Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.
I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.
Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.
Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:
do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow
Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.
Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:
funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick
Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:
signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies
That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.
There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:
hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina
But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:
shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is
Of course the actual lyrics are:
She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went
And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”
But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:
what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean
I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.
It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.
Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?
i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall
i find beta males attractive
I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.
i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist
This one kind of breaks my heart:
there has to be something about me that men dislike
Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!
I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.
how did the amazing atheist become so popular
why would a man hate a women for no reason
But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:
photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons
Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”
I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!
Those are some lovely pantaloons. The rest, I pretty much got nothing,
This is the perfect neologism for the MRM subreddits. Discustions. If you’re having a conversation where you are trying to out-bigot, out-gross, or out-awful each other, you’re having a discustion.
I also have a sudden desire for pantaloons of my own. Associations with MC Hammer are probably out of public memory by now. Always thought japanese hakama were awesome.
I will never understand the internet…
“how to make my penis glow”
Um.
Radium condoms
I cannot really help the person who wondered “why do women put sand in their vaginas,” but I will share, having just returned from two weeks of body surfing in Florida, that sometimes “sand happens.”
Period pantaloons and number stations – what a great start to the first Monday of Autumn. I’m imagining steampunk number station enthusiasts trading wax cylinder recordings of their favorite transmissions like audiophile trainspotters.
While wearing pantaloons, OF COURSE.
Dunno about radium condoms, but once upon a time, radium was added to a lot of stuff for supposedly health-enhancing reasons:
https://www.orau.org/ptp/collection/quackcures/quackcures.htm
My favourite product on that page is probably the Radiendoctrinator. Males Scrotum-havers were supposed to wear it under the scrotum, “as it should be”.
Oh, crap, “males” was supposed to be stricken out.
Well…. I guess I’m not having chickpeas for dinner tonight.
I have to admit, though, I’m a little concerned about these new woman’s and their bicycles – this suffragism is getting out of hand, I say! Out of hand!
Okay, so now I know what to do for a Halloween costume, I just have to make sure I can find two other women to carry me in a basket.
The history of radium makes me sad. They used to make the glowing pieces of watches using radium paint… there were some women who did the painting who painted their teeth with radium to amuse themselves and their friends with their glowing teeth. Awesome! At least until their teeth fell out… and they died of cancer. These days you’re not allowed to paint your teeth with radioactive materials. Health and safety gone mad, is what that is!
As far as
Wasn’t there a movie once where two guys (one who was having an affair with the other guy’s wife, I seem to recall) were chasing each other around a dark bedroom while both of them were wearing glow in the dark condoms? Or have I given all of you a window into the dank, spidery recesses of my own mental basement?
I’m guessing you are talking about the 1989 movie Skin Deep starring John Ritter.
(I have not seen nor remember this movie. My librarian brain just had to find out what you were referring to).
Ch-chickpeas? In vaginas?
Skin Deep, the “cockfighting” scene.
I think I might have attracted the tyrese gibson peeps. I feel useful 😀
@grumpycatisagirl In my defense, there was the year that I got mono, and the only thing I could manage in a morning (for about two months) was staggering out to the living room couch, where I would read whatever was in the house currently, and when I ran out of books (because I am a lightning fast reader for fiction), I would turn on the tv, curl up and watch whatever happened to be on. Of course, I also tended to snooze in and out, so it all blends together into this weird mishmash of glow in the dark condoms and cartoons and Gary Coleman living in a train station locker…
I also don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist. For the record.
And how DID the Amazing Atheist get so popular? My expression is befuddlement and worry.
Chie: That one got me, too. Especially when my treacherous, evil subconscious, which exists solely to make me suffer, conflated that with my memory of those glow-in-the-dark kittens:
http://rpmbold.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/20110715-020340.jpg?w=490
After looking at those pics I think I can safely say there isn’t a woman alive (or deceased) who looks good in pantaloons.
I seem to vaguely remember seeing something like that in a trailer. I surely didn’t see the movie.
Ha ha Is the first examples some kind of pretentious MRA-poetryslam 😀
Personally, my favourite is:
“how do you put the makeup on darth vader”
Do they mean on the breathing mask? under the breathing mask? And to either question, why?????
Re: Skin Deep
I will admit it – I totally watched that movie. I think I was… sixteen. At sixteen, it was hilarious.