Having previously taken on such dire threats to Western Civilization as “fat girls,” “manginas,” and “rape tourettes,” the pickup-artists-cum-worldly-philosophers over at Roosh Valizadeh’s Return of Kings blog have decided to take on an even more insidious danger: Women — sorry, girls — with short hair.
In an alarming expose, guest blogger Tuthmosis reveals the shocking tuth, er, truth:
No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks.
So why are so many women choosing to cut off the long hair that men so universally admire (allegedly)? Tuthmosis has a few theories. One is that other women are convincing them to do it so that they can have all the short-hair-hating men to themselves. Yep. It’s hair sabatoge!
Women are quick to encourage other women to cut their hair by telling them how “cute” it is. While I’m no scientist, I’m convinced this is some deep, genetic programming at work, one that forces women—who compete with one another on a physical level on a daily basis—to encourage any behavior that might eliminate competitors in the dating pool.
And straight men contribute to this sorry state of affairs, too. Well, “cowardly and deluded men” anyway, according to Tuthy — though why exactly being “cowardly and deluded” would cause men to encourage women to cut their hair is never quite explained.
Tuthy also blames gay men, who apparently have the power to sway the minds of women en masse.
The plaudits a Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, or Anne Hathaway receive when they cut their hair off—from people who have no business commenting on the attractiveness of women, like gay men—creates a copycat cycle that increases the trend geometrically.
So what exactly is the problem with short hair? Don’t get Tuthy started on that!
Seriously, don’t get him started, because what he says makes no fucking sense.
The truth of the matter is that long hair’s almost universally attractive to men, when they’re actually speaking honestly (without trying to appease women in the room). Furthermore, it’s a symbol of youth, femininity, and health. Why can’t old women grow long hair? Because it’s an ephemeral trait of your fertile years.
Women instinctively know this, which is why every American girl who cuts, and keeps, her hair short often does it for ulterior reasons. Short hair is a political statement.
A political statement of what? A political statement that she won’t put up with assholes like you?
And, invariably, a girl who has gone through with a short cut—and is pleased with the changes in her reception—is damaged in some significant way. Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.
Ah, ok. So it does mean that she won’t put up with assholes like you.
I’d developed that belief on years of platonic interactions alone. The bitchiest work colleagues, the most difficult cashier, the most confrontational, aggressive cunts in bars have all shared one trait—short-ass hair.
Yep, it definitely means that.
Tuthy then relates the horrors he faced during his own brief experiences dating women with short hair.
One had rape fantasies and used four-letter words! (These are your complaints? The guy who runs the blog you’re posting on is an actual admitted rapist, and you yourself just used the word “cunt.”)
Another used racial slurs and later got an unflattering “soccer mom” haircut! (Racial slurs? I mean, that’s a dealbreaker for me, but you’re writing for a blog that’s crawling with out-and-proud racists. Aren’t racial slurs right up your alley?)
Yet another jerked him off while texting! (You’re not going to at least give her credit for her manual dexterity?)
He concludes with this:
Not only is short-hair unattractive, it’s one of the biggest signals a man can get that a woman is damaged beyond repair.
In other words, short hair on women appears to repel a certain kind of asshole. Make use of that information as you wish.
EDITED TO ADD: Oh dear. Apparently Tuthy’s dumb post was so dumb and offensive it managed to “go viral”” and generate a ton of hate-traffic for Return of Kings. Roosh, naturally, has decided to try to fan the flames with a “publisher’s note” reiterating Tuthy’s, er, “argument” and helpfully revealing to his new readers what a shithead he is.
Here are some quotes, along with some photos to remind us just who it is who is lecturing women about their hairstyles.
Sadly, the women who are blasting us right now with vulgar speech and masculine manner are treading the line of self-mutilation with their pixie cuts. If you know a girl who has voluntarily chopped off such a reliable indicator of female beauty and fertility, nothing short of an intervention with all family and friends is necessary to force the victim to grow her hair back out.
I part now with a message of hope. Women: unless you have a smushed pig face, your attractiveness increases at least 6% for every inch your hair passes your shoulders. Don’t listen to people who are trying to sabotage your beauty by encouraging you to adopt a lesbian haircut.
We are the only ones who will be brutally honest with you. We are not shy to state where objective female beauty comes from, unlike the saboteurs in your life who are just trying to make it harder for you to find a good husband.
And for those of you especially sick women who think that you are going to punish us by cutting your hair, you’re only punishing yourself. Being lonely and having to settle for a brood of cats is not a good life for a woman, but that’s what will happen if you keep your hair short.
