Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.
I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.
Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.
Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:
do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow
Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.
Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:
funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick
Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:
signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies
That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.
There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:
hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina
But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:
shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is
Of course the actual lyrics are:
She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went
And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”
But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:
what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean
I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.
It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.
Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?
i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall
i find beta males attractive
I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.
i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist
This one kind of breaks my heart:
there has to be something about me that men dislike
Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!
I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.
how did the amazing atheist become so popular
why would a man hate a women for no reason
But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:
photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons
Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”
I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it blows.
(Sorry, had to.)
I have a similar attraction for furry pets. I’m allergic.
@melody
Are those documentaries part of a series? Mind sharing the names of the docos? Or a link to them somewhere. I love documentaries, and I am fascin-orrified by serial killers, but it’s hard for me to find good ones because of the way I consume media. Plus so many docos are really terrible, which puts me off even trying without recommendations.
I think cats do that on purpose, just to be assholes. My old cat used to always jump on people who I disliked who were allergic to or scared of cats.
I offer a Big, Buff, Black fellow for that one searchers happiness
http://m.jacarandafm.com/media/uploads/2013/08/29/shemar_moore_22.jpg
There are few problems application of Shemar Moore can’t solve
I’ve read that cats home in on people who don’t like them because those people are the ones sitting still and trying not to get the cats’ attention, whereas the people who do like them are giving the cats the heebiejeebies by making a fuss.
I prefer the “cats are arseholes” theory, though.
“I’m morbidly fascinated by “handjob in barbershop”.”
Well, I need recommendations for actors to star in my new idea for a porno.
Question is, what should be the title? Obviously, if it’s a MM pairing, it should be “Shave and a Haircut, Two Dicks”, but if I can only get heteros? Or gay women?
People always try to give me their infants to hold, despite my protestations. Why? Why are you trusting me with this tiny human’s life? You don’t understand, I have no idea what I’m doing. Sometimes I walk directly into walls, okay?
I walked into a train compartment door once, in Europe.
In my defense, I had just spent all day riding over the Alps and the glass door had no frame or any frosting.
Made a sound like the biggest bird to ever hit a window.
Toddlers are easy. Talk to them like they’re normal people. Tell them your name, and ask for theirs. If they don’t get shy, ask if they know any good games. Be prepared to do something repetitive that makes you feel ridiculous.
When they get whiny or too hopped-up with energy, time to hand them back to their parents!
Oh, toddlers I love. It’s babies who I don’t know what to do with. Doesn’t talk, can’t really move around much – where’s the fun in that?
From my experience, just holding them and looking at how tiny they are is kind of mind-blowing.
If it’s not 2 a.m. and the other twin is howling for their own bottle.
At this point, they’ve started moving around a bit and it’s going to get a lot more interesting. Also, I think the sheer number of hours spent taking care of them is going to go down soon.
It’s silly — my babies aren’t actually developed enough to really put together cause and effect. So the result is, as one is playing with a doll or a rattle, they’ll hold it out at arm’s length (my boy likes to do this, and turn his plaything around, with a look of deep concentration on his face) and the other one reaches out and snatches it away. Then the first one gets confused because they don’t know where their thing went. Usually we can redirect with another toy before it gets to the screaming-tantrum phase.
I have spent a fair portion of the last seven months being sat on, and my arthritic knee has registered several complaints.
And when my right foot goes numb and feels fat, I know it’s time to find something else to do with the baby.
Maybe she was a little younger than a toddler? It was post-walking but pre-talking stage.
I did wind up just awkwardly saying “Hi,”. I think she stared at me, but it was a gazillion years ago (okay, 1) so I can’t remember exactly.
Now she can talk some, though.
@Falconer
Sympathies on your arthritic knee.
For auggz.
It’s okay, hand ’em back when they’re cranky or stinky or squishy.
@Fade: Thank you! It doesn’t hurt most of the time, but it doesn’t like stairs that much.
Where that link was supposed to go — http://imgur.com/a/QToqN#0
🙂 I iz magic!
I borked the link.
I borked the link.
I borked the link.
UNPOSSIBLE
LEMONGRAB RRRRAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEGGGG!!
How do you do this? I’d like to try this with my own site.
Go to your dashboard and it’s on the Site Stats page.
Decent first search term effort. Try incorporating horses into a post somehow. Or donkeys, pigs. Any animal really. It will bear fruit.
Already done, mr. tacos:
http://manboobz.com/2012/12/10/the-mens-rights-movement-much-less-popular-than-horse-porn/
What I’m more curious about is which articles these searches linked to?
My first major block quotes fail!
The blockquote monster spares no one. NO ONE.