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Heartiste: Evil feminists are trying to “legitimize the biologically innate female imperative to f**k alpha males during ovulation and extract resources from beta males during infertile periods.”

Chateau Heartiste: Guarded by Elves?
Chateau Heartiste: Guarded by Elves?

The narcissistic racist pickup artist guru who goes by the ridiculous nickname Heartiste is a bit of an excitable fellow.

What’s got his man-panties in a bunch at the moment is an article on Slate noting that a small number of family therapists have begun to suggest that an affair might not mean the end of a marriage — and that in some cases a mature discussion of the raw feelings exposed by the discovery of an affair might possibly lead instead to a — gasp! — stronger marriage.

This isn’t exactly a revolutionary insight, and the therapists aren’t exactly urging married couples to all sign up to attend the next Polyamory Meetup in their town. But Heartiste is outraged. Though the word “feminism” isn’t uttered a single time in the Slate article, he has decided that it is proof of “The Feminist Push To Sanction Female Infidelity.” As he explains, in his typically overheated prose:

What feminists are attempting to do here is nothing short of legitimize the biologically innate female imperative to fuck alpha males during ovulation and extract resources from beta males during infertile periods of the monthly cycle.

You might think this is just some weird misogynistic crap he’s cooked up, but he DID say “biologically innate female imperative,” so it must be SCIENCE.

CH predicted it: Feminists and various “health professionals” would agitate to normalize the “alpha fux, beta bux” female mating strategy. As society becomes ever more feminized and emasculated, expect to see more of these rancid ideas percolate in mainstream discussion, as the pro-female directive and anti-male directive reach their demonic apotheoses.

Yes, he did indeed just say “their demonic apotheoses.” Heartiste is a bit of a drama king.

You might say, “Well, this means men can be unfaithful without consequence, too!” Oh, ye of precious naivete. Men won’t be let off the hook. The divorce industrial and family court complexes are rigged against the interests of men, and getting more rigged by the day. An army of leftoids fed on the swill of legalese will barely break a sweat holding the contradictory beliefs that women cheat for good reasons and men cheat because they’re oppressive patriarchs.

Eventually, with the help of dazzling sophistry, the law will be twisted to such a warped geometry that the people will come to accept injustice as fairness and lies as truth.

I think what he just said is that women will be allowed to get away with cheating, but men won’t.

Heartiste then goes on to suggest, naturally, that while female infidelity is inherently EEEEEEVIIL , male infidelity is no big deal, because reasons.

And then he just completely buries his head up his reactionary ass:

Feminism is the sick, wheezing spawn of its parent ideology, equalism, the belief in a magical flying spaghetti monster that imbues all humans with equal ability and equal worth, interchangeable flesh cogs that can as easily master astrophysics as lawn care given the right dose of self-esteem boosting pablum.

Oh, he’s not done yet:

Whatever the self-professed noble intentions of their advocates, these ideologies are as wicked and destructive as any genocidal revolutions that have come before them.

Yep, a couple of therapists saying “hey, maybe couples can work through affairs and come out better for it” is the equivalant of Auschwitz.

This is why CH, a citadel firm, guarded by sentries of ancient woods, illuminating a path to enlightenment, will never cease in its mission to utterly crush evil, sick ideologies like feminism so totally that there is no space for even the ashes of its immolation to gather in a stiff wind.

I think he must be drunk. “Sentries of ancient woods?” Are elves guarding his condo?

He ends with this final fantasy:

Feminism’s proponents will suffer endless ridicule should they choose to fight, or they will retreat from the public square to lick their wounds in the comfort of their silent seething thoughts. And, if the spoils of victory are rich indeed, some will self-deliver to release the pain.

Why do so many right-wingers write like this? Do they actually think this pompous nonsense makes them sound smart? I guess they must.

Well, back to my silent seething thoughts. And perhaps a light snack.

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Xanthë
7 years ago

I would like a refund from the ‘magical flying spaghetti monster’ as my flesh cogs aren’t interchangeable.

What?!

gelar
gelar
7 years ago

interchangeable flesh cogs that can as easily master astrophysics as lawn care

Here. Here is where I stopped.

