I think we’re a bit overdue for another open thread for personal stuff. As per usual, no trolls, no flames, no being a butthead.
I’ll paste in some recent personal comments from other threads.
Categories
Open Thread for Personal Stuff: November Rain Edition
titianblue, sorry for your loss.
Ally, congrats on going to LA!
@Auggziliary: That’s horrible… I feel so sorry for all neglected pets. Two of my dogs like to hang out in the yard and sometimes do so on their own for hours, but we have this fence to keep them in: http://dpossen.blogspot.se/2013/10/stangsel.html
Good god, he needs to be dumped RIGHT NOW.
Preferably in landfill.
He’s well on the way to being an abuser.
No, scratch that: it may not be physical but he is abusing her.
Does she ever ask you about it, or talk about him?
This sounds like a situation worth asking Captain Awkward about.
That guy is a douchebag. Eww.
auggz, if you’re able to do so, I think the best thing to do is to try to spend more time with her and talk to her about stuff going on in her life. Like, you don’t even have to bring up her boyfriend – just check up on her and see how she’s doing. If you already do that, then forget what I said, but that’s one way to get around the problem. Perhaps eventually she will see you as a person she can talk to about her abuse.
Okay, so we didn’t end up in Vermont, on account of critical phone failure. (Seriously, what kind of hotel doesn’t even have an answering machine? I had to call four times just to get to someone, only to be told they’d call me back, which they never did.) Luckily, a friend swooped out of the sky and so we’re staying, safe and warm, in their spare bedroom. HALLELUJAH!
Plus my disability bennies got raised, which is really good, since moving from MA to OH is an ass and a fucking half. I’m trying to find a way to get it done for under $500, but it’s looking like we’re gonna be SOL on that front.
I find it bitterly amusing that I’m supposed to not own over $2000 at any given time, am leaving this state due to lack of moneyz, and yet even the fucking MOVE is costing me a boodle.
RE: Kittehs
We’re planning to go to Chicago by train. I don’t know how long the overall trip will be, but we’d be a week at most in Chicago.
Oy, Kittehs! Chicago will be a bus ride away from my new home in Ohio. Maybe we could meet up! I’ll even endure Chicago for you.
RE: Ally
Good luck on your escape! You can do it! I have faith and belief! Run, fly free, and don’t be alarmed if you feel the urge to return. That’s pretty usual, and it’s okay to feel that.
Thanks, Rogan! :>
[Content note: sexual abuse, sexual harassment, rape, boundary issues]
Today I realized that I was sexually abused (if that term doesn’t apply, feel free to correct me) by my sister’s abusive ex-boyfriend* when I was 12. He used to sexually harass me by “joking” about me trying to have sex with a girl my age, and to add to the “humor” he imitated me making various sexual sounds while having sex. Every time he came over to our house (where my mom, my older siblings and I were living at the time – my dad was overseas) I felt like he was about to violate my boundaries, and he did. I remember him laughing at me when I saw that I was showing visible signs of discomfort and anxiety. There were times when I felt like he was willing to make his female friends rape me for his own amusement. He wanted me to become a “real man.”
I feel so triggered and frightened right now. And even though I know this feeling is wrong, I feel so filthy ashamed of myself. I’m trying to shake off the feelings but it’s hard. Every 5 minutes or so I find myself trying to hold back tears. My trigger went off when I was thinking about my fear of being pressured into sexual activity because it reminded me of those childhood memories of sexual harassment.
*Note that my sister was always horrified by his treatment of me, and she did her best to shield me from his harassment and bullying whenever she was around him.
Ally, it was definitely abuse, and a kind of sexual terrorism. Why are people so terrible, sometimes? Abusers count on those feelings of shame, and even manipulate people to make sure they feel them. It’s good that you’re able to step back and know they’re wrong, even if you can’t prevent yourself from feeling them. Hugs if you want them.
🙁 for Ally. Empathy and no-touch hugs.
Ally, that sucks. I hope you don’t mind me saying that I think it’s good that you’ve remembered this? Because it means that you can work through it at some point, instead of having anxiety that you don’t know the origin of. And you’re so strong, I know you can work through it. Also, I hope you’re not being hard on yourself for feeling ashamed. Feelings just happen sometimes. I deeply believe that there are no right or wrong feelings, only right or wrong actions.
🙁 I’m sorry Ally. *hugs*
Thanks everyone. *hugs back*
I’m pretty sure I’ve had these memories before, but I recalled them more clearly this time and they were highly triggering. And on top of that I recognized it as sexual abuse, which only fueled my anxiety attack. My heart was beating very fast at one point and my body was visibly shaking at times. I don’t know if it’s some kind of mild form of PTSD (pardon me for my lackluster knowledge of psychology) I’ve experienced, but it seems to be something serious.
