Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.
I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.
Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.
Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:
do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow
Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.
Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:
funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick
Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:
signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies
That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.
There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:
hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina
But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:
shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is
Of course the actual lyrics are:
She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went
And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”
But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:
what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean
I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.
It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.
Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?
i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall
i find beta males attractive
I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.
i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist
This one kind of breaks my heart:
there has to be something about me that men dislike
Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!
I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.
how did the amazing atheist become so popular
why would a man hate a women for no reason
But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:
photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons
Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”
I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!
I’m stuck on the search for “how to make my penis glow”.
I mean, dude, if you have to ask….
Does a glowing penis show through pantaloons, though?
…
auggz, from the tram this morning I saw a poster of glowing paper lanterns. I shall see it again tomorrow AND NOW IT IS BRANDED AS GLOWING PANTALOONS IN MY MIND FOREVER.
Falconer said:
“And re: the radium girls — I heard that some workers who were painting radium on watch hands were asked/required to shape their brushes full of radium to a nice point by rolling them or squeezing them with their lips.
And then there’s the Girls With Yellow Hands, who worked in munitions factories in the UK during WWI and had a serious risk of getting blowed up. No telling what being up to your elbows in explosive filler long enough to stain your skin yellow will do in the long run.”
I heard my father tell both stories when I was younger. Even talking about them made him furious ( he’s was a nuclear chemist worried about the health and safety issues of working with radioactive materials) and he and his colligues tried hard to educate companies of the dangers and what kind of protective gear was needed to be able to do it safely. The execs nodded, promised to implement the measures and then totally ignored them. They knew what was happening and knew what to do about it but they didn’t because it was too expensive. It wasn’t until the lawsuits started rolling in and they started being reported in the press that anything happened.
Also, the number of times the concept and number of a Pube Terror sequel synched up between two movies is kind of terrifying.
And if anyone wants to mainline my babies, I have added a Babies! album to my imgur.
Falconer – It’s the
ManboobzHollywood Hivemind at work again!Okay, I’ll try
And if it doesn’t work; this: http://www.damninteresting.com/undark-and-the-radium-girls/
It’s a long and sordid story. The company hired a fake doctor and submitted a fraudulent report to the Labor Department to try to avoid responsibility.
Falconer: Cute babies! Are they twins?
@Seranvali: I heard a tale about a couple of nuclear physicists who were trying to alert management to a problem with repeated exposure in their plant (I wanna say it was here in Oak Ridge, but I may be wrong). Plant policy was to turn in film badges every so often, so what these physicists did was lay their badges on something that would definitely register a humongous exposure, like the reactor head or a barrel of waste or something, and then turned those badges in.
Not a peep.
I was pleased to see the film badge concept appear in an episode of Battlestar Galactica. That episode was so tense and heartbreaking that it made a lasting impression on me.
@Falconer
You’re babies are so adorable.
And on a semi-related note, I got to see my three year old stepsister today. She is also adorable.
In fact, little kids who you know and like* are often just plain adorable.
*adding this b/c when I just met her I was freaked out. I had no clue how to interact with a toddler
I definitely remember that Dave wrote an OP about someone’s how-to instructions for manipulating homeless women into sex. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re talking about as well, or if it’s two completely separate examples of the same terrible thing.
It’s pretty disturbing that most of these search terms had me thinking “wait… what?” but I had no trouble figuring out how searching for blow jobs from homeless women would bring someone here.
You bet your sweet ass they are. Seven months and five days.
She’s crawling, and he’s got two teeth.
You new here? Got your Welcome Package yet?
http://artistryforfeminismandkittens.wordpress.com/the-official-man-boobz-complimentary-welcome-package/
Buttercup – I remember when Gabby Douglas won at the Olympics, and some wastes of carbon went online with variations on ‘how could her mother let her go on television with her hair looking like that?’ My comment at the time was ‘how nice to know that there are people I can despise with a clear conscience’.
I’ve just overdosed on the massive cuteness in Falconer’s imgur album. I’m gonna try to revive myself with adrenaline.
Wastes of carbon, I like it!
<3 Babies <3 They just tug at my heartstrings with their little hands and their surprisingly strong grasp reflex.
@Robert: I remember that. Gabby Douglas is beautiful and wonderful and hair politics suck zombie ass.
@cloudiah: I’ll get the red magic marker.
@Viscaria: I often have to keep my collar pulled up high or tiny exploring hands will experiment with twisting daddy’s chest hair. I don’t have long hair or earrings, but chest hair hurts like anything when pulled.
Also, once upon a time there was a precious little angel who gave Daddy a nurple.
Falconer, I’m pretty new but yes, thank you, I have received a welcome package. Aah, she crawling; he won’t be far behind then! It’s a whole different ballgame once they’re mobile (I have a two year old; so, yeah…).
Argenti: Thank you! It worked !
Falconer:
Yes, some of the plants did have problems with leaks and frankly, I’m astonished that the staff weren’t properly monitored. It’s so dangerous to them and any children they have. Dad was exposed long before my sister and I were born and blames his exposure to the cancers we both suffer.
The US and Britain banned the use of radioactive paint fairly early but other countries were using it until the seventies. We could tell when he’d been lobbying because he’d come home all growly and that was very unusual because he’s a very gentle, even-tempered man and it took a lot to get him angry. He still gets annoyed when companies don’t provide protective clothing or don’t enforse the wearing of it.
Those badges are literally life-savers. Dad used to come home still wearing his and I remember as a ten year old asking him what it was and him trying to explain in terms I could understand.
Babies always seem to want me to pick them up, which is funny since I really don’t know what to do with them. Toddlers too. Any party with a kid present, I always end up being the one whose lap they’re sitting in.
Is there something he didn’t tell you? XD
Reminds me of that sketch where the three babies (John Cleese and Tim Brooke-Taylor were two of them) scare off the vicar by saying “Daddeee … Daddeee …”
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Rudolph, the red-dicked reindeer, had a very shiny hose…
Here is how you put makeup on Darth Vader.