(Well, once I was past the age of being the one doing the spreading, that is.)
Marie
11 years ago
@kittehs
he knows I have a problem with her, but he’s not doing anything. I don’t mind cuz I don’t know what either of us should do either. It’s not like you can force people to change their minds…so far I’m just hoping he’ll cooperate if/when I have to cut most of my contact with her. I’m more worried about talking to her, because I have a much easier time talking with my dad.
It’s not even making her change her mind, I think; it’s making her behave decently to you. Bad enough that she’s homophobic, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he should tell her it’s not acceptable to talk that way. But yeah, I’m thinking cutting contact might be the best thing. It’s not like you enjoy her company apart from this one thing, is it?
In either case, I’m a big fan of having asshole-ish behavior have consequences, even if the consequences aren’t exactly what you like. I think you (or your dad) should tell her that her behavior means that you will spend less time there, which means your dad won’t get to see as much of you as he would like. All you are asking is that she refrain from making sexist & homophobic comments in front of you.
I’d enjoy her company if she weren’t homophobic/sexist, but I have a really hard time being around people when I know they hold hateful views like that. Idk if it makes any sense, but it just feels fake? Like I’m sitting around pretending everything’s peachy when it can’t be. It’s the only thing I can think about when I’m around her. She may act pleasant (heck a lot of people would probably think she’s nicer than me because she phrases all of her shit innocently, like ‘oh well it’s just an opinion’ or ‘everyone’s entitled to their own opinion’ or that shit.) So what I’m trying to say in my rambles is that I just can’t be comfy around her? Idk if that makes any sense.
Your wording seemed fine to me but I’m kinda brain-frazzled right now so I’m a bad judge.
Anyway I saved the advice you all gave me last time on a word document in case I need to see it later, my main goal was to work up the courage to tell her this whole ‘existing around each other’ in peace thing isn’t gonna last.
Marie
11 years ago
@falconer
D’aww, she’s adorable :3
@cloudiah
I haven’t asked my dad to talk to her yet, I wanna wait til I see where everything goes so I say something less…idk general or whatever than I have right now. Right now I know there’s a problem but idk how to fix it, which is why I wanna talk to her, so I know where we stand/ what’s all going on. Just to clear the air, though it may make things more awkward for her (which I can’t be bothered to care that much at the moment) but I always feel better when I get everything out in the open.
Marie, it makes perfect sense that you can’t be comfortable around her, and that makes it clear (which I should have thought through before) that it’s not even a matter of her shutting up with her toxic shit around you; that doesn’t change the fact she feels that way, and you know it.
I’d really say it’s minimise-contact time.
Marie
11 years ago
@kittehs
Yeah, now I just need to work up the nerve to tell her 😛
That Business Insider article is an example of that obnoxious journalism that just quotes everyone as though they were equally right and doesn’t bother telling you whether any of it is actually true or not.
My eyes started glazing over after a few paragraphs of that Business Insider thing. If I could have been bothered logging in, I’d have said, “It really isn’t complicated. These men are misogynists. Or, if you want shorter words, they hate women.”
I picked up a pack of Kraft tasty instead of Bega tasty by mistake (side by side and almost identical wrappings) … NEVER AGAIN. Just about passable on toast, but on its own? Yuk.
Kittehs, I feel like you’re speaking another language again. 😀
Marie
11 years ago
@cloudiah
no worries, didn’t seem like you were pressuring me 🙂
I’m thinking it’s a good thing I’m only getting the buisness insider filtered through you guys. It sounds…fairly bothersome.
Kittehs, I’m seconding cloudiah’s you’re speaking another language 😛 I couldn’t tell what you just said.
Unimaginative
11 years ago
@Marie, maybe start with just pointing out that what she just said or did is objectionable. Like, “Hey, you know, that’s kind of homophobic.”
Non-accusatory, non-fight-starting. Just making an observation. If she hears it often enough (without having to get defensive about it), she may stop doing it out loud. Baby steps.
Marie
11 years ago
@unimaginative
I’ve already tried that 😛 She seems to take objection to people pointing out what she says is shitty.
She seems to take objection to people pointing out what she says is shitty.
Well, what she says IS shitty. I’m always amazed when people say offensive stuff and then get mad when someone calls them on it. One time a random white woman made a racist comment to me on an airport shuttle, and I said something like “What in the world makes you think I would agree with that?” And she got SO offended she had to change seats, and then periodically look back at me and make huffing noises.
