@ Ally, please don’t take this as pressure to undergo transition but do you have a way to have people donate to you, something like a paypal account? I’m extremely sorry for what you have to put with from others and until you do find a way to afford the transition I wish the best for you.
Thank you for all of your kind words, everyone. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to everyone. And as for donations, I do have a PayPal account, so if anyone wants to send me money I will gladly accept it. Email me at aaliyahsyed94[at]gmail[dot]com for details if you want to donate. I don’t want to pressure anyone to donate, especially not anyone who is in a financially tight situation, but I would really appreciate it.
Anyway, I have arrived in Boulder, CO with my mom. Things are nice, although I admit that I almost started crying in the car when katz and her husband were dropping me off. They are some of the kindest and most likable people I have ever met.
In other news, apparently my dad has been trying to gender me properly. He is trying to use different pronouns and call me his daughter (“baitee” in Urdu) rather than his son (“beta” in Urdu).
Anyway, I feel odd when I hear about my dad being accepting. For so long I have seen him as intolerant, but maybe my coming out really has encouraged him to rethink his views. I hope that’s the case.
Ally, so glad you got there safely. And I’m not at all surprised to hear that katz et al. are as decent/wonderful as we all suspected.
I hope your dad will grow from this experience, and I also hope you will be able to watch that growth independently and without any ability on his part to control/coerce you.
Welp, the worst of my fears about my older sister’s douchey boyfriend have been confirmed. He seems to be nicer than before, but he’s also a vehemently anti-feminist “humanist.” I just blankly stared at my plate and ate slowly as he regurgitated countless bullshit “egalitarian” talking points I’ve heard before – everything from the opposition to feminist “fabrication” in social science to biological determinism a la Steven Pinker. He also joked about feminist “obsession” with rape and made some very awful rape jokes.
And to top it all of, even though he accepted me for being trans, he still talked about me as if I was a guy. He said that he can always tell if someone is a “man” by looking at their facial features and kept telling me that I should consider having sex with people before I transition. Although the things he was saying were terrible and stupid, the thing that annoyed me the most is that he never stopped talking about how much he hates feminism.
Also, it seems that my sister happens to agree with him on almost everything, so they are basically a FeMRA/MRA couple. They even said (not verbatim) “We’re just telling you about how bad feminism is because we care about you and don’t want you to be brainwashed.”
I’m really not happy about these developments. Time for a smoke.
titianblue
10 years ago
Sending jedi hugs your way, Ally. That sounds awful.
I will never sever my sister from my life because I’m very attached to her. It’s not like she’s TyphonBlue tier or GirlWritesWhat tier – she just kind of passively agrees with her boyfriend, who I still suspect is manipulative towards her. She was the first person I came out to and she has always been very supportive.
Just had an extremely triggering conversation with my dad over the phone. Some “highlights” (not verbatim):
“I don’t care if you want to maim yourself”
“If you choose this new lifestyle, you are more likely to be depressed and commit suicide”*
“All of this stress of you coming out is enough to actually kill me”
I hate myself. I’m so afraid of driving him over the edge and causing him mental distress. He hasn’t even concentrated on work in 10 days. I feel so sad and guilty about this but there’s nothing I can do.
*He apparently got that from statistics he read about regarding trans people
Ally, I’m guessing you’re having another panic attack right now, but please remember what we’ve all said –
None of this is your fault
Your father is an abuser who is trying every. damn. trick. to force you back under his control. His control has slipped, you’re away from him, and he’s freaking out.
You haven’t done anything to him. He’s brought everything on himself by being an abusive fuck.
Look at how he’s lying and changing his story! One minute he’s all Mr Nice calling you ‘daughter’, next he’s back to his shitstain self. This is all to unbalance you and frighten you, to punish and control you. The ugly side of him is the real one.
Please, keep away from him, do not trust him and never let your guard down. Don’t talk to him, control any contact (I would say don’t have any contact at all but I gather you’re not ready for that).
He’s an abuser, Ally. Think of this how you’d think for a friend in this situation. Would you give their abuser the benefit of the doubt, or blame the victim? No way. Remember you’re the victim here, do not blame yourself. Don’t play his game for him.
I don’t think I’m having an anxiety attack but he really hurt my feelings. He’s even talking about my “choice” as if I’m some immoral creature who prefers to follow secular law instead of religion. He’s guilt-tripping me with stuff like “Hey, as long as it’s legal, it’s okay!” in order to make me feel bad about wanting to transition (the assumption here being that the law is obviously corrupt and should never be followed instead of religion). And on top of that he has expressed his wish to move to another country without restraining order laws (or at least very restricted ones).
