Ally, he’s a fucking bigot. This is the same dipshit can’t cope with you not having a bloody buzz-cut. He’s a hateful creature who loves hurting people. Look what he did to your mother, look what he does to the rest of your family. Would you have said your mother should have stayed with him in case he killed himself after she left? NO, you wouldn’t. The same thing applies to you.
The only person going through pain and suffering here is you. Fuck him, he’s an abuser and he’s the cause of all this distress. It’s like LBT said, this is entirely his choice.
You haven’t been mean or hurtful to anyone here. You’re even nice to trolls!
This is your abused mind talking. It’s parrotting the shit your father wants it to. He can go sit on all the cacti.
Now I feel stupid. I know you guys keep saying it’s my fault, and I understand what you mean. I just can’t shake off this guilt no matter how hard I try.
What? Was that a Freudian typo? It’s emphatically not your fault.
You’re not stupid, you’re extremely intelligent. You’re also an abuse survivor just setting out on her journey to freedom. That’s a fucking huge hurdle you’ve got to get over, and it’s all down to Mr Shiteater, not you. All we can do is keep telling you stuff and hoping it helps combat jerkbrain’s fifth-columnist shit and the guilt that comes with it.
What if one day after I’ve transitioned and I’m happy with myself I found out that he shot himself? What if he decides to jump off a bridge because of him being ashamed about me?
Then good riddance. If he chooses to off himself, that is on HIM. Not you. HIM. That is HIS action, HIS choice, and has nothing to do with you.
It’s like no matter what I do someone is going to go through tons of pain and suffering. I’m like a monster.
Here’s something to think about, Ally. I felt the exact same way a couple years ago. I felt that I caused horrible agony to my parents. That I was a puppeted corpse of their daughter, mocking them with my monstrous unnatural existence. I felt that I should die, because I was causing them such suffering, but I was forbidden even that. I felt that no matter what I did, I caused horrible pain to everyone around me because I had the audacity and weakness to be alive.
You knew me back then. You were probably very new to Manboobz at the time. And I know you didn’t think I deserved to starve myself to near-death, which was the best end I could think for myself at the time.
I finally ended up leaving my parents for good because I felt like I was causing them such agony. And it got bad. They flipped their shit. They called me. They sent me letters, and emails, and checks. My other family members pleaded with me to go back to them, but I stayed.
And the pain stopped. Slowly, one tiny piece at a time, but it stopped. Because we weren’t hurting each other anymore. We were away from each other.
One day, the pain will stop for you too. It will probably take a long time, and it will be awful. But all things end, and one day, this will too. I promise.
You didn’t – it sounded like a Freudian slip (now there was a prize asshole).
Guilt can be utterly irrational, and this sure is. It’s been planted by your abuser. Hang in there, and keep away from him, cut contact – every time you let him talk to you, he leaves you feeling so bad, and that’s exactly what he wants.
I’m having a really rough time right now. I’m currently battling a lot of self-hatred and even a willingness to self-harm. I assure you that I’m okay right now, and I have no way of hurting myself, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt for all of these things I’ve done. If things get worse I assure all of you that I will call a hotline, go on a crisis chat, or email Samaritans. So I’m safe.
I was going to head downstairs and go to my mom for hugs, but I don’t want to scare her or stress her out. I know she loves me and would gladly comfort me but I don’t feel like I deserve something like that from her. Besides, if I cry, I’ll have to hear my horrific voice. I sound like a boy when I cry, just as I always sound like a boy when I speak.
I’m sorry for gushing out like this and making all of you worried. I think I’ll be okay later tonight. All of you are wonderful people and I’m so glad I have a space like this. I’ve never felt this validated and accepted in an online space. Thank you.
Ally, none of this is your fault, but it’s also not your fault that you feel like it IS your fault. Abusers and manipulative people are very good at making other people feel guilty. You just want to live your life AS YOU. He’s the one putting roadblocks in front of that and trying to make you feel like he’s somehow the victim here. I’ve been in relationships with manipulative people and it’s very easy to get pulled into their fucked-up logic in which their problems, their issues are somehow all your fault.
