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Heartiste: Evil feminists are trying to “legitimize the biologically innate female imperative to f**k alpha males during ovulation and extract resources from beta males during infertile periods.”

Chateau Heartiste: Guarded by Elves?
Chateau Heartiste: Guarded by Elves?

The narcissistic racist pickup artist guru who goes by the ridiculous nickname Heartiste is a bit of an excitable fellow.

What’s got his man-panties in a bunch at the moment is an article on Slate noting that a small number of family therapists have begun to suggest that an affair might not mean the end of a marriage — and that in some cases a mature discussion of the raw feelings exposed by the discovery of an affair might possibly lead instead to a — gasp! — stronger marriage.

This isn’t exactly a revolutionary insight, and the therapists aren’t exactly urging married couples to all sign up to attend the next Polyamory Meetup in their town. But Heartiste is outraged. Though the word “feminism” isn’t uttered a single time in the Slate article, he has decided that it is proof of “The Feminist Push To Sanction Female Infidelity.” As he explains, in his typically overheated prose:

What feminists are attempting to do here is nothing short of legitimize the biologically innate female imperative to fuck alpha males during ovulation and extract resources from beta males during infertile periods of the monthly cycle.

You might think this is just some weird misogynistic crap he’s cooked up, but he DID say “biologically innate female imperative,” so it must be SCIENCE.

CH predicted it: Feminists and various “health professionals” would agitate to normalize the “alpha fux, beta bux” female mating strategy. As society becomes ever more feminized and emasculated, expect to see more of these rancid ideas percolate in mainstream discussion, as the pro-female directive and anti-male directive reach their demonic apotheoses.

Yes, he did indeed just say “their demonic apotheoses.” Heartiste is a bit of a drama king.

You might say, “Well, this means men can be unfaithful without consequence, too!” Oh, ye of precious naivete. Men won’t be let off the hook. The divorce industrial and family court complexes are rigged against the interests of men, and getting more rigged by the day. An army of leftoids fed on the swill of legalese will barely break a sweat holding the contradictory beliefs that women cheat for good reasons and men cheat because they’re oppressive patriarchs.

Eventually, with the help of dazzling sophistry, the law will be twisted to such a warped geometry that the people will come to accept injustice as fairness and lies as truth.

I think what he just said is that women will be allowed to get away with cheating, but men won’t.

Heartiste then goes on to suggest, naturally, that while female infidelity is inherently EEEEEEVIIL , male infidelity is no big deal, because reasons.

And then he just completely buries his head up his reactionary ass:

Feminism is the sick, wheezing spawn of its parent ideology, equalism, the belief in a magical flying spaghetti monster that imbues all humans with equal ability and equal worth, interchangeable flesh cogs that can as easily master astrophysics as lawn care given the right dose of self-esteem boosting pablum.

Oh, he’s not done yet:

Whatever the self-professed noble intentions of their advocates, these ideologies are as wicked and destructive as any genocidal revolutions that have come before them.

Yep, a couple of therapists saying “hey, maybe couples can work through affairs and come out better for it” is the equivalant of Auschwitz.

This is why CH, a citadel firm, guarded by sentries of ancient woods, illuminating a path to enlightenment, will never cease in its mission to utterly crush evil, sick ideologies like feminism so totally that there is no space for even the ashes of its immolation to gather in a stiff wind.

I think he must be drunk. “Sentries of ancient woods?” Are elves guarding his condo?

He ends with this final fantasy:

Feminism’s proponents will suffer endless ridicule should they choose to fight, or they will retreat from the public square to lick their wounds in the comfort of their silent seething thoughts. And, if the spoils of victory are rich indeed, some will self-deliver to release the pain.

Why do so many right-wingers write like this? Do they actually think this pompous nonsense makes them sound smart? I guess they must.

Well, back to my silent seething thoughts. And perhaps a light snack.

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Jessay (@jessay)
6 years ago

I actually witnessed someone claiming to be an MRA the other day telling another self proclaimed MRA that he couldn’t complain about women “seeking high status men” while still chasing HB10s. I was like, “HOSHIT! A somewhat self-aware MRA? THEY EXIST?”

Ellie
Ellie
6 years ago

Sorry for the ignorance but what does ‘hb’ stand for?

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

I actually witnessed someone claiming to be an MRA the other day telling another self proclaimed MRA that he couldn’t complain about women “seeking high status men” while still chasing HB10s. I was like, “HOSHIT! A somewhat self-aware MRA? THEY EXIST?”

