Over on Random Xpat Rantings the terrible excuse for a human being who calls himself Xplat sets forth an intriguing proposition: for men in search of sexy times, having money is the equivalent of a woman having tits.
In other words, it’s not absolutely necessary for a man to have big bucks to garner the attention of the opposite sex, just as it’s not absolutely necessary for a woman to have something in the tit department in order to garner the attention of men, but it helps. A lot.
Oh, by the way, the title of the post in which he sets forth this theory is “ALL women are inherently gold diggers down to their pussy juice.”
Let’s let him explain, in his own icky way:
Women know their value. They know they can trade their value for their benefit. In [South-East Asia] this is not a dirty little secret. It’s not even an open secret. It’s just a fact of life. Money is part of the equation, blatantly and openly. …
Money-and-power-and-social-status is exactly equal to breasts. It can be a cause of sexual attraction in and of itself, and can maintain a relationship when there is nothing else being offered.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure when someone is literally interested in nothing about you except your money, you’re not actually in a “relationship” with that person.
Women aren’t men with vaginas. Their sexual attraction triggers are different. It’s not just that they fuck for food. Not JUST a matter of pragmatic sales of a service. Actual attraction is ALSO involved.
I like big bucks and I cannot lie?
Now, of course Xsplat here is challenging the common PUA gospel that men shouldn’t rely on money to win over their “targets” but rather on being cool and caddish and, you know, going to places where there’s a good chance a lot of the women will be pretty drunk.
Manospherians hampsterbate about this with a zillion “ya buts”. Ya, but you don’t NEED money. Yup, and girls don’t NEED tits.
Having tits is better and more attractive anyway, and girls with tits can get more and better quality men.
Having money is better in exactly the same way. You don’t see many flat chested Penthouse centerfolds, nor are there many broke romance novel heros.
Well, I don’t know much about romance novels, but from what I hear there’s a shitload of slash fiction about two dudes named Sam and Dean who basically live out of their car.
It’s not the case that SOME girls are gold diggers.
It’s just a matter of all the gold diggers mining for gold in different ways.
And of course all of this turns out to be a justification for Xplat’s own use of his relative wealth, as a western expat living in Southeast Asia, to exploit impoverished women for sex.
For me sex is about ecstatic intimacy. Money helps to get more intimacy with a greater percentage of girls, and higher quality girls. I choose to allow egoic esteem to include finances. Money is not cheating. Money helps to skin the cat. Money is not separate from my fantastic ethereal self. Money is part of what I am; part and parcel of what I am to a woman.
That’s got to be one of the creepiest and most delusional excuses for sexual exploitation I think I’ve ever run across in the three years of doing this blog.
…so what’s the problem here? Cuz, um, fuck no you don’t get to cause me pain that’ll bruise without me controlling it!
Unless you’re a cat. I suffered cat anger consequences when I reclaimed my glasses from her earlier.
Pecunium — I doubt I have anything on lexis with my legal name on it, my papers required we use pseudonyms so mine are actually all under Argenti. Most you’d get it where I went to school, and you can get that off FB, which has to be where that twit got my name from.
Whatever, armories may have less ammo than this house, I’m just quaking in my boots! Even with my resume, none of my references or former employers have current contact info.
Fuck, he only people who know my current addy either know it because they know my parents (also generic names), or are you or LBT — people who’ve sent me stuff. A couple old friends know I’m back, but they also know I have a stalker ex and wouldn’t give out my contact info. My IP comes back to the comcast substation, not here, you’ve seen how little is on my G+
Moderately careful is insulting *pouts*
And it was twitter, not my email, so who’ve it was isn’t bright, my email is silly easy to find with this nym (and fuck, the FemBorg one is posted there with a pretty form to poke me with…Lurkeria I got your message and will get back to you, I have a JS mess to unravel before I can properly think about it)
The “issue” with topping from the bottom is it subverts the theoretical paradigm in play, where the dom has total control of events, and can do whatever they like to the sub.
It’s one of the things which comes up in play environments, more than it does in relationships. The BDSM “scene” has a lot of confused aspects, and a lot of people with agendas, often in conflict.