You’re awesome. You don’t deserve to be hurt or punished for wanting to live your life as yourself.
leatapp
10 years ago
Ally,
I cut ties with most of my family of origin to save myself. I don’t regret it. I never have. I tried for years to find some way to have them in my life that didn’t hurt. At one point I blamed myself for everything I could because I wanted the problem to be me. I wanted to think that I was imagining the abuse. I wanted to be the problem so that I could be in control of the problem. When I finally realized that it wasn’t me I began trying to build healthy boundaries. Dedicated, narcissistic, emotional abusers will have none of that. I’m not telling you to abandon all hope for a future that includes your family of origin, but I am telling you that if things don’t work out and you have to let them go to save yourself it will not be your fault. Sacrificing yourself will do nothing to help them and saving yourself will not destroy them. Everyone who said so is right; this is a choice your dad has made and continues to make. If that choice harms him, that’s too bad. You cannot fix him, but you can still do him one huge favor. You can do what he couldn’t: You can save his daughter. You can love her unconditionally, cherish her and protect her. No parent could ask for a greater gift.
When I was a kid I remember reading the story of a woman who was lost at sea with her dog. She loved that dog and she desperately wanted to save it, but the dog kept trying to climb on top of her head and it was drowning her in it’s panic. So, she had to chose to either let go of her beloved pet or die. I felt I had a similar choice to make with my biofamily. They were stuck in as cycle of abuse / enabling and I could not save them. In fact, they were very comfortable with the way things were. I was the weird one for thinking something was wrong. So, I let go. I can tell you that it hurt like hell and that the first thing I did every morning and the last thing I did at night for a while was cry. I was grieving not just the relationships I lost, but the dream of the relationships that could have been. It took time to heal. The process was not fun, but it got better. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t change a thing. In fact, me getting out prompted someone else to see the problem and get out a couple years later. Family can be a beautiful thing, even when it is challenging. But it wasn’t for me. This may sound strange but I still have love for them and I wish them every good thing. I’m not angry with them. In fact, I think they are doing their absolute best to be good people and I think that all things considered, they did OK. They were as good to me as they knew how to be. I don’t think they ever intended me harm. Intention isn’t magic, though. I had to let go to survive and to keep from passing the illness on to my kids.
Whatever you choose to do is OK. None of us can predict the future. But you have to remember that you are not in control of your father’s reactions. You are only responsible for your well being and you deserve to feel whole and happy.
Marie
10 years ago
@ally
::offers hugs:: And of course he’s managing to completely ignore why trans* people have higher suicide rates :/
YOU aren’t causing him distress. HE is causing HIMSELF distress. You aren’t doing ANYTHING to him. You’re EXISTING. If he can’t deal with that, then he shouldn’t be in your company at all.
Seconding for emphasis. None of this is your fault, Ally.
Now I feel stupid. I know you guys keep saying it’s my fault, and I understand what you mean. I just can’t shake off this guilt no matter how hard I try.
(I’m assuming you meant ‘it’s not my fault’) That’s okay. Your feelings are understandable and we’re here to keep reminding you it’s not your fault, when you need it.
I’m sorry for gushing out like this and making all of you worried
Don’t worry. It’s an open thread for personal stuff, you don’t need to apologize for talking about this here.
leatapp
10 years ago
..and Ally, some of us cisladies have deep voices too. Think of Joan Crawford and Cathleen Turner. Or…me. I could teach R. Lee Ermey a thing or two about putting some bass in your bark. 😉
I got to meet Kate Bornstein a few months ago, leatapp! Somehow, I sold her one of my zines. o_o I still don’t know how that happened.
Kiwi girl
10 years ago
@Ally, is there someone (preferably not family) you can talk to, like a counsellor? I was wondering if it would be helpful for you to talk to an experienced person about your worse fears, and have someone awesome help you through them in a safe, face-to-face environment.
I’ve been in the position of blaming myself for a work colleague’s suicide (they told me they were depressed, I tried to cheer them up, they said how they were going to do it, a couple of months later they did it). I blamed myself for ages over that because I believed it was in my power to stop them and I should have been able to stop them. I had quite a few sessions with a counsellor working through this, which is why I am strongly supportive of people seeking counselling (if they are open to that idea).
There is nothing we can say here that will have much of an effect on you – because you’re really intelligent and you will think up a counter-argument (or more than one!) to everything we say. It’s great that you can talk here and get support, and it would be even more great if there was someone closer to you and who is trained in this area.
