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Fidelbogen writes a manifesto (and it’s even more turgid than you’d expect)

How to write a manifesto: The Fidelbogen way
How to write a manifesto: The Fidelbogen way

If you’re starting up a political movement and want to get the asses into the seats — and then out into the streets — it’s helpful to have a stirring manifesto.

Here’s the opening of the Communist Manifesto.

A spectre is haunting Europe — the spectre of communism. All the powers of old Europe have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Pope and Tsar, Metternich and Guizot, French Radicals and German police-spies.

That’s pretty good, you gotta admit. Like the start of an action movie.

And then there’s the classic opening of our own Declaration of Independence. Not quite as dramatic, but pretty damn stately. It starts off with all that “[w]hen in the Course of human events” stuff, and then, BAM:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That is, like, really quotable and shit.

Well, our old friend Fidelbogen has been doing some manifesto writing of his own. Let’s see how his new manifesto stands up against these classics.

The Manifesto of Coalition JS38

JS38 – Operational Overview

JS38 is a coalition of politically conscious non-feminist groups and individuals. The name itself is a random character string which serves only as an identification tag. As a project, JS38 is designed to overcome the problems which labels often generate – such problems as branding, false grouping, conflation, stereotypification, message degradation and the like.

What What WHAT?! You’ve named your movement after A RANDOM CHARACTER STRING?

Fidelbogen apparently thinks he’s writing a manifesto for robots.

Let’s see if he can pick up the pace a bit in the second paragraph:

We recognize that we are in a contest to sway hearts and minds.

Yeah, nothing wins hearts and minds faster than random character strings.

We recognize that this contest is played out on the field of public rhetoric – by which we mean things popularly said and heard. We strive, accordingly, to craft a message as well as we are able.

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but you are about as talented at crafting messages as I am at ballet dancing.  The difference between the two of us is that I don’t post videos of myself trying to ballet dance on the internet, while you have a blog entirely — if inadvertently — devoted to documenting your failures to “craft messages” with any kind of skill. (And of course there’s your amazing Twitter account.)

The operation of JS38 will boost and clarify the signal of our selected message and cut through the background noise. In this way, the message will gain a more individuated presence within the public discourse.

Uh, see what I mean? Then Fidey, having set forth no reasons whatsoever for anyone to get involved in his little project, gets into the nitty-gritty of how it will work:

Members of JS38 (called “signatories”) are aligned with each other under the terms of a Prime Constitution – a list of points that encompass a mission, a code of principles, and a practical worldview.

He continues on in this fashion for approximately one million words (rough estimate). Here are some more snippets, to give you a flavor:

JS38 is neither a moral collective nor an organization in any sense, but only a joint intellectual effort to distill a message signal, and to differentiate this from what other feminist-averse groups and individuals are transmitting.  …

If we establish that an octagon is an eight-sided geometrical figure, the truth of that message remains uncompromised by the messenger. Even if Stalin or Caligula declared that an octagon was an eight-sided geometrical figure, it would not become a nine-sided or seven-sided figure. …

The points in the Prime Constitution are not listed in order of priority, and there is no linear progression of ideas from one item to the next. However, the items do form a loose holographic unity.  …

Ideally, every sub-constitution would list its entire chain of linkages, leading eventually back to the Prime Constitution, which is deemed canonical. In the end, this would generate a pyramidal structure of variations which cascade from the Prime Constitution. …

We value self-containment and aplomb in our spoken and written communications. Furthermore, we believe it is good practice to “think like a lawyer.” …

We define our method as query-based rather than theory-based – although it is true that we theorize. But feminism owes us answers, and not the reverse. Thus, if we declare that “feminism is x”, we are expecting proof that feminism is NOT x, and shall expect our concerns to be sensitively and respectfully addressed. …

If a particular idea is not expressly stated in this document, it cannot be attributed to the document. Equally, however, it cannot be said that the document excludes it. …

We seek to bring about a decolonization of the non-feminist mind. To that end, we claim an epistemic standpoint independent of feminist discourse, and from said standpoint we develop a counter-discourse. …

We assert the prerogative to define feminism in absolute terms in the light of our own study, regardless of feminist objection to such a proceeding. Simply put, feminism categorically IS what WE say it is. …

We assert that feminism is like a product that must be sold, and that nobody is obligated to buy. …

I’m thinking that Fidelbogen’s He Man Antifeminism Club 4NtevaSh — sorry, “Coalition JS38“ — isn’t going to be making a lot of sales itself.

