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Christopher in Oregon “Deconstructs the Female” and Her Allegedly Very Stinky You-Know-What [UPDATE: Now With Dramatic Reading!]

Georgia O'Keefe: Probably Not Christopher in Oregon's favorite painter
Georgia O’Keeffe: Probably Not Christopher in Oregon’s favorite painter

It’s time for another visit into the fertile mind of Christopher in Oregon, perhaps the most viscerally misogynistic boob I’ve ever written about on this site. Most of the misogynists I write about here like to pretend that they’re not misogynists, or to dress up their misogyny in pseudoscientific terms, talking about the evils of female “hypergamy” or citing dubious evo psych to back up their reprehensible views.

Not old Chris. He’s an old-school, women are bad because their vaginas are stinky, woman-hater. And his 2007 manifesto “Deconstruct the Female,” which I recently found reposted on MarkyMark’s blog, may well be his masterpiece.

Let’s take a look at some of the highlights.

On the whorishness and deceit of all women (except Christopher in Oregon’s mom):

My mother was very vocal about women and their nasty ways. For this I will always be grateful. She told me in no uncertain terms that women were pretty much all whores and liars, and that for all practical purposes, there were no exceptions.

On the Impending Ugliness of All Women:

A woman’s looks almost always head for the gutter as she ages. … I’m not talking when she hits fifty, or even forty.

Thirty. Maybe sooner. …

This is one of the greatest secrets that few people talk about, and young men are almost never warned about. Women get ugly. BUTT UGLY.

Cellulite: Might Literally Eat You

Oh, God. Have you ever walked down the aisle in a store and observed the women waddling along in short pants? Have you ever looked at their legs? Their thighs? A ghastly sight. Cellulite jiggling in every direction. It’s like the old fifties sci-fi movie “The Blob”. Sometimes I’m afraid it’s going to jump out and envelope me.

Breasts: An Affront to All That is Good and True

Contemplate her breasts. Ah, yes. The twin orbs of pleasure that young men so foolishly lust after.

Why?

They’re a couple of sacks of fat with oozing nipples on the end. Very few women’s breasts look like the one’s you see in the movies. Normally, most breasts are NOT attractive at all. They droop. Sometimes they’re not identical. Some look like gourds. When children come along, they sag badly. Very badly. Sometimes down to their belly, which by this time is also sagging in a race to hit the floor. In a woman, everything heads south, my friends. NEVER forget this.

Vaginas: I Smelled One Once, and It Was Very Stinky

I’m going to be blunt. Have you ever smelled a vagina? Seriously. I mean in it’s natural, unwashed state? Really stuck your nose right down there and taken a deep breath?

Once.

My G-d. The stench could have knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon at fifty paces. To this day I swear there was a cloud of flies buzzing around that portal of doom. Sometimes when riding my Harley-Beasties around the rural roads here in Oregon, I encounter dead skunks. Road kill. We have a lot of them here, and when they’ve been baking in the summer sun, you can smell them a long way off even at sixty miles per hour.

Vaginas tend to be even nastier.

Vaginas, Part 2: He’s Not Done Yet

I have long said that a vagina is a cesspool of filth and disease, and that I will never place any part of my anatomy into such a sewer. With the odds that a woman has herpes or HPV, this statement is even more true today.

Nature has a clever trick to warn us of danger. Smell. If you encounter something that smells bad, or rancid, Nature is telling you to get away.

(Danger, danger Will Robinson!)

You are being warned that something is probably carrying disease, and is filthy. Definatley not fit for human consumption.

Consider what comes out of a woman’s vagina when she has a period. It’s not just blood, boys. Other nasty stuff sloughes off. If she has HPV, then dead warts (if she’s being treated) come oozing out. Or dead pre-cancerous lesions. Scabs. Brown slime that reeks.

Vaginas, Part 3: Also, They’re Near the Butt

Think about her rectum. Yep. Her butt-hole. Think about how close it is to her vagina. Do you REALLY want your gonads slapping up against her poop-shute?

Really?

How carefully does she wipe after she uses the toilet? Do you know? Of course not. You’re taking it on faith that she is very sanitary, and we all know we can trust women.

Women: They Also Have Mouths

Look at her pretty face. Think about her mouth. Can you say gingivitus? Tooth decay? Mucous? Plaque? The human mouth is FILTHY, and a woman’s mouth is no exception, bucko. She can also carry Herpes and HPV in her mouth from all those blow jobs she’s been giving out to every guy in town. Blow jobs that mysteriously disappear once married, I might add.

Oh, Eyes Too

Look at her beady little eyes. Will they look so pretty when she is squinting through glasses that are as thick as coke bottle bottoms? When they’re oozing? When they are dull and lifeless as she hits middle age?

Women Over Fifty are Rotting Carcasses

Surely you’ve seen a middle-aged couple walking along. The man is fifty. In shape. Pleasantly greying on the sides of his head. …

Then look at his wife

She looks like an open-casket funeral. The stench of death is about her. He’s just hitting his prime in looks, while she’s flying towards death. Yes, she may outlive him. If you can call occupying a rotting carcass living.

