Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.
I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.
Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.
Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:
do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow
Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.
Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:
funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick
Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:
signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies
That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.
There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:
hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina
But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:
shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is
Of course the actual lyrics are:
She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went
And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”
But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:
what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean
I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.
It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.
Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?
i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall
i find beta males attractive
I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.
i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist
This one kind of breaks my heart:
there has to be something about me that men dislike
Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!
I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.
how did the amazing atheist become so popular
why would a man hate a women for no reason
But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:
photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons
Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”
I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!
That homeless girl one bothers me quite a bit…
On a lighter note, does that third picture say “FUCK” at the top?
And I also just noticed in the sixth drawing, in the bottom right corner… one of the things women can do in their pantaloons is attend funerals!
Just gone back to read the Pube Terror post, cloudiah, and am embarrassing myself chortling at my desk. Ah, that was a great post. Only thing Doggone the Boring has contributed to
golden retrieverhuman culture evah.@jayem
Sweet, then I am probably not forgetting you 😛 You can still have a (very belated) welcome from me, though, if you want.
…
And here it is —–> (optional) Welcome 😀
Marie – skirts or shorts, our Olympic teams (I don’t watch sport either, but this sort of thing gets onto the news) for stuff like basketball are always loose and comfortable for the men, and skin tight, cut away and revealing for the women. It’s so blatantly sexist your eyes could roll out of their sockets.
baileyrenee – no, it’s Puck. I can’t recall if it’s the artist or the magazine, but I’ve seen it lots of times.
Kitteh- it’s the name of the magazine. Popular humor magazine of the late Victorian era, often satirized contemporary popular culture.
@kittehs
Meh :/ Agree on the sexism thing (obvs) but I’d still prefer those over pantaloons (which is on topic, right?) But I love short skirts, so it’s an easy choice for me. XD
^prefer for me. Not for everyone. Should’ve clarified.
RE: David
LBT, I think all the sporty pantaloon gals holding balls are all basketball players.
Sweet, thanks!
RE: Alice
The volleyball and track uniforms are so skimpy.
Our dad and brother are actually really into playing sand volleyball, and uh, actually, a lot of people wear those uniforms because it’s really fucking hot outside. I saw plenty of guys wearing nothing but tight swimsuits while playing. Unless the Olympics have different requirements?
Cloudiah, thank you for the Pube Terror link. I had completely missed that. As a gay man who (TMI alert) has never shaved or trimmed anything south of my clavicle except for hernia surgery, I quite enjoyed it.
@LBT
I wasn’t trying to be judgmental. Sorry. I just meant that I would not feel comfortable showing that much of my body. But I have body image issues.
Ugh ugh ugh. Fucking hell. I remember the conversation we had about that and the guy was so adamant that he’s giving the homeless girl something so he deserves something in return and it’s obviously consensual because if she didn’t want to she could just reject his offer.
@kittehserf
Ah, okay! Well it looks like fuck.
@katz
For fuck’s sake, that’s awful.
I’m morbidly fascinated by “handjob in barbershop”.
Also, Darth Vader could use a little rouge to define his cheekbones and add color. Black drains the complexion.
Robert – thanks!
That Pube Terror was the most hilarious thread, I swear.
Marie, LBT – it’s the Olympic uniforms I’m talking about, where the teams don’t get to choose the designs, and for godknowshowlong here, the men’s have been designed to be loose and practical (baggy shorts and tops, not revealing) where the women’s are, as I said, skin-tight and basically tits-and-arse-for-the-male-gaze. I’m not bothered by what individual people like wearing to play sport; it’s the blatant sexism that comes up every fucking time the Olympics are on that pisses me off.
A bit late, but I’ve been googling radium girls (warning: has picture of a nasty tumur). T
*crosses fingers, hope link works*
Buttercup – it could get really nasty if it was Sweeney Todd’s place.
@kittehserf
and you’ve also got those people who whine about how “masculine” the female Olympic athletes are every time they come around. >:( Which normally goes double if they’re WOC.
Try again, then I’m giving up:
radium girls
@kittehs
yeah, sorry, didn’t mean to sound like I was disagreeing on it being sexism, I was just trying to respond to your pantaloon preference, since I’ve got a preference for wearing short skirts. I hope I’m making sense ::crosses fingers::
Nah, that’s cool, Marie, I got what you meant. I didn’t think you were saying it wasn’t sexist. You always make more sense than you credit yourself for. 🙂
I haven’t worn shorts or short skirts out of the house for, gods, prolly thirty years.
kitteh – exactly! I was also thinking of the barbershop in the Monty Python lumberjack sketch. It’s not a place I’d ever want to be naked.
The double standard for female athletes drives me nuts too. It’s not enough that they be talented, they also have to look hot while doing their thing, otherwise they’ll be subjected to a barrage of angry tweets by men who feel deprived of their right to have a boner while watching Wimbledon.
Meanwhile, let’s make male basketball players wear billowing culottes. That makes aerodynamic sense.
Sparky — just copy and paste the URL, functional trumps pretty.
RE: Kittehs
Ugh, yeah, that’s not cool.
RE: katz
Any asshole who ofered me ‘assistance’ in exchange for sex would INFURIATE me. It’s like loan sharking, only skeezier and grosser.
Let’s go the whole hog and make ’em wear pantaloons!