Oh, it’s just something that happens to him under severe stress. He has experienced such delusions before, and he is much calmer now and his delusions are going away according to my brother.
And to clarify, that thing about kissing the mother’s feet is an Islamic saying, so that has nothing to do with his delusions.
Crap, I didn’t refresh before posting. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Ally. I don’t mean to make you all paranoid, but I don’t trust your dad.
cassandrakitty
10 years ago
One thing – your brother bought your plane ticket, right? So he knows what flight you’re taking? If so you might want to be careful at the airport, in case he’s told your dad, or your dad has forced/manipulated the information out of him.
Is someone meeting you at the airport, Ally? Someone physically capable of helping you if your parental unit tries to hurt or kidnap you?
I got the bit about kissing your mother’s feet, it was clear that was an Islamic saying. It just better not include stepmothers who happen to be abuse enablers. >:(
cassandrakitty
10 years ago
I’d also suggest checking in as late as possible, or very early, and then going directly to the gate where he won’t be able to follow you without a ticket.
Oh, for dog’s sake. I was trying so hard to write this clearly that I borked it completely:
Ally, this is not normal behaviour. It is NOT your fault. You are taking care of yourself, HE is acting in non-standard and, more importantly, non-harmful ways. (I absolutely don’t mean this as a slight against our members with mental illness, who do not intentionally hurt the people around them. I mean, your dad is displaying malevolent behaviour. This behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT. HE is choosing to react this way to your taking care of yourself.
I meant, he is acting in *harmful* ways, and I mean to close the parenthesis at the end of that sentence.
Very early sounds like a good idea to me. Going late means too many chances of something delaying you and missing the flight. Though how early do the gates for flights open? Hmm.
cassandrakitty
10 years ago
I dunno, it depends. Maybe call ahead and ask? Wouldn’t be a great plan to check in early if going through security immediately isn’t an option. Once past security she should be a lot safer though.
Marie
10 years ago
@Ally
I feel so horrible and selfish. What have I done?
All you’ve done is try to escape your abusive dad. You aren’t horrible and you aren’t selfish. You don’t owe him (or anybody) a relationship. And you can have all the internet hugs from me you want.
I’m sorry guys; I had a self-loathing anxiety attack. I
I’m more concerned about when she gets TO Colorado.
I assume that your dad knows how to find your mom’s place, Ally? Is there any danger that, if he knows you’re going there, he’ll go there too, and force his way in?
Oh, it’s just something that happens to him under severe stress. He has experienced such delusions before, and he is much calmer now and his delusions are going away according to my brother.
Still. I’m going to warn you: this is going to happen again, and a LOT. I have yet to meet an abuser who didn’t escalate their behavior like mad when someone started leaving them. In his mind, you’re threatening his control, and he needs to make you come back as quickly as possible. So expect this to happen again, and worse, as he goes through every tactic he has to get you to come back. Expect crying, begging, pleading, apologies, and then escalating to threats of violence. Or whatever tricks he prefers.
I’ve had folks asking me when I’m going to return to the workforce, and I’m like, “Are you kidding? I’m still getting used to having a bed and heat, I just want to fucking SLEEP for a bajillion years.”
LBT, I’m going to recommend sleeping. The only way to recover from burnout is to rest and recover. Feed your adrenal glands, sleep, nap, dream, grieve, and recover. Be kind to yourself, and don’t expect to start feeling any kind of (non-artificial) energy for at least six months.
cassandrakitty
10 years ago
Yeah, that too, Unimaginative. Who’s meeting you at the other end, Ally? Are they aware of what’s going on with your dad? If not, probably a good idea to give them a heads up, and to try to arrange a backup place to stay that he wouldn’t know how to find if at all possible. Just in case.
You guys have lots of good advice – I really appreciate your help – but I’m afraid I can’t comment on it right now. I’m safe and all, but I’m in the middle of trying to recover from my anxiety attack and so I can’t afford to think about the airport stuff. I feel really awful and unable to relax right now.
