As requested, an open thread. I’ll try to get these up more often in the future. This one will be overseen by Morrissey with a cat on his head.
No trolls, no arguments.
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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: January 2014 Pretty Cats Make Hats Edition
@Katz: Well, if you don’t have a tolerance for harsh, screeched vocals or don’t enjoy very fast, very technical music, you might want to steer clear. Their music caters to a very specific taste, which most people don’t really enjoy. XD
AIT — male pronouns, k. And if you forget ze // zir, I’m not going to flip out about they // them, I’m forgiving with good faith efforts and questions 🙂
And your grandfather sounds like the stuff heroes are made of — only “impressive” stories from mine are a family story about my mother’s father getting in trouble for showing up for duty without pants, having sunburned his ass on leave, he died when I was tiny though, so idk how true it is; the other would probably still be fighting the gov’n to acknowledge he was in Korea, except dementia is setting in and the forbidden muffins are far more important (diabetic, in a group home now, and really likes those muffins!)
Everyone — speaking of my grandfather, he’s doing well enough, though he needs to get his ass out of the wheelchair and use his walker more (and stay out of the muffins!) My father, otoh, continues to be an asshole about things, still acting like everything that might be for attention is just a play game that has to be stopped because, uh, idk…
[TW: self-injury and suicide]
…but I got that shit when he knew I was self-injuring…I’m not sure he has any logic behind it, beyond stop seeking attention. And asswipe has started leaving things like “hang myself” on his to do lists that he leaves on the stove (usually containing such things as “buy cigars, pick up prescription, take [grandpa] to dr, etc”…you know, I bit like your to do list)
I love having to live with a fucking emotionally manipulative asshole while trying to deal with my grandfather having dementia (and the fact that most of the people in the home are much further gone and dealing with people who’ve forgotten basic social norms like not deciding to stand a foot behind someone [and hi! PTSD, you do not want to stand that close to me without me knowing when you’re tiny and frail, I’m the jumpy sort])
I’m other things, still no word from SSI, and That Date is approaching. At least the weekend at pecunium’s seems to have sorted my brain out for now. For extra awesome, this was planned last minute.
Seranvali — that’s wonderful news!
Oh, Ally, my only suggestion would be how you sign it. Anyone not pissed by that point should adjust to using your female name, might as well include it in that last bit. Honestly, I’d be inclined to be ruder, but I’ve got it a bit easier being non-binary and having never had my family enforce gender roles the idea of going “deal with it, or don’t, not my problem” is a bit easier — as long as I leave trans* stuff out of it, I’ve got my mother on my side for that one, and not even my father can manage to get her to back down. So idk if you should just go “deal with it” or not, but it seems like a good time to introduce people to your new name.
deniseeliza: I’m just not sure the best way to support them when I disagree with their interpretations of their experiences. I don’t want to invalidate their feelings, but then on the other hand, maybe they are asking me for a reality check? I don’t know.
Honestly, your best bet is to ask the person what they want, and then try to figure out what you want to give. It’s like with any new relationship – figuring out peoples’ quirks, but it’s not like there are answers to “what do you need from me” which line up neatly with a DSM Diagnosis; people are still individuals who want and need different things – and want and need different things from different people.
I’d be concerned if you didn’t feel like you could be honest with your friend, though. I mean, I don’t mean Honesty-as-an-excuse-to-be-rude, but personally I think being able to disagree civilly is the basis of any relationship that will last, and the fact that one person in the relationship may or may not be grandiose or paranoid (both of these are… hrm… challenging to determine in an online context, frankly; reality is not the secure and reliable thing we like to think it is) shouldn’t change that. I lean towards, “It seems to me like..” phrasings of things, but that’s because I spend too much time therapizing and I’m a bit of an emotional wimp who wants everyone to like me because I’m so nice; you have your own strengths and weaknesses that make you unique and wonderful as a friend. 😉
Re: metal – it sounds like people here actually know where genre’s end. I’ve been curious for ages – do you have to split the softer Queensryche and harder Queensryche stuff into two genres? Or are they just Heavy Metal even when the guitars aren’t squealing? Also, anyone know what genre Disturbed falls under? Is Tool heavy metal?
Ally: Good luck on coming out; fingers crossed for you. A dear friend began transitioning almost two years ago, and he is pleased as punch these days; it went a whole lot better than he thought it would, and I was so glad he didn’t wait since I knew how miserable he was (he was worried his family would disown him). May you have similar blessings in friends and family.
Seranvali: Fantastic news. Yay. 8D
Argenti: Dear gods, that sounds so sucky. 8( I am so sorry your father is full of fail.