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dustydeste
dustydeste
8 years ago

We assert the prerogative to define Fidelbogan in absolute terms in the light of our own study, regardless of MRA objection to such a proceeding. Simply put, misandry categorically IS what WE say it is. …

Hey look, I can write bullshit too! Words are magic! If I say something, no one can contradict me! Because!

Alice Sanguinaria
8 years ago

But feminism owes us answers, and not the reverse. Thus, if we declare that “feminism is x”, we are expecting proof that feminism is NOT x, and shall expect our concerns to be sensitively and respectfully addressed. …

Because you can totally prove a negative. Burden of proof fail.

Robert
Robert
8 years ago

Now we know what Lovecraft would have written like had he gone into political science instead of weird fiction. I’d rather reread “Horror at Red Hook” than a page of this drek.

dustydeste
dustydeste
8 years ago

To be fair, we did go over this all with some troll lately – I think it was the Asshat McGee episode? – and you can, in fact, prove some negatives. It’s universal negatives or some such (that X exists literally nowhere, for example: things that would require literal omniscience to ascertain) that can’t be proven. That doesn’t mean that a person making an assertion, in this case Fidelbogen, gets to shift the onus of proof onto whoever they like.

Depending on what specific claims Fidey makes, it’s entirely possible, and indeed likely, that we can prove they’re inaccurate. But it doesn’t mean we need to. Technically, the onus is on him to prove his asinine assertions.

Especially given that he’s demonstrably full of shit and unacquainted with the concept of logic…

titianblue
titianblue
8 years ago

if we declare that “feminism is x”, we are expecting proof that feminism is NOT x, and shall expect our concerns to be sensitively and respectfully addressed.

Fidelbogen defines “entitlement”.

Alice Sanguinaria
8 years ago

dustydeste – True, one CAN prove a negative claim. But the burden of proof fail still applies.

kittehserf
8 years ago

Asimov really needed to add a fourth law of robotics about the need to program robots to speak in, well, Human and not just Robot. Because poor ol’ Fideybot sure isn’t using any human language I recognise here.

Unless he’s writing in robotspeak because ‘bots are his target audience … does this mean the sexbots-that-totally-exist-already have rebelled against dudebrobots already?

cloudiah
8 years ago

If you Google JS38, you’ll find it’s a popular self-propelled mower from John Deere.

Today, in things that are more popular than MRA coalitions…

cloudiah
8 years ago

If we establish that an octagon is an eight-sided geometrical figure, the truth of that message remains uncompromised by the messenger. Even if Stalin or Caligula declared that an octagon was an eight-sided geometrical figure, it would not become a nine-sided or seven-sided figure

In other words, we know our public figures & figureheads are about as well-loved as Stalin and Caligula, but please look past that for a moment.

Alice Sanguinaria
8 years ago

kittehs – Are you suggesting that Fidelbogen is a time traveling AI?

O_O

Alice Sanguinaria
8 years ago

Oh yeah, and this tidbit!

We assert the prerogative to define feminism in absolute terms in the light of our own study, regardless of feminist objection to such a proceeding. Simply put, feminism categorically IS what WE say it is.

Good to know that MRAs plan to use dishonest characterization and strawfeminists to make their point!

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Wait… waitwaitwait… in order to avoid labels and the problems inherent within them, they’re just going with a totally random collection of characters which, incidentally, could be so easily Godwin’d? Using a crap, random label hardly overcomes the problems with labels. You just have all the problems of labels, and a stupid label, and one which can be interpreted as saying “Jews Suck ’38.”
Since I now assert the prerogative to define JS38 in absolute terms in the light of my own study, regardless of JS38 objection to such a proceeding, JS38 categorically IS an acronym for “Jews Suck ’38.”
For those concerned that this is not the result of an acceptable rigorous study, I’m following the MRA method of academic research – making no effort to understand that issues being spoken of, and making sweeping pronouncements without regard to truth. This being the MRA way, it stands to reason that they must accept my discovery of JS38’s true meaning.

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
8 years ago

God, that was amazing. Such prose. Such wit. Such inanity confused as serious discourse, disguised such uncomprimised inability to compromise.

Especially those last five paragraphs.