You’re a really strong person, look at how much shite you have been through already, and what you have accomplished! Look at what a nice person you continue to be posting here. I wish I could do something to make you realise what a wonderful person you are.
/virtual hugs and drink of your choice if you wish
Ally, though we haven’t talked much I’ve been reading here for some time. And I am so sorry things are hard for you right now.
I lived with an abusive partner for years. And do you know what? According to him, not once, not ONCE, in all those years was anything that went wrong ever his fault.
“Look what you made me do. You made me angry. Why did you make me hurt you?” is like the abuser’s official motto.And it is always, always about them. The sun comes up, it’s about them. There’s nothing good on TV, it’s about them. Someone else dares to think or believe something they don’t like it’s all about them and it’s deliberate!
Ally, what your father is doing is trying to make it your ‘fault’ you are you. Think about that. It’s like he’s mad at you for deliberately choosing to have the ‘wrong’ eye color just to hurt him. He wants you to lie to yourself and everyone else in the world about yourself for his sake.
And if you did, would he be happy? I doubt it, nothing I’ve heard about him to date suggests that outcome. I suspect there will always be something wrong with his life and it will always be someone else’s fault.
You are good and kind and have a loving heart. And you deserve to be fucking cherished. You deserve to have people in your life who look at you with love. You shouldn’t have to earn that love by denying who you are.
You cannot fix him, but you can still do him one huge favor. You can do what he couldn’t: You can save his daughter. You can love her unconditionally, cherish her and protect her. No parent could ask for a greater gift.
If I was one of those people with affirmations stuck all over their walls, I’d advise you to get this written up in beautiful calligraphy and in street graffiti style and every other form that appeals to you and put one in every room you ever occupy. Listen to leatapp. This is good stuff. This is e.x.a.c.t.l.y right.
You aren’t ‘making’ him feel anything, or do (or not do) anything. You are simply trying to live authentically, as you said. He is choosing how to react to that, and how he reacts to that is completely out of your control and power.
One of the hardest lessons I was ever forced to learn was that sometimes, the people you love don’t love you back in the way you want them to… and that isn’t your fault, or your doing, or your responsibility to fix. And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for that person is to leave them to their own devices… detach from them (it is a loving thing to do for yourself as well) and let them work it out, or not.
Sometimes, things do end up working out. I had to not see or speak to my father for 9 years in order for us to get to where we are now – I needed to be away from him and work my own issues out, and he had to take care of his own issues as well. When we came back together, it was on my terms – but we’d both done a lot of work. I was prepared for him to NOT be what I hoped, and was ok to walk away if that was the case (and luckily it wasn’t the case), but it took a long time for me to get to that position, where I was fine in myself with or without his love, approval or appropriate behaviour; also, where I was strong enough to say to him the things I needed to say, without ‘needing’ him to react a certain way.
Basically, I had to get to a point where his reactions, behaviours etc were not a factor in my decisions or behaviour – where I valued my needs, and set my boundaries, and felt good about doing so (even if at first, that felt scary and weird and guilty and shameful and…)
It ain’t easy, for sure. But it is good, and healing. If you need to detach from him, that doesn’t make you mean, or unfeeling, or uncaring, or a bad daughter or person. It’s saying “I am going to love you enough to give you only my true, authentic self… and I am going to love myself enough to not engage with you if my true, authentic self is something you can’t/won’t accept.” And then the ball is in his court, and he can decide how he wants to treat you – and you can decide if that treatment is acceptable to you. If it isn’t acceptable to you, then that’s on him, isn’t it? He can make different choices, after all.
Paraphrasing Brene Brown here: In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” … the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are.
You have this in spades. You’re a model of it. And because of it (and all the other wonderful things you are) you’re going to find people who value YOU, and want to be in your life because of who you are. It’s shitty and unfair that right now your father is not one of those people. But that is a reflection of who he is… not who you are. Loving him from a distance is still loving him. Setting boundaries with him is still loving him. It’s just loving yourself too.
I was going to head downstairs and go to my mom for hugs, but I don’t want to scare her or stress her out. I know she loves me and would gladly comfort me but I don’t feel like I deserve something like that from her.
Yes you do. Yes you do. Oh yes, yes you do. You do.
