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Christopher in Oregon “Deconstructs the Female” and Her Allegedly Very Stinky You-Know-What [UPDATE: Now With Dramatic Reading!]

Georgia O'Keefe: Probably Not Christopher in Oregon's favorite painter
Georgia O’Keeffe: Probably Not Christopher in Oregon’s favorite painter

It’s time for another visit into the fertile mind of Christopher in Oregon, perhaps the most viscerally misogynistic boob I’ve ever written about on this site. Most of the misogynists I write about here like to pretend that they’re not misogynists, or to dress up their misogyny in pseudoscientific terms, talking about the evils of female “hypergamy” or citing dubious evo psych to back up their reprehensible views.

Not old Chris. He’s an old-school, women are bad because their vaginas are stinky, woman-hater. And his 2007 manifesto “Deconstruct the Female,” which I recently found reposted on MarkyMark’s blog, may well be his masterpiece.

Let’s take a look at some of the highlights.

On the whorishness and deceit of all women (except Christopher in Oregon’s mom):

My mother was very vocal about women and their nasty ways. For this I will always be grateful. She told me in no uncertain terms that women were pretty much all whores and liars, and that for all practical purposes, there were no exceptions.

On the Impending Ugliness of All Women:

A woman’s looks almost always head for the gutter as she ages. … I’m not talking when she hits fifty, or even forty.

Thirty. Maybe sooner. …

This is one of the greatest secrets that few people talk about, and young men are almost never warned about. Women get ugly. BUTT UGLY.

Cellulite: Might Literally Eat You

Oh, God. Have you ever walked down the aisle in a store and observed the women waddling along in short pants? Have you ever looked at their legs? Their thighs? A ghastly sight. Cellulite jiggling in every direction. It’s like the old fifties sci-fi movie “The Blob”. Sometimes I’m afraid it’s going to jump out and envelope me.

Breasts: An Affront to All That is Good and True

Contemplate her breasts. Ah, yes. The twin orbs of pleasure that young men so foolishly lust after.

Why?

They’re a couple of sacks of fat with oozing nipples on the end. Very few women’s breasts look like the one’s you see in the movies. Normally, most breasts are NOT attractive at all. They droop. Sometimes they’re not identical. Some look like gourds. When children come along, they sag badly. Very badly. Sometimes down to their belly, which by this time is also sagging in a race to hit the floor. In a woman, everything heads south, my friends. NEVER forget this.

Vaginas: I Smelled One Once, and It Was Very Stinky

I’m going to be blunt. Have you ever smelled a vagina? Seriously. I mean in it’s natural, unwashed state? Really stuck your nose right down there and taken a deep breath?

Once.

My G-d. The stench could have knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon at fifty paces. To this day I swear there was a cloud of flies buzzing around that portal of doom. Sometimes when riding my Harley-Beasties around the rural roads here in Oregon, I encounter dead skunks. Road kill. We have a lot of them here, and when they’ve been baking in the summer sun, you can smell them a long way off even at sixty miles per hour.

Vaginas tend to be even nastier.

Vaginas, Part 2: He’s Not Done Yet

I have long said that a vagina is a cesspool of filth and disease, and that I will never place any part of my anatomy into such a sewer. With the odds that a woman has herpes or HPV, this statement is even more true today.

Nature has a clever trick to warn us of danger. Smell. If you encounter something that smells bad, or rancid, Nature is telling you to get away.

(Danger, danger Will Robinson!)

You are being warned that something is probably carrying disease, and is filthy. Definatley not fit for human consumption.

Consider what comes out of a woman’s vagina when she has a period. It’s not just blood, boys. Other nasty stuff sloughes off. If she has HPV, then dead warts (if she’s being treated) come oozing out. Or dead pre-cancerous lesions. Scabs. Brown slime that reeks.

Vaginas, Part 3: Also, They’re Near the Butt

Think about her rectum. Yep. Her butt-hole. Think about how close it is to her vagina. Do you REALLY want your gonads slapping up against her poop-shute?

Really?

How carefully does she wipe after she uses the toilet? Do you know? Of course not. You’re taking it on faith that she is very sanitary, and we all know we can trust women.

Women: They Also Have Mouths

Look at her pretty face. Think about her mouth. Can you say gingivitus? Tooth decay? Mucous? Plaque? The human mouth is FILTHY, and a woman’s mouth is no exception, bucko. She can also carry Herpes and HPV in her mouth from all those blow jobs she’s been giving out to every guy in town. Blow jobs that mysteriously disappear once married, I might add.

Oh, Eyes Too

Look at her beady little eyes. Will they look so pretty when she is squinting through glasses that are as thick as coke bottle bottoms? When they’re oozing? When they are dull and lifeless as she hits middle age?