HeatherN
7 years ago

What I find so hilarious is how this sort of nonsense is such obvious sick wish fulfilment. “Feminism is SO EVIL and horrible and such a huge threat! But don’t worry, lads, we’ll win the day! We’ll get them in the end.”

Like, feminism’s such a huge monster that only the select few red pillers can save the world from it’s clutches.

It’s a damn superhero origin story. I swear. Or maybe LotR. Or maybe Harry Potter. – You get the point.

freemage
freemage
7 years ago

And, if the spoils of victory are rich indeed, some will self-deliver to release the pain.

Am I reading that correctly? Is he suggesting that his hope is that after his Elven Defensive Brigade defeats the Feminist Horde, that some of the feminists will then kill themselves from despair, because that would make his victory sweeter?

May he sit on nothing but cacti for the rest of his days…..

(Oddly, I wasn’t that impressed with the original article. There’s a vast difference between saying something good can come out of something bad, and saying that that makes the something bad actually BE a good thing. An affair is something that a relationship can survive, yes, and may be stronger on the far side of things. But it’s also a failure of that relationship in the moment–anything good that COULD come out of it probably could’ve been gotten without resorting to infidelity.)

Jason Dick
7 years ago

Nice. And the Slate article didn’t seem to single out cheating by either a male or female partner. It was just about cheating in general. It’s only this douchenozzle that decided to make it all about women cheating on men.

HeatherN
7 years ago

Regarding “interchangeable flesh cogs:” I’m pretty sure Heartiste is using his usual florid & unintelligible prose to try to talk about how he thinks the idea of equality is wrong because everyone is not the same (i.e. interchangeable). It’s his inability to recognise the difference between saying “everyone is the same,” (which is obviously not what SJ folks say) and “everyone is an individual of equal worth” (which is what SJ folks are fighting for).

He (and a lot of other manosphere types) just can’t reconcile the idea of difference without inequality…or individual difference without generalised difference (i.e. stereotypes). Basically, they all need to read Julie Kristeva.

Karalora
7 years ago

My questions is, if the imperative is as innately biological as all that, then what’s the purpose of railing against it? Might as well rail against left-handedness. You can’t change innate biology, yeah? Isn’t that how Heartiste et al justify their douchetastic behavior? So why are the “innate biological imperatives” of men sacrosanct but the “innate biological imperatives” of women are devilish?

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

If something is “biologically innate” it really doesn’t need to be legitimized. I mean, there’s movement to legitimize farting or pissing, both of which are “biologically innate.” So, yeah, bullshit.

And all human beings are of equal worth.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

The purple penile prose is too much. Heartiste doesn’t have issues, he has subscriptions.

Maude LL
Maude LL
7 years ago

We shouldn’t be so harsh on Heartiste. After all, according to his twitter feed, he came up with the concept of infidelity before everyone else.

chibigodzilla
7 years ago

Swill of Legalese – Court records recited as sea shanties
Interchangeable Flesh Cogs – Industrial Filk
Boosting Pablum – Synth Pop

Am I reading that correctly? Is he suggesting that his hope is that after his Elven Defensive Brigade defeats the Feminist Horde, that some of the feminists will then kill themselves from despair, because that would make his victory sweeter?

Pretty much, except note that the “battle” will be one of “ridicule,” so he’s pretty much hoping that his ilk will harass feminists into committing suicide. I have no band name joke for this.

katz
7 years ago

there is no space for even the ashes of its immolation to gather in a stiff wind

I’m stuck on this phrase. If there was less space, wouldn’t the ashes gather more because they couldn’t spread out? Why would the ashes gather at all if there was a stiff wind? Or is the lack of space supposed to be causing the stiff wind?

chibigodzilla
7 years ago

@katz – I’m assuming he means no places will remain that would suffer even the presence of the ashes, but I have no idea what wind has to do with it.

katz
7 years ago

Right, but if the ashes exist, they have to be somewhere, right? Unless he’s just getting rid of…all places?

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

I wonder if the liquor store carries the Swill of Legalese, and if so, what is it?

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

I don’t know what’s more readable: Heartiste or whale.to.

