. We often talk about how awful he was with boundaries (like the times he has physically cornered us in small rooms). Sometimes those conversations become emotionally upsetting, but only because the pain is still with us, not because we don’t get along. So we have a really nice relationship.
I’m just worried about making her more worried about me. She reacted kindly when I told her about my self-harming thoughts, but she didn’t have much to say besides supporting me in trying to find a therapist. Maybe I’ll talk to her more tomorrow about these things since she seems to be one of the few people in my life who understand me, but it makes me feel nervous. These days I feel like I’m not worthy of anyone’s love and support, and when I try to get closer to her somehow I start feeling dysphoric because of my deep voice.
I also wish that I was in some kind of relationship. I wish I could find love and support in a partner, but I’m afraid of unloading my emotional baggage on them unintentionally or becoming a burden to them. And most people have told me that I have to take care of my own issues first or else any relationship I have is doomed to failure.
By “relationship” in the last paragraph of course I’m referring to romantic relationships.
Look, Ally, the same thing applies here: your mum’s an adult. More than that, she’s your parent. You aren’t responsible for her feelings, and you’re the one needing support right now. Don’t hide what you’re feeling, don’t end up keeping her at arms’ length for fear of benig a burden or not wanting to upset her or whatever. You’re at her home, where I’m guessing from past conversations she’s very glad to have you. She loves you and offers what support she can: take it!