I think we’re a bit overdue for another open thread for personal stuff. As per usual, no trolls, no flames, no being a butthead.
I’ll paste in some recent personal comments from other threads.
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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: November Rain Edition
Hugs if you’d like them, emilygoddess. Fingers crossed you can switch departments asap.
I think your co-workers should be more embarrassed than you. They’re the ones too immature to discuss any issues they have with your work with you face-to-face. Illegitimi non carborundum.
Seconding titianblue, with extra hugs, emilygoddess.
I’m so sorry, emilygoddess. :< I hope everything goes well for you.
Here’s an email* from my mom in response to me confirming what she thought about my escape plans:
My mom is so awesome that I don’t even care about the fact that she writes like some MRAs I’ve argued with.
And in case it’s not clear, I don’t believe in the effectiveness of that pendulum thing she mentioned, but I used it anyway because I knew that would make her feel better. Knowing her, though, she would be okay with me going even if she didn’t use a dowsing pendulum to determine whether katz is trustworthy.
*don’t worry – she doesn’t mind me sharing this stuff with other people
emilygoddess, I’m so sorry that your coworkers are being jerks. I’ve been in a similar situation before and my advice is to go in and force yourself, as best as you are able, to be super polite and cordial to people in direct proportion to how much they seem not to like you (yep, I know how hard it is). Maybe imagine them doing the postman’s walk through a hall filled with broken legos (for extra sharp pointy bits) if that helps you to smile in their faces?
All the hugs!
I’m so sorry to hear that, emilygoddess. Best wishes on the transfer.
*crosses fingers for emilygoddess to get that transfer*
I’m waiting for water to boil, so I’m gonna put my union steward hat on for a bit and make a few suggestions for emilygoddess to consider:
* Sometimes an employer will back off for a bit if they can see that (a) you are actively trying to leave and (b) making an effort to address all of their concerns while still there. If you’re comfortable telling your supervisor that you are looking to transfer out, you might try that (if you haven’t already). Only you know the lay of the land, though.
* It’s best to leave under your own terms if possible, so again, if you’re comfortable with that, and if firing seems imminent, you might consider resigning. This allows you to honestly tell future employers that you left under your own steam, and in some states in the US it will allow you to collect unemployment. Depending on your relationship with the boss, you could even offer to resign in exchange for a neutral or better reference.
If you’re in a union workplace, talk to a union steward. You don’t have to do anything, but it might give you more options.
And finally, if you mainly just want to vent, ignore all the above and accept my hugs if they’re wanted and my best wishes on a speedy transfer to a better fitting job.
I’m sorry, emilygoddess. I hope things get better for you very soon.
auggz – it was this portrait.
No matter what other paintings I’ve seen before or since, this is the most beautiful I’ll ever see. I saw it in 1989 on our first visit and just stood and cried, because it was the first time I’d been face-to-face with his portrait, and that came after an extremely frustrating tour when he seemed further away than ever (this was long before we were in contact).
html, how I love thee
Oh wow, my little sisters just told me that my dad doesn’t cuddle with them because he guilt-trips them with sayings like “If you cuddle with me, you’ll catch a disease [because I’m such a horrible father].” He does that to guilt-trip them into never thinking anything bad about his personality. To sound like he’s humble.
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM V_V
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM V_V
That’s something only a good therapist can answer.
If being a shit-brained scumbag was a communicable disease, then yeah, he would pass it on, ‘cos he’s got it bad.
Oh god, he just got into another yelling argument with my older brother – this time about why mothers aren’t supposed to work if their husbands are capable of supporting them (my dad was the one making that argument, to no one’s surprise). My dad almost did a full-on verbal attack against my brother. So much hatred, so much anger…I almost feel like breaking down. Fuck this house. =[
Don’t worry, Ally. You’ll be out soon and then you’ll never have to hear his voice or see his face again.
Hugs, Ally, if they’re wanted. He is so toxic.
A Fantasy:
Parental Unit: rant rant scream gaslight I am such a horrible father bullshit bullshit
Other Family Member [glancing up from book]: Yes, Dad, I know you’re a horrible father. [returns to book]
[Parental Unit either swallows tongue, implodes, or goes up in smoke, depending on special effects budget]
My dad is already abusive towards my little sisters. My heart is aching for them because I know that there’s almost nothing I can do to help them. He is emotionally, verbally, and sometimes even physically abusive towards them. If I told you folks what he has done to them, all of you will be even more infuriated at him – and I know that you guys already hate him.
