It’s perfect for me, and it’s extremely close to where I live (I actually heard of a similar place before, but I thought it was in San Francisco, which is way too far for me). And I now have all the time I need* to not only buy things there without anyone finding out, but also try on the stuff in the store.
The best thing is that I’ve found some safe spaces here in Santa Cruz (the Diversity Center, the Cantu Queer Center on campus, and a queer/trans*-friendly housing co-op). And if I get the things I want from that boutique, well, I’ll be able to present as myself for the first time ever. And I’ll do so in spaces where (hopefully) no one will laugh at me or call me mentally ill.
I’m just so excited, guys. I’m in that mood where just thinking about a certain thing makes me all teary-eyed suddenly – kind of like the time I found out I was accepted by UCSC, only miles better.
When next Tuesday comes around, I’m going!
*Because of my flexible class schedule, I can easily get away with “I was late for the bus” as an excuse for being out later than expected. My dad won’t suspect a thing.
When I used to go shopping for clothes with my dad, he used to press shirts, pants, etc. against me to see if they would fit, and I felt (and still feel) extremely uncomfortable about him touching me even though he wasn’t touching me in private places. I mean, when my mom does the same thing to me in clothing store, I feel a little embarrassed since it feels like I’m being treated like a kid, but I never feel uncomfortable to the point of feeling unsafe and defensive. And when I told him (usually politely) to stop touching me and let me shop by myself, he would raise his voice very loudly and tell me “Do you want everyone here in the store to know that you’re embarrassed?” Other times he would say “Excuse me, ma’am, I need help finding [something] for my son [sic], who is very shy and embarrassed right now.” He asked female employees in particular in order to make me feel more ashamed (his way of trying to “emasculate” me or something).
Humiliation is his preferred means of getting me to do things for him. And I’ve always felt that it’s very wrong. But I don’t know if this could be considered a form of abuse, and I don’t want to call it abuse because I don’t want to appropriate the term from survivors of abuse. Many people I know would call what I described above just benign teasing and accuse me of overreacting to something that’s normal. What do you folks think? This has really been troubling me.
Sorry, I should clarify things a bit. I understand psychological and emotional abuse are actual forms of abuse. What I feel conflicted about, though, is whether what I described above could be called abusive. It made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, but I don’t know if calling it abuse is appropriate because I’ve heard of many other parents teasing their children and trying to embarrass them from time to time. And my dad was acting all lighthearted and stuff when he was doing those things to me. I guess a better way to say all of this is whether I should consider the above something that is reasonable to complain about. It did feel awful but maybe I’m just overreacting or something. IDK
It’s abuse; it’s part of his pattern. In a decent parent it might be just gross insensitivity, but it’d still come under the heading of bullying. From him? Definitely abusive.
Ally — teasing: my mango thing, cuz pecunium’s fine with it; not teasing: my father claiming he put things I won’t eat in my food. Note the “fine with it” part. Also acceptable would be knocking it off once told to.
Your father’s an ass in other words. And I’m not cool with people claiming “that isn’t really abuse” since it’s so close to “that isn’t really rape”…if you think it is, it is as far as I’m concerned.
[Content note: corrective sexual abuse, boundary violation, transmisogyny]
It’s really scary for me to think about how so many other things my father has done to me are abusive. But I grew up feeling hurt by his actions while unable to recognize them as abusive, so coming to terms with the reality of these things is helpful for me. The main consequence is that it leads me to have paranoid fears of him escalating his abuse some day. He has a history of violating others’ boundaries, for instance, and for that reason I frequently have fears of him sexually abusing me as part of some “corrective” measure.
Anyway, all of you are wonderful, and I’m feeling much better after seeing your responses. I feel validated in some way, and that makes me happy even though I can’t help but feel guilty about that for some reason. In any case, I can’t thank you enough. I might sound ridiculous for thanking all of you profusely, but I really mean it.
OT I am pleased and surprised to find Mr Serf likes my patterned uber-colourful tights – I wore ’em at Home last night and got scooped up (in crossing-the-threshold style) twice by a husband who was halfway between laughing and purring. 🙂
Ally, if ever you’re in doubt about this stuff, just think about someone else persisting in something you’ve already told them you don’t want them to do to you.
In a schoolyard, it might get passed off as teasing … once. When you get to twice, you’re talking definitely teasing, probably insensitive. Three times or more, it’s bullying.
Your father knows you well enough to know what does and doesn’t push your buttons. It’s not thoughtless, it’s not teasing, it’s bullying. Bullying in a family relationship is abusive.
There’ salsa the good ol’ “and what would I say if someone else said this to me?” Cuz I’m way harder on myself than I am everyone else and I doubt Ally would be all “idk if that really counts as abuse” to someone else. So, Ally, tell your jerkbrain to go fuck off.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Oh man, now I want Gene Parmesan to pop up at our wedding..
With the help of a fellow trans* woman on campus, I recently found out about this place in San Jose: http://www.carlas.com/allabout/shop.html
It’s perfect for me, and it’s extremely close to where I live (I actually heard of a similar place before, but I thought it was in San Francisco, which is way too far for me). And I now have all the time I need* to not only buy things there without anyone finding out, but also try on the stuff in the store.
The best thing is that I’ve found some safe spaces here in Santa Cruz (the Diversity Center, the Cantu Queer Center on campus, and a queer/trans*-friendly housing co-op). And if I get the things I want from that boutique, well, I’ll be able to present as myself for the first time ever. And I’ll do so in spaces where (hopefully) no one will laugh at me or call me mentally ill.