As for me, I am sick and whiny and don’t want to work but there’s too much going on and I’m wellish enough to work, so calling out feels crappy and unnecessary. But dear gods, I am sick and tired of people who manage housing for people with mental illnesses getting all up at arms because their tenants are mentally ill. Shockingly, people with schizophrenia sometimes have odd, non-harmful behavior – and we don’t actually lock them up for it because it doesn’t hurt anyone. Guh, the number of people in management positions in mental health who seem to be unaware of what a mental illness is continues to stagger me – either they assume the clients are infants and patronize them into last week, or they assume they should be operating better than non-currently mentally ill people do. Neither assumption IS HELPFUL.
Stupid humans. -_-;;;;
Argenti:
It’s a great story to tell, and he’s really one of the big reasons I decided to join the AF, but sadly he passed away when I was 6 months old, pretty much same as your late grandfather. My grandmother tells me I look a lot like him. I actually enjoy silly stories like those. Military folk are human too.
I really hope your grandfather can get that acknowledgement through. I have heard plenty of horror stories of people having problems with VA over exactly that. It’s a crying shame.
Interestingly enough, as far as the US military goes, the AF is the only branch without a gender neutral pronoun. For the Army, it’s Soldier, for the Navy, Sailor, for the Marines, Marine, and for Air Force, Airman. I questioned it a bit when I joined, but I really have no idea who I would try to put this forward to, and what to replace it with. Best I can personally come up with is Flyer, but that’d be kind of odd, since a good chunk of the Air Force actually isn’t airborne. Contrary to popular belief, being in the AF does not make me a pilot. Anyone have ideas?
Robert Ramirez:
Is this your first time studying Mandarin? If so, it really helps to get down the basic sounds of Chinese first. There’s a bunch of tables like this out there, quickmandarin[dot]com[slash]chinesepinyintable, which help to get basic sounds down. The biggest problem I had when I started was getting the difference between the zi, ci, si, and zhi, chi, shi, ri sounds. That, and tones. Tones are huge. But, I’m sure your laoshi has already brought up the tonality of the language.
I found a picture on the internet of a female bodybuilder who is over 50 years of age. Here’s a link to the picture.
http://www.probodybuilding.com/eventgallery/d/27168-3/DSC_0133.jpg
And MRAs say that women aren’t desirable past their 20’s.
I don’t comment here much but I’ve been slowly running out of places to vent as I’ve quit like half a dozen of my former haunts for being too toxic. Examples include one where the mods refused to mod a thread saying “sometimes women provoke domestic abuse so it’s not always wrong” and another where a sexual assault survivors subforum was decried for being judgemental to nonsurvivors (the missing text here is “who victim-blamed”) and anyway we all had victim complexes. The point of this ramble is that I’m coming here to vent because after fleeing everywhere horrid I have very few outlets left.
I have a three year old stepson, but he doesn’t live with me right now for reasons which will hopefully be out of the way by next month. He and my partner stay at my flat one night a week, then he and my partner stay at partner’s mum’s for another three nights, and stepson spends the other three nights of the week at his mum’s. Partner and I have pretty simple beliefs about parenting, mainly that it should always be done calm, and consistent expectations are important. Stepson’s mum and granny don’t share these beliefs, or if they do they just don’t implement them, or what. This inconsistency is really starting to bite us in the arse, particularly partner and I because we feel like we need to be the Bad Guys because we won’t let him dictate what consequences there are for bad behaviour. So, persistently not listening to instructions: three minutes on the naughty stool.
What he wants, and what he usually gets from his granny and his mum, is to say “sorry” and then get to do whatever he likes again. To the point where, partner was taking him back to the naughty stool after he ran out and kicked him, and he said “sorry daddy” in the most piteous tone, but then shrieked in absolute fury when my partner didn’t react. “I SAID SORRY I SAID SORRY I SAID SORRY” like…why are there still consequences? Ugh it was so unpleasant. I was determined to stick with it because he was making it so plain that he knew exactly what was expected of him and he just didn’t want us to go through with it. Even if it meant fighting it for an hour, he wanted to ultimately decide when the consequence was over, or what it was, no matter how pointless the distinction. As time went on he kept coming out of the corner, but coming less and less far each time, until at the very end when he was almost spent, he was just barely in the doorway, inches outside of the designated area. It felt like he still wanted to have that inch of victory because every time he was moved back by oh, two paces? The shrieking began again. He finally did exactly what he was supposed to do – sat quietly for three minutes. Then afterwards you would never have known the ordeal even happened. Happy as larry, back to bopping on my keyboard and harassing the dog.