I’ve mostly heard “topping from the bottom” used by Domly Doms, ususally in the context of telling everyone else about how they’re so hardcore and “true” and nobody else does BDSM right and subs should not have _any_ boundaries. This has made me allergic to the term. Because guess what? The second the dom oversteps or ignores the subs boundaries and communication, we’re coasting into rape and abuse rather than BDSM.
Also, I’ve dragged these monster-tits around for almost twenty years now. When will they learn how to get me coffee or write essays or pay bills?
Cats, the ultimate doms.
That notion would be one hell of a reason for me not to indulge any kinks outside a LTR. Trusting a stranger (or even an acquaintance) with my safety like that? A stranger potentially on a power trip? I don’t think so!
It’s a curious phrase meant to indicate a wrong being done by someone who is ostensibly “sub” in a bdsm sense, but still has preferences – preferences which, because the “sub” has them, means the “dom” or “dommes” constrain their available actions.
This is seen as a bad thing, because submissive “should” imply a complete capacity to submit to everything.
That was the definition without attaching a value judgement.
Here’s the definition with the value judgement:
It’s a bullshit term for crossing boundaries other people don’t want crossed, because magically, somehow, the mere act of having desires and preferences invalidates the entire concept of being submissive, which is frankly an incredible load of random strangethought. The issue props up when you express a desire, whatever that might be, and the dom now knows this desire. Having been informed that there’s something you might like, it’s clear that you are trying to steer the scene towards that, and that means you’re trying to control everything, so you’re naturally not a sub, but a dom in disguise. Curtain falls, trumpet music, dun dun duuuun.
It gets my goat so much more than many other things because the only time anyone uses it around me, they have to be braying jackasses of impeccable magnitudes, and it has so far inevitably been a code for: “Shit, someone didn’t want me to do this one thing, and that makes me angry”. So my… thinking carries the strain of some resentment there, and I apologize. Still – at some point I fully expect someone to proclaim that not wanting to get shanked is an expression of topping from the bottom. Hey, dude, if you really were a sub, you’d go along with getting the knifewound.
Bleh.
Intricicacies of power dynamics and the intersection of negotiation and interaction is all well and good, but that’s a wildly different subject. “Topping from the bottom” is a strange ghost.
Ugh, what a creep! We have two students living with us right now, both from Asia. They are not the stereotypical submissive women every white dude thinks them to be. They think the sex trade is despicable.
Dittoing what everyone else is saying about “topping from the bottom”. It is usually only treated like a serious thing by dom’s rights assholes who tend to be the super scary borderline rapists who think that just because they are a “big name” dom, then that means they have the right to act like any of their subs have no boundaries and should have no boundaries or preferences and the dom should just have their “fun” fucking with boundaries and being an abusive dick.
I don’t think it needs to be said that these assholes tend to be white male doms. Often with a tendency towards life play or otherwise just filled with issues about being “more hardcore than thou (in a way in which they dish it out but don’t have to take it because somehow piercing someone else with needles is “tougher” than taking it if your submissive is female) And they tend to justify their borderline crap by pointing to the fact that the subculture is better on issues of consent as if this gives them a free pass or justifies using one’s standing as a “good dom” and the pressures “good subs” of that level are put under to “be okay with everything and subvert their needs”.
Luckily there seems to be a real pushback against these assholes by all the queer and feminist kinksters who actually care about the scene not becoming a rape factory.
Overall though, topping from the bottom is what’s supposed to happen. It should “be all about the sub and the sub’s needs” and it should be deeply responsive to what they want because the sub is the one who is undergoing a massive loss of power and is being put in the most vulnerable space. What you gain as a dom is the power rush and fulfillment of providing that unique experience and the intimacy of being trusted that much to deliver it (speaking as a switch).
That being said, the scene is part of general culture and there are abusive personalities roaming around that are best steered clear of on both sides of the power exchange. My partner played with a “big dom” once and had a good time and then tried to setup a coffee date and he (and it’s often a “he”) spent the entire date trying to gaslight her into a nonconsented mindfuck scene. Definitely soured her for a long time to the idea of picking up play partners at kink events.
As far as the OP asshole, yeah, you’re such a big man you need to exploit third-world prostitutes just to get off. Yeah, that’s totally praise-worthy and not at all a stark metaphor for global US-third world interactions.