I know you feel like you should punish yourself right now because you’ve done something bad, but if you look around you’ll notice that you are the only person who thinks so. 🙂
Ok – so sometimes when I need to check in with myself, I do this thing where I go to my safe place in my head. Turns out it’s a beach at night, and I sit on this old log. Someone else always shows up to chat with me, and they generally take the form of some deity-type creature – usually a Hindu-type with lots of arms/legs, or a Cthulu-type creature. Why? Dunno. (I kind of look at this exercise as one part of my brain talking with another, better, wiser part of my brain who just happens to have tentacles/6 legs today).
So the ‘me’ part of this mental image starts confessing all this stuff to Vishnu/Cthulu – I’m horrible, I did this, I think that, I didn’t do this, etc. And the ‘deity’ part listens compassionately (sometimes impatiently, when I am really whining) and then responds to me gently, lovingly, sometimes jokingly, and sets me straight.
It’s… well, like a part of your brain has all that self-loathing crap going on. But another part of your brain is loving and knows that self-loathing crap is just that… crap. And right now, the loathing bit is louder than the loving bit. Your loving bit is there (you wouldn’t have reached out if part of you didn’t know that you don’t need to be punished), and I suspect perhaps that your loathing bit is acting, maybe partly at least, out of habit (sorry to make you all worry; I don’t deserve hugs).
This is rambling and nonsensical and I am losing the plot a little – bear with me! 🙂 Point is, part of you knows (intellectually) that you did nothing wrong and don’t deserve punishment, and maybe that part of you just needs a little exercise in order to get louder than the loathing part. So is there something you can do, a little mental ‘trick’ you can play on yourself when the loathing bit kicks in? You don’t have to (mentally) head to a beach and chat with 3-headed deities (or a version of Ganesha! It’s tough to feel bad when you’re chatting with an elephant), but it can be fun. Is there a way you can check in with yourself when you feel like this that would help get you out of it a little, maybe enough to brave asking for a hug from someone who loves you and wants to hug you?
emilygoddess
10 years ago
@Ally, I haven’t chimed in because I don’t have much to add, but there’s a lot of wisdom in what everyone else has been saying to you. And I’d like to repeat my suggestion that you find someone to talk to, even if it’s just a crisis hotline, because you really don’t have to go through this alone.
emilygoddess
10 years ago
I have a rant.
Where I work, we see a lot of cats with blocked urethras, which is not uncommon in male cats. Usually the vets can just place a urethral catheter and remove the blockage, but for cats who block frequently, they will often recommend a perineal urethrostomy (PU): a surgical procedure in which the penis is removed to shorten the urethra and reduce the possibility of blocking again.
Sadly, many of my coworkers have the tendency to refer to this as “making him into a girl”, and it bothers me to no end. I mean, I know we’re talking about cats here, but there’s this extremely old idea in our culture that the penis is the marker of one’s sex, so that having one makes you male and not having one makes you not-male (which has historically meant female). Never mind that the vagina is a structure unto itself, which exists independent of the presence or absence of a penis, or that removing the penis doesn’t make an animal female any more than sewing one on would make them male; no, let’s just swallow this phallocentric notion of sex differences, and apply it to non-humans to boot. But there’s no way for me to say this at work without sounding like some “wombyn-power” stereotype of a feminist – especially since, again, we’re talking about cats – so I rant to you instead.
Everyone else on this thread has been more eloquent and helpful, but Marie’s note about your father using trans suicide stats against you stuck out for me, Ally. He wants to have everything he wants and not take responsibility for any of it.
Please tell me if I’m derailing from you, but I’ve been through this kind of thing first hand. My parents used to “scare me back straight” by often telling me about the corrective rapes asexuals have suffered w/o the context of bigotry. Someone I knew who was bullied for being queer faced that from her relatives every day, about how “people of her kind” go through assaults, homelessness, and suicides and “why would /you/ want to put yourself through that?”
It’s a particular kind of abuse, is it called “compartmentalizing information?” where the abuser constructs a different kind of reality for the abused, so they have no way out relying on the info only the abuser gives them. Even though it’s obvious why trans people’s rates of suicide and depression are so high, your father won’t acknowledge it because people like him refuse to “compromise” (as if accepting you at your happiest should even be “compromising!”) and accept others even if they’re not to your liking! As oraclenine said it’s all about him, and if he does hurt himself (I do not wish that for you) you shouldn’t be pulled down with him, you don’t deserve it.
hellkell
10 years ago
Good news, everyone! I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE AGAIN!
