Everyone else on this thread has been more eloquent and helpful, but Marie’s note about your father using trans suicide stats against you stuck out for me, Ally. He wants to have everything he wants and not take responsibility for any of it.
My parents did a similar thing when I came out trans. They seemed to think I could just STOP being trans and that would magically solve any problems I had. It’s a very childish way of viewing the world, and yeah, tends to lead to a lot of victim-blaming and bystander behavior.
“why would /you/ want to put yourself through that?”
Ally, that goes both ways — should he pull that, snap back with something like “exactly, why would I, what makes you think this is a choice?”
That aside, he’s a grown ass adult, you’re his kid, you aren’t supposed to have to be the one setting yourself aside to care for him, at least not until he reaches the point of old age where someone has to care for him (and even then it doesn’t have to be you, my mother does more for her FIL than either of my father’s siblings)
LBT — w00t for insurance!
emilygoddess — would a well timed comment about neutering being encouraged get them thinking?
Ally, everyone has already said what I would, but better. So I’m just sending comfort and hugs.
hannasoumaki
10 years ago
@ LBT I’m sorry for wha they put you through and hope you’re content despite that. Also congratulations on your health insurance (hope you celebrate it safely)
Small funny: Mr K shared some of his memories from last night at Home, meaning I got to see from his PoV instead of my own. So he’s bringing in cups of tea and I’m sitting on the couch with Juliet lying spread out next to me. (Juliet looks generally like this chap.) Louis manages to squeeze in next to me at the end of the couch and we cuddle up, then after a little while he asks me to lie down with my head on his leg, ‘cos he’s feeling all protective and cosy and so on. I did, but made room for Juliet to move up, so she and I were more or less spooning and she had her head on his leg as well … which wasn’t at all what he’d had in mind (and no, he wasn’t thinking sexytimes). I was almost as dozy as Juliet by then and told him he had to take the package deal. 😛
Sam-I-Was?
10 years ago
Ally, I wish there was a way I could take you into the future and show you that it will be ok. The road will not be smooth, hell there will be plenty of times that you want to give up but you can make it. Your father is abusive and abusers have a wide bag of tricks that they pull from. He will make you think he’s on your side and the next day will throw you under the bus. He will tell you that he is advocating for you and the next day he will tell you that you are the ultimate evil and are the reason why your family isn’t happy. He will use any trick in the book to get an emotional reaction from you and play on every feeling you have towards your family to find a weakness to make you crumble. I wish I could show you that you can be ok on the other side but there is no time machine yet.
Please know that while it is hellish, people do escape their abusers. The most dangerous time is right after you leave your abuser as they are losing control and will try anything, I mean anything, to get that control back. Please find someone to talk to that isn’t directly related to you to act as a sounding board if you can.
My life does not have the same circumstances as yours but I escaped and can tell you that it is survivable. It’s not pretty, it’s not easy but you are more than worth it. Speaking as a parent I can tell you that ultimately I want my children happy. I have an idea of what they will do in the future but I don’t control them. He doesn’t control you. His idea of the future has shit to do with life. You are a beautiful woman with a long life ahead of you. Please try to grab that life and not get tied down by what his ideas are. Ultimately any parent wants their child to be happy and you can’t be happy until you are true to yourself.
You are not responsible for his decisions. You are not responsible for anyone’s reactions to you. You are a strong woman who can do this no matter the doubt that you feel now. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and I promise you that it will get easier.
Those ladybugs could be useful if you have an aphid problem. But I have ethical concerns about shoving insect into a tub and mailing them. How many will still be alive when the package arrives?
Also, our culture’s love of ladybugs interests me. Many people will cringe if you offer to show them a beetle, but if that beetle happens to be a ladybug, suddenly it’s adorable and we love it.
Unrelated: I just discovered a manosphere wiki. It’s better than Wikipedia, which has all that icky feminist reality bias!
Then again, my kid sister thinks spiders are the greatest thing on earth. Her idea of a good present was to ship an enormous rubber Halloween spider on a string to a friend, with the note that the spider’s name was Bernadette and she’d protect him from nightmares.
Marie
10 years ago
@emilygoddess
Also, our culture’s love of ladybugs interests me. Many people will cringe if you offer to show them a beetle, but if that beetle happens to be a ladybug, suddenly it’s adorable and we love it.
Oh, god no, I hate lady bugs. I’ve never gotten people who like them. They’re pretty fucking high up on my bug-hate list, higher than even (for nonpoisonous ones) moths, butterflies* and cockroaches.
Then again, I think a large part of my lady-bug-hate is when I used to stay at my aunt’s house, we slept in the attic, which was a fucking lady bug breeding ground. In the summer there were hundreds of lady bugs all around, and in the winter the beds were coated with dead lady bugs, and no matter how hard you tried to get them all out, there would still be more.
*butterflies are too much like moths. Ask fade about that time I nearly trashed the foyer trying to kill a moth.