Oh, and forgot the point of my post, above, as I was adding parentheticals: I in no way, shape or form believe that ANY of my preferences are either:
1: Something other people should in some way cater to
2: A universal standard of beauty that all people (or even, all people of my gender) believe in.
Louise Brooks. Your argument is invalid.
http://www.google.com/search?q=louise+brooks&safe=off&client=safari&rls=en&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=BnXhUsWLJOzFsASm_YHYDg&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1293&bih=1086
This post is really weird, even given that Roosh is a douchebag and think all women ought to be ultra-feminine so as to please his mighty boner. Take this pic of Carey Mulligan in short hair, for instance: http://www.listal.com/viewimage/2810978h Now, even a really conservative gender policeman who finds it super duper important that men are Real Men(TM) and women are Real Women(TM) wouldn’t look at this pic and go “SHE’S SO BUTCH AND UGLY” merely because of her hair.
I’ve had a number of long (including dreads) and shortish hair styles over the years, and I have been rocking a pixie cut for the past year. It looks like this: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000130/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Another awesome actress with short hair, perhaps a bit long to be a true pixie cut: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001132/?ref_=nv_sr_1
And I loved Anne Hathaway’s pixie cut, I think it really suits her, I think it shows off her magnificent cheekbones. I’ve always loved Halle Berry’s short cuts as well.
Damnit, damnit, damnit. Janet.
I’ve been growing out my hair for a few years now and I was considering getting it cut really short again, just for the heck of it. But I was like…naw, I don’t want to have to grow it all out again if I want it long…
But now…NOW…damnit, now I’ve got to go back to a being bald just to stick it to these ass-hats.
Kiwi girl: Judi Dench and Jamie Lee Curtis both keep their hair short because they are old and therefore unable to grow it long anymore.
Long-time lurker … not sure if I’ve commented before … but all this made me laugh. I’ve had short hair all my life … sometimes nearly a buzz-cut … and I’m a straight, cis woman who’s been married 28 years to a guy who adores my short hair. The only time I tried to grow long hair was a disaster, because the waves in my hair cause it to split into two hanks at neck-level. (That was in middle school, where you were a freak if you didn’t have long hair.) Sometimes longer hair just does not work on a person.
But even if it didn’t, it’s seldom that I’ve longed for long hair. My face would not look good with it. It’s much harder to wash and take care of. I admire it in other women, but never felt that it impacted my so-called “femininity” (a word I loathe, by the way, as I was never and never wanted to be traditionally “feminine” as the media would have it. Add that to the fact that I’m definitely “large” … and muscular under the fat, and I’d be the bug they wouldn’t bother to step on.)
Happily married for 28 years to a “mangina” and unabashed feminist.
So long hair is a sign of femininity? Shouldn’t he chop off that mop then? If he looks too feminine, it’ll certainly hurt his game.
Or maybe it’s just the health and youth that applies. Youth? Maybe? Dirty hair doesn’t scream healthy. Not to mention the fact his photos indicate no ability to maintain it, but cleanliness and hair care are MISANDRY so that’s a moot point.
AARGH! Tried to post and it didn’t come through … how long does it usually take?
(Long-time lurker, may have commented once.)
LOL, Katz I know you’re repeating the MRA/PUA dot point, and I think it’s so funny that apparently there’s some type of thing that prevents older women having long hair. Like, once the woman hits ?30, each hair follicle goes “nope, hair, you’re now 2cm long, so I’m going into the catagen phase.”
The elephant in the room here is male hair loss (link here: http://www.sharecare.com/health/mens-health/health-guide/mens-health-guide/testosterone-can-cause-hair-loss-and-baldness-in-men):
And the website goes on to say:
Susan: WELCOME PACKAGE!
I’m just getting an early start. Save time later.
David, I just noticed your reference to Roosh’s ‘styish’ hair. If that was a typo, it should be nominated for Best Typo of the Week.
Also, I wonder what Tuthmosis would have to say about long dreads? Somehow, for some reason, I suspect that women of African descent who do not process their hair are effectively invisible to him. Lucky women! My husband has dreads down to his shoulder blades, which I think is just lovely.
Also, apropos of the topic – when Mary Martin was playing Nellie Forbush in “South Pacific” on Broadway, she actually showered on stage during “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair”. She wore her hair quite short during the entire run, so that it could be dried afterwards. And her character had no trouble attracting a man.
I always argue with Conservative Republicans online, since I been reading this website, I found how easy it is to bait 80% of them into assuming I am a woman and saying something misogynistic.