I went to whale.to today. Oh godssssssssssssssssssssssss.

baileyrenee
7 years ago

Biologically Innate – Deathcore

Rancid Ideas Percolate – Doom metal

Demonic Apotheoses – Melodic black metal

Army of Leftoids – White nationalist metal

Dazzling Sophistry – Goth Metal

Interchangeable Flesh Cogs – Sludge metal

Sentries of Ancient Woods – Power metal

Silent Seething Thoughts – Drone metal

That’s all the sense I could make out of this. What a poop.

katz
7 years ago

chibi: I…kinda want to get that for my nephew but it says ages 3 and up 🙁

baileyrenee
7 years ago

Why was the x in “alpha fux, beta bux” necessary?

He’s all cool and hip, spellin’ things with x’s. Next he’ll be using z’s!

chibigodzilla
7 years ago

@katz – I am not a parent, but I would think that if your nephew has other plush animals, he’d be fine with one of those as well. That’s really all they are, stuffed animals with big round bodies.

Also, they look to be furrinati approved:
http://www.squishable.com/user_gallery/squish_corgi_15/squish_corgi_15_user29.jpg http://www.squishable.com/user_gallery/squish_worrible_15/squish_worrible_15_user53.jpg

chibigodzilla
7 years ago

Why was the x in “alpha fux, beta bux” necessary?

He’s all cool and hip, spellin’ things with x’s. Next he’ll be using z’s!

This way, the adults can’t get mad at him for using a swear.

long time lurker
long time lurker
7 years ago

self deliver to release the pain – straightedge hardcore

Quackers
Quackers
7 years ago

Ok…wow. This is freaky, because I was totally admiring and contemplating buying a Lego Hobbit set like, 2 hours ago. The hivemind is getting stronger!!!

Also I see Heartiste is still blabbering on about matrigynocratical conspiracies in his usual flowery, pretentious way.

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

chibigodzilla – You think that he did it so that his parent’s won’t notice that he said the word “fuck” a sentence earlier? 😉

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

parents* OH MY GODS I SUCK AT GRAMMAR.

katz
7 years ago

self deliver to release the pain – straightedge hardcore

You’re all over this.

Jojo
Jojo
7 years ago

I might be missing the entire point, but wouldn’t making it socially acceptable for women to have more sexual partners be a good thing? Because it seems like that would increase my chances of mating by a good deal.

baileyrenee
7 years ago

self deliver to release the pain – straightedge hardcore

Good one!

chibigodzilla
7 years ago

chibigodzilla – You think that he did it so that his parent’s won’t notice that he said the word “fuck” a sentence earlier? 😉

Maybe if he said “fuck” one more time he’d loose his pg-13 rating?

katz
7 years ago

Maybe if he said “fuck” one more time he’d loose his pg-13 rating?

As opposed to saying “fux,” which gives him an i-am-13 rating.

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

long time lurker – Reminds me of a NIN song. 😛

chibigodzilla – Oh noes! Parents won’t let their 13 year old read my screed on how men should totally be allowed to cheat on women because BIOTRUTHS! I need to censor “fuck”, hmmm…. hey, maybe if I did it in this hip way, they won’t notice!

^ Transcript of Heartiste’s rationalization [animal]. *nod*

ceebarks
7 years ago

You’d think writing the same apocalyptic nonsense over and over would get old. It might’ve been semi-plausible circa 2009ish if you were a bit drunk and weepy, but here we all are four years later, still eating nutella off the spoon and writing lame-o blog comments.

Quackers
Quackers
7 years ago

meanwhile on this I Fucking Love Science Post, mostly dudes are calling Bonobos sluts and saying they are no different than real women. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=705398806147800&set=a.456449604376056.98921.367116489976035&type=1&theater

yet another reason why I will not believe that sexism against women is no longer an issue. And why I wont stop being a feminist. Fun tip douchebags: want feminism to disappear? stop slut-shaming women…and stop applying your backwards morals to friggen monkeys!

Also you’d think that if all the women are banging dominant alphas, there wouldn’t be so many bitter so-called betas around.