On the ex-pat thing, I was one for pretty much my entire childhood (if you look up the term “Third Culture”, there are quite a few of us). There’s usually a mix of people who’re living in place X because of work and people who’re living in place X because they’ve fled their country of origin for some reason, or they fell in love with someone who lived there, or with the place. The people who’re in category two (fled home) can often be a lot like Roosh, ie they’re where they are now because they weren’t able to pull the shit they’re pulling in place X in their country of origin (see also, a lot of Western guys who move to SE Asia, like the creepy OP). It can be really easy for ex-pats to start power tripping in places where they have a lot more money than most local people, but you also get a lot of people for whom the experience ends up making them far more open-minded and politically aware (my dad was one of those).
On the topping from the bottom issue, I’d suggest steering well clear of anyone who seems not to approve of the idea.
RE: topping from the bottom
*snorts* I’m a sexual abuse survivor. If a dom can’t deal with the fact that I get control over what they do to me, then they should play with someone else. I’m a human, not a doll, and that means I have boundaries and preferences. If they don’t want to experience one of my full-brunt meltdowns, then they damn well better get their ego under control.
I mean, I’m trying to imagine the converse for a dom–one that NEEDS the sub to boss him around or something. Which honestly is the only kind of domming I do, most of the time. (I am EXTREMELY paranoid about power-tripping during sex.)
RE: Cerberus
dom’s rights assholes
Oh god, please tell me these people don’t actually exist.
Hey, we’ve already seen MRA groups in India and South Korea, so the idea that there would be doms ridiculous enough to think that they don’t have enough power relative to subs doesn’t really surprise me.
Also! Thank you whoever linked to that maymay dude, because he’s a true lolcow.
http://maybemaimed.com/2010/05/19/edenfantasyss-unethical-technology-is-a-self-referential-black-hole/
Sex toy companies that don’t link to me are unethical and must be destroyed!
LBT-
I’m the same way when I top. It’s really hard for me to let loose and be really cruel because I worry about overstepping a boundary. As a rape survivor who was raised as male (I’m a transwoman), I have that common fear of “becoming the abuser” myself and so it tends to be a fear in the back of my mind that stays my hand a lot. But that just means more negotiation up front and using storytelling as a separation tool (and not being a fuckhead who gets all “mine’s bigger” about how cruel you can be to your sub, that helps too).
As for the doms rights assholes… would you like the truth or a comforting lie?
1. “You don’t see many flat chested Penthouse centerfolds, nor are there many broke romance novel heros.”
Obviously this is a man who hasn’t read many romance novels. Romance novel heroes are often impecunious and raffish. Romance novel heroes are often out of money because, as a species, they aren’t the world’s best budget planners. The situation in which an heiress of merely “good” (sometimes middle-class) birth is paired with a spendthrift heir is a hoary romance-novel plot standby. Pretty much everybody who’s ever read any romance novels to speak of has read at least book written on that premise.
Romance novel heroes aren’t always rich. What romance novel heroes usually are is capable: the idea behind the spendthrift-heir-meets-righteous-bourgeoise plotline is that stony-broke Lord Athelstane’s moneyed middle-class bride is going to mend his fortunes not only by means of her property but by introducing him to his inner go-getter and by making him take an interest in life. Once she’s primed the pump his brain expands and his ingenuity increases, and within the space of a chapter or two he becomes a man of affairs and starts making money hand over fist. But the male lead in these books turns into a cash-bull because, not before, he’s met the love of his life; money is the result of a man’s getting a great woman, not the cause.
2. “My partner played with a ‘big dom’ once and had a good time and then tried to setup a coffee date and he (and it’s often a ‘he’) spent the entire date trying to gaslight her into a nonconsented mindfuck scene. Definitely soured her for a long time to the idea of picking up play partners at kink events.”
There are people out there who will try to ruin things for you. I don’t know why or what they get out of it, but that’s what they do.
RE: CassandraSays
the idea that there would be doms ridiculous enough to think that they don’t have enough power relative to subs doesn’t really surprise me.
Yeah, but absurd as MRAs are, at least they know that men make up about half the population. How many doms could there POSSIBLY be?
I also am glad to have provided you with lolz, especially since your snark is also giving me lolz, which eases a lot of my feelings regarding the guy. I have a hard time sorting through his verbiage alone!
RE: Cerberus
Yeah. I’m generally not very switchy anyway, so my domming is very much of the service variety. I like making my partner happy, and if that means being a little rough with him, with his highly-enthusiastic consent, it only sounds fair!