The worst part was when he started shouting “I WANT TO GO HOME” over and over and over. The thing was, he was shouting “I’ve hurt my leg!” “I’ve got a surprise for you!” “My timeout is finished!” “I want to take a photo!” “I want to play with the piano!” “I want to play with my present!” “I want to have a little rest!” “I need a poo!” and everything else imaginable, but something about “I want to go home” just cut me. Because I know I’m going to have to be the ‘strict’ one once he’s living here, knowing what his mum and his granny are like. I know there’s really not going to be much reward in this until he’s much older. I mean, him being respectful and well-behaved will be a reward, but it still cuts me that he may never *enjoy* me like he’ll enjoy his other caregivers who’ll spoil him, and partner and I may always be the ones with the dirty jobs. I know “you’re not my mum” is really not far off, either. And I worry so much that it might be for nothing if it’s only for three or four days a week, and the other three or four days he’s living in front of the telly (his mum bought him his own for his third birthday, for his bedroom so he’ll never be in a room without one at her house) and never facing any real consequences. This is how it’s been up until now because since stepson’s mum split with my partner, their lives have been very up in the air and disordered, and it’s only now that some semblance of being settled is occurring. And this is what we’re already having to deal with as a result of that.
And the thing about the “I said sorry, why is this still happening?” thing. Is he’s only tiny but I want that lesson to hit home and soon. It’s a lesson many grown men have failed to grasp, and I’m depressed that it has even taken root in him already even though I know why. The only consequences right now are a headache for me and my partner, but I regularly have to deal with grown men who still think intentions are magic and I’m sorry eradicates consequences, and it’s a pretty big deal.
Sigh, parenting isn’t being nice to us right now.
Kat,
Venting is what this thread is for – well, that & sharing kitty/fish photos.
And for small (and large) children – consistency is what it’s all about. Gives children security and confidence, even when they seem to be testing their boundaries (and your patience) to the limit.
Sorry it’s such tough going at the moment. And while you think he may never “enjoy” you because you don’t spoil him, you’re the one with the keyboard and the dog, and who knows what other fascinating qualities. Spoiling isn’t everything.
Ally: As others noted, the apology and the signature both jumped out at me. You certainly have nothing to apologize for; I kind of like the notpology approach in this case. And perhaps signing it [New Name], FKA [Birth Name] would make it clear, while still being non-confrontational, that this is how you’d prefer to be addressed from now on.
Kat: For what it’s worth, you’re doing the right thing. Even the inconsistency of his living situation can work to your advantage, so long as you and your partner are consistent in how you treat him. This will teach him that he can’t always count on everyone to react the same as everyone else–a useful awareness that many adults lack. My mother is a warm, caring person, but she didn’t deal with nonsense from her grandkids (my brother’s brood). If they were pitching a fit, they got sent to the bedroom to bawl it out–a rule that was rarely, if ever, exercised at their home. (My brother and SIL were more of the ‘talk louder than any of the kids’ school of thought. I love them all dearly, but my ears occasionally ring after we leave their place following family gatherings.)
Eventually, it got to the point where I witnessed my then-four-year-old niece get upset at being told “No,” get the ‘scrunchy face’ every parent learns to loathe, stalk into the bedroom, lay down on the bed, and THEN start bawling. She’d learned–you cannot pitch a fit in grandma’s living room. Period.
And needless to say, all four of those kids adore their grandmother, making arrangements whenever possible to visit her, even as young adults (the niece in question is now a senior in high school, and enjoys nothing more than finding a way to spend a week at grandma’s place). So do hang in there; it’s obvious you love the kid. You might want to see if there’s a ‘step-parent support group’ of some sort in your area; I know that role can have some specific challenges.
@Katz: I dunno about military, but I read a list of amusing Puritan names this morning (Fly-Fornication, anyone?) and there was a guy named Humiliation who named his two sons both Humiliation. Try sorting that one out.
The closest I’ve got to the military is, one of my grandfathers was a clerk in the US Army, and the other grandfather was more valuable to the military with a hammer and plumb than with a rifle. His brother got took for a soldier, and pled conscientious objector (he was a fairly devout Baptist) so they gave him a stretcher and sent him into the Pacific. He never was the same. I remember him as pretty quiet, but that was probably because he was stone deaf.
My dad was too scrawny after several years in college for the Army’s satisfaction, and then Nam ended before his number came back up.
Kat,
You are doing it right! It may take longer for the results to kick in because of the situation, but soon enough the frequency and duration of the fits will drop. Before you know it, that first warning will be all you need. It may take YEARS, but your relationship will be better off for it. Clear boundaries and expectations build trust, so when he’s a rowdy teenager, you will be the shoulder he can lean on and the safe place he can vent. Seriously.
@auggz: Eh, it was sometime before 1850. Plenty folks homeschooled then.
The Puritans thought names ought to instruct, obviously, but some were downright cruel while others were beautiful. I read of a young boy whose two older sisters were Faith and Hope, so he got named (you can see this coming) And-Charity.
I have a great-grandfather named Ivory John, born ca. 1880-1890 off the top of my head; he had a brother named Friendless who died of (I wanna say) TB. For a long time Friendless’ headstone was being overgrown by a tree trunk, but the tree recently died and was cleared away.