Why is he being so mean to me? I just want to live authentically. I never wanted to make him feel suicidal or hurt his productivity. I’ve always wanted him to be happy despite all of the things he does to me.
Unimaginative
10 years ago
Why is he being so mean to me?
Because he is an abuser. He CHOOSES to be this way. It is not your fault, and there’s nothing you can do to make him happy. Even if you could read his mind and obey his wishes before he says them, he’ll still be mean to you.
“All of this stress of you coming out is enough to actually kill me”
No, it isn’t. Parents throughout history have had trans kids and somehow managed to survive. He’s an adult. You’re the child. He just has to suck it the fuck up and be a grown-up.
I’m so afraid of driving him over the edge and causing him mental distress.
YOU aren’t causing him distress. HE is causing HIMSELF distress. You aren’t doing ANYTHING to him. You’re EXISTING. If he can’t deal with that, then he shouldn’t be in your company at all.
He hasn’t even concentrated on work in 10 days. I feel so sad and guilty about this but there’s nothing I can do.
Correct. You can’t make him focus on his work. He’s an adult, in charge of his own life.
Why is he being so mean to me?
Because you’re leaving. He sees you bucking his control, and that TERRIFIES him. So he is going to try and break you so you come back and things go back to normal. Don’t give in. JUST. KEEP. RUNNING.
Also, I got a check from my parents. FUCKING ASS. I’m going to have to have some words with my grandmother for giving them my new address without asking permission.
I’m just terrified. What if one day after I’ve transitioned and I’m happy with myself I found out that he shot himself? What if he decides to jump off a bridge because of him being ashamed about me? It’s like no matter what I do someone is going to go through tons of pain and suffering. I’m like a monster. I’m very sorry if I have been hurtful or mean to any of you guys.
Now I feel stupid. I know you guys keep saying it’s my fault, and I understand what you mean. I just can’t shake off this guilt no matter how hard I try.
We Hunted The Mammoth
@ Ally, please don’t take this as pressure to undergo transition but do you have a way to have people donate to you, something like a paypal account? I’m extremely sorry for what you have to put with from others and until you do find a way to afford the transition I wish the best for you.
@ kittehserf Thank you so much!
You’re welcome!
Hugs for anyone who needs one!
Susan Faludi is pretty good, auggziliary. Worth reading.
I have Backlash on my bookshelf, although I haven’t read it for a while.
Thank you for all of your kind words, everyone. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to everyone. And as for donations, I do have a PayPal account, so if anyone wants to send me money I will gladly accept it. Email me at aaliyahsyed94[at]gmail[dot]com for details if you want to donate. I don’t want to pressure anyone to donate, especially not anyone who is in a financially tight situation, but I would really appreciate it.
Anyway, I have arrived in Boulder, CO with my mom. Things are nice, although I admit that I almost started crying in the car when katz and her husband were dropping me off. They are some of the kindest and most likable people I have ever met.
In other news, apparently my dad has been trying to gender me properly. He is trying to use different pronouns and call me his daughter (“baitee” in Urdu) rather than his son (“beta” in Urdu).
Glad you got there safely, Ally!
Don’t tell the MRAs son is beta in Urdu. Imagine the shitfits they’d have.
LOL
Anyway, I feel odd when I hear about my dad being accepting. For so long I have seen him as intolerant, but maybe my coming out really has encouraged him to rethink his views. I hope that’s the case.
Ally, so glad you got there safely. And I’m not at all surprised to hear that katz et al. are as decent/wonderful as we all suspected.
I hope your dad will grow from this experience, and I also hope you will be able to watch that growth independently and without any ability on his part to control/coerce you.
<3
Yay Ally, that’s great news. 🙂
We will miss you, Ally (and so will Mot + Tawn + Duke). It’s been fun.
Great to hear, Ally.
Any news on Lana?
Welp, the worst of my fears about my older sister’s douchey boyfriend have been confirmed. He seems to be nicer than before, but he’s also a vehemently anti-feminist “humanist.” I just blankly stared at my plate and ate slowly as he regurgitated countless bullshit “egalitarian” talking points I’ve heard before – everything from the opposition to feminist “fabrication” in social science to biological determinism a la Steven Pinker. He also joked about feminist “obsession” with rape and made some very awful rape jokes.
And to top it all of, even though he accepted me for being trans, he still talked about me as if I was a guy. He said that he can always tell if someone is a “man” by looking at their facial features and kept telling me that I should consider having sex with people before I transition. Although the things he was saying were terrible and stupid, the thing that annoyed me the most is that he never stopped talking about how much he hates feminism.