Women: They Also Poop

Women produce the same filth and excretions as men. They require deodrants both for underarms, and even worse, for down below. What happens when a woman uses the toilet? Do you think it comes out smelling like roses? Think again.

Do Not Allow The Human Female to Use You For Breeding Purposes

Consider the other examples in nature of males being used and cast aside after breeding. Once they have served their purpose, they are useless to the female.

Do you think you will be treated any differently when the female has used you for breeding? You will only be around as long as she feels she need you financially. No longer.

Spend Your Life Exercising Furiously Instead

Clear your mind of lust. Avoid looking at women. Avoid porn. Masturbate if needed when yonger- or older. Don’t date. Don’t socialize with women. Concentrate on your hobbies. Your work. Your exercising.

Huh. That’s a lot to take in.

But there’s just one thing. I don’t want to boast, but over the forty-some years of my life I have found my nose in close proximity to a human vagina on more than one occasion, and, um, dude, I think maybe you got a bad one.

For more from Chris, check out the archives.

EDITED TO ADD: And here’s a DRAMATIC READING of the whole manifesto, courtesy of Quietuus!

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Marie
11 years ago

@bee

Also, tonight is my first night with my new baby hedgehog. She is a doll, and she poops, and her poop smells pretty bad, but I love her. Because hey, baby hedgehog!

D’awwwww! She’s adorable :3

@alice

Do vampires even bathe, come to think of it? Or are they scared of using the water in case it’s really holy water, or even worse, tainted with GARLIC?

Can’t they test it first, when they fill up the bath? Like just stick their hand in it or something?

sparky
sparky
11 years ago

If women disgust him so much, why does he waste so much time and mental energy on them?

Quietuus? You sound like Jeremy Irons.

bekabot
11 years ago

These dramatic readings are beyond fantastic. They are totally astonishing. They are so damn good. Just thought I’d say so. All the internets and kudos forever!! The only thing wrong with these is that they come to an end; I’m like Oliver Twist; I want more.

Can’t they test it first, when they fill up the bath? Like just stick their hand in it or something?

That might be dangerous. What if they stick their hand in the bathtub and it really is Holy Water, or has been tainted by Holy Water? (Or garlic or whatever substances are noxious to vampires?) Wouldn’t their hand go smoking away? Though I suppose that would depend on the toxicity of the garlic, Holy Water, or whatever.

I envision a whole bunch of businesses which might develop around the peculiar security needs of vampires. I envision patents taken out. “Tired of risking your big toe every time you dip it in the bath? Then BaptisMometer is the device for you!! Can measure one part per billion of Holy Water contamination!! Just insert in bath and if dial turns blood red, throw water out and re-draw bath!! (Can be re-used indefinitely.) For extra safety, throw in a speck of CorruptRDust, guaranteed to expunge the strongest blessing!! Buy together or separately and Be Safe Now!!” — I can imagine this being played over and over again on late night radio.

(These days everyone is solemnly advised, by pretty much everybody, to enter into a state of panic for their own protection. I don’t see why the vampires should escape.)

Marie
11 years ago

@bekabot

Wouldn’t their hand go smoking away? Though I suppose that would depend on the toxicity of the garlic, Holy Water, or whatever.

It’d be better than just jumping in and trusting it not to be holy water ::P That is, assuming one takes the bathing route.

envision patents taken out. “Tired of risking your big toe every time you dip it in the bath? Then BaptisMometer is the device for you!! Can measure one part per billion of Holy Water contamination!! Just insert in bath and if dial turns blood red, throw water out and re-draw bath!! (Can be re-used indefinitely.) For extra safety, throw in a speck of CorruptRDust, guaranteed to expunge the strongest blessing!! Buy together or separately and Be Safe Now!!” —

That’d work XD

Quietuus
Quietuus
11 years ago

“Quietuus? You sound like Jeremy Irons.”

That’s a really perceptive comparison! I was hamming up my voice a bit obviously, but Jeremy Irons was born about four miles away from where I was, so it’s probably more than coincidence.

Surely the solution for the paranoid vampire is just to stick a speaker under the bath and play some Slayer through the water. According to certain Christian videos I have seen, this is 100% guaranteed to remove all traces of holyness.

DireSloth
DireSloth
11 years ago

The vampire talk reminds me of a cleric I played in a DnD campaign years ago. I tried to convince the DM that since holy water remains holy indefinitely, and the body is mostly water, if I had the party drink nothing but holy water for long enough, eventually their blood plasma itself would be holy, and burn any vampire trying to bite them. She didn’t buy it, though 🙁

bekabot
11 years ago

Surely the solution for the paranoid vampire is just to stick a speaker under the bath and play some Slayer through the water. According to certain Christian videos I have seen, this is 100% guaranteed to remove all traces of holyness.