Women Over Fifty are Rotting Carcasses

Surely you’ve seen a middle-aged couple walking along. The man is fifty. In shape. Pleasantly greying on the sides of his head. …

Then look at his wife

She looks like an open-casket funeral. The stench of death is about her. He’s just hitting his prime in looks, while she’s flying towards death. Yes, she may outlive him. If you can call occupying a rotting carcass living.

Women: They Also Poop

Women produce the same filth and excretions as men. They require deodrants both for underarms, and even worse, for down below. What happens when a woman uses the toilet? Do you think it comes out smelling like roses? Think again.

Do Not Allow The Human Female to Use You For Breeding Purposes

Consider the other examples in nature of males being used and cast aside after breeding. Once they have served their purpose, they are useless to the female.

Do you think you will be treated any differently when the female has used you for breeding? You will only be around as long as she feels she need you financially. No longer.

Spend Your Life Exercising Furiously Instead

Clear your mind of lust. Avoid looking at women. Avoid porn. Masturbate if needed when yonger- or older. Don’t date. Don’t socialize with women. Concentrate on your hobbies. Your work. Your exercising.

Huh. That’s a lot to take in.

But there’s just one thing. I don’t want to boast, but over the forty-some years of my life I have found my nose in close proximity to a human vagina on more than one occasion, and, um, dude, I think maybe you got a bad one.

For more from Chris, check out the archives.

EDITED TO ADD: And here’s a DRAMATIC READING of the whole manifesto, courtesy of Quietuus!

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hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

I’ll be 42 next week, I’m surprised I haven’t turned into a butt-ugly pile of fishy smelling goo. Maybe this is my year.

HM
HM
7 years ago

“envelope me”

“riding my Harley-Beasties around the rural roads”

And wait…is MRAs and PUAs talking about how Women Actually Poop really a common thing? I mean, nothing would shock me about those guys but that’s too funny. I’m always shocked when I hear guys say they didn’t know for a long time that women fart.

Men who constantly talk about how women age (!!!) and how haw haw someday that 10 won’t be so full of herself just come off as resentment-driven teenage boys. The LaidNYC blogger with the gilded sperm has posted repeatedly on that topic since getting the recent web traffic from Gawker and you know he thinks he’s really sticking it to those uppity female lurkers. These guys absolutely adore the argument that women have an expiration date but they just get better. Proof of which I’m not seeing on that blog.

He has a post about how some model will not look like that at 50 and a comments section full of guys puffing themselves up about The Wall, ha ha, and worrying so, for the girls’ sake of course, about how those 18-year-old 10s will someday be 5s If They’re Lucky but will die alone due to riding the “carousel” throughout youth rather than bedding down with nice gentlemen like themselves. If being “alpha” means sitting around with other men comforting your egos with bizarrely obsessive discussion of how young women are sleeping with the wrong men and wasting their “value,” your worldview is completely fucked up.

cloudiah
7 years ago

laidinNYC:

True female peak, on average, is probably around 16-18.

High schoolers.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Oops, hit post too soon. One of the logistical problems Laid discusses with regard to banging those high school girls is “cock-blocking parents.” I kid you not.

burgundy
burgundy
7 years ago

It’s the air of “I’m hitting you with a TRUTH BOMB!!!” that I love so much.

“Women poop! Out their buttholes!” You don’t say.
“And they age!” Gosh.
“They have cellulite! I have to warn you!” Wow, I’ve never seen a women in shorts or a skirt in my whole life.
“You think you like breasts, but you really don’t!” …okay

I mean, I can see this being useful for boys who’ve been raised in monasteries or something, who’ve never actually encountered a live woman in the wild (if you want said boys to be warped misogynists), but he really sounds like some brave anthropologist reporting back on the savages, as though the people he’s writing to have no experiences with women of their own. Women have plaque in their mouths. My mind is blown.

Does he know DKM? Doesn’t he seem like he’d be happier with dolls?

Shadow
Shadow
7 years ago

fleet enemas are really stellar from what I’ve heard

Maybe it’s all the BBT and Firefly I’ve been watching, or I’ve had one too many brownies, but I gigglesnorted entirely too long at this

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
7 years ago

The thing about Christopher is that he’s combining his unusually strong disgust at the human body with his misogyny, and it comes out as a particular fixation on the grossness of women’s bodies. The part that really confounds me is that other people agree with his bizarre conclusions.

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

Someone has a strange obsession with the female orifice. Hmm…

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Pass those brownies!

Xen
Xen
7 years ago

So you’re not interested in women…There are other options you know, but I don’t think they’d want you. No, they definitely wouldn’t.

sarahlizhousespouse
7 years ago

I thought LaidinNYC didn’t believe in distributing his Liquid Gold to just anyone, even if those anybodies are teenagers.

