I think I may have discovered the worst piece of short fiction ever written. It’s on a manosphere/pickup-artist blog called Colonel Crimson (slogan: “The Colonel of Truth”).
Here’s how it starts:
So I’m in bed with a dime and she says to me, “Willis, what are your goals in life?”
“Simple, Adime,” I respond with my larynx. “To explore the caverns of dimes throughout the world.”
And it only gets worse from there. I would quote the worst bits, but then I’d have to quote the whole thing. Pretty much everything is a worst bit.
There’s some domestic violence, some utterly horrifying descriptions of sex, a lot of mansplaining, and even a sammich joke. There’s an element of self-parody to it — or at least I hope that’s what I’m seeing there — but the author seems to actually believe all the things he’s gently satirizing. You should of course go and read the whole thing immediately.
If you’re hesitating, here’s another sample:
I remind her of her last gentleman suitor. Average height, median weight. Put the schlub in the word schlub. “Do you remember when he strapped on his kneepads and proposed marriage to you?”
“Unfortunately I do.”
“And do you have any recollection of how the beaver felt in that moment?”
“Dry.”
Oh, and in case you were wondering, a “dime” is a Hot Babe 10. Either that or the dude is having hallucinations about talking currency.
I assumed “canteen” was a contraction.
As in “I can’t e’en with this horrible story”.
I thought that with my brain.
Oh, and the larynx thing I think it a reference to the PUA obsession with lowering your voice to sound extra manly and sexy. Though they always talk about how your voice should come from below your larynx to be properly deep.
http://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/for-those-who-feel-their-voice-pitch-is-too-high-vt85784.html
@Mnemosyne So all their protagonists are Mary Ewwwws?
This has got to be bad satire, right? Otherwise, this guy is an obsessive collector of larynges and wanted to ensure that the readers knew he wasn’t using somebody elses larynx to speak.
@David Nothing sounds more manly than a guy obviously lowering his voice by going froggy. Walk into a bar, hear a bunch of guys talking like they sing for Creed, turn around and leave.
@opium4themasses:
Well, they’re *supposed* to be, but the protagonists in Manospherean story are clearly fucked-up people and the villains. It’s kind of like Humbert Humbert in “Lolita,” but these characters are unintentionally despicable.
I’m drawn to bad fiction like a shark to blood. I should seriously consider creating a blog just to make fun of the short stories these guys write. Many lulz will be had by all!
augochlorella: I got the same impression. It seems like he’s intentionally trying to parody PUA beliefs, but at the same time, he actually believes that shit (the rest of his blog is ewww).
So it’s not really parody but not really serious, so it’s just kinda, WTF?
“With orgasmic pleasure, Sir. You induced cummage upon my quakering body 5.5 times.”
How do you induce .5 of a quakering? She said “thou”, but remained supportive of slavery?
auggzillary: The 20’s were indeed a helluva decade, but they’d taken cocaine out of Coca-Cola by 1912:
http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/cocaine.asp
Of course, the medicinal use of a heroin wasn’t outlawed until 1924, though between 1914 and 1924 you needed a perscription to get it. Prior to that, bottles of Bayer heroin could be had over-the-counter. It was marketed as a children’s cough remedy, among other things.
http://www.bonkersinstitute.org/medshow/bayerheroin1901.html
Vocal fry is Teh Sexay? Funny, I always thought it was Teh Stoopid.
Meanwhile, in other silly anatomical news…
Parody introduction:
In a dark room somewhere, I woke up. Next to me was a sleeping dime, shrouded in Egyptian 400-count sheets and a comforter warmer than kitties.
Though her eyes were shut, her face was aglow with feminine energy, probably because of my giving her my liquid gold. If you just looked at her now, you’d think that all women were like this, peaceful and loving towards their men. Beautiful in sleep, and happy to just love and serve her man, as all women should.
But of course, I knew better. Feminism had poisoned womenkind decades ago. I was lucky and found this dime at the bar, arguing with the bartender about identification cards. I bought her a drink and took her to a motel, gifting her with my manliness. She had enjoyed it, and her throat was so deep. If it weren’t for her hypergamious nature, she would be a good wife. But that was not to be, not with feminism poison.
I got up from the bed gently. The sunlight was now beginning to stream into the room, golden rays shooting out from the clouds as the dawn began to break. I must get out, of course. Who needed to have his illusion of a perfect woman shattered?
I was about to leave when I stubbed my toe in the door. “FUCK!” I yelled out in a loud voice.
She stirred.
No! my brain cried. Do not wake!
She seemed to awaken for a moment, and sat up, eyes fluttering. “Are you alright?” she murmured, the haze of sleep affecting her voice and making it seem softer than it was.
“Yes,” I replied, a growling voice coming from deep in my larynx. “Go back to sleep.”
“Mmmm…” Her head fell back on the pillow, and she stirred no more. The only hint to know that she was alive was the rise and fall of the sheets, a constant.
Sighing, I opened the door, and slipped out.
Alice, that is, scarily, better than anything an MRA/PUA has ever written.
On the deep voices thing – am I the only person who dislikes really deep voices in men (forced or natural)?
@opium4themasses
The perfect joke for this bad PUA fanfic. (PUAs are fans of themselves, of course).
kittehs – Dang, and I was trying to mimic PUA thought. 😛
I honestly haven’t really heard really deep voices in anyone. So I don’t know.
@Alice
A sly reference to a PUAs’ greatest dream, picking up an underaged girl in a bar.
Brooked – Yay, you caught it! 🙂
Just speaking with the larynx to make it sound deeper? Get on this guy’s level.
Alice, great story! Much better than the one this post is about. I do prefer deep voices.
what i learned from this is that the beta males should not waste their time attempting to romance the gobi desert, i guess. maybe they should try the sonoran desert instead? i don’t know, i haven’t thought about attempting to get involved with natural landmarks before.
I think my brain broke reading that. Hopefully since I took my awesome new sleeping pills that cause short term memory loss a little while ago, they will erase that garbled mess called a short story from my poor brain.
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opium4themasses, you really need to enter the Bulwer-Lytton contest. You has a talent. 🙂
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
Ugh. I think I ralphed a little. By this I mean the short story was poorly written enough to induce gastric disfunction.
See! I can write like this doodbro too! Were you affected by my artful pauses? P.S. – for full effect, imagine me reading this all out loud, with my larynx; not signing like those inferior beta-chicks. XD
BEAVER. He asked her how her BEAVER felt. Ohmygod.
Am I the only one who keeps hearing “Whilst my canteen of a dick” to the tune of “While my guitar gently weeps”?
I AM SORRY MR HARRISON TRULY