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Attention-seeking manosphere douchebag offers how-to guide for abusive boyfriends

Not the model for a happy and successful relationship
Not the model for a happy and successful relationship

Apparently hoping to gin up another flood of hate-traffic to his blog, the attention-seeking human stain whose name rhymes with Batt Gorney has posted what is essentially a how-to guide for would-be abusive boyfriends under the charming title “How to Crush a Girl’s Self-Esteem.”

“Gorney” has conveniently arranged his suggestions into a numbered list, so let’s proceed through them one by one. (If you’re triggered by explicit discussions of psychological and physical abuse, please stop reading now.)

Step one, in “Gorney’s” not-so-unique 6-step-plan: “Constantly make her feel inadequate.”

And how do you do that? Easy as pie.

Every time she does something for you, find out what she did wrong and remind her of it. If you can’t find any problems, make some up.

And try some mild gaslighting while you’re at it.

[Y]ou should always sound calm and collected, like you’re talking about the weather. Denigrating her in a neutral-but-firm fashion will trip her submissiveness circuitry, making her think about how she can better serve you. And every time she reaches the goalposts, you move them, forcing her to play an eternal game of catch-up.

Like the salesmen in Glengarry Glen Ross, you should Always Be Criticizing:

The concept is that if you criticize girls for minor mistakes, they’ll be less likely to commit major ones, as their mental energy is expended on dealing with your every complaint. For example, if you constantly critique the way she dresses, you won’t be arguing with her over whether she should get a tattoo or nose piercing to express her “individuality.”

In step 2, “Dominate her physically and sexually,”“Gorney” encourages his readers to violate their girlfriend’s personal and sexual boundaries at every chance.

Repeatedly violate her boundaries in small, petty ways, small enough that she’ll feel petty for complaining to you.

That’s right: abuse her strategically, and in such a way that she feels crazy for complaining about your abuse. “Gorney” is thinking like a true abuser.

For example, if you’re into anal sex and she’s not thrilled about it, the next time you take her from behind, stick your finger into her asshole. If she doesn’t like facials, cum in her hair instead. Lightly clasp your hand around her throat during sex like you’re going to choke her. (Do not actually choke her. That is dangerous.) Smack her on the behind when you’re out in public. The possibilities are endless.

The message you want to send her is simple: it’s not her body anymore.

This is all textbook abusive behavior.

“Gorney” follows this with a lovely bit of rationalization:

Most girls want you to dominate them anyway, but the rationalization hamster and their conscious minds prevent them from articulating this desire.

And then it’s back to more strategic abuse:

[I]f she lets you get away with minor violations of her boundaries, she’ll accede to your bigger demands later on, letting you mold her into the perfect plaything. If she doesn’t violently resist getting her anus fingered, a little more pressure and you’ll be full-on sodomizing her, grinning as she whimpers between each thrust.

Apparently the only sexual pleasure “Gorney” can imagine from anal sex is the pleasure he evidently gets from forcing women into it against their will.

Oh, and make sure you never give her the chance to say “no.”

Never ask her for anything, because asking is begging, and begging is contemptible.

Yep. Avoid the thorny issue of consent by never asking, and assuming that anything other than violent resistance is a “yes.”

Step 3 in “Gorney’s” program takes the creepiness into overdrive: “Isolate her from her friends and family.”

I don’t have much to say about this one; there’s a reason this is a favorite technique of cults and domestic abusers alike. Here’s Gorney’s take on it:

You need to be the primary emotional influence in her life, and you can’t do that if she’s leaning on anyone else for support. Gradually wean her from contact with anyone other than you.

What’s in it for you?

Not only will this increase her emotional dependence on you, it will make her more willing to please you; she’ll be less likely to wreck the relationship if she knows she’ll be all alone if it goes south.

For step 4, “Gorney” puts away the stick for a moment and pulls out a carrot, urging his readers to “Reward her at random intervals.”

