Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.
I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.
Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.
Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:
do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow
Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.
Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:
funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick
Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:
signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies
That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.
There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:
hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina
But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:
shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is
Of course the actual lyrics are:
She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went
And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”
But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:
what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean
I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.
It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.
Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?
i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall
i find beta males attractive
I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.
i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist
This one kind of breaks my heart:
there has to be something about me that men dislike
Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!
I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.
how did the amazing atheist become so popular
why would a man hate a women for no reason
But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:
photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons
Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”
I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!
Never heard of the movie Skin Deep! Now I can’t stop picturing glowing penises flopping around while two guys fight in the dark.
I always wanted my own lightsaber…
Damn feminist big daddy guvmint nanny state.
And this was my favorite:
I don’t want to see any hand-shaking, or “Nice weather we’re having” first.
It puts the makeup on Darth Vader or else it gets the hose again!
That’s too funny — I just had the thought that the person who envisioned that scene must have gotten inspired by a lightsaber duel.
I would actually like to read about bitches in literature.
Poor John Ritter. RIP.
I can’t help but think that the Darth Vader thing was someone trying to come up with a Halloween costume. Now I’m scared that the glowing penis search was also a Halloween costume idea.
“how to make my penis glow”
Shine a flashlight through it?
“how to ask a homeless girl for a blowjob” has refreshed my hatred of the trustafarian/yuppie/gentrifiers that infest this city. Not that it really needed refreshing.
“And I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let’s see how well you handle it.”
Seriously though:
*How* did the amazing atheist become so popular? And not “wow, this guy is such a delusional moron un-self-aware of his flat jokes” popular, but “wow, I like this guy, he’s so edgy with his 19th century views” popular.
It’s a real mystery. Maybe God is trying to get me to believe in him (uh… hir? I’m confused) through this guy?
It was sad, but also a watershed industrial health and safety case. We owe the radium girls a lot.
One or two of these seem relevant. I mean, american woman shitting? Christopher in Oregon, is that you?
This is just as disturbing as I thought it would be. Thanks!
I’mma have to register a huge disagreement over here; some of those women were lookin’ fine!
On a related note, I also now have a large desire for some pantaloons of my own. Or possibly for Dr. Husbutt. Matching set, yes/yes?
dustydeste: I second that! I’m looking at those pictures and thinking, there really should be a revival of pantaloons. The illustration of the “New woman” is positively dashing! I want that outfit!
jennydevildoll: Yes, I read that and threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Will they be crotchless?
“How to make my penis glow?”
I’m sorry, like seriously, wait, whut?
By being one of the first youtube atheists… and then by being a raging arsehole, ranting about how
womengirlsfemales have cooties after driving off or boring [what I hope is] the majority of his original viewership. For the record, he lost me when he was mocking one of his neighbours for hanging their washing out on the line, as if that meant they were poor, as if that meant they were inferior. It’s called eco-friendliness, ya dickweasel. Using a drier is just wasteful, unless it’s raining and you have no radiators….. anyway.This is true…. unfortunately, the truth of it, though good, only makes my marxist heart beat more furiously. Why was there ever the need for that watershed? Why were workers lives valued so poorly? Humans are not resources, you fuckers!…. anyway.
Yes, you did it successfully, it just takes time for you to see it because of your browser cookies.
@auggzillary, tie dye background with Lennon-style circular glasses? If yes, it’s changed for me… you might need to clear your cache to see it change.
Auggziliary: That is a truly awesome cat-pic.
Nah, they’d be outerwear, so, y’know, personally I think we’d rather not just hang our collective junk all out there. But that’s just us.