We Hunted The Mammoth
Ally, he’s a fucking bigot. This is the same dipshit can’t cope with you not having a bloody buzz-cut. He’s a hateful creature who loves hurting people. Look what he did to your mother, look what he does to the rest of your family. Would you have said your mother should have stayed with him in case he killed himself after she left? NO, you wouldn’t. The same thing applies to you.
The only person going through pain and suffering here is you. Fuck him, he’s an abuser and he’s the cause of all this distress. It’s like LBT said, this is entirely his choice.
You haven’t been mean or hurtful to anyone here. You’re even nice to trolls!
This is your abused mind talking. It’s parrotting the shit your father wants it to. He can go sit on all the cacti.
What? Was that a Freudian typo? It’s emphatically not your fault.
You’re not stupid, you’re extremely intelligent. You’re also an abuse survivor just setting out on her journey to freedom. That’s a fucking huge hurdle you’ve got to get over, and it’s all down to Mr Shiteater, not you. All we can do is keep telling you stuff and hoping it helps combat jerkbrain’s fifth-columnist shit and the guilt that comes with it.
Sorry, I meant to say that I know you guys keep saying it’s not my fault. Didn’t mean to sound like an asshole there
RE: Ally
What if one day after I’ve transitioned and I’m happy with myself I found out that he shot himself? What if he decides to jump off a bridge because of him being ashamed about me?
Then good riddance. If he chooses to off himself, that is on HIM. Not you. HIM. That is HIS action, HIS choice, and has nothing to do with you.
It’s like no matter what I do someone is going to go through tons of pain and suffering. I’m like a monster.
Here’s something to think about, Ally. I felt the exact same way a couple years ago. I felt that I caused horrible agony to my parents. That I was a puppeted corpse of their daughter, mocking them with my monstrous unnatural existence. I felt that I should die, because I was causing them such suffering, but I was forbidden even that. I felt that no matter what I did, I caused horrible pain to everyone around me because I had the audacity and weakness to be alive.
You knew me back then. You were probably very new to Manboobz at the time. And I know you didn’t think I deserved to starve myself to near-death, which was the best end I could think for myself at the time.
I finally ended up leaving my parents for good because I felt like I was causing them such agony. And it got bad. They flipped their shit. They called me. They sent me letters, and emails, and checks. My other family members pleaded with me to go back to them, but I stayed.
And the pain stopped. Slowly, one tiny piece at a time, but it stopped. Because we weren’t hurting each other anymore. We were away from each other.
One day, the pain will stop for you too. It will probably take a long time, and it will be awful. But all things end, and one day, this will too. I promise.
You didn’t – it sounded like a Freudian slip (now there was a prize asshole).
Guilt can be utterly irrational, and this sure is. It’s been planted by your abuser. Hang in there, and keep away from him, cut contact – every time you let him talk to you, he leaves you feeling so bad, and that’s exactly what he wants.
[Content note: self-harm, self-hatred, dysphoria]
I’m having a really rough time right now. I’m currently battling a lot of self-hatred and even a willingness to self-harm. I assure you that I’m okay right now, and I have no way of hurting myself, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt for all of these things I’ve done. If things get worse I assure all of you that I will call a hotline, go on a crisis chat, or email Samaritans. So I’m safe.
I was going to head downstairs and go to my mom for hugs, but I don’t want to scare her or stress her out. I know she loves me and would gladly comfort me but I don’t feel like I deserve something like that from her. Besides, if I cry, I’ll have to hear my horrific voice. I sound like a boy when I cry, just as I always sound like a boy when I speak.
I’m sorry for gushing out like this and making all of you worried. I think I’ll be okay later tonight. All of you are wonderful people and I’m so glad I have a space like this. I’ve never felt this validated and accepted in an online space. Thank you.
Virtual hugs, Ally, if they’re any help!
Time for me to head off, catch you later.
Wish you were here so I could help make you feel better, Ally.