This is good advice, and I plan to take you up on it. Like, in some ways, I’m trying to rush into being a professional artist (because if I can’t do it now, then it’s proof I’m not TRULY serious about it) and doing all the things… but I should probably step back and just slug around for a bit, using all my energy for just recovering and doing the things I have to: basic maintenance, emotional needs of my hubby and system, etc.
cassandrakitty
10 years ago
You’re probably not going to be able to do your best work if you’re exhausted, LBT. Rest up a bit first, get your social security stuff taken care of.
1) Ally, to repeat what everyone else has said — his behavior is NOT your fault! See what time airport security opens, go be there when they open. Bring your laptop and chill in the terminal, once past security he can’t get to you. As for the CO side, does your mother still have a restraining order against him? (She did at one point, right?)
And answer his emails and such on your terms, not his. Don’t let him guilt trip you into going back. My father tried everything and I had fucking moved out into an apartment my mother cosigned, my address was posted on the fridge! And I was enrolled in college there (there being 500~ miles away), yet he’d call, and plead how much he missed me and wouldn’t I just come home. I guess my mother had a talk with him cuz he mostly knocked it off fairly soon after I left.
Yours is probably having a freak out about how he failed as a parent, to which I say GOOD. He has, and his current suffering will hopefully settle into the realization that he fucked up, I doubt it, but either way it isn’t your problem. He’s the failure here, not you.
2) Sneak — you stick it in a dish of water and keep the dish full, rotate it about a quarter turn weekly~ so it doesn’t bend trying to reach for the sun. Nice and easy 🙂 And I’ll send it with a little tray for the water once it’s nice enough. Keep out of direct sun and don’t get the leaves wet.
And thanks, now I only have one too many and I think I have room for it 🙂
3) auggz re: that pro/anti ana site — no fucking clue.
Sneak is very excited about having a new pet; we forgot zer aloe vera in Boston, and zie is very saddened by this.
RE: Cassandrakitty
Yeah, probably so. It’s a pattern I’ve had throughout my life, but I’m determined to break it for good this time! It’s just so HARD not to do things, especially when they’re things I so badly WANT to be able to do!
cassandrakitty
10 years ago
I know it’s tempting, but I always look back at stuff I wrote when I was cruising on 5 hours sleep in 3 days and cringe. At a certain point it’s either rest or burn out, you know?
We Hunted The Mammoth
Oh, it’s just something that happens to him under severe stress. He has experienced such delusions before, and he is much calmer now and his delusions are going away according to my brother.
And to clarify, that thing about kissing the mother’s feet is an Islamic saying, so that has nothing to do with his delusions.
Crap, I didn’t refresh before posting. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Ally. I don’t mean to make you all paranoid, but I don’t trust your dad.
One thing – your brother bought your plane ticket, right? So he knows what flight you’re taking? If so you might want to be careful at the airport, in case he’s told your dad, or your dad has forced/manipulated the information out of him.
@cassandrakitty
I don’t think he knows the flight number – he just knows that I have a ticket. Just to be safe, though, I could go to the airport via public transit.
Wow, those zentangles are beautiful!
They also make me think I should be dressed like this. 😉
Is there anyone who can go with you? Might be better to have someone else there if possible, just in case.
Is someone meeting you at the airport, Ally? Someone physically capable of helping you if your parental unit tries to hurt or kidnap you?
I got the bit about kissing your mother’s feet, it was clear that was an Islamic saying. It just better not include stepmothers who happen to be abuse enablers. >:(
I’d also suggest checking in as late as possible, or very early, and then going directly to the gate where he won’t be able to follow you without a ticket.
Oh, for dog’s sake. I was trying so hard to write this clearly that I borked it completely:
I meant, he is acting in *harmful* ways, and I mean to close the parenthesis at the end of that sentence.
Very early sounds like a good idea to me. Going late means too many chances of something delaying you and missing the flight. Though how early do the gates for flights open? Hmm.
I dunno, it depends. Maybe call ahead and ask? Wouldn’t be a great plan to check in early if going through security immediately isn’t an option. Once past security she should be a lot safer though.
@Ally
All you’ve done is try to escape your abusive dad. You aren’t horrible and you aren’t selfish. You don’t owe him (or anybody) a relationship. And you can have all the internet hugs from me you want.
You don’t have anything to apologize for.