But his emphasis is as much on the random as on the rewards; this is yet another gaslighting trick.

If you reward her every time she does good, she’ll see the pattern and use it to manipulate you. But if you reward her at random, her little hamster brain will run itself ragged trying to figure out your endgame.

Step 5 carries the slightly misleading title “Give her an emotional release.” In fact, what he suggests is that you physically “discipline” your girlfriend when she does “wrong” in your eyes.

By spanking a girl until she starts crying and sobbing, you give her an emotional release, turning her into a soppy puddle of goo and making her more inclined to serve you. As a friend of mine put it, all girls crave spankings; it’s their way of making up for Eve’s sin.

“Gorney” seems to be confusing consensual BDSM — which can bring bottoms or submissives intensely emotional releases — with domestic violence.

In step 6, “Gorney” tries to convince his readers — and himself — that it’s an abuser’s incredible sexual prowess, and not his manipulative abuse, that allows him to keep control over an abusive relationship.

You absolutely must have good cocksmanship if you want to ruin a girl’s self-esteem. Girls are enslaved to their vaginas as much as men are to their penises …  Girls will do anything for a man who can fuck them good … .

Your dick is heroin, she’s the junkie and you’re the dealer.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

If you can make her cum on a regular basis, she’ll side with you over her parents, her friends, everyone.

Really? I hate to break it to you, dude, but “[m]aking her cum on a regular basis” is not really an extraordinary achievement, dude. It’s not a sign that you’re some sort of exceptional “cocksman” with a dick of pure heroin. It’s actually kind of, you know, basic? Expected? Also, most women can give themselves orgasms on a regular basis.

Additionally, don’t make her cum every time you have sex. Think like a dealer: you give the customer the pure stuff when you want to get them hooked, and when they’re addicted, you sell them shit that’s been cut with rat poison to increase your bottom line.

Somehow I don’t doubt that sex with guys like this would be a lot like taking drugs laced with rat poison.

[R]ationing out her orgasms at random will keep her on her toes trying to satisfy you.

Or send her off in search of someone who’s not such a complete asshole in bed?

“Gorney’s” advice is so over-the-top awful — it sometimes reads like he’s literally copied it from some textbook on domestic abuse — that it’s hard not to wonder if he just trolling. And to some degree, I’m sure he is. But he also clearly believes a lot of the shit he posts, and so I can only assume he believes, and possibly follows, at least some of his “advice” here.

This is a guy, after all, who admitted plainly to hitting a previous girlfriend, in a post in which he also declared that

Women should be terrorized by their men; it’s the only thing that makes them behave better than chimps.

Actually, that’s not true. In fact, there’s some research that suggests male chimps terrorize female chimps — and beat them with branches —  to punish them for mating with other males. So men who abuse women are in fact the ones behaving like chimps.

Every time I think that the manosphere can’t sink any lower, something comes along and proves me wrong.

NOTE: I don’t want to give “Gorney” any traffic for his terrible post. But I also feel obligated to link to my source. So I have. I’ve just hidden the link randomly in the middle of the post.

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kittehserf
10 years ago

Marie, do take her up on it.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
10 years ago

I agree with contrapangloss, the ER is the best way forward if you can’t get to an after-hours. Monday is too long to wait, particularly as it’s already been more than 2 days. It is probably nothing, but that’s up to a doctor to decide. Good luck!

Marie
10 years ago

Eep. well thanks for the advice guys. Definetly going to take her up on the saturday offer, if I can’t go tomorrow. (tonight she’s asleep and I don’t have my liscence yet :/)

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
10 years ago

She’s your mum, she’ll be worried too. When one cares about another person, driving for hours and sitting in an ER is just all part of the landscape of life. When you get there, be sure to emphasize how long its been since the problem started. Hopefully they’re prioritise you up the triage list based on duration.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
10 years ago

gah, “they’ll prioritise…”

drst
drst
10 years ago

*sigh*

Xander is not a “Nice Guy.”