Ally, none of this is your fault, but it’s also not your fault that you feel like it IS your fault. Abusers and manipulative people are very good at making other people feel guilty. You just want to live your life AS YOU. He’s the one putting roadblocks in front of that and trying to make you feel like he’s somehow the victim here. I’ve been in relationships with manipulative people and it’s very easy to get pulled into their fucked-up logic in which their problems, their issues are somehow all your fault.
You’re awesome. You don’t deserve to be hurt or punished for wanting to live your life as yourself.
Ally,
I cut ties with most of my family of origin to save myself. I don’t regret it. I never have. I tried for years to find some way to have them in my life that didn’t hurt. At one point I blamed myself for everything I could because I wanted the problem to be me. I wanted to think that I was imagining the abuse. I wanted to be the problem so that I could be in control of the problem. When I finally realized that it wasn’t me I began trying to build healthy boundaries. Dedicated, narcissistic, emotional abusers will have none of that. I’m not telling you to abandon all hope for a future that includes your family of origin, but I am telling you that if things don’t work out and you have to let them go to save yourself it will not be your fault. Sacrificing yourself will do nothing to help them and saving yourself will not destroy them. Everyone who said so is right; this is a choice your dad has made and continues to make. If that choice harms him, that’s too bad. You cannot fix him, but you can still do him one huge favor. You can do what he couldn’t: You can save his daughter. You can love her unconditionally, cherish her and protect her. No parent could ask for a greater gift.
When I was a kid I remember reading the story of a woman who was lost at sea with her dog. She loved that dog and she desperately wanted to save it, but the dog kept trying to climb on top of her head and it was drowning her in it’s panic. So, she had to chose to either let go of her beloved pet or die. I felt I had a similar choice to make with my biofamily. They were stuck in as cycle of abuse / enabling and I could not save them. In fact, they were very comfortable with the way things were. I was the weird one for thinking something was wrong. So, I let go. I can tell you that it hurt like hell and that the first thing I did every morning and the last thing I did at night for a while was cry. I was grieving not just the relationships I lost, but the dream of the relationships that could have been. It took time to heal. The process was not fun, but it got better. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t change a thing. In fact, me getting out prompted someone else to see the problem and get out a couple years later. Family can be a beautiful thing, even when it is challenging. But it wasn’t for me. This may sound strange but I still have love for them and I wish them every good thing. I’m not angry with them. In fact, I think they are doing their absolute best to be good people and I think that all things considered, they did OK. They were as good to me as they knew how to be. I don’t think they ever intended me harm. Intention isn’t magic, though. I had to let go to survive and to keep from passing the illness on to my kids.
Whatever you choose to do is OK. None of us can predict the future. But you have to remember that you are not in control of your father’s reactions. You are only responsible for your well being and you deserve to feel whole and happy.
@ally
::offers hugs:: And of course he’s managing to completely ignore why trans* people have higher suicide rates :/
Seconding for emphasis. None of this is your fault, Ally.
(I’m assuming you meant ‘it’s not my fault’) That’s okay. Your feelings are understandable and we’re here to keep reminding you it’s not your fault, when you need it.
Don’t worry. It’s an open thread for personal stuff, you don’t need to apologize for talking about this here.
..and Ally, some of us cisladies have deep voices too. Think of Joan Crawford and Cathleen Turner. Or…me. I could teach R. Lee Ermey a thing or two about putting some bass in your bark. 😉
Here’s a link that might help cheer you: http://katebornstein.typepad.com/
I love Kate. She’s an inspiration.
I got to meet Kate Bornstein a few months ago, leatapp! Somehow, I sold her one of my zines. o_o I still don’t know how that happened.
@Ally, is there someone (preferably not family) you can talk to, like a counsellor? I was wondering if it would be helpful for you to talk to an experienced person about your worse fears, and have someone awesome help you through them in a safe, face-to-face environment.
I’ve been in the position of blaming myself for a work colleague’s suicide (they told me they were depressed, I tried to cheer them up, they said how they were going to do it, a couple of months later they did it). I blamed myself for ages over that because I believed it was in my power to stop them and I should have been able to stop them. I had quite a few sessions with a counsellor working through this, which is why I am strongly supportive of people seeking counselling (if they are open to that idea).
There is nothing we can say here that will have much of an effect on you – because you’re really intelligent and you will think up a counter-argument (or more than one!) to everything we say. It’s great that you can talk here and get support, and it would be even more great if there was someone closer to you and who is trained in this area.
