I think I may have discovered the worst piece of short fiction ever written. It’s on a manosphere/pickup-artist blog called Colonel Crimson (slogan: “The Colonel of Truth”).
Here’s how it starts:
So I’m in bed with a dime and she says to me, “Willis, what are your goals in life?”
“Simple, Adime,” I respond with my larynx. “To explore the caverns of dimes throughout the world.”
And it only gets worse from there. I would quote the worst bits, but then I’d have to quote the whole thing. Pretty much everything is a worst bit.
There’s some domestic violence, some utterly horrifying descriptions of sex, a lot of mansplaining, and even a sammich joke. There’s an element of self-parody to it — or at least I hope that’s what I’m seeing there — but the author seems to actually believe all the things he’s gently satirizing. You should of course go and read the whole thing immediately.
If you’re hesitating, here’s another sample:
I remind her of her last gentleman suitor. Average height, median weight. Put the schlub in the word schlub. “Do you remember when he strapped on his kneepads and proposed marriage to you?”
“Unfortunately I do.”
“And do you have any recollection of how the beaver felt in that moment?”
“Dry.”
Oh, and in case you were wondering, a “dime” is a Hot Babe 10. Either that or the dude is having hallucinations about talking currency.
@Brooked This story does leave a room full of people speechless.
Quakering? What, she was dressed up as a 19th century member of the Society of Friends, or something?
And … canteen. I’m sorry, but neither a circular metal drink container nor a school tuckshop sound like things I’d want inside my body, so someone who describes his penis that way is just going to get laughed at.
I was thinking dime bags of cocaine. Bats are awesome. I’m typing this with my fingers.
I hope he continues his tale…I feel like egging him on.
I wanna know how he replied only with his larynx. Didn’t his tongue and lips and jaw play any part in his talking? I mean, c’mon, if he’s going to get all technical about what bits do what, he needs to be thorough.
Now I’m thinking of a bag of chocolate money.
@kittenserf Maybe he was doing some Tibetan throat singing at the time
Well that was brain-breakingly terrible. Especially the part about her “beaver” being dry. I mean first of all ew ew ew ew. But also, did he think it shouldn’t have been? Like, marriage is a pretty serious commitment, does this colonel fellow actually think the desicion is usually driven by sexual arousel?
Now that I actually read the story, I am thinking high schooler doused in Axe. Otherwise, the thought of who wrote this makes me sad.
LOL!
His larynx responded, but it was talking to the hand. Which was clapped over my ear. The other one, the corresponding auditory organ. Also too.
The larynx line reminded me of this incredible dialog from Zack and Miri Make a Porno:
“I’m gonna fuck you with my pecker!”
“Dude, that’s really dirty.”
“Penis?”
“Fine.”
“I’m gonna fuck you with my penis!”
Okay, I legitimately laughed at this. I think it’s pretty obvious the author was intentionally writing poorly, and to be honest, I don’t think he’s got a bad grasp of that type of humor.
The problem though is that he’s woven things that he actually believes (women not being turned on by betas, etc) into the story and it reads like he’s satirizing those beliefs. If you’d handed this to me and told me that it was written by a feminist making fun of pick up culture, I would have believed you.
So in the end, it’s just kind of stupid.
@kitteh
“My dick is the size of a canteen!” That does sound more like an unpleasant medical condition than an alleged sign of virility.
You’d think a PUA would be competent at bragging and/or lying about his penis size. Maybe the Captain focuses too much on his negging skills or funny hat collection.
“She was a fine tomato. Ripe and juicy from her coconuts down to her eggplant. Her blue ribbon looks could return any salty pickle into a firm cucumber. ‘Pumpkin, if you’re not going to order anything, please go vegetate somewhere else.’ she said. I moved quickly because I didn’t want her to think I would stalk her. She knocked me clean out of my gourd.”
I…. can’t stop it. The puns keep coming using old words as odd jumping off points
Size of a canteen makes me think it’s the shape of a canteen as well, in which case, oww, Guinea worm is the sort of thing that comes to mind.
Quakering–maybe she had a hankering for some oatmeal?
If you ever see a dimebag of coke, let me know. Asking for a friend.
Oatmeal – LOL! Took me a moment to get that. 🙂
@hellkell Dimebag of coke makes me think of a liter of cola from super troopers. I can just imagine a very confused drug dealer.
Oh good, I’m not the only one who thinks Coke rather than coke. 😛
Why do all these Manospereans fancy themselves writers worthy of the Nobel Prize in literature? Whenever they attempt to sound deep, it comes out as purple prose. It almost seems like they’re satirizing their own viewpoints by making their self-insert protagonists so unlikeable.
Not to brag or anything, but I bet I could out-write all of these guys without even thinking about it.
Well there’s a tongue-twister. We just had a nitwit*on a whatnot.
*Maddie, of course.
I do think the author is trying to be funny. But he’s not trying to be funny by pointing out how ridiculous it is that some men think this is how women think; the joke is supposed to be how funny it is that women really are like this.
@kittehserf *cough* mine was more a unit of measurement joke. Like if you asked for a dimebag of coke they would keep asking if you want weed or coke.