Xander has a crush on Buffy. He asks her out. IN SEASON ONE. She says no as kindly as she can. He’s a little bit of an ass to Willow afterward, and he gets depressed about it. But that’s the end of it.

Xander never ever makes a sexual or romantic come-on to Buffy again for the entirety of the series. He never insinuates or hints that he’s tolerating Buffy’s friendship in hopes of getting into her pants someday. He does not pine, he doesn’t do extraordinary things for her in the hopes of her changing her mind and sleeping with him. WHEN HE HAS THE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH HER WHILE SHE’S NOT HERSELF HE SAYS NO BECAUSE HE’S NOT A RAPIST.

He stands by her as best he can. He helps her when she needs him. He prioritizes her friendship and never treats it as if it’s unworthy of him. No, he doesn’t like Angel, and yes he’s slightly jealous, but he does not make that a fixture of his life. When Buffy moves on after Angel and dates other guys, he never says anything. He also moves on.

A Nice Guy sits around pretending to be a woman’s friend and then gets furious when he discovers she still won’t fuck him. He treats her friendship as if it’s a terrible consolation prize because the only useful result of doing anything for a woman is getting laid.

Xander is not that guy.

ContraPangloss
ContraPangloss
10 years ago

Anyone you can call for a ride?

My best guess is that it’s glaucoma or something similar, but if there’s any chance of it being in the nerves it’s best to play uber cautious, because it can become permanent way to easily.

Hope you are and stay okay!

emilygoddess
10 years ago

emilygoddess – yeah, there is an open thread going, it’s the one where Ally’s been updating us.

OK, I’ll try the search bar.

cloudiah
10 years ago

Marie, seconding calls to get to a doctor sooner rather than later — if for no other reason then to rule out the scariest stuff. My insurance plan also has a number you can call to talk to a nurse practitioner, so you could try that.

Marie
10 years ago

@drst

Xander is not a “Nice Guy.”

Really? He’s constantly hissy whenever Buffy is dating guys who aren’t him, and IIRC when they find out Angel’s a vampire, Willow’s wondering how Buffy feels, but Xander cared a lot less (not really being a supportive friend there) and more of seemed eager this meant Buffy was gonna have to kill Angel (Xander’s romantic rival). Xander was also a total dick when she was going out with Owen, (Buffy was asking for advice on her outfit/ make up for her date) he pretty much calls her easy.

And when he does actually ask Buffy out, at the end of season one, he wasn’t handling the rejection well, so I don’t know where you got that one from :/

Not a nice thing, but on him being a dick, he tried to put a love-spell on Cordelia just so he could break up with her. And love spells on anyone is super fucking skeevy.

Idk. I probably shouldn’t be rambling this much. I just loathe Xander’s character. He’s not, like, Super Nice Guy, who’d check off all the boxes on the list, or w/e, but he’s got some points there.

MEZ
MEZ
10 years ago

@Marie, could it be conjunctivitis(pink-eye)? Feels a bit like you’re describing; sore, your eye will start to swell, and if it gets bad enough it’ll feel like there’s grit in it. Do you wear contact lenses? You can get conjunctivitis from falling asleep while wearing the kind of contacts you’re supposed to remove at night, but you can get it just from picking up the germs anywhere. Viral conjunctivitis tends not to have the pus/drainage that bacterial conjunctivitis does. Main things to do are not to wear your contacts if you have any (you’ll contaminate them and have to throw them out- a major drag on a tight budget) and to get to your doctor ASAP. I’ve been upbraided by doctors for not going in fast enough; apparently conjunctivitis can damage your eye if you put if off long enough. Although I’ve had it go away on it’s own; I always take my eye health much more seriously now.

Could you take a taxi to the ER if your mom can’t do it? The ER probably will have an eye doctor on call for cases such as you.

@the advice to withhold sex- I’m surprised that more of you aren’t taking this seriously.