That could work, but only if vampires are not subject to electrocution (and I think it would work, because how could they be electrocuted? They’re already dead.)

{sends waves of admiration in Quietuss’s direction}

Marie
11 years ago

@quietuus

Surely the solution for the paranoid vampire is just to stick a speaker under the bath and play some Slayer through the water. According to certain Christian videos I have seen, this is 100% guaranteed to remove all traces of holyness.

okay, you win the vampire safety idea contest 😀

grumpycatisagirl
11 years ago

So that’s an Isle of Wight accent, then? I am tempted to move there.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

Whee, I can explain VtM rules on these things! I actually don’t know on holy water itself, but hunters of the religious sort can only affect vampires with their religion if they have the True Faith merit…crosses in and of themselves are of no harm. Neither is water (hence the joke about I bathe…occasionally). If holy water did sizzle of the body part it touched, the vampire could just regrow it by expending blood and some finagling like that.

Electrocution though…ouch ouch ouch aggravated damage hard to heal, likely to cause Final Death, not to be played with.

Garlic is only a problem in that eating (without the Eat Food merit) will result in vomiting. But that’s not garlic per se, that’s food.

Bekabot’s ad is awesome though!

Robert
Robert
11 years ago

Late to the party, but as a certified and licensed Kinsey 6, I am nowhere near grossed out by women’s bodies. My own suspicion about CIO is that he still views women – excuse me, ‘females’, as the Unknowable Other. Alien, incomprehensible, yet irresistible. Like the early Church Fathers, he must steel himself against the occasion of sin.

It makes me think of the ‘queers in the locker room ‘ meme. So many straight men imagine that a gay man would become an unstoppable monster of rapelust upon exposure to their luscious masculinity,forgetting that WE TOOK P.E. TOO. We’ve seen you naked before. It makes me wonder just how they think they would react upon seeing a naked woman.

Except in CIO’s case. I really don’t want to imagine that.

BlackBloc (@XBlackBlocX)

>>>if I had the party drink nothing but holy water for long enough, eventually their blood plasma itself would be holy

Interaction with any bodily function whatsoever removes holiness. Hell, I think a lot of fundamentalists are not quite sure that any interaction with matter in general doesn’t make something impure. The best way to preserve holy water would be to remove the water and just keep the holy part. 😉

SittieKitty
11 years ago

Women Poop: The conspiracy theory so deep, even Dan Brown doesn’t know about it.

But there are coded messages in Renaissance paintings, if you know where to look.

Dammit. I swear to god there’s a woodcut by some famous artist where all the people are pooping but I can’t find it. Google fails me ;_; Just pretend I found it.

*Historical Woodcut Showing a “Whole Town”, with a lot of Them Pooping*

I have honestly no idea where I’ve seen it before, but it’s out there, somewhere…

kittehserf
11 years ago

I’ll bet that was Brueghel the Elder. It sounds like the sort of thing he’d paint!

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

“It’s not in your benefit to breed with a female”

As opposed to breeding with a…

Darwinism in action!

Athywren
Athywren
11 years ago

As opposed to breeding with a…

Cabbage.

kittehserf
11 years ago

But what kind of cabbage?

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

RE: Buttercup Q. Skullpants

What’s most dishonest about these screeds is the way they pretend that the author’s quirks/preferences/pathologies are universally true for everyone on the planet.

The g0ys. That is all. (And their founder had a bit of the weird germ-phobia as well… he recommended bathing in hydrogen peroxide.)

kittehserf
11 years ago

It just struck me that there could be a really easy way to frighten off obnoxious and germ-phobic types – tell ’em I let Mads walk around on the kitchen benches and sink, and have never once disinfected them.

That, or just show a photo of my keyboard here at work. 😉

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
11 years ago

Bathing in hydrogen peroxide sounds uncomfortably fizzy. (I had no idea what g0ys were till I started reading this blog. The more you know…)

kitteh – you nailed it with Breughel the Elder. I think he used to include people crapping in the bushes in the background of a lot of his paintings. Something to do with poop representing earthly mortality, etc.

Then of course, there’s the giant roll of Charmin in the background of the Last Supper.

My twin boys are getting ready to potty-train. We’ve been reading a lot of “Everybody Poops” type books. The current favorite is “Even Firefighters Have To Use The Potty”. If I play my cards right, it will come as no surprise to them someday that their Significant Others Have Bowel Movements.

kittehserf
11 years ago

Then of course, there’s the giant roll of Charmin in the background of the Last Supper.

wait wut

I must see this

It seems odd that an MRA/MGHOW would have such a terror of shit, given that “bowel” is the word that goes best with their alleged “movement”.

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

Yeah, and they’re full of it.

kittehserf
11 years ago

Indeed! 😀

Athywren
Athywren
11 years ago

So… are the g0ys that group who claim that frottage is basically the only acceptable form of m/m sex? Or is that a different “anti-sodomy” group?
Also, dear god, who designed that website? I’m not exactly the best web designer in the world, but… damn.

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