LOL I am speaking the esoteric language of Downunder Cheeses! Just two brands, but one I like and the other … blerk.
Marie, I’m going with what assholish behaviour having consequences. You’ve tried calling your stepmother out before, or have at least seen her reaction if other people do. You know you’re not up to getting in a stoush over this, or are reluctant for whatever reasons (all legit!). You’re not getting backup from your dad, for whatever reasons. Seems that you haven’t many realistic, do-able options. It’s not fair to you to be expected to “make nice” and endure her bigotry, even if the expectation is a passive one. I’m wondering if you could just tell your dad you need to be away from her, that it’s distressing/harming you to be around her and you really need to keep your distance. This comes into assholish behaviour having consequences: hers, and, frankly, his, for not backing you. Yes, I know neither of you knows what to do, but fercryinoutaloud he’s your father, he’s not nineteen, he should be giving a bit more support than this. I’m not saying this in the sense of you punishing either of them, but protecting yourself and making your boundaries clear.
On a tangent, your stepmother is also showing she’s a great FAIL at basic hospitality.
Unimaginative
11 years ago
@Marie: she’s that kind, is she? Yep, the problem is not MY behaviour, it’s that you’re pointing out my behaviour. I’m sorry, I don’t know if there’s a cure for that.
Erk. That should have been, ” I’m going with what cloudiah said about assholish behaviour having consequences.”
Marie
11 years ago
@cloudiah
wow :/ That’s…baffling.
Marie
11 years ago
Now I feel like everyone’s all looking down on my dad with this :p I mean in his defense I haven’t asked for back up yet, so I don’t really know what he’ll do. Um, idk rambles
@unimaginative.
@Marie: she’s that kind, is she? Yep, the problem is not MY behaviour, it’s that you’re pointing out my behaviour. I’m sorry, I don’t know if there’s a cure for that
yup. When my dad was playing communication tag for us the first time she said something homophobic he said she felt ‘attacked’ the we* called her homophobic.
*me and my sister, not me and my guinea pigs or whatever.
We Hunted The Mammoth
I’d have thought it’d be “all over”, no need to narrow the field!
I’m afraid baby food and the way it travels has been one of my squicks forever.
(Well, once I was past the age of being the one doing the spreading, that is.)
@kittehs
he knows I have a problem with her, but he’s not doing anything. I don’t mind cuz I don’t know what either of us should do either. It’s not like you can force people to change their minds…so far I’m just hoping he’ll cooperate if/when I have to cut most of my contact with her. I’m more worried about talking to her, because I have a much easier time talking with my dad.
It’s not even making her change her mind, I think; it’s making her behave decently to you. Bad enough that she’s homophobic, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he should tell her it’s not acceptable to talk that way. But yeah, I’m thinking cutting contact might be the best thing. It’s not like you enjoy her company apart from this one thing, is it?
Or rather, would enjoy her company if she weren’t homophobic; I worded it badly then, like it’s a minor matter – sorry!
Well yes, but I have no problem looking at a baby covered in goo.
It’s feeling my fingers slowly congeal that’s the problem.
@marie: I’m sorry, I still don’t have any advice for you. But i hope she takes your words to heart.
In the meantime, here’s a baby girl with a butterfly in her hair.
Marie, did you ask your dad to talk to her?
In either case, I’m a big fan of having asshole-ish behavior have consequences, even if the consequences aren’t exactly what you like. I think you (or your dad) should tell her that her behavior means that you will spend less time there, which means your dad won’t get to see as much of you as he would like. All you are asking is that she refrain from making sexist & homophobic comments in front of you.
In other news, Business Insider did a story on the Red Pillers:
http://www.businessinsider.com/the-red-pill-reddit-2013-8
@kittehs
I’d enjoy her company if she weren’t homophobic/sexist, but I have a really hard time being around people when I know they hold hateful views like that. Idk if it makes any sense, but it just feels fake? Like I’m sitting around pretending everything’s peachy when it can’t be. It’s the only thing I can think about when I’m around her. She may act pleasant (heck a lot of people would probably think she’s nicer than me because she phrases all of her shit innocently, like ‘oh well it’s just an opinion’ or ‘everyone’s entitled to their own opinion’ or that shit.) So what I’m trying to say in my rambles is that I just can’t be comfy around her? Idk if that makes any sense.
Your wording seemed fine to me but I’m kinda brain-frazzled right now so I’m a bad judge.
