I think we’re a bit overdue for another open thread for personal stuff. As per usual, no trolls, no flames, no being a butthead.
I’ll paste in some recent personal comments from other threads.
Categories
Open Thread for Personal Stuff: November Rain Edition
@kitteh
A while ago, a few of my old friends and I were talking about sexuality, and I said something about my fear of being pressured into sex. And then at that moment I suffered from a major trigger and had an anxiety attack. Eventually I calmed down and managed to bury those memories so that they wouldn’t hurt me, and I was doing okay for a while.
But it seems that my triggers are still with me. Recently I’ve been constantly feeling vulnerable and weak just like I was when I was 12. I obsess these days over scenarios like someone luring me into an abusive relationship and then trapping me. It might be a trauma thing that I’m going through, but I’m not sure if that’s the right word. Maybe it’s my jerkbrain at it again. Or both. I’m not sure.
It does help to think about Kent (the abuser) being neither willing nor able to meet me again. But even though he (assuming he’s still alive) knows I’m an adult now, he probably still thinks I’m weak and fearful as I always have been. And it’s true. Many people think I’m adult-like because I use big words and talk about some intellectual stuff, but I’m still a kid maturity-wise. And the way loneliness impacts me these days is almost just like how it did when I was younger – only worse. Sorry if I’m going all over the place here but my mind has been a complete mess lately.
Fib – Nah, I don’t think he was thinking about the consequences when he said that. I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean it to hurt my feelings.
He was pissed off that someone’s kid was having a tantrum at the mall, presumed that said child has mental disabilities, and went on that line of thought about an hour later (outside said mall). This doesn’t make what he said any better, of course, but I think this was a case of not thinking.
Now, him watching Big Bang Theory or Two and a Half Men, that’s just done to annoy me because he knows that I hate those shows. I told him that the creator of both those shows thinks that we need less women on TV and that the dude’s a misogynistic asshole, he said “good, don’t care”.
Nothing to apologise for, Ally, you’ve a lot of awful history for jerkbrain to feed on. 🙁
I’ll say this much – however weak and vulnerable you feel emotionally (totally understandable, though it still shows your strength in that you are functioning!) you aren’t physically. You’re an adult, and – shit, please pardon me if this is stepping over the line, but – yes, you’re a woman, but you have the upper body strength of a nineteen-year-old man. In that respect, you are not a vulnerable child.
Alice – sounds like your brother needs a metaphorical kick in the backside. What’s he gain from being a shithead? Oh, so he’s uber-tough cool guy. Big fucking deal, another obnoxious teenager, like anyone’s impressed by yet another display like that. He’s just doing his own version of the kid acting up at the mall. Does that make him fit to be killed? No, didn’t think he’d think it would.
I wasn’t offended by that, especially since I know you meant well, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t say such things For obvious reasons, I’m sensitive to comparisons like that. No need to apologize, but I just wanted to let you know.
Anyway, my upper-body strength is very weak, but my lower-body strength is strong. I’m able to run fast. In fact, I can run faster than every family member I know. So I can at least run away from people who are trying to hurt me. I have done karate and TDK before, but I never got past yellow belt, which is a very low rank as you may know. All I know are moves for escaping dangerous people, which are certainly helpful, but it hurts to be laughed at because people think those moves are “girly.”
A good kick to the shins isn’t all that girly, and damn does that hurt! In any case, best way to win a fight is to not get into one in the first place, which makes getting the fuck out of the situation a great plan (I approve of Doctor Who’s RUN! approach to danger)
In any case, you are definitely a (mentally and emotionally) strong young woman, but it’s okay to be scared too, it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. *adds a cat in a fez for the barrel of hugs*
Ally, not that it helps right this minute, but once you get out of your father’s house, I think you’ll find you have a lot more emotional space to deal with other triggers. I suspect that most of your emotional reserves are all tied up just getting through another day. It WILL get better. If you’re like me, you’ll probably go through a few weeks or months of being constantly on guard, waiting for your father or someone to attack you for being in the wrong place at the wrong time (doing the wrong thing), but eventually you’ll relax into your new space and have the resources to deal with the rest of the crap your jerk brain is throwing at you. I think you’re simply over-loaded with crap right now.