Joeseph Crumbles
7 years ago

“My mother was very vocal about women and their nasty ways. For this I will always be grateful. She told me in no uncertain terms that women were pretty much all whores and liars, and that for all practical purposes, there were no exceptions.” –In his and Mother’s motel off the highway.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Jena

this is why I am highly convinced that many men, especially MRAs, are homosexual…because I’ve never seen any creature more critical and disgusted by female bodies, especially natural female bodies.

Oh god, not this thing again. Can this whole, ‘misogynists must be repulsed by women’s bodies because they’re gay!’ thing die?

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

The worst thing I ever heard a gay man say about women’s bodies is something about “frilly bits,” though, to be fair, I don’t know that many openly gay men, so it’s a small sample size, but I don’t know any of them who’re repulsed by women’s bodies… just not attracted to them.

dustydeste
dustydeste
7 years ago

Yeah, seconding LBT on that crap being, well, crap. C’mon, people. Gay =/= finding otherly-sexed bodies repulsive. You don’t have to find a gender disgusting in order to not be sexually attracted to members of that gender. Misogyny =/= homosexuality, or ANY sexuality. Et cetera ad nauseum.

katz
7 years ago

All women have the pseudonatural template.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Thirding LBT.

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

@katz, even Genasi womenz?

serrana
7 years ago

I have been told by more than one man that my vagina doesn’t have a smell. Another one said it smells like vanilla. But I guess that makes me a slut. On the other hand, my farts smell like cabbage. I don’t need to be a slut to know that.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

I was actually WAY more comfortable with ‘female’ bodies than I was ‘male,’ for a very long time. Still am, for the most part. C’mon, it’s the one I see more often! (Finding out I was gay REALLY pissed me off, at the start.)

kittehserf
7 years ago

LBT:

RE: Jena

this is why I am highly convinced that many men, especially MRAs, are homosexual…because I’ve never seen any creature more critical and disgusted by female bodies, especially natural female bodies.

Oh god, not this thing again. Can this whole, ‘misogynists must be repulsed by women’s bodies because they’re gay!’ thing die?

You got there before me, but I was going to say “can this whole ‘men must be homosexual because they’re repulsed by women’s bodies’ die too?”

Jena – do you consider you’re lesbian purely because you’re repulsed by men’s bodies? No? Then why attribute male homosexuality to that? Being gay doesn’t mean a man’s a misogynist, and vice versa.

Homosexuality does not automatically mean ‘repulsed by opposite sex’s body’. It means attracted to one’s own sex, and even then it doesn’t mean one’s going to want sexual involvement (asexual homoromantic, anyone?). Just because you don’t want to fuck someone of [insert category here] doesn’t mean you’re repulsed by them.

On the OP: if Christopher isn’t a Poe, he brings to mind a line from Fawlty Towers – a psychiatrist looking at Basil having one of his meltdowns and commenting, “There’s enough material for an entire conference there.”

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

He’s an old-school, women are bad because their vaginas are stinky, woman-hater. An

Omigod, this is the first time I’ve gotten this one before! ::jumps up and down, squees happily::

Also, I’m glad to know my fatty, fatty legs should scare this loser away from me 😀 Though I am going to call bullshit on this guy having ever smelled a vagina, because that description was just wtf O_o or maybe he’s over-exaggerating.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Marie – yeah, I can’t see him having ever been within smelling distance of anyone’s vulva … unless he works in a morgue.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@LBT

I was actually WAY more comfortable with ‘female’ bodies than I was ‘male,’ for a very long time

That makes sense. I’m more comfortable with ‘female’* bodies than ‘male’ ones cuz I’m a cis woman. The first time I saw a (picture) of a naked man I was confused, not because it was gross, just because I hadn’t seen one before.
*(or cis female? boobs + vagina as opposed to penis. Not that trans* people can’t have those bodies, but I”m really not knowing how to go with the “female” and “male” things when talking about bodies. Maybe just quotes like you did 😛 ps tell me if I’m being an offensive ass, I don’t mean to be I’m just having a really hard time finding a word…I’ll shut up now.)

@kittehs

Marie – yeah, I can’t see him having ever been within smelling distance of anyone’s vulva … unless he works in a morgue.

That would explain a lot.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

^the morgue part. Why can’t I articulate anything today.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Marie

Well, yeah, plus I got raped by a cis man, so there was a lot of nasty associations in my head. Obviously, those associations have been mostly alleviated, courtesy of hubby. (And also, I didn’t blame ALL MEN for that, unlike some misogynists on the web.)

kittehserf
7 years ago

Marie – you’re cis, as a woman in a female body. 🙂

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

Dang, I feel like I blew up this thread from my confusion with words.

@kittehs

I know I’m cis, I think my brain just got confused over female/male body thing. Sorryz. I is easy to confuse.