Quackers
Quackers
7 years ago

and I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m kinda surprised to see such boneheaded comments on a science page. Maybe because professing to love science has become trendy today. Yet no one seems to know exactly what scientific thinking is. Hint: it’s not calling bonobos sluts.

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

Quackers – Science isn’t free of stupid people, sadly. Even Nobel scientists can have a stupid (see: Linus Pauling)

nilvoidwhy
nilvoidwhy
7 years ago

@baileyrenee – Rancid Ideas Percolate would definitely be grindcore.

freemage
freemage
7 years ago

Jojo | November 15, 2013 at 5:34 pm
I might be missing the entire point, but wouldn’t making it socially acceptable for women to have more sexual partners be a good thing? Because it seems like that would increase my chances of mating by a good deal.

You have to dig deeper into the slime to gain understanding of the sludge, Grasshopper Jojo.

The desire for sex with women is, you see, almost incidental for many of these men, especially among the self-styled leaders. What they truly seek is control. Thus, anything which might threaten to empower a woman to make her own decision–even if that decision itself is one that would, in theory, be to the man’s benefit–is a Bad Thing [TM].

If control cannot be had, then the sex itself ceases to have value–this is, of course, why so many of them fear the (far too slow) war against rape culture, for rape culture is all about making certain that women cannot have agency, to say no OR yes. Instead, they must say no, and be overridden, in order to establish that their opinion is not tolerated.

And Grasshopper Jojo, in the future, I recommend having a hot shower already running when you ask these questions; I don’t know about you, but I feel like I need to do a full-body bleaching.

freemage
freemage
7 years ago

(On re-read, I think the “grasshopper” bit may have been more condescending in tone than I was trying for, and thus, would really appreciate if everyone would agree to just ignore those bits. Jojo, an apology is yours for the asking.)

baileyrenee
7 years ago

I think you may be right nilvoidwhy.

I have been out-metal’d.

Quackers
Quackers
7 years ago

@Alice

so THAT’S where that Vitamin C stuff came from! I know a few people that I’ll be sending that link to lol.

Lady Mondegreen
7 years ago

Yeah, as others have pointed out, something that’s “biologically innate” and “imperative” doesn’t need to be legitimized.

And he thinks it’s totes legitimate for men to cheat. Of course! I bet he thinks it’s a biological imperative for them, too. But male biological imperatives are cool. Female biological imperatives are EEEEEVIL.

Why do so many right-wingers write like this? Do they actually think this pompous nonsense makes them sound smart? I guess they must.

Surely it’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Surely anybody else, no matter how tragically isolated (and you can just tell this fellow doesn’t have warm and healthy relationships with friends or family,) would realize how ridiculous he sounds? (Surely?)

Lady Mondegreen
7 years ago

I know it goes without saying, but they don’t even get the natural history right. Leaving aside all the evo psych pseudoscience, in species with alpha males trying to control everyone else’s sexuality, the females tend to sneak off and mate with betas.

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

Quackers – Yep yep! No problems! SPREAD THE KNOWLEDGE!

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
7 years ago

“And, if the spoils of victory are rich indeed, some will self-deliver to release the pain.”

Since women are considered the spoils of war I had a different creepy take on this than others did.

Also too and besides I am hard pressed to accept the idea in the Slate article that discovering that you cannot trust your partner is likely to improve your future relationship.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
7 years ago

The self deliver bit is particularly creeptastic.

Ellie
Ellie
7 years ago

Are you sure this isn’t just some elaborate trolling :p that is one of the most hilariously bad bombastic writing styles I’ve seen

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

What on earth is the “divorce industrial and family court complex”? Is Boeing now manufacturing prenuptial agreements?

Lady Mondegreen
7 years ago

Feminism’s proponents will suffer endless ridicule should they choose to fight…

“Should they choose to fight”? Dude, we’ve been fighting for at least 50 years. And we know you know that, because just a second ago you were complaining bitterly about the fact that we’ve changed the culture so much.

Heartiste: Oooh, you awful feminists, you’ll be ever so sorry if you keep that up! You’re worse than Nazis! NO REALLY, STOP RIGHT NOW OR WE’LL LAUGH AT YOU!

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