You’re a really strong person, look at how much shite you have been through already, and what you have accomplished! Look at what a nice person you continue to be posting here. I wish I could do something to make you realise what a wonderful person you are.
/virtual hugs and drink of your choice if you wish
::standing ovation for leatapp::
Ally, though we haven’t talked much I’ve been reading here for some time. And I am so sorry things are hard for you right now.
I lived with an abusive partner for years. And do you know what? According to him, not once, not ONCE, in all those years was anything that went wrong ever his fault.
“Look what you made me do. You made me angry. Why did you make me hurt you?” is like the abuser’s official motto.And it is always, always about them. The sun comes up, it’s about them. There’s nothing good on TV, it’s about them. Someone else dares to think or believe something they don’t like it’s all about them and it’s deliberate!
Ally, what your father is doing is trying to make it your ‘fault’ you are you. Think about that. It’s like he’s mad at you for deliberately choosing to have the ‘wrong’ eye color just to hurt him. He wants you to lie to yourself and everyone else in the world about yourself for his sake.
And if you did, would he be happy? I doubt it, nothing I’ve heard about him to date suggests that outcome. I suspect there will always be something wrong with his life and it will always be someone else’s fault.
You are good and kind and have a loving heart. And you deserve to be fucking cherished. You deserve to have people in your life who look at you with love. You shouldn’t have to earn that love by denying who you are.
If I was one of those people with affirmations stuck all over their walls, I’d advise you to get this written up in beautiful calligraphy and in street graffiti style and every other form that appeals to you and put one in every room you ever occupy. Listen to leatapp. This is good stuff. This is e.x.a.c.t.l.y right.
Seconding mildlymagnificent and leatapp here.
You aren’t ‘making’ him feel anything, or do (or not do) anything. You are simply trying to live authentically, as you said. He is choosing how to react to that, and how he reacts to that is completely out of your control and power.
One of the hardest lessons I was ever forced to learn was that sometimes, the people you love don’t love you back in the way you want them to… and that isn’t your fault, or your doing, or your responsibility to fix. And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for that person is to leave them to their own devices… detach from them (it is a loving thing to do for yourself as well) and let them work it out, or not.
Sometimes, things do end up working out. I had to not see or speak to my father for 9 years in order for us to get to where we are now – I needed to be away from him and work my own issues out, and he had to take care of his own issues as well. When we came back together, it was on my terms – but we’d both done a lot of work. I was prepared for him to NOT be what I hoped, and was ok to walk away if that was the case (and luckily it wasn’t the case), but it took a long time for me to get to that position, where I was fine in myself with or without his love, approval or appropriate behaviour; also, where I was strong enough to say to him the things I needed to say, without ‘needing’ him to react a certain way.
Basically, I had to get to a point where his reactions, behaviours etc were not a factor in my decisions or behaviour – where I valued my needs, and set my boundaries, and felt good about doing so (even if at first, that felt scary and weird and guilty and shameful and…)
It ain’t easy, for sure. But it is good, and healing. If you need to detach from him, that doesn’t make you mean, or unfeeling, or uncaring, or a bad daughter or person. It’s saying “I am going to love you enough to give you only my true, authentic self… and I am going to love myself enough to not engage with you if my true, authentic self is something you can’t/won’t accept.” And then the ball is in his court, and he can decide how he wants to treat you – and you can decide if that treatment is acceptable to you. If it isn’t acceptable to you, then that’s on him, isn’t it? He can make different choices, after all.
Paraphrasing Brene Brown here: In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” … the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are.
You have this in spades. You’re a model of it. And because of it (and all the other wonderful things you are) you’re going to find people who value YOU, and want to be in your life because of who you are. It’s shitty and unfair that right now your father is not one of those people. But that is a reflection of who he is… not who you are. Loving him from a distance is still loving him. Setting boundaries with him is still loving him. It’s just loving yourself too.
Yes you do. Yes you do. Oh yes, yes you do. You do.
I know you feel like you should punish yourself right now because you’ve done something bad, but if you look around you’ll notice that you are the only person who thinks so. 🙂
Ok – so sometimes when I need to check in with myself, I do this thing where I go to my safe place in my head. Turns out it’s a beach at night, and I sit on this old log. Someone else always shows up to chat with me, and they generally take the form of some deity-type creature – usually a Hindu-type with lots of arms/legs, or a Cthulu-type creature. Why? Dunno. (I kind of look at this exercise as one part of my brain talking with another, better, wiser part of my brain who just happens to have tentacles/6 legs today).