Oh, and when Dub was being an asshole to me, I almost started bawling. They were just words on a screen but they were very upsetting.
Sorry, scratch that part where I said “just words.” There’s no need to minimize it, and I know other people were hurt by his words as well, so they weren’t just words.
Lots of long-distance hugs, Ally, and seconding what serrana said – you’ve identified this, you know the origin, and that will make it easier to work on when you get therapy.
It’s no surprise you feel guilty and dirty and shamed – that’s part of what sexual abuse does, whether it’s mental abuse or physical. Adults who know, KNOW, it wasn’t their fault still feel that shame and taint; how could you not, when you were only a child at the time?
It’s hard to step back from fear and stress and panic. I know that, having had it on a much milder level, with no abuse behind it. so I can’t imagine how much harder it is for you.
BUT one day you’ll get to the point where you can think, even when it’s bad, “This is a feeling I’m having. It’s a response to X. I know X isn’t happening now and hasn’t for a long time. I know I’m not in danger. But my body hasn’t caught up with the fact yet, because that’s what the sympathetic nervous system is like. I feel like total SHIT right now, but it will pass.
That’s the essence of the cognitive behavioural therapy I did for the better part of a year, and it does help. I hope you get a therapist as kind as mine, and good antidepressants if you need them, and get through this. I think you will. You’ve had more shit than anyone should have to deal with, but you’re one fine, smart, strong young woman, even if you don’t feel like it at all now!
That sounds just like the only full-on panic attack I’ve had, Ally. I had no idea what was wrong and I was still rocking hours later, after the worst of it was over.
Much support and affection
I’m sorry for your loss, titianblue.
And I’m sorry you’re struggling right now, Ally S. I just want to second the excellent advice you’ve already been given.
Is it all right if I bitch and moan a little?
I think I mentioned here before about this therapy program I’m hoping to get into that requires 5 days sober before you can start. Today was day 3 of sobriety for me. So far it kind of sucks. I haven’t experienced anything physical except for a little nausea that may just be nerves, but emotionally all this stuff I’ve been trying to avoid is coming on all at once.
I’m posting here because I really feel like I’m dealing with this shit alone. I had a friend over tonight and was hoping to talk to her, but she has a lot of her own drama going on right now. I only have one other close friend, and he’s in the middle of a break-up, so I’d feel like an asshole spilling my guts to him. Going to meetings helps, but it’s still hard at times like now, when it’s almost 1 AM and there are no meetings.
I feel lonely and fucked up, and apparently I need to announce that to the world. Thanks for letting me vent.
[Content note: rape, violence, verbal abuse, fat-shaming, domestic abuse]
Also, you know my sister’s ex? He was also a statutory rapist; he was 28 and she was 16. And he threatened to beat my older brother to death with a video game console. One time he even coerced me into wrestling with a kid 4 years younger than me (also when I was 12). I didn’t want to fight that kid, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone – but my sister’s ex just taunted me and verbally abused me in order to manipulate me. His verbal abuse consisted of shaming me for being slightly fat, saying that I had to prove I wasn’t a “sissy.” I ended up not wrestling, and instead I lightly pushed the kid to the floor (without any injuries) so that he could stay on the ground long enough for the count to go off. Even that made me feel horrible.
Ugh, I don’t know why there’s such a widespread history of abuse that has happened to this family. Now I’m remembering when one of my mom’s ex-boyfriends nearly strangled her to death because she was speaking out against his unethical business practices. I rarely mention that man’s name without mentioning a string of random swear words beforehand.
I hate those two people so much that I hate both of them more than my dad. And you folks know how much I hate my dad.
toujoursguy – Internet hugs to you too. *hug*
I’m so behind on Latin right now. Stupid tests. /small-insignificant-problem
Latin tests made me break into strings of swears and very slow attempts to parse what I was reading by reading it out loud. I hope you’ve got the Oxford book and not Wheelock’s!
toujoursgai — w00t for 3 days clean! You’re more than halfway to qualifying for that rehab program, and your post was over an hour ago, so one less hour to go. Vent all you want, hell, create an unpublished post on FemBorg and type gibberish if it will help. Or write a post if you want, we did already establish that mental health related things fit the monthly theme (no pressure, I’m just brainstorming things to keep your mind off all the emotional stuff) — my usual “I am potentially a danger to myself” solution is to curl up in bed with some sort of electronic — I’m allowed to do whatever said device can do, but not to get up except to deal with things like peeing, cuz beds are kinda hard to hurt yourself in.
Ally — that’s terrible and I’m so sorry.
I’m three days behind, and I decided that I’m not going to finish it tonight; not feeling that great either.