I have tried so hard to help my little sisters by intervening, but every single time I try to help them I either run into the possibility of my dad finding out that I’m helping them or face threats of violence from him.
I can’t call the CPS on him, either, because if I do that he’ll find out it was me who called and then do things to me that I don’t want to think about. And even if he finds out that it’s not me, he’ll be looking for the one who called the CPS on him, and he’ll likely be threatening or even violent. At the very least, psychologically abusive towards anyone who stands in his way. I want to call the CPS on him once I’m with katz, but I don’t even know if that is possible unless I can remain completely anonymous. If all else fails, I’ll ask my older siblings to frequently check up on my little sisters – and try their best to get them out of that abusive household or at least shield them from my dad’s abusive behavior.
There’s so much I have to do. I feel completely overwhelmed.
Ally, when you’re with katz can you call the CPS and ask their advice, without giving any information? I don’t know how the organisation works, obviously, but they must surely be used to dealing with people who are themselves at risk.
Seriously, your father needs to be sectioned. He’s a menace.
I’ll see what I can do, kitteh. If I have to, I’ll come back here myself to check up on my little sisters and do whatever I can to help them out.
Ally — tell your psych about his abuse of your sisters. Psychs are mandated reporters, they have to report that there may be a minor in danger and your confidentiality is protected. I know that means waiting until you have a psych and such, but they’re required to notify CPS. (It’s one of three times they’re allowed to say anything to anyone about what you say in session, the other two being if you’re a threat to yourself or others)
And seriously, he needs to step on ALL THE. CACTĪ.
Ally, you need to get away from him, and you can’t go back there once you’re out, or getting any therapy for transitioning. You need to be safe, and going back there won’t help them, it’ll just put you in more danger. Your siblilngs need to damnwell step up on this!
kitteh, you’re probably right – I just feel horrible and I would do almost anything to even hug and console them after being hurt, abused, etc. But for personal safety reasons I’ll probably still have to keep myself at a distance.
[Content note: child abuse]
Most of what he does to them is emotional abuse. For instance, he often berates their mother, telling them how selfish, horrible, etc. she is for wanting to have a job. Basically, my dad fights with my step-mom a lot, and instead of dealing it with her and her alone, he talks about that with his 9-year-old and 8-year-old daughters. In other words, he messes with their minds by forcing them to think about a situation that only adults should have to deal with. On top of that, he manipulates my little sisters into having sympathy for him by berating himself, like saying “I’m a horrible, disgusting father. No one likes me.” And I understand that self-hatred is a thing and many parents can have it – but he does it as a matter of manipulation. And I’m sure many non-abusive parents with self-hatred can express their self-hatred without using it to manipulate their kids.
It’s the same thing he did to me when I was 15-17. He constantly insulted my mom and talked about how she’s dirty, indecent, evil, disgusting, etc. for divorcing him and wanting to have a child out of wedlock with her boyfriend. Whenever I went on long car rides with him, he would always say things like “Your mother never cared about you; she preferred to sleep around with other guys” and “She is dirty; I won’t let you step in her house or even hug her until she renounces her un-Islamic lifestyle.” (Of course, I disobeyed him without reservation.) Those words hurt me so much that I’m terrified by even the thought of reminding him of her in any way. Most of the time I’m scared of even calling her while I’m in this house. And I have to hide all of the gifts my mom gives me because he might get upset if he sees them. I felt so horrible after I heard him insult her for hours and then receive a call from her, in her usual calm and pleasant voice, asking how I’m doing and something random like some food she wants me to try.
Thanks to all for the hugs and advice. I have been doing the “kill ’em with kindness” thing, especially with a particular coworker, and it’s not helping the relationship but it does help my attitude.
Cloudiah, your advice is pretty much what my partner suggested, which makes me feel very good about it. Once upon a time there was a union at the hospital, but not any more, much to my dismay. On the plus side, HR made my manager downgrade one of my previous warnings, which tells me they’re on my side (and he’s a tad gung-ho).
At this point, I feel like I’m getting official warnings for every mistake, and I’m not a fan.