Migawd, a UNICORN!

kittehserf
6 years ago

Ellie – HB is hot babe in this case. ::pukes::

talacaris
6 years ago

Here why they seem to be so influenced by Dr Strangelove:
“”Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn’t that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?”
“Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature”

kittehserf
6 years ago

Yup, that’s exactly the scene I had in mind, talacaris. 🙂

katz
6 years ago

Mind you, if he’s still talking about HB10’s, he can’t have that much self-awareness.

kittehserf
6 years ago

It’d be nice to think he was being ironic, but if he knew how to do irony, he wouldn’t be an MRA.

Jessay (@jessay)
6 years ago

Haha, I don’t think he actually SAID HB10, it’s just a convenient shorthand to use in this context. Just the fact that this dude was spelling out for another that having personal preferences is natural and that to criticize someone else for theirs while you’re dedicated to your own is hypocritical was shocking for me. I’ve never seen one of those moderate MRAs they keep talking about in the wild before.

AJF
AJF
6 years ago

In relation to the HB10 discussion going on – I’ve recently been in a debate with an MRA on Reddit, who made the bold claim that, because women can use their beauty and sexuality to get rich and powerful men, men are being oppressed by this. Apparently, a rich, powerful man having his pick of beautiful women is yet another form of awful ‘matriarchal’ (to use his words – he really didn’t know what matriarchy meant) oppression that men have to suffer.

WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE POOR, OPPRESSED, 1%ER WHITE MALE BEING FORCED TO CHOOSE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN TO SLEEP WITH :'(

practicalh
6 years ago

Love him or hate him, heartiste is an incredible writer, and although some of his views are quite brutal and extreme, his idea on manjaws, androgyny and masculinization of women sound painfully true, especially as they apply to the professional world in our big cities.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

“Incredible” = not credible. Yup, he’s that, all right.

“Some of his views are quite brutal and extreme” …yup. Brutally stupid and extremely wrong.

Also, WTF are “manjaws”? I’m getting mental images of big mechanical sharks from cheesy old horror movies here.

Ally S
6 years ago

I don’t know what ze means by “manjaws”, but that word reeks of transmisogyny.

MordsithJ
6 years ago

cloudiah
6 years ago

That “Love him or hate him” intro is the classic sign of a lazy writer. It signals that you’re not capable of making one an argument, so you’ll just pretend everyone acknowledges the point you know you can’t prove.

We really DO need a better class of troll around here. Maybe we should have auditions.

cloudiah
6 years ago

A superfluous “one” flew into my comment box. Please ignore.

titianblue
titianblue
6 years ago

his idea on manjaws, androgyny and masculinization of women sound painfully true, especially as they apply to the professional world in our big cities

His ideas “sound “painfully true”.

so you’ve actually no clue whether they are true or not, no citations or data, you just think they “sound” true.

Come back when you have a clue, sweetie.

CassandraSays
6 years ago

I love the idea that having a career can change the shape of a woman’s jaw. It’s just so hilariously stupid.

MollyRen (@MollyRen)
6 years ago

I know Heartist’s obsession with writing about feminist women having “manjaws” is just a more elaborate version of “You’re just feminist because you’re ugly, har har” but the way he writes about it makes it sound like women actually *evolve* to look more like men the more feminist a culture becomes.

MollyRen (@MollyRen)
6 years ago

… or does he literally think that? Does he literally think political inclinations influence the human form? o.O

CassandraSays
6 years ago

In terms of the career stuff he’s basically seeing it as starting with the Second Wave, right? So, less than 50 years to change the shape of people’s faces. Who knew evolution worked that fast?

(He is so dumb.)

titianblue
titianblue
6 years ago

Wonders to self whether repeated grinding of teeth at idiocy of MRAs could result in stronger jaw line.

Wanders over to look in mirror.

Nope, doesn’t look that way.

Λυνα
Λυνα
6 years ago

Love ___ or hate ___, ___ is an incredible writer, and although some of ___ views are quite ___ and ___, their ideas on ___, ___ and ___ of ___ sound ___ true, especially as they apply to the ___ in our ___.

Isn’t that standard format for hacks and highschool students who are supposed to read and reflect on something when they can’t actually be bothered to?

serrana
serrana
6 years ago

Auva, yep. It makes a perfect mad-lib, even. Try it.

Here’s mine:

Love zir or hate zir, Attila the Hun is an incredible writer, and although some of zir views are quite squishy and obtuse, zir idea on eyeballs, lightbulb sockets and vulcanization of insurance adjusters sound warmly true, especially as they apply to the winged world in our drippy cities.

sparky
sparky
6 years ago

Mad Libs!:

Love her or hate her, Ella Fitzgerald is an incredible writer, and although some of her views are quite diaphanous and vintage, her ideas on duodenums, goats and the micturition of scriveners sound loosely true, especially as they apply to the carbonated world in our magnetic cities.

ceebarks
ceebarks
6 years ago

Love him or hate him, Justin Bieber is an incredible writer, and although some of his views are quite melliflouous and spastic, their ideas on tie-dye, rhinestones and open-source software of Mecury sound quizzically true, especially as they apply to the stinky feet in our federally protected wetlands.