So the ‘me’ part of this mental image starts confessing all this stuff to Vishnu/Cthulu – I’m horrible, I did this, I think that, I didn’t do this, etc. And the ‘deity’ part listens compassionately (sometimes impatiently, when I am really whining) and then responds to me gently, lovingly, sometimes jokingly, and sets me straight.
It’s… well, like a part of your brain has all that self-loathing crap going on. But another part of your brain is loving and knows that self-loathing crap is just that… crap. And right now, the loathing bit is louder than the loving bit. Your loving bit is there (you wouldn’t have reached out if part of you didn’t know that you don’t need to be punished), and I suspect perhaps that your loathing bit is acting, maybe partly at least, out of habit (sorry to make you all worry; I don’t deserve hugs).
This is rambling and nonsensical and I am losing the plot a little – bear with me! 🙂 Point is, part of you knows (intellectually) that you did nothing wrong and don’t deserve punishment, and maybe that part of you just needs a little exercise in order to get louder than the loathing part. So is there something you can do, a little mental ‘trick’ you can play on yourself when the loathing bit kicks in? You don’t have to (mentally) head to a beach and chat with 3-headed deities (or a version of Ganesha! It’s tough to feel bad when you’re chatting with an elephant), but it can be fun. Is there a way you can check in with yourself when you feel like this that would help get you out of it a little, maybe enough to brave asking for a hug from someone who loves you and wants to hug you?
@Ally, I haven’t chimed in because I don’t have much to add, but there’s a lot of wisdom in what everyone else has been saying to you. And I’d like to repeat my suggestion that you find someone to talk to, even if it’s just a crisis hotline, because you really don’t have to go through this alone.
I have a rant.
Where I work, we see a lot of cats with blocked urethras, which is not uncommon in male cats. Usually the vets can just place a urethral catheter and remove the blockage, but for cats who block frequently, they will often recommend a perineal urethrostomy (PU): a surgical procedure in which the penis is removed to shorten the urethra and reduce the possibility of blocking again.
Sadly, many of my coworkers have the tendency to refer to this as “making him into a girl”, and it bothers me to no end. I mean, I know we’re talking about cats here, but there’s this extremely old idea in our culture that the penis is the marker of one’s sex, so that having one makes you male and not having one makes you not-male (which has historically meant female). Never mind that the vagina is a structure unto itself, which exists independent of the presence or absence of a penis, or that removing the penis doesn’t make an animal female any more than sewing one on would make them male; no, let’s just swallow this phallocentric notion of sex differences, and apply it to non-humans to boot. But there’s no way for me to say this at work without sounding like some “wombyn-power” stereotype of a feminist – especially since, again, we’re talking about cats – so I rant to you instead.
Good news, everyone! I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE AGAIN!
I just wanted to announce this because I’m so happy and relieved about it. I no longer have to fear being in perennial debt if I get hit by a car!
@LBT
Yea insurance!!!
Everyone else on this thread has been more eloquent and helpful, but Marie’s note about your father using trans suicide stats against you stuck out for me, Ally. He wants to have everything he wants and not take responsibility for any of it.
Please tell me if I’m derailing from you, but I’ve been through this kind of thing first hand. My parents used to “scare me back straight” by often telling me about the corrective rapes asexuals have suffered w/o the context of bigotry. Someone I knew who was bullied for being queer faced that from her relatives every day, about how “people of her kind” go through assaults, homelessness, and suicides and “why would /you/ want to put yourself through that?”
It’s a particular kind of abuse, is it called “compartmentalizing information?” where the abuser constructs a different kind of reality for the abused, so they have no way out relying on the info only the abuser gives them. Even though it’s obvious why trans people’s rates of suicide and depression are so high, your father won’t acknowledge it because people like him refuse to “compromise” (as if accepting you at your happiest should even be “compromising!”) and accept others even if they’re not to your liking! As oraclenine said it’s all about him, and if he does hurt himself (I do not wish that for you) you shouldn’t be pulled down with him, you don’t deserve it.
WOOT!