Thus, if we declare that “feminism is x”, we are expecting proof that feminism is NOT x, and shall expect our concerns to be sensitively and respectfully addressed. …

We assert the prerogative to define feminism in absolute terms in the light of our own study, regardless of feminist objection to such a proceeding. Simply put, feminism categorically IS what WE say it is. …

I don’t think you can quite capture the essence of entitlement (titianblue is right) better than that. Beautiful.

Draconius
Draconius
8 years ago

“We talk bull-crap.”

…and that’s all Fidel needed to write. That’s basically what he said in three words.

katz
8 years ago

Since I now assert the prerogative to define JS38 in absolute terms in the light of my own study, regardless of JS38 objection to such a proceeding, JS38 categorically IS an acronym for “Jews Suck ’38.”

Or at the least, you’re expecting proof that it doesn’t stand for that.

kittehserf
8 years ago

kittehs – Are you suggesting that Fidelbogen is a time traveling AI?

O_O

In his case AI stands for Artificial Idiocy, of course.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Or at the least, you’re expecting proof that it doesn’t stand for that.

You’re damn right! I expect to see the transitional fossil that proves it!!

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

In his case AI stands for Artificial Idiocy, of course.

Sure, Accentuated Idiocy?

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

ly
Surely

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

If you Google JS38, you’ll find it’s a popular self-propelled mower from John Deere.

This is awesome.

kittehserf
8 years ago

One small bit of irony in Fidey’s demand for proof that feminism isn’t what he says, is that … it isn’t. The proof is already there, if he and his ‘droidboys bothered to look, or had functioning comprehension chips, or their entitlement settings hadn’t been infected by the WhineyDude virus.

kittehserf
8 years ago

Accentuated Idiocy, I like it!

katz
8 years ago
Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Yeah… well… it’s still a fish!

Reactionary Camel
Reactionary Camel
8 years ago

Hey! I just said that this tiny flying thing with six legs is a dragon and I just killed it. Therefore, I just killed a dragon. That’s how these things work, right? Words just mean or refer to what we say they mean, therefore anything we say is true? Am I doing this right?

I’m new here, so I’d appreciate any help in playing this game!

bekabot
8 years ago

1. Aw, geez, for the love of crimeny.

2. “As a project, JS38 is designed to overcome the problems which labels often generate – such problems as branding, false grouping, conflation, stereotypification, message degradation and the like.

Dude, you can’t have message degradation if you don’t have a message. You have to work on getting the message together first.

3. “We recognize that we are in a contest to sway hearts and minds…”

We recognize that this contest is played out on the field of public rhetoric…”

We value self-containment and aplomb in our spoken and written communications.…”*

I assume that by “we”, dude, you mean “you”?

4. “A spectre is haunting Europe” = Seneca.

We hold these truths to be self-evident” = Cicero.

JS38 is a coalition of politically conscious non-feminist groups and individuals. The name itself is a random character string which serves only as an identification tag.” = Moose egged on by Jughead or Jughead egged on by Moose, whichever; possibly aided by Snorlax.

serrana
serrana
8 years ago

If you Google JS38, you’ll find it’s a popular self-propelled mower from John Deere.

Today, in things that are more popular than MRA coalitions…

If your search thingie happens to be set to Amazon, you get a book about WWII aviation, a watch, and a Thai Chi sword.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
8 years ago

http://i-once-had-a-guy-tell-me.tumblr.com/

Fiddlestyx is pretty obviously one of those guys.

often_partisan
often_partisan
8 years ago

This guy is a mix between an inane bureaucrat (I mean, assigning a movement based on a random configuration of letters and numbers?!) and something out of Private Eye’s Pseuds Corner

bekabot
bekabot
8 years ago

* (oh, brother)

CassandraSays
8 years ago

Thus, if we declare that “feminism is x”, we are expecting proof that feminism is NOT x, and shall expect our concerns to be sensitively and respectfully addressed. …

This demand will definitely be met by everyone, and will absolutely not be met by bafflement or peals of laughter.

kittehserf
8 years ago

“We recognize that this contest is played out on the field of public rhetoric…”

I read that as pubic rhetoric.

Which is of course closely related to talking out of his arse.

often_partisan
often_partisan
8 years ago

Oh btw I actually real life lol’ed when I got to the first line of his manifesto after the US Declaration and Marx and Engels.

gelar
gelar
8 years ago

@katz: Fortunately, you used swearing, so that evidence is compromised by not being delivered sensitively enough.