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

So, Le Fartiste thinks working and independence give women “man jaws”? Oh hell, I know a lot of hard-working, driven careerist dudes who don’t even have those. Le Fart fails so hard!

kittehserf
6 years ago

If trollolol thinks Fartiste is an incredible writer (in a good way, not as in “this isn’t credible” or “this is incredibly bad”), I’m left wondering what on earth trolly’s usual reading matter is. How bad would it have to be to make Mr Ghost of Old Beans look good?

vaiyt
6 years ago

Now I’m picturing a woman who replaces her jaw with a giant jagged prosthetic, Baron Underbheit style, and gains superpowers as a result.

kittehserf
6 years ago

::looks up Baron Underbheit::

Cool! 😀

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
6 years ago

Love him or hate her, Rick James is an incredible writer, and although some of his views are quite scrofulous and unctuous, her idea on cerebellum, toothpick and digestion of Yankees sound desperately true, especially as they apply to the shiny world in our soft cities.

Ally S
6 years ago

[Content note: sexual harassment]

OT, but I just came across a Huffington Post article about Elan Gale sexually harassing a woman who was annoying him on his flight. Because sexual harassment is totes funny – at least according the article and, well, the overwhelming majority of the commentators.

Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/29/annoying-airplane-passenger_n_4360667.html

kittehserf
6 years ago

The first few comments I read, twenty or so, pretty much said she behaved badly but he behaved worse, though nobody’s mentioned that it was sexual harrasment, though they do point out that he’s bullying her. I don’t know who the chucklefuck is, but he sounds like a loser.

serrana
serrana
6 years ago

I saw that on FB, skimmed the Buzzfeed thing, and it really bothered me, but I didn’t have time to put my finger on it. Yeah, this is a case of two wrongs.

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

They both sound like insufferable assholes I wouldn’t want to be on a plane with.

neuroticbeagle
6 years ago

Eh, I think he did have a point (see here: http://theyearofelan.tumblr.com/post/68424148654/diane) but he should have stopped after the wine glass note. After one makes one’s point, one does not need to continue to antagonize the person.

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

I feel bad for the flight attendant who had to deal with these overgrown children.

kittehserf
6 years ago

Same here, hellkell.

That guy put himself in the wrong the minute he did the “suck my dick” bit, and after that he was just harassing her. Little weed.

Ally S
6 years ago

Yeah, I agree that the woman was also being insufferable, but at least she wasn’t the one sexually harassing people. The fact that Elan is gloating about it is just terrible.

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
6 years ago

his idea on manjaws, androgyny and masculinization of women sound painfully true, especially as they apply to the professional world in our big cities

Only if you accept the premise that some traits are inherently masculine or feminine, and also the premise that having traits of the “opposite” gender is a bad thing.

Love ___ or hate ___, ___ is an incredible writer, and although some of ___ views are quite ___ and ___, their ideas on ___, ___ and ___ of ___ sound ___ true, especially as they apply to the ___ in our ___.

We had this exact conversation about Chris Hitchens (excuse me, “Hitch”) a few months ago. It’s such a lazy way to excuse someone’s appalling views.

Now I’m picturing a woman who replaces her jaw with a giant jagged prosthetic, Baron Underbheit style, and gains superpowers as a result.

This is a great idea!

Anand
Anand
6 years ago

Cheat on the cheaters, best way to deal with it.

Anand
Anand
6 years ago

Anne Bercht, author of a 2004 book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me

Its an interesting book that expresses the same view as that of the slate article from the other end of the spectrum.

Anand
Anand
6 years ago

Btw, i would like to know how you would react if your husband ever cheated on you or had an affair. Would you take him to the cleaners in divorce or would you go the anne bercht way?

Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
6 years ago

Cheeta was originally played by a chimpanzee named ‘Jiggs’.

Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
6 years ago

Though in the original novels, the character was known as ‘Nkima’,

kittehserf
6 years ago

Fuck off, Anand. What’s this obsession you have with adultery, anyway? You’re the most boring necro troll around here.

Anand
Anand
6 years ago

I just read the article and did a bit of reading and came up on the book by anne bercht. It was intresting and thought i should point it out.

Kim
Kim
6 years ago

Well, you were wrong again. What you should do is go away until you have something worthwhile to say. And no, you are not capable of judging what is worthwhile.

kittehserf
6 years ago

Nicely put, Kim.

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