@LBT

That sucks 🙁 Internet hugs if you want. Sorry if it came across like I was minimizing your experiences.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Pffft nothin’ wrong with regulars blowing up a thread. Off topic is on topic when we (as distinct from trolls) do it. 😉

Noadi
7 years ago

I know quite a few gay men and none of them are repulsed by my body. Some of them have seen me completely naked and some of them have done BDSM play with me while I was naked (or nearly so) and that STILL didn’t repulse them. Not attracted =/= repulsed.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

Nah, it’s okay, Marie. It’s something I’ve laid to rest, and I know much nicer men now.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

Women Poop: The conspiracy theory so deep, even Dan Brown doesn’t know about it.

But there are coded messages in Renaissance paintings, if you know where to look.

Shaenon
7 years ago

I am personally intrigued by the news that only women have genitals near their buttholes. Where do you guys keep yours?

cloudiah
7 years ago

Kittehs, I watched that very Fawlty Towers episode last night. Do you have a hidden camera in my apartment? ::peers around suspiciously::

Check out this brand new Redditor’s comment over on a r/mr thread about “freebleeding”:

Consider what comes out of a woman’s vagina when she has a period. It’s not just blood, boys. Other nasty stuff sloughes off. If she has HPV, then dead warts (if she’s being treated) come oozing out. Or dead pre-cancerous lesions. Scabs. Brown slime that reeks.

Doubt me? Visit any HPV forum and read the stories. It’s enough to make a Billy-Goat puke.

And they wonder why so many men don’t want to perform oral sex……

Sound familiar? The only other thing he’s done on Reddit is post a video over in /r/atheism claiming that black Christians are “Uncle Toms.”

Shaenon
7 years ago

I’ve known a few gay guys who brag about how much women’s bodies gross them out (Dan Savage loves doing this for some reason), but it’s not very common. Christopher just sounds like a straight misogynist tortured by the shame of being attracted to those horrible, horrible women-things his mother warned him about.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

Dan Savage is an asshole, that’s why.

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

And they wonder why so many men don’t want to perform oral sex……

Well…. yeah. Why wouldn’t you? Maybe if you stopped freaking out over how icky icky icky ewwwwwww they are, you’d notice that they’re actually fine. Or maybe it’s just that the people with low enough standards to get naked with those guys just don’t wash? I can’t say I really believe that, but it would explain the consistency of the tales of the smelly ladybits.

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
7 years ago

Where do you guys keep yours?

Near my butterfly collection.

Kind of weird though, all this. I mean. Someone being sick isn’t actually an argument for not talking to someone who isn’t sick. Does Christopher from Oregon understand the concept of individuality?

I’m serious. Does he understand that there is such a thing as different people?

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@Athywren

Or maybe it’s just that the people with low enough standards to get naked with those guys just don’t wash?

Yeah, um I”m not sure why but this is just giving me wtfs. :/

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

Oh, this guy again. I still think it’s hilarious that he thinks that bodily stuff that’s perfectly acceptable on men, like plaque and shitting, is incredibly disgusting when associated with women. Maybe fucking a Real Doll has given him unrealistic expectations?

(I’d be really freaked out by the idea of having sex with someone who didn’t have to shit, brush their teeth, and so on. Like, what kind of alien android am I fucking here? Is it going to kill me later?)

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

And last apology for messing up this thread (athywren feel free to ignore what I just typed to you.) I feel like my brain is shot and I can’t communicate atm so um…I’ll be back tomorrow. But I need a small break cuz I can’t think.

quantumscale
7 years ago

I think the logic goes like:

a. They find women’s bodies repulsive
b. Therefore they must not be sexually attracted to women
c. Therefore they must be gay

Except b does not follow from a, and c does not follow from b.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

If only humans were so simple and easy. *eyeroll*

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
7 years ago

I’ll just (ahem) drop this here:

Quietuus
7 years ago

I had to do a dramatic reading of this. Quality is a bit low, on headset.

https://soundcloud.com/quietuus/deconstruct-the-female

kittehserf
7 years ago

Kittehs, I watched that very Fawlty Towers episode last night. Do you have a hidden camera in my apartment? ::peers around suspiciously::

Ceiling Cat was watching you!

Dan Savage is an asshole, that’s why.

Precisely what I was going to say.

I’m serious. Does he understand that there is such a thing as different people?

On the evidence so far, I’d say nope. Or add that he doesn’t understand that women are people (I know, that much is screamingly obvious).

Alice
Alice
7 years ago

I’m serious. Does he understand that there is such a thing as different people?

And by different people I assume you mean different cats and different ferrets in different human suits, right?

kittehserf
7 years ago

Alice – correct! 😀 😀 😀

dustydeste
dustydeste
7 years ago

Oh. My. God. Unimaginative, a million billion thanks for putting me onto this year’s Christmas present for my sister. Probably packaged along with this!

dustydeste
dustydeste
7 years ago

Huh, I looks like I borked that link. Probably forgot the ending quotation marks :/