In short, many women’s sense of sexuality, and womanhood, is really tied up into pleasing the man in bed. A man rejecting a woman sexually, especially in a committed relationship, is probably one of the meanest things he could do. Even just when it’s just a physical problem on the man’s part, the consequence is a net loss of self-esteem on the woman’s part. (I’m too lazy to dig up my citations right now, but I will do so if anyone’s interested).

In sort, it’s a particularly nasty form of emotional abuse. Sure, woman can masturbate, but that only satisfies the physical needs, if you know what I mean. And despite what these assclowns think, a lot of women are loyal and won’t sleep around if the guy isn’t doing the job.

Interestingly, does anyone know if there’s a link between being an abuser and suffering from sexual dysfunction? Obviously there are a lot of innocent reasons for sexual dysfunction and I am in no way implying that men with sexual dysfunctions are misogynists, or abusers, or anything. But I’ve always wondered if, in abusers specifically, there was a relationship between their dysfunctional relationship with women emotionally and a dysfunctional relationship with women sexually.

Marie
10 years ago

@MEZ

Thanks for the medical advice. I’m gonna try to get there tomorrow, Saturday at the latest. I’m really not up for going tonight…

In short, many women’s sense of sexuality, and womanhood, is really tied up into pleasing the man in bed. In short, many women’s sense of sexuality, and womanhood, is really tied up into pleasing the man in bed.

Erg. I’ll believe you on some women, but if you’re going to go with many, I would like you to dig up those citations.

Sure, woman can masturbate, but that only satisfies the physical needs, if you know what I mean.

…No, I don’t know what you mean. Clarify, please.

kittehserf
10 years ago

In short, many women’s sense of sexuality, and womanhood, is really tied up into pleasing the man in bed. A man rejecting a woman sexually, especially in a committed relationship, is probably one of the meanest things he could do. Even just when it’s just a physical problem on the man’s part, the consequence is a net loss of self-esteem on the woman’s part.

Seconding Marie, I’m really going to want to see citations if we’re talking “many”.

I’d also like a clarification of what you have in mind with “rejecting a woman sexually”. It sounds horribly like a man’s not allowed to say no, and that’s way creepy.

coolies
coolies
10 years ago

Am I weird? Those guys in the pictures back there were supposed to be hot. I get that. But then I just don’t really feel anything, you know? All I really think is that “I am looking at a good-looking guy”, but that’s about as far as my thoughts go. It’s like I just don’t care. I don’t know I seem to be the only one of everyone else that I know, boys and girls alike.

Maybe I suspect that they are like those pictures of hot women that are everywhere and they’ve probably had the crap photo-shopped out of them? For all I know? So It’s not authentic enough or something? I have no Idea. Maybe I’m just so desensitized from all the pictures of sexy women that it’s extended over to pictures of sexy men?

MEZ
MEZ
10 years ago

@Marie, no problem with the advice. 🙂 I’ve had conjunctivitis a bunch of times because I’m terrible at remembering to take my contact lenses out at night, and plus just picking it up from my friends as a kid, or my kids now that I’m a mom. Think I had adenovirus a week or so ago, and that was just a bottle of fun. Good news is that it’s usually a pretty easy fix with some antibiotics. Hope that’s the case for you and you feel better soon!

I’ll dig up your citations tomorrow if you don’t mind. It’s late, and my bookmarks are in a horrid mess. 🙂

kittehserf
10 years ago

coolies – not at all weird! Not everyone gets all OOOH TINGLES over a picture of someone even if they do think they’re sexually attractive. I don’t feel a thing looking at pictures of people except 1) aesthetic pleasure 2) wondering how it’d look photoshopped into a pic of Mr K. Once that’s done things will change!

None of those guys ticked the box for ‘handsome’ for me, either. Yeah, pleasant enough looking, mostly; some of them I wouldn’t look twice at.