@LBT
Then again, my kid sister thinks spiders are the greatest thing on earth. Her idea of a good present was to ship an enormous rubber Halloween spider on a string to a friend, with the note that the spider’s name was Bernadette and she’d protect him from nightmares.
That friend still has Bernadette! This pleased my sister greatly.
Kiwi girl
10 years ago
@LBT: hooray!
@emilygoddess: while I find myself philosophically wrestling with the fact that I insist on correcting the vets and vet nurses every time they call my very pretty Ragdoll boy “she” (as in, he’s a cat, they love him, he gets attention, and has no idea or interest in what they’re saying), I do think that this type of behaviour shows how pervasive stereotypical notions of “males” and “females” permeate our cultures. Given that small/domesticated/pet vet staff are attracted to the specialty because they love animals (I assume, YMMV), I wonder if they would be intrigued if you started up a casual conversation on this. In NZ, most of the vets qualifying now are female anyways, so here the vet school has had to start addressing the sexism it contained when acquaintances of mine trained as vets. I don’t know if the same has occurred in your area. So yeah, while not hurtful to the animal, it could be an interesting and mind-broadening (for them, not you, obviously) if you started a conversation.
I find ladybirds cute, and I agree that shipping them seems cruel. I don’t even like the way queen bees are freighted around.
Blasphemy! Weta’s are waaaayyy cuter than ladybugs. Look at this one It’s eating a carrot it’s so cute! 😀
Marie
10 years ago
*should clarify you don’t have to look at it (duh). Especially since you mentioned it was one of your phobias. I just find them strangley cute :3
Kiwi girl
10 years ago
/faints
Do you ever experience being so scared that you can’t even scream because no sound comes out? That’s me if I see a weta on me or accidentally touch one.
Kiwi girl
10 years ago
Too late, I looked.
Marie
10 years ago
@kiwi girl
🙁 I”m sorry.
Kiwi girl
10 years ago
Oh Marie, it’s okay, it was just a photo that was nowhere near my fingers. If it had been a book and my fingers had been near the photo when I turned the page, I would have had a slight start. 🙂
My weta phobia is about when they really might touch me. I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I should have put a smiley face on my last comment. You really haven’t upset me or anything, and I did figure it was going to be a photo of a weta when I clicked the link. 🙂 Because you did put in an accurate description.
We Hunted The Mammoth
RE: hannasoumaki
Everyone else on this thread has been more eloquent and helpful, but Marie’s note about your father using trans suicide stats against you stuck out for me, Ally. He wants to have everything he wants and not take responsibility for any of it.
My parents did a similar thing when I came out trans. They seemed to think I could just STOP being trans and that would magically solve any problems I had. It’s a very childish way of viewing the world, and yeah, tends to lead to a lot of victim-blaming and bystander behavior.
“why would /you/ want to put yourself through that?”
Ally, that goes both ways — should he pull that, snap back with something like “exactly, why would I, what makes you think this is a choice?”
That aside, he’s a grown ass adult, you’re his kid, you aren’t supposed to have to be the one setting yourself aside to care for him, at least not until he reaches the point of old age where someone has to care for him (and even then it doesn’t have to be you, my mother does more for her FIL than either of my father’s siblings)
LBT — w00t for insurance!
emilygoddess — would a well timed comment about neutering being encouraged get them thinking?
Ally, everyone has already said what I would, but better. So I’m just sending comfort and hugs.
@ LBT I’m sorry for wha they put you through and hope you’re content despite that. Also congratulations on your health insurance (hope you celebrate it safely)
RE: hannasoumaki
It’s okay; I left my folks a while back. And I am content. Shockingly, the most grief I got about being trans was from them! *snort*
Grats on the insurance, LBT. I know what a relief it is to be insured.
Standing ovation again, for everyone on the thread.
@LBT
Yay for insurance! 😀
@LBT congrats on insurance!
N’thing yay for insurance!
Small funny: Mr K shared some of his memories from last night at Home, meaning I got to see from his PoV instead of my own. So he’s bringing in cups of tea and I’m sitting on the couch with Juliet lying spread out next to me. (Juliet looks generally like this chap.) Louis manages to squeeze in next to me at the end of the couch and we cuddle up, then after a little while he asks me to lie down with my head on his leg, ‘cos he’s feeling all protective and cosy and so on. I did, but made room for Juliet to move up, so she and I were more or less spooning and she had her head on his leg as well … which wasn’t at all what he’d had in mind (and no, he wasn’t thinking sexytimes). I was almost as dozy as Juliet by then and told him he had to take the package deal. 😛
Ally, I wish there was a way I could take you into the future and show you that it will be ok. The road will not be smooth, hell there will be plenty of times that you want to give up but you can make it. Your father is abusive and abusers have a wide bag of tricks that they pull from. He will make you think he’s on your side and the next day will throw you under the bus. He will tell you that he is advocating for you and the next day he will tell you that you are the ultimate evil and are the reason why your family isn’t happy. He will use any trick in the book to get an emotional reaction from you and play on every feeling you have towards your family to find a weakness to make you crumble. I wish I could show you that you can be ok on the other side but there is no time machine yet.