Anything you can label “deal with later” and psychically set aside for now, I would do.
@Unimaginative
That’s how I predict things will go as well. I’m worried about having major anxiety problems once I’m at katz’ place, but hopefully they’ll be much easier to deal with due to not being anywhere near my dad or his siblings.
And I definitely am overloaded. I wish I knew how to stop feeling that I’m obligated to solve every single problem in my life right away without any exceptions – it’s eating me from the inside. Fortunately I haven’t had any anxiety attacks in a while. But I’m still almost completely unable to relax most of the time. My step-dad once told me that even my physical presence is “anxious” for lack of a better term.
Ally, take care of what you can take care of, and recognize that’s not everything. And that’s okay. You’ll take care of that stuff when you can. Hugs if they’re wanted.
Ally, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had anxiety issues at my place. You have a lot going on and a lot of shit to deal with, past and present. So you may have a panic attack or bad anxiety, and that’s OK, I think. I won’t expect you to be super cheerful all the time and I won’t think that you’re ungrateful or that you don’t like me or anything. And then you will have a chance to start unpacking it all and we can get you plugged into whatever resources would be helpful and, hopefully, things can start to improve.
In the meantime, here is a sleeping baby.
Ally, my apologies for that. Should’ve listened to my “better left unsaid” inner voice.
Bet your’e stronger’n me in upper or lower body, though! Not to mention your inner strength, which as everyone’s noted, you do have, despite not feeling at all strong.
Aw that wittle nose! Thank you, I needed a sleeping baby and wittle nose and aww those fingers and IT’S A BABY!
Can you handle the fingers? CAN YOU???
(She is my niece.)
Chubby little baby fingers! Itty bitty nails!
No, I cannot handle the fingers, there’re just too cute for me! She’s adorable, you’re going to spoil her rotten once she’s bigger right? How old is that little cutie?
Thanks guys. And I realize that I keep venting about the same old things that make me anxious – I’m sorry if that’s obnoxious to anyone here. I feel I vent about certain things like a broken record. X_X Anxiety plus garrulousness can make me irritating to a lot of people I know. I know family members who often tell me to “shut up” or “calm down” whenever I simply say that I’m anxious and not feeling well.
Vent all you want, Ally_S, that’s what the open thread is for.
She’s 4 months old and I will naturally be spoiling her to the full extent of my abilities 🙂
Ally, I am pretty sure that a relative who tells you to shut up when you are talking about your feelings is just not a very nice person and their opinion doesn’t count for very much.
Vent on, Ally! I’ve found it helps to vent about things I feel I can’t do anything about. Coping mechanism for the win!
Plus, way to get info or ideas you might not have known about or had! Trying to keep everything bottled up doesn’t help; it makes everything look much worse than it is, and getting any clearer ideas of priorities or perspective back from jerkbrain’s clutches is hard enough with help, let alone without.
Katz is gonna be he fun aunt that spoils you, the best kind!
Ally — *points to thread title* plus plenty of us here have anxiety issues, nobody’s gonna tell you to just calm down, like that were possible!
Oh fuck. Michael Schumacher’s had a skiing accident and is in a critical condition with head injuries, and in a coma.
Also one of my two remaining aunts died (aged ninety something) on Friday night.
I know which is distressing me more. I keep thinking of Natasha Richardson’s passing.
We saw Big Freedia last night and if you have the opportunity to go to a bounce show, TAKE IT. I am sore from all the dancing.
My skittles vodka is a glorious success! So is my vodka gummy bears. My energy drink vodka blue berry juice mix is also a success, albeit one that I’m unable to show you because I drank it all.
Glory all around.
[content note – more ableism]
Today I learned that if it’s a popular sitcom and my brother likes it, I should shut up and let him laugh about how autism is so funny.
I tried to tell him today that the way Sheldon is portrayed in Big Bang Theory is offensive and mocks me personally by making my disabilities a joke. He basically said I should go fuck myself.
I really hate myself.
Fucking Big Bang Theory. It may actually be the worst TV show ever made.
Alice, you’re one of my favorite commentators here, and you don’t deserve that ableist bullshit (because no one does). Hugs if you want them.