Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.
I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.
Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.
Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:
do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow
Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.
Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:
funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick
Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:
signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies
That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.
There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:
hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina
But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:
shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is
Of course the actual lyrics are:
She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went
And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”
But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:
what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean
I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.
It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.
Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?
i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall
i find beta males attractive
I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.
i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist
This one kind of breaks my heart:
there has to be something about me that men dislike
Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!
I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.
how did the amazing atheist become so popular
why would a man hate a women for no reason
But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:
photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons
Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”
I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!
Auggziliary – Love the cat pic. I wish I knew how to do that.
Incidentally, I already knew of that cat pictures site, so I have a few sitting around. They’re quite boring though, compared to Bill Nye cat. *nod*
Has anyone noticed the shoes the instructor’s wearing in the first photo in the group? Damn, I wish I could wear shoes like that!
Also, pantaloons for the win, especially if they pissed off misogynists. Wear ’em with knee boots and you’re halfway to doing a pirate look.
Alice, here are the instructions to make a kitty avatar: http://manboobz.forummotion.com/t1086-kitty-avatar
If you ever forget how, the link to the instructions is in the Welcome Package post on cloudiah’s blog: http://artistryforfeminismandkittens.wordpress.com/the-official-man-boobz-complimentary-welcome-package/
Dammit, everyone beat me to the condoms.
But one way that won’t work is Icy Hot.
And re: the radium girls — I heard that some workers who were painting radium on watch hands were asked/required to shape their brushes full of radium to a nice point by rolling them or squeezing them with their lips.
And then there’s the Girls With Yellow Hands, who worked in munitions factories in the UK during WWI and had a serious risk of getting blowed up. No telling what being up to your elbows in explosive filler long enough to stain your skin yellow will do in the long run.
BenGay is NOT a lubricant! D^8
Only an idiot would mock that. Wind-dried sheets smell & feel fantastic.
Damn, auggz beat me to the glow in the dark condoms (they do glow, but it’s, uh, a weird effect…a glowing penis is less sexy and more amusing than really works for the desired effect). Also, love the catvatar!
Pecunium…you got nothing? Really? Cuz I’d have thought that “hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts” might mean you’d finally met a bean you didn’t like. But then again, I guess combining two good things could work…
And as for the glowing penis, I think the searcher meant to type grow, not glow.
Falconer — same deal but Civil War, and they did blow up — http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/life/lifestyle/allegheny-arsenal-explosion-pittsburghs-worst-day-during-the-civil-war-653526/
Used to walk by that park, and the memorial, fairly regularly. It’s weird seeing bunnies playing where nearly 80 people died like that.
Oh, it’s easy enough to make something grow… if you have the right tools.
Just a note: You don’t have to be ‘wasteful’ to use a dryer. Other reasons:
1: Weather. In some parts of the country, it’s a safe bet that it’s either too cold or too wet to dry outside a good portion of the time.
2: Time. If you’ve got two people in the house who both work and commute, the ability to throw the clothes in the dryer straight from the washer and hit start is a huge, huge thing.
3: Space. Apartment-dwellers (many of us not exactly high on the income scale) are often forbidden from using clotheslines, or unwilling to do so in common areas where the clothes could be taken/damaged.
Sure, if you’ve got the time, space and weather smiling on you, go for it. And the guy doing the mocking was obviously a grade-A asshat.
And
4. Your air quality may mean that anything hung outside ends up dirtier than before you washed it.
It can be a privilege to be able to use a washing line just as it can be a privilege to be able to use a dryer.
“Lie flat to dry” WHERE?!?!
^ me for about 3 years until I discovered the sort of rack that goes over the tub (thankfully Pittsburgh is big on tubs, never actually saw a place with just a shower)
Yeah, I can sympathize with the use of a dryer, even if hanging clothing is more environmentally sound. Doesn’t mean it’s feasible!
…YouTube spat on Athywren’s link (the app, not your link, don’t worry!)…and now I’m all tears, there must be dust in here…
http://youtu.be/I061rbzOAG4
“4. Your air quality may mean that anything hung outside ends up dirtier than before you washer”
Pittsburgh’s older generation says that when they were young, hanging clothes out to dry meant rewashing them. So yeah, that point definitely applies.
Whereas laundry was generally under $3 for wash and dry. (Idk on your own machine, cuz apartments, but $3 is totally reasonable)
@freemage, in my defence, I did cover the weather and space issues:
I can see your points re: time and air quality though… I don’t think all dryer users are evil or anything, I just think it’s better not to use one if you have the options available to you.
Personally, I have one of those foldy clothes horses for when it’s raining outside which… well, I live in England so it’s ~900 times out of 10 that it’s raining.
Did anyone miss the time that manboobzers created the greatest movie franchise of all time? If so, I met some Golden Retrievers who would like to tell you about it.
The point with Arsehole Atheist is that his neighbours did have the option to dry their clothes on the line, and whether that meant the air quality was good enough, they had the weather and line space to air-dry them, or maybe even that they couldn’t afford a dryer, isn’t really important. It’s none of gobshite’s business and it just proves once again that he’s a fucking moron, among other things.
@caswell
Disagree! I think pantaloons look great on some of those ladies 😛 And I’m not normally a pantaloon person.
@alice and auggz
Nice kitty avatars, you two! :3
Does anyone know what sport some of those women are dressed for? The baseball players are obvious, but there’re a few where one of the women is holding a ball. Soccer? Basketball?
Also, wow, I never knew about the radium girls or the girls with yellow hands. That’s awful!
If I tried to dry my clothes indoors it would cause mold. And if I tried to dry them outside 1) they would get stolen 2) they would get wet.
Space is also an issue. I have a studio basement apartment in a rainy climate.
Off topic: Have any of you watched the show/documentary A Girls Guide to 21st Century Sex?
Just wondering if it is any good. I was thinking of watching it after I finish the documentaries I have on serial killers. I think they might give me nightmares….Since 3 of them were around were I live including: Ted Bundy. I just love documentaries. I just finished watching 8 canine related documentaries and have a list of 22 documentaries about different serial killers to get through now. But then I wanted to watch a girls guide to 21st century, but most of the reviews I’ve found focus a lot of the fact that it is very explicit and not on the content.
LBT, I think all the sporty pantaloon gals holding balls are all basketball players.
jennydevildoll, alas, there are a LOT of dudes searching for info on how to have sex/pay for sex with “homeless girls.”
@cloudiah: THE NOISES I JUST MADE! I would pay well over 5 cents to get my therapy from a golden retriever.
@jayem
I don’t know if I’ve seen you around here (I’ve been away a lot +bad with names, forgive me plz :P) but you have an adorable kitty avatar 😀
If I had to play sport (ugh ugh ugh) I’d rather do it in pantaloons than in the all-your-bits-hanging-out uniforms imposed on Olympic women’s teams, f’rinst.
@kitteh
I know. The volleyball and track uniforms are so skimpy. I would never feel comfortable showing that much skin. I guess I’m just shy.
@Marie
Haha, thank you! And no worries- I’ve delurked before, but it was a while ago. Regular reader who pops into the comments at irregular intervals.
@kittehs
skirts? I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t watch much olympics 😛