Please know that while it is hellish, people do escape their abusers. The most dangerous time is right after you leave your abuser as they are losing control and will try anything, I mean anything, to get that control back. Please find someone to talk to that isn’t directly related to you to act as a sounding board if you can.
My life does not have the same circumstances as yours but I escaped and can tell you that it is survivable. It’s not pretty, it’s not easy but you are more than worth it. Speaking as a parent I can tell you that ultimately I want my children happy. I have an idea of what they will do in the future but I don’t control them. He doesn’t control you. His idea of the future has shit to do with life. You are a beautiful woman with a long life ahead of you. Please try to grab that life and not get tied down by what his ideas are. Ultimately any parent wants their child to be happy and you can’t be happy until you are true to yourself.
You are not responsible for his decisions. You are not responsible for anyone’s reactions to you. You are a strong woman who can do this no matter the doubt that you feel now. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and I promise you that it will get easier.
Internet and kitty hugs if you are willing.
Ooh goody, ladybugs!
Those ladybugs could be useful if you have an aphid problem. But I have ethical concerns about shoving insect into a tub and mailing them. How many will still be alive when the package arrives?
Also, our culture’s love of ladybugs interests me. Many people will cringe if you offer to show them a beetle, but if that beetle happens to be a ladybug, suddenly it’s adorable and we love it.
Unrelated: I just discovered a manosphere wiki. It’s better than Wikipedia, which has all that icky feminist
realitybias!Given the manosphere’s obsessions, shouldn’t that be a di[c]ki?
I’m with you, emilygoddess. Poor bugs!
Then again, my kid sister thinks spiders are the greatest thing on earth. Her idea of a good present was to ship an enormous rubber Halloween spider on a string to a friend, with the note that the spider’s name was Bernadette and she’d protect him from nightmares.
@emilygoddess
Oh, god no, I hate lady bugs. I’ve never gotten people who like them. They’re pretty fucking high up on my bug-hate list, higher than even (for nonpoisonous ones) moths, butterflies* and cockroaches.
Then again, I think a large part of my lady-bug-hate is when I used to stay at my aunt’s house, we slept in the attic, which was a fucking lady bug breeding ground. In the summer there were hundreds of lady bugs all around, and in the winter the beds were coated with dead lady bugs, and no matter how hard you tried to get them all out, there would still be more.
*butterflies are too much like moths. Ask fade about that time I nearly trashed the foyer trying to kill a moth.
@LBT
D’awwwww. That’s an adorable present :3
RE: Marie
That friend still has Bernadette! This pleased my sister greatly.
@LBT: hooray!
@emilygoddess: while I find myself philosophically wrestling with the fact that I insist on correcting the vets and vet nurses every time they call my very pretty Ragdoll boy “she” (as in, he’s a cat, they love him, he gets attention, and has no idea or interest in what they’re saying), I do think that this type of behaviour shows how pervasive stereotypical notions of “males” and “females” permeate our cultures. Given that small/domesticated/pet vet staff are attracted to the specialty because they love animals (I assume, YMMV), I wonder if they would be intrigued if you started up a casual conversation on this. In NZ, most of the vets qualifying now are female anyways, so here the vet school has had to start addressing the sexism it contained when acquaintances of mine trained as vets. I don’t know if the same has occurred in your area. So yeah, while not hurtful to the animal, it could be an interesting and mind-broadening (for them, not you, obviously) if you started a conversation.
I find ladybirds cute, and I agree that shipping them seems cruel. I don’t even like the way queen bees are freighted around.
These bugs, however, I have no love for:
Weta, one of my phobias: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weta
Huhu bug (grub is fine, it’s when they fly as adults and bang into windows, plus they bite): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huhu_beetle
@kiwi girl
Blasphemy! Weta’s are waaaayyy cuter than ladybugs. Look at this one It’s eating a carrot it’s so cute! 😀
*should clarify you don’t have to look at it (duh). Especially since you mentioned it was one of your phobias. I just find them strangley cute :3
/faints
Do you ever experience being so scared that you can’t even scream because no sound comes out? That’s me if I see a weta on me or accidentally touch one.
Too late, I looked.
@kiwi girl
🙁 I”m sorry.
Oh Marie, it’s okay, it was just a photo that was nowhere near my fingers. If it had been a book and my fingers had been near the photo when I turned the page, I would have had a slight start. 🙂
My weta phobia is about when they really might touch me. I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I should have put a smiley face on my last comment. You really haven’t upset me or anything, and I did figure it was going to be a photo of a weta when I clicked the link. 🙂 Because you did put in an accurate description.
/hugs
@Kiwi girl
Ok, whew :3