I think I may have discovered the worst piece of short fiction ever written. It’s on a manosphere/pickup-artist blog called Colonel Crimson (slogan: “The Colonel of Truth”).
Here’s how it starts:
So I’m in bed with a dime and she says to me, “Willis, what are your goals in life?”
“Simple, Adime,” I respond with my larynx. “To explore the caverns of dimes throughout the world.”
And it only gets worse from there. I would quote the worst bits, but then I’d have to quote the whole thing. Pretty much everything is a worst bit.
There’s some domestic violence, some utterly horrifying descriptions of sex, a lot of mansplaining, and even a sammich joke. There’s an element of self-parody to it — or at least I hope that’s what I’m seeing there — but the author seems to actually believe all the things he’s gently satirizing. You should of course go and read the whole thing immediately.
If you’re hesitating, here’s another sample:
I remind her of her last gentleman suitor. Average height, median weight. Put the schlub in the word schlub. “Do you remember when he strapped on his kneepads and proposed marriage to you?”
“Unfortunately I do.”
“And do you have any recollection of how the beaver felt in that moment?”
“Dry.”
Oh, and in case you were wondering, a “dime” is a Hot Babe 10. Either that or the dude is having hallucinations about talking currency.
See at first I assumed that “dime” was supposed to be “dame” but misspelt and in my head it resulted in my reading this giving the narrator a really strong cockney accent.
Which would probably make this a more interesting story.
Maybe “cavern” is actually cockney rhyming slang?
This managed to offend me as a caver. That’s new. Usually that only happens when people talk about bats being scary and gross. Bats are cool, shut up.
Sort of unrelated, but the best build for caving is usually possessed by people that are tiny and female.
Oh dear….this isn’t just poorly written, it’s got “twisted pervo” stamped all over it. And look at where he links: The Spearhead, Chateau Heartiste, Roosh V, Return of Kings, and Rational Male…..etc.; yeah, this guy’s definitely warped. No question.
historophilia, yeah, I thought it was a misspelling of dame, too, though I didn’t think of a Cockney accent.
One can only hope it’s a Poe. Otherwise, shit, how bad can writing get?
Okay, I think I need to use my legs to walk to my car, use my arms and legs to drive it, and then go all the way to the mall and use my legs again so that I can walk to the Apple store and buy a new computer by giving the cashier money from my own hands. Anyone else want to join me?
I managed one quick scan of that and was done. Done. As in, done with the universe. DONE!
“I dropped my dime on that dame and she went for the quarterback. She came crawling back a day later but she was a dollar short. Who needed Penny, the hypergamous woman from Richard’s canteen?”
Oh, I thought he was talking about patronizing inexpensive prostitutes.
Bats are adorable. A pox on anyone who speaks ill of bats.
I looked up cavern in the urban dictionary and it just makes that dialogue goofier.
pretty sure thats a parody…i have read a lot of BDSM porn, as i think has the writer
First impression I got from this is..whoever wrote this obviously never had sex before. I am sorry but that is the impression I get. It is like they read a whole bunch of Penthouse letters played a lot of D&D and watched some Popeye cartoons and just mashed it all up together.
zoon echon logon – I like bats too. Especially the flying foxes we have in Melbourne. 🙂
@kittehserf: “I like bats too. Especially the flying foxes we have in Melbourne.” Fox McCloud? 😀 (Sorry, it’s a reference to the protagonist of the 1997 N64 classic game, “StarFox”…..he flies jets that shoot lasers and has to save his home galaxy from a marauding would-be dictator…..real fun game, btw.)
opium4the masses, that was awesome.
“I responded with my larynx.”
That may be the worst sentence ever written. “Said.” That is all you need.
I tried to read more of the story, got to the second paragraph and my brain quit.
This creaky excerpt is the Captain’s most successful attempt at humor in the whole story. Terrifyingly, I’m pretty sure the author thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS, peaking at the end with that crowd-pleasing favorite, “make me a sammich”.
Is there any way to try someone for crimes against humor?
“cummage” — he reminds me of Steele.
“quakering…” I don’t think he’s ever seen a woman orgasm.
OT, but the topics of aspirations and bats reminded me that my 4yo’s aspiration is to have Spiderman and Batman as her boyfriends when she grows up.
Thanks for that! I couldn’t stop laughing.
This is going to knock Eye of Argon (worst story ever written and frequently read out at Sci Fi conventions) off its pedestal.
Maybe the author could get this guy to read it out? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikM_Lh8Q0xo
@alternatesteve90: I did a barrel roll when I saw the title of this post. I don’t think it worked…
“I responded with my larynx.”
Thanks cloudiah. It almost makes the dirtiness from channeling that writer worth it.
WAT?
The only explanation I can come up with is that “Adime” is really “Adimebag”, and the author is so high he’s talking to his weed.
@bodycrimes
I read a MSTing of Eye of Argon years ago, it was pure genius. I highly recommend it, if you like that sort of thing.
Unless sex can turn you into a Quaker, in which case he’s witnessed a very rare form of orgasm.