I’m more concerned about when she gets TO Colorado.
I assume that your dad knows how to find your mom’s place, Ally? Is there any danger that, if he knows you’re going there, he’ll go there too, and force his way in?
RE: Ally
Oh, it’s just something that happens to him under severe stress. He has experienced such delusions before, and he is much calmer now and his delusions are going away according to my brother.
Still. I’m going to warn you: this is going to happen again, and a LOT. I have yet to meet an abuser who didn’t escalate their behavior like mad when someone started leaving them. In his mind, you’re threatening his control, and he needs to make you come back as quickly as possible. So expect this to happen again, and worse, as he goes through every tactic he has to get you to come back. Expect crying, begging, pleading, apologies, and then escalating to threats of violence. Or whatever tricks he prefers.
LBT, I’m going to recommend sleeping. The only way to recover from burnout is to rest and recover. Feed your adrenal glands, sleep, nap, dream, grieve, and recover. Be kind to yourself, and don’t expect to start feeling any kind of (non-artificial) energy for at least six months.
Yeah, that too, Unimaginative. Who’s meeting you at the other end, Ally? Are they aware of what’s going on with your dad? If not, probably a good idea to give them a heads up, and to try to arrange a backup place to stay that he wouldn’t know how to find if at all possible. Just in case.
You guys have lots of good advice – I really appreciate your help – but I’m afraid I can’t comment on it right now. I’m safe and all, but I’m in the middle of trying to recover from my anxiety attack and so I can’t afford to think about the airport stuff. I feel really awful and unable to relax right now.
RE: Unimaginative
This is good advice, and I plan to take you up on it. Like, in some ways, I’m trying to rush into being a professional artist (because if I can’t do it now, then it’s proof I’m not TRULY serious about it) and doing all the things… but I should probably step back and just slug around for a bit, using all my energy for just recovering and doing the things I have to: basic maintenance, emotional needs of my hubby and system, etc.
You’re probably not going to be able to do your best work if you’re exhausted, LBT. Rest up a bit first, get your social security stuff taken care of.
1) Ally, to repeat what everyone else has said — his behavior is NOT your fault! See what time airport security opens, go be there when they open. Bring your laptop and chill in the terminal, once past security he can’t get to you. As for the CO side, does your mother still have a restraining order against him? (She did at one point, right?)
And answer his emails and such on your terms, not his. Don’t let him guilt trip you into going back. My father tried everything and I had fucking moved out into an apartment my mother cosigned, my address was posted on the fridge! And I was enrolled in college there (there being 500~ miles away), yet he’d call, and plead how much he missed me and wouldn’t I just come home. I guess my mother had a talk with him cuz he mostly knocked it off fairly soon after I left.
Yours is probably having a freak out about how he failed as a parent, to which I say GOOD. He has, and his current suffering will hopefully settle into the realization that he fucked up, I doubt it, but either way it isn’t your problem. He’s the failure here, not you.
2) Sneak — you stick it in a dish of water and keep the dish full, rotate it about a quarter turn weekly~ so it doesn’t bend trying to reach for the sun. Nice and easy 🙂 And I’ll send it with a little tray for the water once it’s nice enough. Keep out of direct sun and don’t get the leaves wet.
And thanks, now I only have one too many and I think I have room for it 🙂
3) auggz re: that pro/anti ana site — no fucking clue.
RE: Argenti
Sneak is very excited about having a new pet; we forgot zer aloe vera in Boston, and zie is very saddened by this.
RE: Cassandrakitty
Yeah, probably so. It’s a pattern I’ve had throughout my life, but I’m determined to break it for good this time! It’s just so HARD not to do things, especially when they’re things I so badly WANT to be able to do!
I know it’s tempting, but I always look back at stuff I wrote when I was cruising on 5 hours sleep in 3 days and cringe. At a certain point it’s either rest or burn out, you know?
Also, this right here:
is straight-up bullshit. That’s your workaholism & self-doubt talking, and they need to fuck right off.
@Ally
That’s fine. Take all the time you want to recover from your anxiety attack, and if you need to talk about airport stuff later, we’ll still be here. 🙂
This is one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had in months. I’m so sorry for being like this, guys.