Also, it seems that my sister happens to agree with him on almost everything, so they are basically a FeMRA/MRA couple. They even said (not verbatim) “We’re just telling you about how bad feminism is because we care about you and don’t want you to be brainwashed.”
I’m really not happy about these developments. Time for a smoke.
Sending jedi hugs your way, Ally. That sounds awful.
Sounds like they’re on the list of People To Sever From Your Life as soon as you’re able, Ally.
I will never sever my sister from my life because I’m very attached to her. It’s not like she’s TyphonBlue tier or GirlWritesWhat tier – she just kind of passively agrees with her boyfriend, who I still suspect is manipulative towards her. She was the first person I came out to and she has always been very supportive.
Sounds like it’ll need to be her but not both, then.
@Ally
Well, he sounds like a huge asshole. ::offers free hugs and alcoholic drinks::
Just had an extremely triggering conversation with my dad over the phone. Some “highlights” (not verbatim):
“I don’t care if you want to maim yourself”
“If you choose this new lifestyle, you are more likely to be depressed and commit suicide”*
“All of this stress of you coming out is enough to actually kill me”
I hate myself. I’m so afraid of driving him over the edge and causing him mental distress. He hasn’t even concentrated on work in 10 days. I feel so sad and guilty about this but there’s nothing I can do.
*He apparently got that from statistics he read about regarding trans people
Ally, I’m guessing you’re having another panic attack right now, but please remember what we’ve all said –
None of this is your fault
Your father is an abuser who is trying every. damn. trick. to force you back under his control. His control has slipped, you’re away from him, and he’s freaking out.
You haven’t done anything to him. He’s brought everything on himself by being an abusive fuck.
Look at how he’s lying and changing his story! One minute he’s all Mr Nice calling you ‘daughter’, next he’s back to his shitstain self. This is all to unbalance you and frighten you, to punish and control you. The ugly side of him is the real one.
Please, keep away from him, do not trust him and never let your guard down. Don’t talk to him, control any contact (I would say don’t have any contact at all but I gather you’re not ready for that).
He’s an abuser, Ally. Think of this how you’d think for a friend in this situation. Would you give their abuser the benefit of the doubt, or blame the victim? No way. Remember you’re the victim here, do not blame yourself. Don’t play his game for him.
I don’t think I’m having an anxiety attack but he really hurt my feelings. He’s even talking about my “choice” as if I’m some immoral creature who prefers to follow secular law instead of religion. He’s guilt-tripping me with stuff like “Hey, as long as it’s legal, it’s okay!” in order to make me feel bad about wanting to transition (the assumption here being that the law is obviously corrupt and should never be followed instead of religion). And on top of that he has expressed his wish to move to another country without restraining order laws (or at least very restricted ones).
Why is he being so mean to me? I just want to live authentically. I never wanted to make him feel suicidal or hurt his productivity. I’ve always wanted him to be happy despite all of the things he does to me.
Because he is an abuser. He CHOOSES to be this way. It is not your fault, and there’s nothing you can do to make him happy. Even if you could read his mind and obey his wishes before he says them, he’ll still be mean to you.
I’m sorry. I wish he was a better person.
RE: Ally
“All of this stress of you coming out is enough to actually kill me”
No, it isn’t. Parents throughout history have had trans kids and somehow managed to survive. He’s an adult. You’re the child. He just has to suck it the fuck up and be a grown-up.
I’m so afraid of driving him over the edge and causing him mental distress.
YOU aren’t causing him distress. HE is causing HIMSELF distress. You aren’t doing ANYTHING to him. You’re EXISTING. If he can’t deal with that, then he shouldn’t be in your company at all.
He hasn’t even concentrated on work in 10 days. I feel so sad and guilty about this but there’s nothing I can do.
Correct. You can’t make him focus on his work. He’s an adult, in charge of his own life.
Why is he being so mean to me?
Because you’re leaving. He sees you bucking his control, and that TERRIFIES him. So he is going to try and break you so you come back and things go back to normal. Don’t give in. JUST. KEEP. RUNNING.
Also, I got a check from my parents. FUCKING ASS. I’m going to have to have some words with my grandmother for giving them my new address without asking permission.
[Content note: suicide]
I’m just terrified. What if one day after I’ve transitioned and I’m happy with myself I found out that he shot himself? What if he decides to jump off a bridge because of him being ashamed about me? It’s like no matter what I do someone is going to go through tons of pain and suffering. I’m like a monster. I’m very sorry if I have been hurtful or mean to any of you guys.
Now I feel stupid. I know you guys keep saying it’s my fault, and I understand what you mean. I just can’t shake off this guilt no matter how hard I try.