I’m just so excited, guys. I’m in that mood where just thinking about a certain thing makes me all teary-eyed suddenly – kind of like the time I found out I was accepted by UCSC, only miles better.
When next Tuesday comes around, I’m going!
*Because of my flexible class schedule, I can easily get away with “I was late for the bus” as an excuse for being out later than expected. My dad won’t suspect a thing.
Ally — w00t! Enjoy your shopping trip!
Emilygoddess — pre-congratulations 🙂
Emily, seconding the pre-congrats! 🙂
Also congrats to Ally!
Yay, Emily! Yay, Ally! Very happy for you both!
Ally, that store looks amazing and I’m super psyched that it’s so accessible to you. Good luck!
the sight that warmed me on a cool, damp morning today
🙂
Did you make that sweater, kitteh?
Only in Spirit! That design’s a bit beyond my knitting capabilities here.
(Correction, it’s a lot beyond them.)
🙂
[Content note: possibly abuse? idk]
When I used to go shopping for clothes with my dad, he used to press shirts, pants, etc. against me to see if they would fit, and I felt (and still feel) extremely uncomfortable about him touching me even though he wasn’t touching me in private places. I mean, when my mom does the same thing to me in clothing store, I feel a little embarrassed since it feels like I’m being treated like a kid, but I never feel uncomfortable to the point of feeling unsafe and defensive. And when I told him (usually politely) to stop touching me and let me shop by myself, he would raise his voice very loudly and tell me “Do you want everyone here in the store to know that you’re embarrassed?” Other times he would say “Excuse me, ma’am, I need help finding [something] for my son [sic], who is very shy and embarrassed right now.” He asked female employees in particular in order to make me feel more ashamed (his way of trying to “emasculate” me or something).
Humiliation is his preferred means of getting me to do things for him. And I’ve always felt that it’s very wrong. But I don’t know if this could be considered a form of abuse, and I don’t want to call it abuse because I don’t want to appropriate the term from survivors of abuse. Many people I know would call what I described above just benign teasing and accuse me of overreacting to something that’s normal. What do you folks think? This has really been troubling me.
Ally, I think psychological and emotional abuse are both “real” abuse, and I do think your father engages in that.
Sorry, I should clarify things a bit. I understand psychological and emotional abuse are actual forms of abuse. What I feel conflicted about, though, is whether what I described above could be called abusive. It made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, but I don’t know if calling it abuse is appropriate because I’ve heard of many other parents teasing their children and trying to embarrass them from time to time. And my dad was acting all lighthearted and stuff when he was doing those things to me. I guess a better way to say all of this is whether I should consider the above something that is reasonable to complain about. It did feel awful but maybe I’m just overreacting or something. IDK
And yes, it’s true that he is generally psychologically and emotionally abusive, but I just don’t know if the above is also abusive.
It’s abuse; it’s part of his pattern. In a decent parent it might be just gross insensitivity, but it’d still come under the heading of bullying. From him? Definitely abusive.
Ally — teasing: my mango thing, cuz pecunium’s fine with it; not teasing: my father claiming he put things I won’t eat in my food. Note the “fine with it” part. Also acceptable would be knocking it off once told to.
Your father’s an ass in other words. And I’m not cool with people claiming “that isn’t really abuse” since it’s so close to “that isn’t really rape”…if you think it is, it is as far as I’m concerned.
Kitteh said what I was trying to say, and much better.
[Content note: corrective sexual abuse, boundary violation, transmisogyny]
It’s really scary for me to think about how so many other things my father has done to me are abusive. But I grew up feeling hurt by his actions while unable to recognize them as abusive, so coming to terms with the reality of these things is helpful for me. The main consequence is that it leads me to have paranoid fears of him escalating his abuse some day. He has a history of violating others’ boundaries, for instance, and for that reason I frequently have fears of him sexually abusing me as part of some “corrective” measure.
Anyway, all of you are wonderful, and I’m feeling much better after seeing your responses. I feel validated in some way, and that makes me happy even though I can’t help but feel guilty about that for some reason. In any case, I can’t thank you enough. I might sound ridiculous for thanking all of you profusely, but I really mean it.
Ally – hugs (and you get a free sprinkling of cat hairs with every one).
You don’t sound ridiculous; you never do.
OT I am pleased and surprised to find Mr Serf likes my patterned uber-colourful tights – I wore ’em at Home last night and got scooped up (in crossing-the-threshold style) twice by a husband who was halfway between laughing and purring. 🙂
<3 Ally, you absolutely are not being ridiculous. Your dad definitely sounds abusive. I'm sorry I don't have anything more I could do.
Hey, I’m on my wool shop’s Facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/WoolBaaa/photos_stream
Ally, if ever you’re in doubt about this stuff, just think about someone else persisting in something you’ve already told them you don’t want them to do to you.
In a schoolyard, it might get passed off as teasing … once. When you get to twice, you’re talking definitely teasing, probably insensitive. Three times or more, it’s bullying.
Your father knows you well enough to know what does and doesn’t push your buttons. It’s not thoughtless, it’s not teasing, it’s bullying. Bullying in a family relationship is abusive.
In a schoolyard or workplace …
There’ salsa the good ol’ “and what would I say if someone else said this to me?” Cuz I’m way harder on myself than I am everyone else and I doubt Ally would be all “idk if that really counts as abuse” to someone else. So, Ally, tell your jerkbrain to go fuck off.
There’s salsa?!
Should be there’s also