Anyway I saved the advice you all gave me last time on a word document in case I need to see it later, my main goal was to work up the courage to tell her this whole ‘existing around each other’ in peace thing isn’t gonna last.
@falconer
D’aww, she’s adorable :3
@cloudiah
I haven’t asked my dad to talk to her yet, I wanna wait til I see where everything goes so I say something less…idk general or whatever than I have right now. Right now I know there’s a problem but idk how to fix it, which is why I wanna talk to her, so I know where we stand/ what’s all going on. Just to clear the air, though it may make things more awkward for her (which I can’t be bothered to care that much at the moment) but I always feel better when I get everything out in the open.
Marie, it makes perfect sense that you can’t be comfortable around her, and that makes it clear (which I should have thought through before) that it’s not even a matter of her shutting up with her toxic shit around you; that doesn’t change the fact she feels that way, and you know it.
I’d really say it’s minimise-contact time.
@kittehs
Yeah, now I just need to work up the nerve to tell her 😛
That Business Insider article is an example of that obnoxious journalism that just quotes everyone as though they were equally right and doesn’t bother telling you whether any of it is actually true or not.
My eyes started glazing over after a few paragraphs of that Business Insider thing. If I could have been bothered logging in, I’d have said, “It really isn’t complicated. These men are misogynists. Or, if you want shorter words, they hate women.”
Marie: I heartily endorse whatever course of action you feel comfortable with. Didn’t mean to sound like I was pressuring you one way or another!
More random: Anyone read the new John Scalzi? What’d you think?
Argh
I picked up a pack of Kraft tasty instead of Bega tasty by mistake (side by side and almost identical wrappings) … NEVER AGAIN. Just about passable on toast, but on its own? Yuk.
Kittehs, I feel like you’re speaking another language again. 😀
@cloudiah
no worries, didn’t seem like you were pressuring me 🙂
I’m thinking it’s a good thing I’m only getting the buisness insider filtered through you guys. It sounds…fairly bothersome.
Kittehs, I’m seconding cloudiah’s you’re speaking another language 😛 I couldn’t tell what you just said.
@Marie, maybe start with just pointing out that what she just said or did is objectionable. Like, “Hey, you know, that’s kind of homophobic.”
Non-accusatory, non-fight-starting. Just making an observation. If she hears it often enough (without having to get defensive about it), she may stop doing it out loud. Baby steps.
@unimaginative
I’ve already tried that 😛 She seems to take objection to people pointing out what she says is shitty.
Well, what she says IS shitty. I’m always amazed when people say offensive stuff and then get mad when someone calls them on it. One time a random white woman made a racist comment to me on an airport shuttle, and I said something like “What in the world makes you think I would agree with that?” And she got SO offended she had to change seats, and then periodically look back at me and make huffing noises.
LOL I am speaking the esoteric language of Downunder Cheeses! Just two brands, but one I like and the other … blerk.
Marie, I’m going with what assholish behaviour having consequences. You’ve tried calling your stepmother out before, or have at least seen her reaction if other people do. You know you’re not up to getting in a stoush over this, or are reluctant for whatever reasons (all legit!). You’re not getting backup from your dad, for whatever reasons. Seems that you haven’t many realistic, do-able options. It’s not fair to you to be expected to “make nice” and endure her bigotry, even if the expectation is a passive one. I’m wondering if you could just tell your dad you need to be away from her, that it’s distressing/harming you to be around her and you really need to keep your distance. This comes into assholish behaviour having consequences: hers, and, frankly, his, for not backing you. Yes, I know neither of you knows what to do, but fercryinoutaloud he’s your father, he’s not nineteen, he should be giving a bit more support than this. I’m not saying this in the sense of you punishing either of them, but protecting yourself and making your boundaries clear.
On a tangent, your stepmother is also showing she’s a great FAIL at basic hospitality.
@Marie: she’s that kind, is she? Yep, the problem is not MY behaviour, it’s that you’re pointing out my behaviour. I’m sorry, I don’t know if there’s a cure for that.
Erk. That should have been, ” I’m going with what cloudiah said about assholish behaviour having consequences.”
@cloudiah
wow :/ That’s…baffling.
Now I feel like everyone’s all looking down on my dad with this :p I mean in his defense I haven’t asked for back up yet, so I don’t really know what he’ll do. Um, idk rambles
@unimaginative.
yup. When my dad was playing communication tag for us the first time she said something homophobic he said she felt ‘attacked’ the we* called her homophobic.
*me and my sister, not me and my guinea pigs or whatever.