Also, I can’t stop smiling.

Alice Sanguinaria
8 years ago

thebewilderness – Wow. Why are there so many assholes?

Λυνα
Λυνα
8 years ago

So I’m reading this thing, and it’s equal parts overly wordy gibberish and way too long. I mean, I’m a proprietor of purple prose, and even I think that manifesto is over the top.

CassandraSays
8 years ago

Assholes seem to be the world’s greatest renewable resource. Shame we can’t figure out a way to use their bloviating to generate electricity.

Alice Sanguinaria
8 years ago

CassandraSays – If we could, would that mean we’d have succeeded in making a perpetual motion machine?

moldybrehd
8 years ago

kittehs – Are you suggesting that Fidelbogen is a time traveling AI?

OMG, Fidelbogen is the Basilisk!?!?!? (cuz reading his posts is pretty tortuous… )

moldybrehd
8 years ago

*are tortuous, I fail at grammar today…

CassandraSays
8 years ago

Imagine the possibilities! Cheap, easy space travel – just stick a misogynist on a spaceship with a handful of women and watch him (and the ship) go. We could generate enough electricity for entire regions by depositing one virulent racist in a power plant staffed mostly by POC. Want to recharge your car battery before a road trip? Just take a homophobe to Pride.

Ally S
8 years ago

I read “JS38” and programming immediately came to mind because JS stands for JavaScript.

Maybe MRAs can name their collectives after programming jargon.

“JVM309” – Java Virtual Machine 309
“RG124” – RubyGems 124
“NPM7” – Node Package Manager 7

They’ve already reached rock bottom in regards to logic and argumentation. They might as well start using ridiculous coding-inspired names.

Λυνα
Λυνα
8 years ago

33. We affirm that misandry and misogyny are two aspects of an underlying unity, that they cannot be understood separately, and that they increase or decrease in direct proportion to each other.

So, are they saying that you’re either misogynist or misandrist and the only way to maintain a gender equality is to balance the two in equal proportions, or am I misunderstanding that?

Xen
Xen
8 years ago

“We assert the prerogative to define feminism in absolute terms in the light of our own study, regardless of feminist objection to such a proceeding. Simply put, feminism categorically IS what WE say it is”

No, it’s not.

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
8 years ago

The opening passage of timecube.com:

In 1884, meridian time personnel met
in Washington to change Earth time.
First words said was that only 1 day
could be used on Earth to not change
the 1 day bible. So they applied the 1
day and ignored the other 3 days.
The bible time was wrong then and it
proved wrong today. This a major lie
has so much evil feed from it’s wrong.
No man on Earth has no belly-button,
it proves every believer on Earth a liar.

It’s official: the timecube dude is more succinct than Fidelbogen.

Brooked
Brooked
8 years ago

He continues on in this fashion for approximately one million words (rough estimate).

I chuckled when I first read this, but after I clicked to Fidelbogen’s blog entry I realized it is a classic example of “it’s funny because it’s true”.

From the “Prime Constitution”,

The Prime Constitution follows. Points are listed in a numbered format, for ease of citation.

There are 40(!) points that are in no danger of ever being cited.

I’m trying to pick the best cartoon voice to imagine reading his endless drivel. A 1950s robot? Droopy Dog?

dlouwe
dlouwe
8 years ago

So, are they saying that you’re either misogynist or misandrist and the only way to maintain a gender equality is to balance the two in equal proportions, or am I misunderstanding that?

I think he’s trying to assert that misandry and misogyny are inseperable as part of sexism, and that more sexism means more of both in equal proportion.

Essentially trying to be able to say that “if there is misogyny, there must also be misandry, so if misandry isn’t a real thing then misogyny must not exist either”

dlouwe
dlouwe
8 years ago

I’m trying to pick the best cartoon voice to imagine reading his endless drivel. A 1950s robot? Droopy Dog?

Alan Rickman, as Snape. Hands down.

CassandraSays
8 years ago

It’s just so funny that he thinks that if he demands things in purple enough prose people will be forced to obey his commands. He reminds me of this, but without the indulgent parents to help him along.

Sorry, Fiddly, but it’s not cute when adults do it.

Brooked
Brooked
8 years ago

@Auva
That quote made my brain hurt so much that it refused to try to figure what it meant. My brain actually tapped out.

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