And I just read of a Confederate brigadier-general whose given names were States Rights. He died in the war in 1864.
Surely Flyer would be OK even if you’re not literally a pilot. After all, not everyone in the Navy is literally on a ship.
@Deoridhe: On metal: The term “metal” is incredibly broad. Many people classify Led Zepplin as metal, even (I wouldn’t, but others do). As such, defining what makes a certain piece of music “metal” is… difficult. It usually comes down to the heaviness of the music, but there are a number of stylistic things that are important as well (like blast-beats, long solos, down-tuned guitars, etc.). The line between hard-rock, heavy metal, and hardcore punk is very vague, which often results in a lot of arguments in the heavy metal community over lighter stuff like Ghost BC.
Queensryche usually finds itself in the prog-metal genre for stuff like Operation: Mindcrime, though they do have a fair amount of hair-metal ballads (like Eyes of a Stranger, Another Rainy Night).
Both Tool and Disturbed are considered heavy metal, with Tool generally falling under the genre of alternative metal (though they can get labeled prog metal), and Disturbed under nu-metal for the early stuff, heavy metal for the later (though they sometimes get labeled alternative).
That guy recently had another daughter, whom he named Eva Braun.
DHS took her, too. Both father and mother have histories with DCS and children have been removed from their homes before.
So, it’s not just naming them something egregious. The guy has a history of neglect and/or abuse, too.
I randomly have today off so I’m spending the day listening to my Pandora Linkin Park channel and cleaning the floors and taking the holiday decorations down (because hey, it’s mid January and the tree is so dead and crunchy that I think if I plugged the lights in it would seriously burst into flames). Anyhoo, Best Day of My Life by American Authors comes on, and I drop the steam mop to go down vote it, cause it really doesn’t belong on my Linkin Park channel. But then, the chorus comes on and even though it mostly reminds me of all of the stupid TV commercials it’s in, it made me smile, so I let it finish playing.
But I didn’t up vote it. Really Pandora?
Speaking of archaeology and gender, I heard about this on a podcast I listen to.
http://news.discovery.com/history/archaeology/etruscan-warrior-prince-really-a-princess-131021.htm
The story is from October, but they mentioned it in their end of year wrap up. The podcast is Stuff You Missed in History class, which I would recommend to everyone who likes history. I think Holly and Tracey, who host it, would fit in wonderfully here.
Not caught up but FISHIES!!
http://youtu.be/9MW5nNsUdbU
That’ she second batch of fry, and the new eggs, this is one of the big ones from the first batch of fry and one of the adult boys (50/50 shot that that’s daddy)
Anyone who knows me, knows that I deeply admire those FBI agents who work in thee Behavioral Analysis Unit. I think the men and women who are able to handle working with such scary people on a regular basis are incredibly brave.
Anyway, I chanced across a discussion among Red Pill/PUA types. One of the posters claimed to be an FBI agent himself. I began to wonder if that was indeed true. If it is…then I’m worried that if something bad were to happen to me that law enforcement would let the guy go because he was “alpha” and I was “asking for it.” Is law enforcement still on my side?
Have you seen the parody of Born to Run that Bruce Springsteen and Jimmy Fallon did, mocking Christie’s bridge closure? It’s priceless. 😀
http://youtu.be/VKHV0LLvhXM
I decided I am going to try taking ballet lessons. I was looking for dance classes last night and found a place where they do beginner ballet lessons for adults. They linked to a documentary about it too.
Has anyone else tried ballet beyond when they were a kid? I’ve got no idea what to expect, but I like the idea of spending a lot of time learning the moves before having to string them together into a routine. I am naturally unco and while I have always wanted to learn to dance, most classes I have been to immediately start teaching you a routine. I was considering hip hop classes too – if I can find one that teaches moves. I really really like the idea of being strong and coordinated.
Hey, cool, Kim! Let us know how it goes.
I’ve never done any dance lessons, not even the Goth Dancing video ones. 😉
Mnemosyne, I obviously haven’t seen the post you’re referencing, but as a general rule I would bet good money that most people who claim to be FBI agents on Reddit are talking out of their sphincters.
What, not even talking with their larynxes? :O
What cloudiah said, with the added note that I thought about going into forsensic psych, had I made it to grad school it was that or art therapy, but cops in general? Well, slutwalks are a response to how they handle rape cases.
In other things, I’ve decided to stop whining about French and learn it…I’m sorta having fun so far. Granted I think the most complex thing I can say is like j’aime un chat noir…but yeah (ok, I manage like…Elle a un chat noir et une rouge pomme, but that’s the most I’ve got [and is a right there? Or is that second person?])
It’s Latin based enough that I get the to be verb and can handle the first // second // third person singular // plural stuff…sorta…plurals are still painful.