MEZ
MEZ
10 years ago

Kitteh

I’d also like a clarification of what you have in mind with “rejecting a woman sexually”. It sounds horribly like a man’s not allowed to say no, and that’s way creepy.

I’d like to head this one right off and emphatically say that OF COURSE a man can say no. But just like how a man can say no to going out on a date with his beloved, or say no to sharing dinner with his beloved, or say no to helping her with the dishes, or whatever, repeatedly rejecting bids for intimacy is going to have a consequence on the relationship.

Have I been clear enough in explaining myself? 🙂

coolies
coolies
10 years ago

In short, many women’s sense of sexuality, and womanhood, is really tied up into pleasing the man in bed. A man rejecting a woman sexually, especially in a committed relationship, is probably one of the meanest things he could do.

Hardly! You’re talking about getting your feelings a bit hurt. If you think that’s as bad as things could get then you haven’t seen shit..

Unless you’re just saying that bad relationships tend to not have much sex. I’ve heard that too. But then rape is not sex. So yeah, people can say no if it’s really important. But Matt Forney is basically telling guys to be bad in bed and then somehow this is bad for her, or this will just make her love him more.

I mean even if (let’s just pretend) he did give her all this fabulous sex in the beginning (using only his penis, somehow..) to make her addicted. How does he expect a girl to stick around while not getting her ‘fix’? She will wean as soon as she learned that there is no more supply. Everything about this was just so silly and masturbatory, it’s funny.

kittehserf
10 years ago

MEZ – it’s certainly clearer once you included “repeatedly” in it! Doing it as part of a pattern, for whatever reason, yes, now I see what you’re getting at.

Marie
10 years ago

@coolies

Am I weird? Those guys in the pictures back there were supposed to be hot

Could just be different tastes? I mean, not everyone finds the same things hot.

coolies
coolies
10 years ago

@MEZ, sorry I didn’t see your next post before.

@kittehserf Lawl, ok good then 🙂

coolies
coolies
10 years ago

@Marie
Yeah, I mean I’m not ashamed or anything. I just wonder sometimes about what the ‘normal’ thing to do is. Just curious I guess

Old Reader
Old Reader
10 years ago

Mez, “Sure, woman can masturbate, but that only satisfies the physical needs, if you know what I mean.”

– Don’t know what you mean at all. If you are talking about the “bonding and oneness feelings” that orgasm-induced oxytocin releases then I can say that my most intense orgasms and the resulting most intense lovey-dovey-universal-consciousness-bonding feelings have been a result not of sex with a partner, but with myself.

Mez, “In short, many women’s sense of sexuality, and womanhood, is really tied up into pleasing the man in bed.”

– Mine is not. At all. The men I’ve been with have orgasmed regardless of what I did, however I did not orgasm regardless of what they did. Therefore I am more focused on my own pleasure and what he can do to please me since I know he will orgasm regardless anyway.

Mez, “A man rejecting a woman sexually, especially in a committed relationship, is probably one of the meanest things he could do.”

coolies, “Hardly! You’re talking about getting your feelings a bit hurt. If you think that’s as bad as things could get then you haven’t seen shit.”

– I have to agree. If a man, even one I was in a relationship with, told me “you’re not good in bed”, to be honest, I don’t know if I’d really give a damn about that or not.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
10 years ago

Oh, awesome, more generalizations about relationships.

@ Marie

Seconding what everyone else said. The sooner you can get your eye checked out the better. Even if it turns out to be nothing major, hey, at least once you know that you can stop worrying about it.

katz
10 years ago

Am I weird? Those guys in the pictures back there were supposed to be hot. I get that. But then I just don’t really feel anything, you know? All I really think is that “I am looking at a good-looking guy”, but that’s about as far as my thoughts go. It’s like I just don’t care. I don’t know I seem to be the only one of everyone else that I know, boys and girls alike.

Absolutely nothing strange or wrong about that. Some people are attracted to conventionally-attractive people, some people are attracted to other sorts, some to nobody.