As for the doms rights assholes… would you like the truth or a comforting lie?
Ah, hurt me. I’m feeling masochistic today.
I’m happy to assist with your co-snarking needs! And with the doms rights people, well, narcissism is a hell of a drug.
*rolls eyes* I know that part of the fun of domming is supposed to be the ego-rush, but I’d WAY rather have a humble dom. It just seems a far better set-up all around, eesh. If I’m going to trust someone with my safety and adoration, they damn well better have their ego bridled.
LBT-
In that case, not only do they exist, but they exist in enough numbers that the “movement” last year was the dominant narrative by presenting “big dom” panelists at the kink conference I went to last year.
The good news is that this year it seems there has been a lot of push back against that self-serving white-boy-dom bullshit and acknowledgement that “hmm, there might be some problems needing to be addressed in the community” though there isn’t really any resources available to do anything about it yet.
On the personal level, it does seem like the doms that I personally recognized as abusive, rapey, or just way too fucking in love with the borderline are being “punished” with a reduction of people who are willing to play with them and presenting opportunities to promote themselves. Possibly a reaction to the number of these fuckers who have been called out in other communities as being rapists of subs or maybe just the result of making subs feel uncomfortable and traumatized in what should be a safe and consent-fetishizing environment.
Ironically enough, I think 50 Shades of Gray might be helping because a lot of the meta conversation has shifted from “wah, I’m white and a dom and I’m used to dynamics wherein I didn’t have to care about consent, so in exchange for pretending to give a shit, I demand my partners never enforce it” to “oh fuck, new people are entering the scene whose only notion of the culture are those hideous abusive books. We better put our best foot forward and clean things up a little or we’re going to be overrun by the general culture’s rape culture.”
To which I only have to say: “Thank Bob for that.”
Wow. Yeah, the more I hear about this stuff, the grosser it is. And I can’t believe 50 Shades of Grey was actually GOOD for something!
Googling ‘doms rights’ mostly just got me odd computery stuff. O_o
This is part of the reason why I’ve voluntarily exiled myself from the community, because my response to people who are known to consistently cross boundaries isn’t “maybe we should talk about this as a community, and possibly do something about it, maybe, at some point, if it doesn’t upset anyone”, it’s “let’s call the cops”.
This doms’ rights stuff takes me right back to the question of ethical sadists and whether that’s an oxymoron – because to me sadism is about the wish to cause distress, not physical pain. It’s like that old joke about the masochist who said “Whip me” and the sadist who said “No.” I know that’s a subset, and there are doms who want to give pleasure to subs, but it’s what a lot of these domly doms (nearly wrote domes, lol) sound like: sadists/power trippers/abusers. Which is pretty much the mainstream impression of BDSM, isn’t it? Creepy that there is so much of that infecting the scene. Creepy, but not surprising.
::waves:: Hi Cerberus!
Yeeeaaaah, CassandraSays. I started dipping my toes in the scene here… but then I kept hearing all these horror stories, including the rape babysitters. And the horror stories just kept coming! I have higher expectations of a subculture that talks so big about consent and safety, especially since I’m extremely vulnerable when I’m doing kink. It took me years of hard work to break away from my rape history; it’s not worth it to me to find a community if I can’t trust them not to send me right back into the lobster pot.
I feel immensely fortunate that my husband is a complete sweetheart and we were able to grow into it together, despite not really having any tutors or community to teach us, just really awesome, sex-pos friends.
It’s honestly not that hard to find someone to play with without getting involved in the community if exploring kink within the context of a relationship is what you’re after. I feel like you only really NEED to be part of the scene if you’re looking to set up a lot of casual encounters.
kittehserf- *wave back*
LBT- Ditto what Cassandra said… okay, that was on accident, but yeah the community can be treated as an afterthought if you’ve got kink-minded partners. I’m only currently playing with my partner and girlfriend and since I trust them, I can feel safe doing things like going to kink events and conferences without worrying about white cis dom male assholes trying to shoot out their privilege like it was the biggest wank ever.
And this easing in has let me know who are the non-shitty educators and presenters in the community.
Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that the kink community is like any other and is just as plagued with rapist abusive libertarians (oh did I not mention that most “dom righters” are also flaming libertarian assholes?) as any other subculture.