I was arguing with some Conservatives just a minute ago who were badmouthing public education, calling it laziness, all I said was what do you mean lazy some of these young women are solid muscle and whoop your a–. Instant deluge of misogynist sh–.
“Women: unless you have a smushed pig face, your attractiveness increases at least 6% for every inch your hair passes your shoulders. Don’t listen to people who are trying to sabotage your beauty by encouraging you to adopt a lesbian haircut.”
Actually Roosh, I’m pretty sure you’re wrong since my hair only grows to about my shoulders and literally won’t grow any more, (and even up to that point it looks bad due to split ends IMHO) so, not an option, nothing to do with being a lesbian.
“Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.”
*Drinks beer while watching football and flipping the bird at RoK*
I thought I was the only one this happened to!
RE: anonymous
Pwned
And I should believe that’s not his cousin or someone he’s paying because…?
Seriously, you can’t just post a random contextless photo and expect us to go, “Holly hotballs, y’all, we were wrong ALL ALONG! Roosh’s random poster’s random post about his boner is the paragon of truth!”
RE: OH
Men who encourage other men to cut their hair ARE PROBABLY GAY, FACT.
Trololol. THIS gay man would never, EVER demand my husband cut his hair. Guy puts glam rock musicians to shame. His hair is a glory to the world. (Mine, on the other hand, should never, EVER be grown out. Not all of us can be Ziggy Stardust.)
I am a man, I had short hair once, it was humiliating, being in a room with 5 other men who all had short hair and I was the only one with any sense how f—ed that was.
Dude, the 60s are over. You need to move on.
I always argue with Conservative Republicans online, since I been reading this website, I found how easy it is to bait 80% of them into assuming I am a woman and saying something misogynistic.
Cool story bro.
RE: Ally
Thanks for your support, RoK.
I’m sure you feel much better knowing you have Roosh behind you. (Not literally, thankfully.)
RE: Robert
My husband has dreads down to his shoulder blades, which I think is just lovely.
Ooh, nice. Dreads seem like a tricky hairstyle that only a few can rock, but oh MAN can they rock it!
Misogynists LOVE long hair. It’s one of the constants across all variations of misogyny: MRAs, Christian patriarchs, pickup artists, Republican state senators, that serial killer on “The X-Files” who tried to collect Scully’s hair, everybody. I’m not sure what’s going on there, psychologically, but it’s a big thing with guys who are scared of women.
I have to say, though, “old women can’t grow long hair” is a new one. My mother recently asked me if I was ever planning to get a short haircut, because she thinks old women with long hair look weird. She was very annoyed when I said I wanted to be an old lady with long hippie locks. I’m 35, but you’ve got to plan for the future.
I’ve worn a pixie cut since I was 13, and at first it was for purely practical reasons — I was swimming regularly, and the combination of fine texture and slight waviness made washing and combing my hair after a swim a 45-minute project at least, so I chopped it off. The fact that it makes me look at least 30% better was just a bonus. 😛
The attitudes of douchelords like this just makes me more determined to keep it short. If it pisses off pickup artists and reduces the amount of time I have to spend awkwardly repelling the sort of dudes who would otherwise be inclined to hit on me, where’s the disadvantage?
I admit with tremendous shame that my hair occasionally looks like Roosh’s. The only differences are that I use conditioner and that I’m terrible at combing my hair. It looks wavy and all over the place even though it’s short.
@Ally: I’m jealous, I always wanted wavy hair.
Short hair? So short hair is bringing about THE END OF CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT now?
What the fuck is wrong with these people?
Sometimes I want to weep for my gender.
David, I seen you use variations of this joke in plenty of previous posts, yet it still works like gangbusters every single time IMHO.
Your brand of humor will take a hit if denizens of the manosphere stop making themselves targets of your mockery by ceasing to spout hair-brained pronouncements and then trying to back them up with jibber jabber.
In other words, your brand of humor of is safe as houses as long as you can handle wallowing in their toxic stupidity.
It’s funny since hair is being discussed, because I have short hair and guess who’s getting sexually harassed at my new home? (Hint: it is totally me.)
Apparently my short hair isn’t keeping HIM away. Fuck, $8000 in surgeries and hormones and I STILL can’t keep these fuckers off with a stick! Just what I always wanted, to get grabbed and kissed by creepers waiting for me outside my apartment.
I hate rape culture.
I’m so sorry, LBT. :< I hope that you find a safe space soon and that that asshole stops harassing you.